The Demon Drink!

Morning all! Hope everyone is well - oh you are, are you? I'm absolutely delighted! It's alright for some then isn't it!! I'm in a foul mood this morning. I'd keep out of my way if I were you. Can things get much worse? Look what has happened in the last few days alone - "my stupid sister" spreads false and malicious lies about my prowess as a fighter, "my poncy brother" recovers from his potentially life threatening affliction (he's still getting king size prawns by the way - makes me sick!), "the housekeeping staff" plan to put me on a diet, and then to cap it all I've got a stonking hangover. And it is raining!! This is me having a "hair of the dog" - daft expression, from the puddle!

How did this happen? Well, quite naturally, I took great umbrage over the diet issue, so I decided to go out for a drink with a few of the local tom cats, you know, a lad's night out. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I didn't get back home until this morning. What a night - can't remember too much about it, but I've got a rotten head ache. Last thing I can recall is five of us sitting on the back wall and singing "cool for cats" and then some bloke opens a window and shouts out "do you know what time it is?" I look up at the night sky and helpfully shout back "about half past three"! Now I thought he would be impressed by the cat's ability to tell the time from the stars - not a bit of it, he chucked a boot at us. How rude!

We had some deep and meaningful discussions, how the world would be a far better place if dogs hadn't been invented, do humans have any purpose apart from looking after us, you know the sort of thing. I mentioned that I was considered by the "housekeeping staff" to be too heavy. The old black tom from down the road looked me up and down and reckoned that this was far from the case. He said that in fact the problem is, I am a little too short for my weight and need to eat more prawns to make me grow taller. What sensible advice, and he should know, you should see the size of him.

When I woke up under a bush, it was hammering down with rain and I arrived home soaked to the skin. A light breakfast, a dry on the settee, followed by a nice long nap seemed the order of the day. I should be so lucky! Looked through the backdoor, and saw the housekeeping staff. They were up and about early and worst of all they had the damn vacuum cleaner out (you can see the look of horror on my face in the picture). This can only mean one thing - yes you've guessed it - we must be having visitors. I hate visitors. I mean the place really doesn't need cleaning, they did it about three weeks ago. It takes that long to get a really nice layer of hair all over the furniture - gives the place a homely feel I always think. Will be back to square one now.

Well that's my lot for today. Once the noise of that damn vacuum cleaner has stopped, I think I will creep up to the bedroom and put my head down until lunchtime. Oh dear, think I can feel a fur ball coming on - shouldn't have had that last drink from the puddle. What a life! AlbertTheCat.

Strange human customs

The prawns were a bit thin on the ground again this morning. If things continue like this I may have to consider making alternative arrangements. I have been looking around, and I think there is a woman who lives opposite that has taken a bit of a shine to me. Not surprising. Like any sensible cat, I think it is wise to keep all options open.

Well what shall I write about today? All this thinking is tiring me out. I may have to take a rest soon. Before that, perhaps I will tell you a little about a rather strange human custom I have observed. Whenever "the one that I don't trust" goes out on his own, "the pretty one" always says to him "don't drink too much". This is said in a stern and threatening manner, particularly so whenever he goes to watch football with his friends. Now, no one likes a drink more than me, so I can't see what all the fuss is about. I would be most grateful if any other cats out there can shed further light on this.

I have fresh water laid on everyday by the housekeeping staff - we have it on draught at our place. I tend not to drink too much of that though, as I prefer real water - it has much more flavour. In my experience the best sources are the drain, rain puddles and the rusty old watering can in the back garden. A little tip for other cats - if you can get it, then my absolute favourite is Tomorite. They pour this on to their tomato plants in the belief that it will make them grow bigger (the tomatoes that is!). If you time things right, about a minute or two after they have watered them the stuff trickles out of the bottom of the pot. Well, a few swigs of this and I reckon I can fly - I managed it once and scared the hell out of a passing sparrow, unfortunately I had a limp for the next fortnight - not sure if the two things are connected! I doubt it.

By the way, mentioning football - have I told you about my prowess as a youngster? I could have been a star. I will show you film tomorrow of me in action - you will be amazed. To brighten things up a bit I thought I would show you a picture of me and my stupid sister as youngsters. Aren't I cute!
Well that's the lot for today - I'm off out for a drink. What a life! Albert the Cat.