The Return of Bert.....

Greetings one and all. I'm back. "About time too!" Who said that? How rude. Have you missed me? I said, have you missed me? Don't all shout at once will you. Well, the one I don't trust finally returned from his travels yesterday, and gave me my computer back. I've no idea where he has been. Everything seems to be getting back to normal. In a funny sort of way, I have quite missed him. Life has been pleasant without him, I mean the pretty one has spoilt us rotten, but without the little triumphs I enjoy in my ongoing battle with him, life somehow lacks a challenge.

He seemed quite pleased to see me - I think. Well, he gave me Tabby and Ginger Tail a decent handful of prawns each this morning. The first thing he did when he got back, was to take a look round the garden. Before he went away, he had spent a lot of time planting all manner of things. He even went to great lengths to protect seeds and plants from unwelcome visitors and pests. Now, I'm sure he didn't mean to include me in this, because I had no trouble in getting under the netting and through his amateurish fences to dig in my usual places. They present no challenge at all to a cat of my outstanding intellect. "Tell them how you got your head stuck in the hole in the fence" - it's that poncy brother of mine. I wish he would clear off.Anyway, moving swiftly on, the one I don't trust didn't seem all that impressed with my efforts. His main wrath however was reserved for the birds. He has planted some seed on the bare patches of scruffy grass that he laughingly calls a lawn. While he was standing at one end of the garden, a blackbird landed at the other and duly commenced to tuck in. In a state of near apoplexy he ran after it. The blackbird scooped up a final beakful of seed before flitting up on to the fence and chirping cheerfully in his general direction. This made things worse - he came towards me shaking his fist - "three cats on the payroll" he said, "and I've got birds eating the damn grass seed." He then threatened all three of us with reduced prawn rations if we didn't buck our ideas up. What an outrage I thought. I'm not standing for that.

What can I do to show him who is in charge round here. He has some cumbercu plants - I think that's what they are called. Small marrows I believe. Being a keen horticulturist, I am aware that they are classified as squashes - why are they called that I hear you ask. Obvious really, when I roll around it squashes them, Ho Ho Ho.....Well that's my lot for today. Just time to tell you about the little red things he has planted - most peculiar they are. Do you know I can hear them talk, very quietly though, in a whisper in fact. Unusual for a vegetable don't you think? They must be hoarse radishes! Ho Ho Ho.... I don't know where I get them from. Please yourselves, I thought it was funny. In case he is serious about his malicious threat to deprive me of prawns, I have decided to take up guard duty to keep the pesky blackbirds away. See you all next week. What a life! AlbertThe(ever alert)Cat.