Greetings from Bert, or Preferably for Bert!

Hello folks. I've been very busy recently hence the lack of blogs. "Don't listen to him, he's been loafing about doing nothing useful at all." Who said that? It's that poncy brother of mine, I thought he was asleep in the garden. Judging from the huge number of enquiries I've had, you must all have missed me. Your concern is most touching - many thanks to both of you! I don't know why I bother, really I don't.

Anyway, as a couple of weeks have elapsed since my last missive, I'm sure you are all desperate for my pearls of wisdom. Things are about the same round here. Nothing much has changed - prawns still in short supply. I was up bright and early this morning. "How can you say that and keep a straight face?" It's Tabby again. Bear with me a moment while I chase him off................. that's better, I don't think he will trouble us any more. Now, where was I? Oh yes, I like the mornings, especially when the weather is good, it's the best time of day. The rich cacophony of bird song interspersed with the gently rasping cough of the woman next door as she enjoys her first cigarette of the day - the dawn chorus in all it's splendour. The dew on the grass, the sweet fragrance of the flowers and the heady aroma of burnt toast as the one I don't trust gets breakfast ready. A new day has truly dawned.

Right, there are a couple of things I need to tell you about. Since last Friday, the one I don't trust, has taken up permanent residence on the settee, in my favourite spot actually. I was getting fed up with it, so I decided to investigate. Do you know what, he is watching football morning, day and night. It's the World Cup apparently! Now as you know, I am a rather accomplished player myself, I could have been a star - I expect you have already seen the video of me in my prime - if not, click here. Well, if you can't beat them, join them, that is what I say, so I've decided to join him on the settee to watch it as well. I particularly like watching the little ball on the screen, but for some reason he gets a bit agitated when I sit in front of it and try and pat it with my paw. You can look forward to my occasional observations and expert analysis of the proceedings.

On Saturday we watched England play - he got rather excited and was very happy until the goalkeeper did an impression of a blind man fending off an angry bee. You should have heard his language - most appalling. I should be in goal, I am very good at chasing balls. Did you know us cats have a team in it - Cameroon, otherwise known as the Indomitable Lions - I shall support them. We are bound to win.And now for the really important news - roll of drums, fanfare on trumpets..... it's my birthday tomorrow! Yes, I am four years old. "It's my birthday as well." What, who else has a birthday tomorrow? "I do," said Ginger Tail, "so does Tabby." "How does that work then" I said. "Well, we are all from the same litter - we were all born under the bush on the same day," replied Ginger Tail. How unfair I thought - I expect there will be extra prawns to celebrate this auspicious occasion - I don't want to have to share them with those other two. "How old are you then" I asked. "I'm four of course" said Ginger Tail, "and Tabby?" "Well, he's four as well" she said in a rather condesending way. What a remarkable coincidence I thought.

Well, that's my lot for today. I'm off to make sure all the other local cats know it is my birthday - I know they will want to mark the occasion with a small gift - king prawns are always acceptable. I will be celebrating tomorrow, but will be back later in the week. Did you know that birthdays are good for you. Wise Old Black Tom told me the other day, that the more birthdays you have, the longer you live. What a clever cat he is! What a Life! AlbertThe(expectant)Cat.

The beautiful game

Hello again one and all. The housekeeping staff both went out early this morning, and I had to wait until they returned to get my prawns, but at least there were a reasonable amount of them, unlike yesterday. I have decided to stay here a while longer to see if things improve. This is their last chance though.

As promised, I have a real treat for you today. Before that, there is something I need to nip in the bud. Yesterday I posted a picture of me and my stupid sister as youngsters. When my twitter followers saw this, I had numerous tweets telling me how cute my stupid sister was. This really takes the cat biscuit. Let's get this straight once and for all - there is only one cute cat in this house, and that is me. Nowadays I am considered handsome, rather than cute, but that is by the by.

Now that I have got that off of my chest, let us proceed to today's showstopper. When I was a lad, I was a pretty tasty footballer. To show you what I mean, here is a video clip of me playing with my poncy brother and Little Tortoiseshell.

How about that then. I imagine you are impressed. Bound to be. Did you spot the last ditch tackle at the end to prevent a certain goal - and what about the dribbling at the start. As for my poncy brother -typical of him, always fouling, even tugging Little Tortoiseshell's tail. Definite red card. I could have been a professional you know - oh yes, I turned down numerous offers. I couldn't go and leave my poncy brother and stupid sister you see. They've always held me back. What might have been? Shame about the sound on the video, I would turn it down if I were you - "the one that I don't trust" is technically incompetent, and has no idea how to work the camera - sometimes he even struggles to tie his own shoelaces! Let me know what you think of the videos. If you like them, there are a couple more I can show you.

Well that's the lot for today. No idea what I am going to write about tomorrow, but I expect I will come up with something. Off for a snack and a nice nap before tea. What a life! Albert the Cat.

PS - Don't forget, you can follow me on Twitter under AlbertTheCat.