Dis-order in the Court!

"Right Ginger Tail, just pass me my funny wig and help me into my nice red robes." I said.
“Yes my lord, they make you look like Santa Claus" replied Ginger Tail. "We'll have less of your cheek!" I said sternly. I took a quick look in the mirror, and being most impressed with what I saw, I instructed my servant to lead on. Ginger Tail opened the door, and walked ahead of me. As I entered the room, wise Old Black Tom, the Clerk of the Court, stood up and announced in a very solemn voice,
“All rise for Lord Albert The Cat.”
Everyone in the court stood up and I strolled to my throne behind the big bench in the front. There was a nice fluffy cushion on it, ideal for a quick snooze. I was patting it down with my paws when I heard the words of Old Black Tom,
“The court is now in session, pray silence for Lord Chief Justice Albert The Cat.”
"I thought it was Santa Claus" said a voice from the back that sounded suspiciously like Tabby.I nodded, and everyone sat down.
“Righto” I said and asked Old Black Tom what was the first case. After all, he is a very clever cat, and knows everything.
“No idea" he replied. "Sorry m'lud" he said, "just my little joke!"
"Pray continue" I said.
“With pleasure m’lud” he replied. "Today’s case is the people, well the cats actually, versus the one Bert does not trust. Will the Sergeant at Arms please bring up the prisoner.”
There was a scuffling noise at the foot of the stairs, followed by much hissing and growling. Eventually, Riley, the biggest ginger cat you ever did see, dragged the one Bert does not trust into the dock.“I will now ask the Clerk of the Court to read out the charge sheet” I said.
“Thank you m’lud. The one Bert does not trust - you are charged that yesterday, with malice aforethought, you did grievously and wilfully, and with premeditated intent fail to provide Albert The Cat with a plentiful and tasty portion of prawns for his breakfast – How do you plead," said Old Tom, with all the dignity he could muster.
“Not guilty m’lud” replied the one I don't trust.
“What!!!” I exclaimed. “Not guilty, how ridiculous. Can we charge him with perjury and contempt of court as well?”
“Er, a splendid idea m’lud, but I am afraid there are no legal precedents for such action. Stupid as it may seem, the defendant does have the right to enter a plea of not guilty," said Old Tom sagely.
“Shame” I said, “let’s press on, I am very keen not to waste any more time, I’m looking forward to the sentencing!”
“Er, excuse me m’lud,” interjected the Clerk, “but don’t you mean the verdict?”
“Oh yes, of course, a tiresome formality we have to go along with” I replied, “very well can I please ask, who is appearing for the prosecution.”
“I am m’lud” said a scruffy looking brown cat with one eye and half an ear missing. It was none other than Mad Harry, “and I will be ably assisted by my deputy, Slasher Sid QC, and may I say m’lud how well you are looking, and how splendid you look in your nice red robes.”
“Most kind,” I replied, “and who is fighting the lost cause, oops sorry, slip of the tongue, who is appearing for the defence?”
“I am” said the one I don’t trust, “I am defending myself."
“Silence in Court” I cried.
"Er, excuse me m’lud", said the Clerk, "but outrageous as it may seem, he is allowed to do that.”
“Oh very well then, just get on with it” I said in frustration.
“I call upon the prosecution to open their case," said the Clerk.

Mad Harry QC rose to his feet – “I would like to call my first witness, Lord Albert The Cat.”
“Objection” shouted the one I don’t trust.
“Overruled” I said, and proceeded to take the witness stand.
“Please put your paw on the bible, and repeat after me” said the clerk, “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
“I’m the damn judge” I said, “of course I’m going to tell the truth, my word is law round here you know. What a lot of nonsense.”
“Er, yes m’lud, but I’m afraid it is another tiresome formality we have to go through” he replied.
“Very well” I said, “then can we get to the sentencing, er… verdict I mean?”
Mad Harry QC approached the witness box – “m’lud, on the morning in question, you rose from you slumbers quite naturally expecting your prawns to be served - can you please tell the court precisely what happened next.”
“I most certainly can,” I said, “the one I don’t trust, whose primary responsibility it is to care for me, went out and completely forgot the said prawns”
“And can you identify that person in this courtroom?” said Mad Harry QC.
“It’s him, the one in the dock” I said pointing at the one I don't trust.
“No further questions m’lud, I rest my case” said Mad Harry.
“Would the defence like to cross examine the witness” asked the Clerk.
“I most certainly would” said the one I don’t trust.“Silence in Court” I shouted, “never heard of such a thing, the defendant asking the judge questions. We’re not having that in my court. As there are no further witnesses, I will do my summing up for the jury before we adjourn for a light lunch of tuna and fresh salmon, and then return for the sentencing. Firstly, may I congratulate the prosecution team, led by Mad Harry QC, for the comprehensive and compelling case they have laid before us today. Their painstaking research and attention to detail clearly justifies the enormous fees they will be charging. Now, members of the jury, when you retire to consider your verdict, there is one thing that should be uppermost in your mind – the unimpeachable integrity of the chief witness. This is an open and shut case! In the unlikely event, that there are still any doubts in your mind, I will ask Mad Harry and Slasher Sid to sit in with you to advise on points of law if you get my drift. Right, that’s my lot, I’m off for a spot of lunch.”

“I think it is all going rather well so far” I said to Ginger Tail as we prepared to go back into court.
“Yes m’lud” she replied, "have you got a nice present for me in your big sack?"
“Ladies, gentlemen and cats of the jury, have you reached a verdict.” Said the Clerk.
“Yes we have” said the foreman, who just happened to be my poncy brother Tabby.
“Will the defendant please rise” said the Clerk, upon which point, Riley dug his claws into the leg of the one I don’t trust and he stood up sharply.
“Do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty”
Tabby said “we find the defendant............................ covered in hair!" Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........
"That's a strange verdict" I thought, as I was unceremoniously shoved off of my throne. "The chair, it's damn well covered in hair already, we only cleaned the place up yesterday. I bet that Bert is the main culprit" said the one I don't trust tersely. I woke up with a shock as I landed on the floor. Where am I? What's happening? Oh no, it was all a dream, just a dream. What a disappointment. Why did he wake me up just as we were getting to the good bit.Well, that's my lot for today. To finish on a lighter note, did I tell you about the cross eyed judge? He said to the first defendant, “how do you plead?” “Not guilty” replied the second defendant. “I wasn’t talking to you” the judge said. “I never said a word” replied the third defendant. Ho Ho Ho..... What do you mean you don't like it. Try this one then - the defendant said to the judge, “I don't recognize this court!” “Why not?” asked the Judge. “Because you’ve had it decorated since I was here last.” Ho Ho Ho..... oh well, please yourselves. What a Life! AlbertThe(hanging judge)Cat.

Albert The Great........

Welcome back. I'm still glowing in the success of my award earlier in the week, when I was voted the greatest cat of all time in the entire universe, or something like that. Firstly today, I'd like to thank all those who have sent notes congratulating me on my success. However, words are cheap, and the lack of prawns has been duly noted! Anyway, in my current benevolent mood, I am prepared to forgive this oversight.

My new found celebrity status set me thinking. "I wouldn't do that if I were you, there's no telling where it will end!" Who said that, how rude. Perhaps I am the greatest cat that has ever lived! Only one thing for it, I will go and have a word with wise Old Black Tom. I found him in his usual place, asleep on the back wall. He is a very clever cat, the fount of all knowledge in fact - there is nothing he does not know. "Who are you?" he asked. That's a good start I thought. "It's me Bert" I said. "Correct!" he replied. See, I told you, not much gets past him. "I would like to know, if I am the most famous Albert of all time" I asked. "A very good question" he said as he dozed off. I gave him a nudge and repeated the question. He sat up and sucked on a thoughtful tooth for what seemed like ages. "No" he said and dozed off again.When he woke up, he looked around and said "are you still here?" He mumbled something to himself about there being no peas for the wicked. I can only assume he had been dreaming, because I know full well that us cats are not very partial to peas. "I will tell you about other famous Alberts" he said, somewhat reluctantly. What stories he had to tell. I listened intently. Eventually he finished and said that his invoice for half a dozen prawns for the consultancy would be with me shortly, via the good offices of Mad Marry and Slasher Sid. Apparently, they now list accountancy amongst the many other useful services they offer.

Now, if you lot out there pay attention, I will tell you a little of what Old Black Tom said. You will have to bear with me a bit, because it got a bit complicated, and I can't remember some of the details, but I will do my best to fill in the gaps. First of all, there was Albert Einstein. Not quite sure what he did, but he did have lots of relatives, I think Tom said relatives. Yes, it must have been relatives, because I know for a fact he had a very famous bother called Frank who was rather a mixed up character.

Next, there was an Albert in the 12th century who made a living from cleaning out medieval fireplaces, he was known as Albert The Great. What do you mean, you saw that one coming! He also went by the name of St Albertus Magnus, one of the most universal thinkers of the middle ages, often referred to as "teacher of everything there is to know." Most appropriate don't you think. A bit like Old Tom.A bit closer to home, there was a German chap called Albert Hall who married Queen Victoria. He was so famous, they even named a big round building in London after him. The name of the building escapes me for the moment. Herr Hall is not a very German sounding name is it? Reminds me of another German chap who opened a barbers shop - Herr Dryer was his name! "Boo, Boo, rotten joke." What, who said that? Oh no it's Tabby, my poncy brother, what does he want. "Clear off." He's just jealous I mean, you can't imagine there being any famous Tabbys can you! "What about Garfield and Puss in Boots then?" That's the final straw, "go on clear off, I won't tell you again." What a cheek, now where were we? Oh yes, the name Albert originates from Germany, and means noble bright and famous - I'm not making this up you know.

Well, that's my lot for today. All this thinking is making my brain hurt. I don't know if we're any the wiser after all that. I didn't realise there were so many famous Berts. One other I've just remembered, Albert the astronaut was the first monkey in space - 1948 apparently, just before ten to eight in the evening. No idea how he got there! Must have climbed a very tall tree I suppose. What a Life! AlbertThe(not so famous)Cat.

Pond Life.........

Well, here we are again at the start of a new week. I've had a very interesting few days, since I was with you last. As you know, I have been taking an interest in the World Cup. I was most disappointed when my team, the indomitable lions of Cameroon were eliminated on a mere technicality - they scored less goals than the opposition. I wasn't sure who I should follow after that, so I went off to ask for advice from wise Old Black Tom - he is a very clever cat and knows everything. "Who's going to win the world Cup" I asked. "No idea" he said. I explained my predicament about who to support. Old Black Tom thoughtfully sucked on a tooth and told me that in Korea, they are very partial to cats. That's nice I thought I will follow them, they are bound to win. Would you believe it, they only went and lost as well.The blow was softened by yesterday's shenanigans. That's a good word for a cat isn't it. No idea what it means but I must make a note to use it more often. England were playing, and I snuggled up on the sofa to watch it alongside the one I don't trust. He was very bullish, "England are bound to win - we're only playing Germany" he said with blind optimism. Mind you, I think he had partaken of a small light ale beforehand. Anyway, the inevitable happened - they lost. I must say though, he took it like the true sportsman he is - cursing, swearing, shouting at the television and making crass references to the last war. I haven't laughed so much since Tabby got himself locked in the broom cupboard. The pretty one stuck her oar in - "I think England should have kicked it between the two white sticks like the Germans kept doing" she helpfully advised. It's hard to argue with such logic, but that didn't stop him. I took this as my cue to go for a stroll.

I found Old Black Tom and Riley, snoozing on the back wall in the sun. "Splendid day old boy" said Riley. "Certainly is" I replied and told them about the goings on at our place. We all had a little chuckle. I mentioned Korea to Old Black Tom, and he gave me one of his looks, so I changed the subject. "What's that noise coming from a few gardens along" I asked. "No idea" said Tom, "you and Riley go take a look and report back." When we returned, we told Tom that there were two scruffy chaps with shovels. "What are they doing" asked Tom. "Digging a big hole"I replied. "A big hole eh? Perhaps I should look into it" said Tom, as he and Riley fell about laughing. No idea why! Anyway we took Tom and showed him what was going on. Tom looked long and hard, and then said. "They're building a pond." See, I told you he was clever, how did he know that. "I think the hose pipe filling it with water is a bit of a giveaway" said Riley. "I expect they're going to put little fishes in it" said Tom. "Fishes!" I said excitedly, and was just about to rush off and get my knife and fork, but Tom reckoned it would be a few days yet before the fish arrived. All this talk of fish made me hungry, so I bade Tom and Riley farewell and wandered home to see if I could scrounge a few prawns.Well, that's your lot for today. It's baking here, and I need a nice lie down in the shade. You can't be too careful in the sun. As I dozed off, I started to ponder the wonders of the universe - men have been to the moon, why not the sun?. I remembered asking Old Black Tom about this once - he reckoned it was far too hot. They should go at night then I thought. Tom also told me that you can tell the time by looking at the sun - I've tried it, but it was too bright, I couldn't see the numbers or the hands! What a life! AlbertThe(piscatorial)Cat.

Greetings from Bert, or Preferably for Bert!

Hello folks. I've been very busy recently hence the lack of blogs. "Don't listen to him, he's been loafing about doing nothing useful at all." Who said that? It's that poncy brother of mine, I thought he was asleep in the garden. Judging from the huge number of enquiries I've had, you must all have missed me. Your concern is most touching - many thanks to both of you! I don't know why I bother, really I don't.

Anyway, as a couple of weeks have elapsed since my last missive, I'm sure you are all desperate for my pearls of wisdom. Things are about the same round here. Nothing much has changed - prawns still in short supply. I was up bright and early this morning. "How can you say that and keep a straight face?" It's Tabby again. Bear with me a moment while I chase him off................. that's better, I don't think he will trouble us any more. Now, where was I? Oh yes, I like the mornings, especially when the weather is good, it's the best time of day. The rich cacophony of bird song interspersed with the gently rasping cough of the woman next door as she enjoys her first cigarette of the day - the dawn chorus in all it's splendour. The dew on the grass, the sweet fragrance of the flowers and the heady aroma of burnt toast as the one I don't trust gets breakfast ready. A new day has truly dawned.

Right, there are a couple of things I need to tell you about. Since last Friday, the one I don't trust, has taken up permanent residence on the settee, in my favourite spot actually. I was getting fed up with it, so I decided to investigate. Do you know what, he is watching football morning, day and night. It's the World Cup apparently! Now as you know, I am a rather accomplished player myself, I could have been a star - I expect you have already seen the video of me in my prime - if not, click here. Well, if you can't beat them, join them, that is what I say, so I've decided to join him on the settee to watch it as well. I particularly like watching the little ball on the screen, but for some reason he gets a bit agitated when I sit in front of it and try and pat it with my paw. You can look forward to my occasional observations and expert analysis of the proceedings.

On Saturday we watched England play - he got rather excited and was very happy until the goalkeeper did an impression of a blind man fending off an angry bee. You should have heard his language - most appalling. I should be in goal, I am very good at chasing balls. Did you know us cats have a team in it - Cameroon, otherwise known as the Indomitable Lions - I shall support them. We are bound to win.And now for the really important news - roll of drums, fanfare on trumpets..... it's my birthday tomorrow! Yes, I am four years old. "It's my birthday as well." What, who else has a birthday tomorrow? "I do," said Ginger Tail, "so does Tabby." "How does that work then" I said. "Well, we are all from the same litter - we were all born under the bush on the same day," replied Ginger Tail. How unfair I thought - I expect there will be extra prawns to celebrate this auspicious occasion - I don't want to have to share them with those other two. "How old are you then" I asked. "I'm four of course" said Ginger Tail, "and Tabby?" "Well, he's four as well" she said in a rather condesending way. What a remarkable coincidence I thought.

Well, that's my lot for today. I'm off to make sure all the other local cats know it is my birthday - I know they will want to mark the occasion with a small gift - king prawns are always acceptable. I will be celebrating tomorrow, but will be back later in the week. Did you know that birthdays are good for you. Wise Old Black Tom told me the other day, that the more birthdays you have, the longer you live. What a clever cat he is! What a Life! AlbertThe(expectant)Cat.

Democracy Rears it's Ugly Head!

Hello everyone. I trust you are all well. Today is a very important day apparently. I'm led to believe there is a General Election. Why on earth we need more generals is a complete mystery to me. The army is stuffed with them. "It's got nothing to do with generals" said Tabby in a somewhat condescending manner. "They're electing a new government" he said. "Why? what have they done with the old one" I asked. "Nothing, every five years they elect a new one" said Tabby. "It's a waste of time talking to him" said Ginger Tail, "he's a complete idiot." "That's a bit unfair" said Tabby, "he's not a complete idiot - there are bits missing!" Oh how they laughed! I'm really fed up with those two, I wish they'd clear off.Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, there is a general election today. I wonder where I have to go to vote? I think I'll ask wise Old Black Tom. I found him in his usual place on the back wall contemplating the meaning of life, all nine of them. He is the fount of all knowledge, and knows absolutely everything. "Where do I have to go and vote" I asked. "No idea" he replied, "I don't take much interest in such things, it's only for the staff after all." I was outraged - "what, us cats don't get a vote - but we run the place!" I replied. "I know" said Old Tom, "but they think they do. It's best to let them carry on under the illusion that they are in charge. Don't want to rock the boat do we." Rocking boats, what have they got to do with it, perhaps the navy is involved as well.

Old Tom told me a bit about how it all worked - very interesting stuff. Apparently they wander off to a little place down the road, where they put a "X" on a piece of paper next to someones name. When it's all over they add all the "X's" up, and whoever has the most wins and then pretends to run the country. When we wake up tomorrow, everything is back to normal with us cats in charge. Simple really. Did you know, it is only in recent times, the last few years probably, that women have been able to vote. Now if I've remembered this right, it was all brought about by a lady called Emily Pancake and some courgettes. All sounds a bit far fetched to me, but I didn't like to show my ignorance. "That'll make a change" - who said that? How rude! I presume she threw the said vegetables at the men until they got fed up with her and let her vote.

We've got some courgettes growing in the garden, I wonder if I could do the same and get cats the vote. I mean, who better - do you remember my landslide victory in the local elections last year. I could lead a popular campaign to get votes for cats. It would be a massive uprising, and I would ride a tidal wave of feline support all the way to Downing Street. Alternatively, I could go back home for a spot of lunch and a nice nap. What a big decision - I'm feeling a bit tired, so I think I'll go for the nap after all.Well, that's my lot for today. I hope you have all learnt something. When I got back, my poncy brother and my stupid sister were still loafing about. I told them all about the pancake lady. "See, I told you he's stupid" said Ginger Tail, "everyone thinks so." Tabby stuck up for me though - he said that everyone can't think I'm stupid, because I haven't met everyone yet. So, that was nice of him - I think. What a Life! AlbertThe(campaigning)Cat.

New Kid on the Block!

Hello again. I have had a very interesting day. I rose early, at the crack of lunchtime, although I had been up for a short while earlier, not wanting to miss out on breakfast you understand. Standards are slipping in this establishment - I mean, breakfast in bed is not asking a lot really is it? Anyway, we'll let that pass for the time being. I decided to go for a gentle stroll.

I found wise Old Black Tom in his usual place sitting on the back wall a few houses along. He is a very clever cat - he knows absolutely everything. There was an awful lot of noise coming from a nearby house. "What's happening here" I asked. "No idea" said Tom. We decided to go and investigate. Must be careful I thought, we all know what curiosity did to the cat! We crept along the wall and over a shed roof until we could see in the window. What a site greeted us - people rushing round with boxes, carrying furniture, laying carpets and drinking vast quantities of tea. "Looks like new people are moving in" said Tom. We watched for a while - a fellow in a brown coat was unpacking a glass vase when it fell on the floor and smashed. "Quick, sweep up the bits and hide it before the owner comes back" said his mate, "if she sees it, she will go mad." How kind I thought, going to all that trouble so as not to upset her.After most of the boxes had been unpacked, the two brown coated chaps carried in a large packing case - it looked very heavy. When they opened it we had the shock of our lives. Inside was the biggest cat carrier you ever did see. "Can't wait to see what's inside that" said Tom. "I can" I replied nervously, "it must be huge - probably a lion!" The woman, told the men to be careful not to let it out. Too late, the beast inside clawed one of the men through the grill and they dropped it. The container burst open, and the biggest ginger tom I've ever seen hoved into view. It looked at the men, growled, hissed and spat. With fear in their eyes they immediately fled the room, and were halfway up the stairs when they bumped into the owner. "The things escaped" said one of them. "Which way is it going" enquired the owner. "Well you don't think we're chasing it do you?" he wittily replied as he rushed past. They say that crossing on the stairs brings bad luck - it certainly did for him, she hit him with a frying pan she had just unpacked.

Meanwhile, the cat approached the back door and gave it a shove, but unfortunately it was closed. Not to be deterred, he took two paces back, lunged forward, put his shoulder to the door and emerged blinking into the sunlight. He started walking towards us. "I'm off" I said. "No, no" said Tom, "we should introduce ourselves, he could be a useful addition to the local gang." He joined us on the shed roof. "Hello, I'm Tom, and here behind me is Bert" said Tom. "Nice to meet you, my name is Riley. Who is your invisible friend?" "What" said Tom turning around, "Bert, come down out of that tree at once - he's not going to eat you!" Maybe not, but you can't be too careful can you? I jumped down and shook paws with Riley - he nearly crushed mine. I reckon he has got a bit of lion in him you know - probably ate one for breakfast."Just moved in?" I asked. "Yes" replied Riley. We were rudely interrupted by the owner rushing out into the garden calling Riley in a worried voice. "How dare they crate me up like that." said Riley. "My lot are really stupid, they have this daft idea that they should keep me confined to barracks for a few weeks until I forget where I used to live. They think I will try and return. Why would I do such a thing - nothing to go back for, I mean to say, I saw with my own eyes all the food being taken out of the refrigerator and loaded into the removal van." Riley hissed at the owner just to keep her on her toes. "I think I'll go back in a couple of hours after they have unpacked the cat food - it'll do her good to worry about me. Make her appreciate me even more." Mmmm.... a cat after my own heart I thought.

Well, that's my lot for today. I'll have to think about organising a little welcome party for our new friend. I think it is very important that I keep on the right side of him. I think we should roll out the red carpet, covered in cat hair of course, for him. After all, he told me that he is used to the finer things in life. His owner spoils him something rotten apparently. Must be what they mean by The Life of Riley! What a life! AlbertThe(smarmy)Cat.

A Night on the Tiles.....

What a night! As we were hoping, "the one I don't trust" cleared off yesterday evening. Not sure where he went, but I think he met up with some of his pals, or lowlife as I prefer to call them. Anyway, no sooner was he out the door, than my plan for a cultural evening at home with a select few of the local cats swung into action like a well oiled machine. Word was put out on the bush telegraph (I stuck my head out of the flap and mewed loudly), and the guests started to arrive. My poncy brother and my stupid sister were first. I didn't really want to ask them, but as I let them live here with me, I felt obliged to. They were closely followed by wise Old Black Tom. He is a very clever cat, and knows everything. "Where are Mad Harry and Slasher Sid" I asked. "No idea" he replied.

Not to worry, they soon turned up. A strange aroma preceded them - they had bought a tasty pair of half eaten kippers with them, carefully selected from a neighbours bin. How thoughtful. "You might need some of these" said Harry. "Most kind" I replied, "we are fresh out." They put them on the settee for safe keeping. Next, we heard a jingling bell sound, and Quasimodo shot through the flap looking nervously over his shoulder. Now, for new readers, you need to be aware that he has been driven insane by a little bell on his collar! "I'm being chased by an ice cream van" he cried as he dived for cover under the table, knocking over a pot plant in the process. At that very moment, there was a ring on the doorbell, and Quasimodo took the very wise precaution of climbing up the curtains, which duly fell down, along with the curtain rail. "Who was that at the door" I asked. "No idea" said Old Black Tom.What a terrible example of shoddy workmanship I thought. Not surprising though, I remember "the one I don't trust" putting the the curtain rail up just after we moved here. It was a real bodge job - he drilled the holes too big, and when he thought "the pretty one" wasn't looking, he bunged them up with bits of newspaper. He then employed a rarely used advanced technique to insert the screws - a two pound club-hammer! There's an awful lot more I can tell you about his DIY efforts, but that can wait until another day.

Anyway, we digress. Things were in full swing and we had started the party games. Our favourite is a slight variation of pin the tail on the donkey - we call it pin the collar on Quasimodo. It was great fun once we managed to catch him - Oh how we all laughed, well most of us. The game was brought to an abrupt halt by a loud crash from the kitchen. Harry had been taking a drink from the sink, when the large pile of dirty plates, dishes etc, that have accumulated over the last few days collapsed on to the floor. This came as quite a shock to Sid, who at the same time was turning out the contents of the garbage bin on to the very same floor. "Makes it easier to sort through" he advised later. Well, you can imagine the mess.Disaster! I heard a key turn in the front door. "The one I don't trust" had come home early - you really can't rely on him. He was not impressed with the sight that greeted him - smelly kippers on the settee, curtains and plaster all over the floor, the kitchen covered in garbage and broken crockery. You should have seen the scramble for the cat flap. I wouldn't have thought it possible that so many cats could get out of such a small hole in so little time. We reassembled on the back wall. The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry - who was it who said that? "Robert Burns" said Old Black Tom. "No, it couldn't have been him" I replied, "he wasn't invited. It must have been me!" Perhaps Old Black Tom is not so clever after all.

Oh well, that's my lot for today. When I crept back indoors a little later, I think he had forgiven us, because I heard him mutter under his breath "wait till I get hold of those three." I expect he is missing us and just wants to give us a cuddle - so that's nice isn't it! What a life! AlbertThe(party animal)Cat.

Doing the Rounds....

Hello again. I took the day off yesterday to recover from recent events. By sleeping at full speed, I managed to wake up early this morning feeling greatly invigorated. I thought a bit of fresh air would do me good, and as it appeard to be quite a nice morning, after breakfast, I decided to go for a stroll and catch up with the local gang.I had a look over next door, and sure enough, the nasty little Jack Russell started yapping away as soon as it saw me. I stayed just long enough for it's owner to come and drag it away. A bit further along the back wall, I came across wise Old Black Tom - he is a very clever and important cat, he told me so himself. "What's occuring?" I asked. "Not much" he said knowingly. "I'm watching the world go by." I sat with him for a while. "Where's it going then" I asked. "Where's what going?" he said. "The world of course" I replied. He gave me one of his withering looks, so I decided to press on.

In the distance, I could hear a tinkling bell - must be Quasimodo I thought. He's as mad as a hatter - driven insane by the little bell on his collar. I've told you all about him before. I wandered off to see if I could get any sense out of him. He came towards me at great rate of knots. "What's up with you" I shouted at him. "About half past ten" he said as he dashed past. I forgot to tell you he is deaf as well. I eventually found him hiding under a bush. "Get down here quickly" he said "or they will see you." "Who" I asked "The firemen" he said nervously, "They are chasing me, can't you hear the bells?" Next minute, a phone rang in a nearby house, and he was off like a flash - saved by the bell I thought!

A bit further along the wall, I heard a loud noise like the sound of a dustbin lid falling on to the ground. Hurtling down the garden came Mad Harry carrying a tasty fishbone, and Slasher Sid covered in what was once a nourishing meat stew, closely followed by an irate red faced woman with a bucket of water. Presumably she was bringing them something to drink after their lunch - how thoughtful. When things calmed down they told me that they had been sampling the delights of her bin and she had taken umbrage.

Now as we know from past missives, it is very sensible to keep on the right side of Harry and Sid - if you know what I mean. Rumour has it that they were trapped once and taken to the local cat and dog home, but after a few days they were thrown out for attacking a Rottweiller! Clearly not to be messed with. You never know when their services might be required, so I told them that they must pop round to our place some time, and have a good ferret around in our bin. I bid them farewell. I had this strange feeling that I should return home, call it a sixth sense if you like, all us cats have it - hunger it's called. Time for lunch.Well that's my lot for today. When I got back, "My poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" were in the garden playing with my crocuses. "Make sure you leave some for me to dig up" I told them. The first daffodils have started to appear. They reminded me of what happened to the nasty little Jack Russell last year. It was stupid enough to swallow a daffodil bulb and made itself ill. It was rushed to the vets, and never being slow to spot an opportunity to extract cash, the vet said that they would have to keep the dog in for observation. "How long for" cried the owner. "Don't worry" said the vet, "it will be out in the Spring." Ho Ho Ho.. Oh please yourselves! AlbertThe(wandering)Cat.

Best of Breed!

I've decided to forget about the dreaded appointment with "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year." Don't worry though, you won't miss a thing - as soon as there is any news I will report back. Something rather interesting has cropped up. I was dozing in the chair, while "the one I don't trust" was reading the paper. "Look here" he said "there's a cat show on this weekend, shall we enter our lot?" and then he fell about laughing. "I wonder if they've got a category for cutest looking cat, we could enter Ginger Tail" said "the pretty one." "Yes, and we could stick Bert in the heavyweight division" he replied wiping the tears from his eyes.

Very droll I thought. He has got a childish sense of humour. When he went out, he left the paper open, and I took a look. There was a list of breed categories - now let me see Abyssinian, some more A's that I've never heard of, Birman, Burmese, a load of funny sounding C's, Donskoy - bald as a coot, Egyptian. Wait a minute, they've missed out the F's. I think F comes after E, well it did last time I looked. There's no Feral category - a surprising omission. Now being a pure bred pedigree Feral, I was most put out. Only one thing to do I thought - go and see wise Old Black Tom - he is the fount of all knowledge.I found him in his usual place, on the back wall, having a good scratch and watching the world go by. "Breed standards my boy" he said knowingly. "A list of characteristics for each breed - the judges use them to score the entrants. A bit like a product specification" he said. "What does the one for Feral say then" I asked. "Don't think anyone has ever bothered to write one" he replied. What an oversight I thought - "perhaps you should think about writing one" said Old Black Tom in a strangely high pitched voice. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought he was stifling a chuckle. What an excellent idea.

Right, I've found a standard on the internet for a Siamese - scrawny looking thing if you ask me, looks like it could do with a good meal. Anyway, I can use it as a template. Now lets just get settled down in front of the mirror and get started:-

• GENERAL - The overall appearance of the Feral must be cat like. That should stop dogs entering! It will also rule out a few of those strange looking cats up on the dump where I came from.
• PEDIGREE - Should definitely have a mother, and the father should be narrowed down to any one from no more than five.
• COLOUR - Black and white varieties take precedence over all others, especially common or garden tabbies like my "poncy brother." Dum looking ginger tailed things should be disqualified.
• PATTERN - Coat patterns can be variable, but a handsome little black beard is highly desirable.
• COAT - Long haired varieties are preferable. Made up of hair, which should detach itself by the handful, when brought into contact with furniture and carpets.
• HEAD - An essential requirement. Preferably only one, and should be located at the forward end. A mouth is present at the very front, and this is where the food goes. The mouth also contains teeth, for nipping with, to keep staff under control.
• BODY - The body is found behind the head. Usually the length will exceed the width, but in some "well developed" specimens this may be touch and go! A good rule of thumb, is the bigger the better.
• EARS - Usually in pairs located one on each side of the head. Often one may be missing as a result of past skirmishes. Should not be marked down for this feature.
• EYES - Again, usually in pairs, situated at front of head, often, but not always level with each other. A range of colours have been observed, often in the same cat.
• LEGS - Four in total, two at the front and two at the back, located at each corner. Two different variants, specifically designed for front and rear ends. Ideally matching pairs should be observed. A paw is appended to the end of each leg. In superior specimens, six toes will be found on each paw.
• TAIL - When a feral enters the room, this is the last bit to arrive. Found at the opposite end to the head. In some lesser breeds, such as the Manx, this feature is entirely missing. Slightly shorter versions, especially if teeth marks are present at the tip should not be marked down. Colours must co-ordinate with rest of coat with long black bushy ones scoring highest.

That should do the job. Do you know, I reckon I would score rather well, clean up in fact. I wonder if I can get "the housekeeping staff" to enter me. I can see it now, cat food commercials, late night chat shows - fame and fortune beckons.

Well that's your lot for today. Do you know, there is a breed of cat called a German Rex - probably a cat that looks like a daschund! What a life! AlbertThe(thoroughbred)Cat.

It's a Dogs Life.....

Hello folks. Well, as we thought, I got the blame for the snowdrop incident. There’s no justice is there? Just you wait until the crocuses, crocuseses..., croci, whatever??? appear – I’ll get my own back then. I’ve had quite a traumatic morning, a very narrow escape in fact. Almost used up one of my nine lives. “Thank goodness you’re safe" I hear you cry? I said, “Thank goodness you’re safe" I hear you cry – must be going a bit deaf. You need to speak up a bit. Anyway, I had popped over next door to do a bit of digging. Now usually, I keep my eyes open for the nasty little Jack Russell. Well, I must have let my guard down, because the damn thing crept up on me.

The shock of it – I just got to the apple tree by the back fence, scrambled up, closely followed by said Jack Russell snapping away at my tail. We were about ten feet off the ground when the stupid mutt remembered it couldn’t climb trees, and fell backwards, landing on the ground with a satisfying thump. Unfortunately it was only stunned, and was soon back on its feet, yapping away, making one hell of a din. Eventually the owner came and dragged it away. When I got home, I was in dire need of a few prawns to aid my recovery.

I ask you, what is the point of dogs? I mean, they serve no useful purpose at all - nothing but a nuisance. What if dogs had not been invented, and nobody had ever seen one? “Marvellous” you cry – yes I know, but that’s not my point. Imagine if a boffin invented the dog today, and then someone mass produced them. How on earth would the poor salesmen be able to shift such a product? Can you imagine the sales pitch when he knocked on the door……….

“Good day to you madam, can I interest you in an exciting new product called the dog”

What does it do?

“Good question madam – it comes to live in your house”

What do I have to do with it then?

“Well, when it is raining, you just tie a piece of rope round its neck and drag it up and down the road for half an hour and get soaking wet”

Really? Is that all?

“No, No, there is much more. You feed it at least three times a day. They prefer expensive cuts of finest meat”

What does it do then?

“Quite often, it is sick on the carpet, before going out into the garden and making a most dreadful mess”

Has it got any other endearing features?

“Oh yes, plenty. It carries around small black things that make it scratch incessantly. Occasionally these leap off, and land on you, and you start scratching as well – hours of endless fun”

Mmmm. I’m not sure.

“Oh come, come madam, there’s even more. It leaves hair all over the place, allowing you to vacuum at least once a day. It emits a most unpleasant smell, especially when wet. It chews lumps out of the furniture. The de-luxe version also chases cars. You can throw a stick for it to run after”

What do I do when it brings the stick back?

“You throw it away again”

Is that it then?

“Certainly not – it makes a charming yapping sound, and occasionally bites. It has to be surgically removed from visitors legs – a touching display of affection, and last but not least, you can regularly take it to see a failed medic who will stick needles in it before relieving you of large sums of cash – HOW MANY DO YOU WANT?”

No, it would never sell. You’re far better off with a cat – clean, friendly, cheap, loyal - we’re no trouble at all are we.Well that’s my lot for today. Before I go, a little dog story – a man went in to a bar, and saw a dog. He said to the chap standing next to it, “does your dog bite?” “No" he replied. The man stroked the dog and it bit him. “Ow” he said – well he would wouldn’t he. “You said your dog doesn't bite.” “He’s not my dog” said the chap, “mine’s at home.” Oh how he laughed. What do you mean you've heard it before? What a life! AlbertThe(dog loving)Cat.

How Many Builders Does it Take to Drink a Cup of Tea?

A very good day to you all. It has been quite pleasant here in London - a bit cold, but bright and sunny. After a hearty breakfast of prawns, I decided to go for a gentle stroll round my patch. I saw something very interesting, which I will tell you about in a minute. Before that though there have been some strange goings on with our cat biscuits. "The one I don't trust" has got it into his head that I am, well how shall I put this...... well rounded, if you get my drift. So, he only went and bought the "light low calorie" version of our favourite bickies. He never thinks these things through. Our bowl is always topped up - I insist on them never letting it get empty - so guess what happened. Yes, that's right, we ate twice as much as usual. He can't understand why we got through two bags so quickly. In fact, I've actually put a bit of weight on. Hopefully this nonsense will stop when he realises it is costing him double to feed us.

The things I have to put up with! Anyway, I thought I would tell you about something I saw this morning while doing my rounds. A lot of noise was coming from a garden just down the road, so I decided to investigate. By the time I arrived, Old Black Tom had beaten me to it - he was sitting on the back wall casting his eye over proceedings. There were half a dozen scruffy looking blokes slowly filling the garden up with bricks. "Whats going on here" I said. "They've got the builders in" replied Old Black Tom. "They are building a conservatory". "Why do they call it that?" I asked. "Well" said Old Black Tom, "it's really an extra room but by calling it that, they don't have to worry about tiresome details such as planning permission and building regulations." How does he know all this - he is a very clever cat, the fount of all knowledge.

One of them started to build a wall with the bricks, while the other five stood around drinking tea and watched him. "I'm surprised they don't put the roof on first" I said, "it will keep them dry if it rains." Old Black Tom gave me one of his withering looks. He had seen the flaw in my plan straight away - I told you he was a very clever cat. After a while, the woman who owns the house appeared, said something to the workmen and then went out. As soon as she was out of sight, they all stopped, sat down and started consulting some important looking papers - plans I expect, while drinking even more tea. Do you know the plans had lists of the runners and riders for all the horse races taking place today - I can't imagine why. Then they all gave the one in charge some money, and he wandered off down the road. The others sat around drinking even more tea and eating biscuits, just like a picnic.

The one in charge arrived back just before the owner, and do you know, by amazing co-incidence they had just started building up the bricks again. Not for long though, as it was soon time for them to go to lunch. What a busy morning they had! The thought of lunch made me hungry, so I bade Old Black Tom farewell and wandered off home.When I got back to our garden I noticed the first snowdrop had appeared - a sign of Spring perhaps. One delicate little white flower in an otherwise bleak landscape. I stood and admired it's inherent beauty, whilst pondering upon the wonders of nature, and then with one swipe of my paw it was gone. Just time for a quick roll in the flowerbed where it used to live. Wonder what's for lunch?Well that's my lot for today. Do you know, "the housekeeping staff" had a go at me about bringing half the garden into the house. Damn cheek - how did they know it was me. Also, I think I might be in the frame for the unfortunate demise of the snowdrop. These allegations are completely without foundation - just like the conservatory, Ho Ho Ho.... What a life! AlbertThe(nature-loving)Cat.

Tales of Ancient Egypt.......

Good news - it looks like the snow has all gone, no idea where to. Need to be careful though, it happened before, then came back when no one was looking. Another thing, along the road where some awful children live, a strange little white chap appeared in the garden, with a nose that looked like a carrot and eyes as black as coal. His arms were so thin they looked like twigs. I was quite fond of him and we had some very interesting conversations, although he didn't say much. I went to see him earlier, and would you believe it, he had disappeared without even a word of goodbye. I had a nice drink though from the puddle near where he used to stand.

What's in store for us next I wonder. Apparently it is going to bucket down according to wise Old Black Tom. He is a very clever cat. He told me it will be "raining cats and dogs by tomorrow." "What - cats and dogs! - we've got plenty of both round here, we certainly don't need anymore." I said. "Don't worry" said Old Black Tom in a condescending voice, "it's just a figure of speech." I pretended to know what he meant.

Anyway, he then went on to explain how this came about. Now, pay attention here, because you lot might just learn something. The story goes like this. Apparently, the ancient Egyptians, who were very wise, looked upon us cats as gods. A cat called Bast, or was it Tiddles? - no I think it was definitely Bast, was daughter of the sun god Ra, which in my book makes Ra a cat as well. So how about that then, the chief god was a cat. Now here is something all you cats should put in the diary - October 31st is the feast day of Bast. "Prawns all round" I hear you cry. This ancient custom should still be celebrated. Bast means "devouring lady" how appropriate, I expect she could shift the prawns! Salmon, tuna - and everything under the Ra(sun) Ho.. Ho.. She possessed an all seeing eye - just like me, always alert, never miss a thing. I seem to have lost my thread, nearly dozed off - what on earth am I on about? Oh yes, cats and dogs.

"How did something as stupid as a dog get in on the act" you ask. Well, the Egyptians thought weather was associated with various animals. Ra, the boss, already had the sun sown up, so they gave Bast rain, the next best thing - it makes everything grow. After others types of weather had been allocated, only the wind remained, and none of the gods wanted the wind! Well, they wouldn't would they? Down on earth they saw a lowly beast chasing a stick and decided in their infinite wisdom, to give dogs the wind, if you will pardon the expression. So when one day there was a really heavy storm - torrential rain, strong winds, Tutankhamun looked out the window of his pyramid, turned to his wife and said "look Cleo, its raining cats and dogs!" Not a lot of people know that!!

Well that's quite enough for today. When you popped in to see me, you never expected a history lesson did you. One last thing, in ancient Egypt, anyone caught harming a cat was for the chop - quite right too. "The housekeeping staff" should bear this in mind next time my prawns are late. My fellow cats, never forget you are descended from the gods. Right, I'm off to sit by the back door to keep an eye out for cats and dogs falling from the sky, just in case Old Black Tom has spun me a yarn - you can't be too careful. What a Life. AlbertThe(omnipotent)Cat.

Tis the Season to be Jolly............

Hello again. Last day of the week. You'll all be pleased to know that when I looked out into the garden this morning there was not a polar bear in sight. What a relief. Even though the snow seems to be disappearing - I still haven't worked out where it goes by the way, I don't think we should let our guard down just yet.

Strange things going on round here today, "the housekeeping staff" have started to bring the garden into the house! Fancy that. The scruffy old pine tree that he acquired a few days ago is now in the lounge. Whenever I bring bits of the garden indoors, mud, grass, etc.. I get shouted at, and now he brings a whole tree inside and nothing is said. I think it has a lot to do with this Christmas thing they keep going on about. Two big boxes have appeared from the loft, full of sparkly silver things, brightly coloured baubles and strings of flashing lights. Now if I'm not mistaken, at the weekend, they intend to hang all this stuff on the tree. Imagine, an indoor scratching post covered with lots of new toys. I can see endless hours of amusement ahead. Perhaps this Christmas lark won't be so bad after all. I'm getting quite excited.

As I'm not really sure what Christmas is all about, I went and spoke to Wise Old Black Tom, the fount of all knowledge. He told me that many years ago, a little baby boy called Santa was born in a stable. "Why was he born in a stable" I asked. "Because all the hotels were full up on account of it being Christmas" he said. What a clever cat, he knows everything. What happened next I hear you ask. Well, three blind mice, I think he said three blind mice, bearing gifts, followed a shining star, and it led them to the stable where the new born child was laying in a manger. I got a bit confused at this point, as its difficult to imagine blind mice following a star. Perhaps they had guide dogs. I wonder what presents they took with them - cheese I expect.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, this is the reason why we celebrate Christmas every year. Now anything that involves receiving presents can't be all bad. I wonder what "the housekeeping staff" will get me? A great big box of prawns I hope. I must be very difficult to buy for - I mean to say what do you get the cat who has got everything? I asked Old Black Tom whether I needed to get presents for "my stupid sister" or "my poncy brother". He said that cats don't usually give presents to other cats, but it was traditional in these parts to give a small token of appreciation to black cats, just for good luck you understand. "A few prawns are usually quite acceptable" he said. Now, I never realised that, and guess who is the only black cat I know - yes you're right, Old Black Tom. Isn't it a good job he told me.
Well that's the lot for today, and in fact for this week. Looks like it could be a busy weekend round here. Hopefully by the time we meet up again on Monday the indoor scratching post will be on display in all it's glory! I can't wait to get my Santa Claws into it - Ho Ho Ho!!! Don't forget now, keep your eyes open for polar bears. What a life! AlbertThe(Festive)Cat.

Don't Bury Your Head in the Sand!

Good day to you all. I'm still basking in the afterglow of last weeks epic victory. The celebrations went on all weekend. Tabby and Ginger Tail are still grizzling about the result, but I think following their little chat with Mad Harry and Slasher Sid, we will not be hearing too much from them for the time being.

Anyway, a new week and we must move on. As you know, I am a very keen ornithologist. Well, I saw a real strange site this morning. About four gardens along from us, they have hung some bird feeders out in the big tree - all full of nuts and things they are. I decided to investigate, so I hid behind a bush, and you'll never believe what I saw. About six or seven great big green things arrived and started stuffing all the food. "What on earth are they?" I thought. I was plucking up courage to pounce but thought better of it - I mean they had nasty red beaks that looked capable of delivering a painful peck! They had long tails and a red and black collar, and my word did they make a dreadful row.
Only one thing for it I thought - I must go to see wise Old Black Tom. As well as being a Returning Officer beyond reproach, he is also the fount of all knowledge in these parts. "Ring necked parakeets, my boy, ring necked parakeets" he said in a knowing voice. I guess they get their name because of the terrible squawking noise which makes you want to wring their necks! Old Black Tom tells me that they originally lived in hotter climes, but decided to move over here to England after we invented global warming. We've made such a good job of heating things up he tells me, that they can now survive the winter. What a wonderful thing this global warming is I thought - must have been invented by cats - far too clever for humans.

Old Black Tom did utter a word of caution though - if things carry on like this he said, all manner of other things might start moving in soon - he reckons something called an ostrich will be next, and do you know what, they are over eight foot tall. We will need to be a bit wary of these things he warned - not to be messed with. I can see what he means, after all, wouldn't they look daft perched on the telegraph wires and you wouldn't want to look up when one flew over would you - doesn't bear thinking about - and what about the size of birdtable. Apparently they have another strange habit - when they get worried they bury their heads in the sand! Personally I dive under the bed, but I suppose they are a bit too big for that.

I thought if all these other things start coming over here, we'll soon be full up. What will we do then? Perhaps we should start shipping things out to make room? Old Black Tom thought this was a very sound suggestion, and said the first thing he would unload were the dogs, as they serve no useful purpose. Seems a pretty good swap to me. I don't think an ostrich would be any more trouble than the snappy little Jack Russell that lives next door. I'd like to see the owner taking it for walkies though.

Well that's my lot for today. I will have to give this global warming lark a bit more thought. Not now though, it's all very taxing, and I think I need a nap. I had a bit of a scrape around in the muddy flowerbed before I went in, and as I walked across the kitchen floor, I heard "the one I don't trust" comment on the mess - I think he was referring to my carbon footprint, or should that be pawprint? Oh how I laughed! What a life! AlbertThe(environmentally sound)Cat.