I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud etc.............

I hope you all had a nice weekend. An uneasy truce has broken out here. A mutual understanding has developed between me and the one I don't trust - he seems to be serving up a reasonable number of prawns, and in return, I've stopped messing the place up too much. Let's hope we can get through until the end of the week, when the pretty one returns without any further unpleasantness.

The weather has taken a turn for the better - Spring has definitely sprung. Now that my crocuses have all been used up, I had a look round the garden this morning to see what I will have to play with next. I reckon it is going to be the daffodils - a host of golden ones in fact! Just a little bit of culture there for my well versed readers, both of you. There are plenty of them as well, daffodils that is, not well versed readers - I should have lots of fun swatting them over the next week or two. Probably best that I don't start until next week or he could construe my actions as being in breach of our truce!I think the Spring weather has got to him as well. He spent most of yesterday planting seeds in little trays. When they grow a bit he is going to plant them outside for me to play with. Now being a very perceptive cat, I have sensed that we may have a teeny weeny problem when the pretty one gets back. You see, he has filled the kitchen with these little trays - everywhere they are, on the windowsill, the worktops, some are even in the dark in the food cupboards - I don't think she is going to be very impressed when she sees it all.

The other problem is I don't know how long I can keep up this good behaviour charade. I was wandering around on the kitchen worktops as part of my nightly inspection of the premises and these little seed trays full of soil were all over the place. How I didn't tread in one I don't know - natural grace and agility I thought as I turned round and knocked a dish into the sink. I had to summon up all of my amazing self control to stop myself having a good dig. I'm not sure how long I will be able to keep it up for though - I mean one little dig won't hurt will it?

Q W E R T Y - sorry about that, my stupid sister is trying to swat a spider on the keyboard.

Well, that's my lot for today. As we're on the subject of gardening, have I told you my carrot joke? "Oh no, not another of his rotten jokes" who said that? How rude. Two women were sitting in the garden when one pointed and said "my husband died on that very spot there just as he was about to pull up some carrots for our dinner." "How awful, what happened" replied her friend. "I opened a can of peas" she said. Oh well, please yourselves. What a life! AlbertThe(conciliatory)Cat.

Revenge is Mine..... Well Sort of!

What an outrage! What an absolute outrage! The one I don’t trust took my computer away yesterday in a childish display of petulance. Just because there were a few minor mishaps at my little soiree. I must thank all my pals for their messages of understanding and support. He really doesn’t know what he is up against – if he wants to play silly games he is well out of his depth . When it comes to acts of crass stupidity, then he is up against an acknowledged expert in the field. Mmmm... that doesn’t quite sound right but you get my drift.

I can't let this pass I thought, I'll get him back. After supper last night, I decided that the three of us should clear off until the morning. Tabby and Ginger Tail were reluctant at first, but when I advised that Mad Harry and Slasher Sid may pay a visit if they broke rank they quickly came round to my way of thinking. It was a foul night, bucketed down with rain for hours. I lost touch with the other two - I expect they were taking shelter under a tree or something. Anyway, I returned home late this morning after the one I don't trust had risen from his pit. I sat on the backdoor step, shivering and soaked to the skin - like a drowned rat I looked. "This'll show him" I thought.When I eventually went in, the other two were sitting on the settee, licking their lips. They looked strangely dry! "Oh hello, fancy seeing you" said Tabby in a surprised voice. "How long have you been in here?" I asked. "Just arrived this very minute" he said sheepishly. "Well how come you are both bone dry?" I replied as quick as a flash - not much gets past me! "We were hiding two gardens away, and it wasn't raining there" said Ginger Tail. I recalled last night's weather forecast - it said localised heavy downpours. Obviously very local indeed. How lucky they were.

"Where is he then - is he worried?" I asked. "Who?" said Tabby. "The one we don't trust of course." "Oh him, he went out about five minutes ago" said Tabby. "Just after he had given us our prawns" said Ginger Tail, "they were nice and fresh this morning, just how we like them." "That's good" I thought. "Where are mine then?" "Well, we weren't expecting you back so soon, so we ate them for you" chuckled Tabby. Oooh I was livid. I stood there in a puddle of rainwater with all the dignity I could muster. I hate those two I really do!"Still" I said, "I bet he was in a right state - how's he going to explain my absence to the pretty one in his daily bulletin." "To be honest" said Tabby, breaking the habit of a lifetime, "I don't think he noticed - he was in a bit of a rush you see." Things had started badly, and were going slowly down hill. There was only one thing for it, I went straight out into the garden and decimated the remaining crocuses. After a good roll in the mud I went up to the bedroom and fortunately he had left his freshly washed favourite jumper laying on a chair. Too good an opportunity I thought - the perfect place for a good clean up before a much needed nap.Well that's my lot for today. As I dozed off, I was thinking what else I could do to teach him a lesson. The curtain rail I thought - he put it back up again yesterday. What a pigs ear he made of it as well. It's all scew-whiff. I reckon he needs a new bubble in his spirit level. A gentle tug is all that's needed and the whole lot will come down again. When it comes to DIY, it may be that his sole purpose in life is to serve as an example to others. I feel guilty that we have him here at all - we are depriving some village of it's idiot. See you all next week. What a life! AlbertThe(vengeful)Cat.

Home Alone - Apart From Him!!!

When I awoke bright and early this morning I wandered over to the window, and what an inspirational sight greeted me. The early morning sun was just peeping over the hedgerows, and spears of light were glistening on the lightly frosted grass, like twinkling diamonds. The wondrous hues of newly bloomed crocuses, bluebells and snowdrops - blues, yellows, purples and brilliant white against a backdrop of vivid green - a picture to behold. The dawn chorus was in full song, as blue tits, sparrows and robins joyously greeted the new day with a rich melodious cacophony of sound. Mother nature in all her glory. I sat and admired such handiwork and I knew at once what I should take full advantage of the wonderful gifts she has bestowed upon us. Yes, that's right, I went straight back to bed, stopping only for a light breakfast on the way.Well, what did you think I was going to do? I mean, mornings come round every day nearly, so there's no need to get carried away is there! After all, I need my rest. Anyway, I eventually surfaced just before lunch, and the sun was still out, so clearly I made the right decision. Time for a good scratch, and roll in the dirt before eating. I was starting to doze off in the warm sunshine, when the tranquility was broken by the sound of "my stupid sister" crashing over the back wall in hot pursuit of a large pigeon that was flying at least thirty feet above the ground. I do wonder about her at times. "You'll never catch that" I said. "I'm gaining on it" she replied as she shot past.

Next, "my poncy brother" Tabby appears out of the cat flap with a concerned look on his smug face, and comes over and sits down for a chat. He was the bearer of some very worrying news. Apparently he had overheard a telephone call between "the pretty one" and her mother. "She's visiting" said Tabby, "for a fortnight." "What!!!" I exclaimed, but we've only just got rid of her after Christmas. "No, no" said Tabby, "you don't understand, it is far worse, her mother is not coming here, 'the pretty' one is going to visit her!" The thought of two weeks in the Colditz Cattery under the supervision of the evil camp commandant filled me with dread. "It's bad, but not quite that bad" said Tabby, "she is going on her own, 'the one we don't trust' is being left behind to look after us."My initial relief quickly turned to horror. I mean, "the one I don't trust" is hardly capable of looking after himself, he's barely house trained. Surely he can't be left in charge for two whole weeks. I reckon he has been biding his time waiting for an opportunity like this to get his own back on me - I'll probably starve. Apparently she is not going until the end of the week, so there is time to hatch a plan. I think I'll let the Cats Protection people know what is going on - they keep in touch through the good offices of Twitter you know.

Well, that's my lot for today. I'm in shock. What started off as a rather pleasant day, has gone downhill very quickly. What on earth possessed her to desert us and leave him totally unsupervised. Who is going to tie his shoelaces for him? Without her around things are bound to go to pot. His view of housework is why bother, in six months time it will need doing again. What a life! AlbertThe(deserted)Cat.

Doing the Rounds....

Hello again. I took the day off yesterday to recover from recent events. By sleeping at full speed, I managed to wake up early this morning feeling greatly invigorated. I thought a bit of fresh air would do me good, and as it appeard to be quite a nice morning, after breakfast, I decided to go for a stroll and catch up with the local gang.I had a look over next door, and sure enough, the nasty little Jack Russell started yapping away as soon as it saw me. I stayed just long enough for it's owner to come and drag it away. A bit further along the back wall, I came across wise Old Black Tom - he is a very clever and important cat, he told me so himself. "What's occuring?" I asked. "Not much" he said knowingly. "I'm watching the world go by." I sat with him for a while. "Where's it going then" I asked. "Where's what going?" he said. "The world of course" I replied. He gave me one of his withering looks, so I decided to press on.

In the distance, I could hear a tinkling bell - must be Quasimodo I thought. He's as mad as a hatter - driven insane by the little bell on his collar. I've told you all about him before. I wandered off to see if I could get any sense out of him. He came towards me at great rate of knots. "What's up with you" I shouted at him. "About half past ten" he said as he dashed past. I forgot to tell you he is deaf as well. I eventually found him hiding under a bush. "Get down here quickly" he said "or they will see you." "Who" I asked "The firemen" he said nervously, "They are chasing me, can't you hear the bells?" Next minute, a phone rang in a nearby house, and he was off like a flash - saved by the bell I thought!

A bit further along the wall, I heard a loud noise like the sound of a dustbin lid falling on to the ground. Hurtling down the garden came Mad Harry carrying a tasty fishbone, and Slasher Sid covered in what was once a nourishing meat stew, closely followed by an irate red faced woman with a bucket of water. Presumably she was bringing them something to drink after their lunch - how thoughtful. When things calmed down they told me that they had been sampling the delights of her bin and she had taken umbrage.

Now as we know from past missives, it is very sensible to keep on the right side of Harry and Sid - if you know what I mean. Rumour has it that they were trapped once and taken to the local cat and dog home, but after a few days they were thrown out for attacking a Rottweiller! Clearly not to be messed with. You never know when their services might be required, so I told them that they must pop round to our place some time, and have a good ferret around in our bin. I bid them farewell. I had this strange feeling that I should return home, call it a sixth sense if you like, all us cats have it - hunger it's called. Time for lunch.Well that's my lot for today. When I got back, "My poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" were in the garden playing with my crocuses. "Make sure you leave some for me to dig up" I told them. The first daffodils have started to appear. They reminded me of what happened to the nasty little Jack Russell last year. It was stupid enough to swallow a daffodil bulb and made itself ill. It was rushed to the vets, and never being slow to spot an opportunity to extract cash, the vet said that they would have to keep the dog in for observation. "How long for" cried the owner. "Don't worry" said the vet, "it will be out in the Spring." Ho Ho Ho.. Oh please yourselves! AlbertThe(wandering)Cat.

The Times They are a Changing!

Greetings folks and fellow cats. Still no sign of the appointment card from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year". The postman came and went this morning with no sign of it - they've probably forgotten about us by now. I reckon our very swift shredding of the original may have nipped this outrage in the bud. I think we can relax - I may stand down the guard. At the end of the day, us cats are just a little too clever.

Talking of buds, I heard some very worrying news on the telly last night. Something about Spring arriving 11 days early this year. Whose idea was that? Why can't these damn scientists just leave things as they are - I was quite happy with the existing arrangements. What a load of rubbish I thought, but there it was in black and white on the BBC website. So, this morning I went out into the garden to investigate. Now, we all know a snowdrop appeared recently - I soon put a stop to that - Ho Ho Ho.... Well, another one has appeared, along with some yellow crocuseseses, or whatever they are called. Now I've checked back in my diary, and it appears that it was nearing the end of February before I swatted my first crocus last year!

There must be some truth in this nonsense after all. My initial thought was - "what the heck, time for a nap," and I was wandering back to bed when something most disturbing hit me. The article referred to the food chain being disrupted. Apparently bees and the like can't be bothered to get up early to do what ever they do to the flowers, the upshot being no fruit and seeds. Now as I never eat fruit and seeds, I don't see what concern this is of mine. However, it then went on to say that even those at the top of the food chain will be effected. Now, I can assure you that round here, no one comes higher in the food chain than yours truly!! Must be why my prawns were late this morning. I must go and wake up all the bees - lazy little perishers.And another thing, where have those 11 days gone - do we get them back, or are they lost forever. I think we should be told, I mean someone must have them somewhere! What will they do with them - I bet they add them back on when we're not looking. Probably tag them on to the Winter. Is my birthday 11 days earlier - am I 11 days older? Have I missed out on 11 breakfasts, dinners and suppers - not to mention the accompanying snacks? Mark my words, no good will come of it. Things like time should be left well alone. Where will it end? If they keep making things earlier, I will have to get up before I go to bed! Aaaaggggghhhhhhhh.......... my brain is hurting! I must rest it.That's my lot for today. I'm off for a lie down in a darkened room. I bet they blame it all on global warming they usually do! Well tell me this then, if Spring is earlier and things are hotting up, why is it snowing outside? Answer that one then - not so clever now are you! What a life! AlbertThe(most distressed)Cat.