Writer's Block......

Hello again. I'm not really sure why you've all turned up here today. I've got nothing much to say. I think I must be suffering from writer's block, whatever that is. "Thank goodness for that!" What, how rude! We can do without that sort of comment thank you very much! Perhaps I'll just start rambling away, and see where it leads us. "Same as normal then!" I don't believe it, we can do without him as well - it's Tabby, my poncy brother. I thought he was asleep in the vegetable patch - amongst his intellectual equals! Ho Ho Ho... Bear with me while I get rid of him.............................. That's better, now where were we?

Did you all have a nice weekend? I had a very quiet one, nothing much happened. I spent some time thinking, must have been all of five minutes. It does us all good to reflect now and again I pondered as I sat in front of the mirror. What's that awful grating noise I hear you ask - I'm afraid it's the sound of a barrel being scraped. I've no sympathy for you, it's your own fault for still being here -I did warn you that this might be a rather thin offering. I'm surprised you've got this far.I suppose, there was one thing of note that happened. Ginger Tail, my stupid sister had been scratching a lot recently, and it hadn't gone unnoticed. "I think we need to flea her" said the pretty one. "We should probably do the lot of them" added the one I don't trust in a somewhat menacing manner. I was off like a robber's dog, if you'll pardon the expression, followed closely by Tabby. We sat outside the back door to watch the forthcoming entertainment. Ginger Tail was too daft to realise what was happening and continued to sleep soundly on the settee. The one I don't trust, crept up and grabbed her by the scruff of the neck, and despite much hissing and scratching - mainly from him, he soon had her in a headlock. The pretty one squeezed some evil smelling potion on to the back of her neck. Ginger Tail's neck that is, not her own neck you understand - I hope that's clear! When he released her, she spat at him, Ginger Tail that is, and then bolted out through the cat flap and hid in the Chrysanthemumumums, Chrysanthemumumums, damn and blast, I'll try again, Chrysanthemumumums....., stupid name! "Chrysanthemums, I think you mean" said Tabby in a condescending voice. "That's easy for you to say" I replied. I hate him, I really do! Anyway, she hid in the yellow flowers before taking up residence behind the watering can.Meanwhile back in the house, the one I don't trust couldn't understand why me and Tabby had shot off before he could do us as well. He really has got no idea, I mean I understand everything he says - does he think I'm thick? There's no need for you to answer that one! He was making idle threats about catching me and Tabby the next morning. Well, let me tell you this, you've got to be up pretty early in the morning to catch Bert!! "About eleven 'o' clock should do it" said Tabby. What a cheek!Well, that's my lot for today. I told you there wasn't much to talk about. Oh, one minor event I should mention in passing - it's the pretty one's birthday today, so I suppose I should wish her many happy returns. No idea how old she is, let's just say twenty nine, that should keep me in her good books, and ensure extra prawns. Mind you, don't they reckon that one cat year is the equivalent of seven of their years? Or is it the other way round? No, I think I'm right, so that would make her 29 x 7, which equals, err...... nine times seven, err...... three down carry six, err..... well, lets just say very old in cat years. Mind you though, it's not all bad - statistically speaking, those who have the most birthdays live longest! What a life! AlbertThe(thinking)Cat.

Trivial Pursuits.......

I don't know where the time goes. "You spend most of it sleeping!" Who said that? It's Tabby, that poncy brother of mine again. As I was saying before being so rudely interrupted, time seems to fly past. Do you know it is seven days since I was last here - that is very nearly a week I think.

You'll be pleased to know, that I have not wasted the time, despite what Tabby thinks. I have discovered a new hobby. As regular readers will know, I have many varied intellectual interests, such as ornithology, horticulture, gastronomy, and of course late night ratting amongst the garbage bins in the back alley. Well over the last few days, I have taken up lepidoptery - "is there no end to your talents Bert" I hear you cry. "There most certainly are!" Heaven forbid, it's that pesky Tabby again. Bear with me a minute while I chase him off....................................................... That's better, we can continue without his unnecessary contribution.

Now, I realise that most of you are not as well educated as like what I am - "they must all be thick as planks to keep turning up here to read this rubbish." What! He's crept back in again already. Don't go away............................................................... Right, that will be the last we hear from him, I've chased him into next doors garden and the nasty little Jack Russell that lives there has him trapped up a tree. He could be there for hours if we are lucky.
Where was I - Oh yes, lepidoptery for the uninitiated is the study and collection of flutterbies, well I think that's what they are called. I was laying in the vegetable patch, alert as always, on top of my carrot plants that the one I don't trust kindly planted for me - they are most comfortable, when I spotted a flutterby land on one of the cauliflower plants. See, I told you I was a horticulturist, I know the names of all the plants. Anyway, I crept up behind it and admired it's beauty, the delicate lace-like wings, fragile thin legs and tiny body - one of natures triumphs. A cabbage white if I am not mistaken I thought. As it flew off, I leapt at least six feet into the air, and grabbed it with both paws. They don't taste of much, but they don't half tickle when you swallow them. Unfortunately, in the process, I plunged head first into the middle of the cauliflowers, flattening about half a dozen of them.

The one I don't trust saw all this, and came towards me shaking his fist. Thinking he must have a handful of prawns as a mark of his gratitude for me protecting his crops from the ravages of the cabbage white, I approached him expectantly. How wrong can you be! Anyway, as he seemed to have taken umbrage at some apparent slight, I decided to make a rapid exit, and hopped over the wall into next door. I completely forgot about the nasty little Jack Russell, and had to take swift evasive action. "Fancy seeing you here" said Tabby as I scrambled up the apple tree and sat next to him on the top branch. Oh how he laughed! I hate him I really do.Well that's your lot for today. I may be back later in the week, if I ever get out of this tree. How did it come to this - the indignity of it. Stuck up here with my poncy brother. Even the birds are laughing at me. "Don't worry" said Tabby, "someone is bound to call the fire brigade to rescue us if the dog doesn't clear off." Just what we need I thought, someone aiming a hosepipe at us! I never have liked trees - it's the bark you see! What do you mean it's a rotten joke. Under these somewhat trying circumstances it's the best I can do. What a Life! AlbertThe(arboreal)Cat.

Staff Problems...

I'm not very happy today - problems with the housekeeping staff you see. They've been getting a bit too familiar lately, taking liberties if you know what I mean. Only yesterday the pretty one referred to me as "Bertie Boy." Yes, "Bertie Boy." Outrageous I hear you say. I don't mind my friends calling me Bert, but "Bertie Boy!!!!" I think the staff should stick to Albert. When you are in a position of authority like my good self you must maintain standards. It's the thin end of the wedge. Before you know it, one thing leads to another and heaven forbid, she'll be picking me up. "I'd like to see her try, you must weigh half a ton" Who said that? It's my poncy brother, how rude, I wish he'd clear off.

Anyway, you get my point. I indulge her occasionally and let her stroke me, especially if there is a prawn in it, but I do draw the line at being picked up! The one I don't trust tries it occasionally. Last time it happened, I was crated up and taken to see the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year. I managed to inflict quite a bit of damage to his arm. He made a dreadful fuss, but it was only a flesh wound.I am getting a bit worried about their attitude. Take this morning for example. For some reason they had to be up early - miserable as sin they were, arguing with each other, banging about - it really disturbed my beauty sleep. "You need plenty of that!" It's that damn brother of mine again, I thought he'd gone. They should think themselves lucky that I give them a few hours off to get some sleep. They were in such a rush to get out, that they neglected to give me my prawns for breakfast. I heard her tell him to make sure we were OK. "They're fine" he said, "they won't starve." Then they rushed out the door leaving only a dish full of biscuits and water. You'd expect better service in a doss house wouldn't you.

I need to teach them a lesson, let them know who's boss. "Perhaps you should disappear for a few hours, or days even, that would be better" said Tabby. "They'll be really worried." Not a bad idea I thought so off I went. After a couple of hours, I got a bit peckish, and I thought they would have seen the error of their ways, so I decided to go back. When I arrived, the staff were already there. I crept in through the flap and Tabby was waiting. "Have they missed me, are they worried?" I asked. "Oh yes" said Tabby, "they are mortified, so much so that they had to have a sit down and watch telly." I took a peep and I must say they appear to have recovered very well from the shock! "They put a big heap of prawns down when they got back. We thought you were staying away for ages. It seemed a shame for yours to go to waste, so me and Ginger Tail scoffed the lot - they were lovely" said Tabby who appeared to be semi-convulsed with laughter - I hate him, I really do.

Well, that's my lot for today. I can't believe the bad luck I have. I thought black cats were supposed to be lucky, and I'm sort of half black. That brother of mine is no help. He's the type of cat, that just when you think you've hit rock bottom, he throws you a shovel. One day I'll sort him out. I'm going to go and sit next to the one I don't trust and lull him into a false sense of security. I'll show him. Think I'll go outside and sharpen up the old claws on his cherry tree first. What a life! AlbertThe(disgruntled)Cat.

One Born Every Minute!

I think I've just about recovered from yesterdays unfortunate incident with the curry. I didn't get up too early this morning, and by the time I went down for breakfast, Tabby and Ginger Tail were already out and about. I put on my best pitiful look and stared longingly at the pretty one. She immediately rushed to the fridge, and served up some prawns. I've still got the old magic I thought to myself. I carefully checked to make sure they were not poisoned with curry and then devoured them. They hardly touched the sides. Very nice I thought, wonder what's for main course.

Just as I was licking my lips, Tabby and Ginger Tail came charging in through the flap. "You'll never guess" said Tabby, "we've found a magic tree." "Yes" said Ginger Tail, "it's grown overnight in the garden over the back wall." What a load of rubbish I thought. "What's magic about it then?" I asked. "Prawns are growing on it" said Tabby, "there are big fat juicy prawns growing on it." Now, as you can imagine, I was a little sceptical, because we all know where prawns come from don't we - yes, that's right, the big white thing in the kitchen. "Little pink things have grown on the tree overnight" said Ginger Tail, "if you know the magic secret, they turn into prawns." "Little pink things? You stupid cat" I said, "they're buds, anyway how do you know the magic secret." "Wise Old Black Tom told us" she said confidently.

That changed everything, because Old Black Tom is a very clever cat - he knows absolutely everything. If he told them, it must be true. "What's the magic secret then." I asked. "Not telling," Ginger Tail replied. After much pleading, Tabby let me in on it. "What you have to do is walk round the tree three times, scratch the tree trunk as hard as you can for five minutes, jump into the flowerbed, roll in the tulips, and then sit outside the back door and mew as loud as you can with your eyes shut. When you open your eyes, the tree is covered in big juicy prawns."

So off I went. If I hadn't know better, I could have sworn I heard giggling as I left. I climbed over the wall, and sure enough, the tree was just as they said, covered in little pink things. Now, I've had a few run-ins with the woman over the back wall, I think she may be a witch - there is a broomstick propped up against the wall which is a bit of a giveaway. She has no sense of humour, in fact she took great umbrage when I started ferreting about in her roses. She was nowhere to be seen, so I started off by walking round the tree three times. I scratched the trunk for all I was worth, and dived headlong into the tulips - I flattened them! Now for the "piece de resistance" - I sat outside the back door and mewed at the top of my voice with my eyes firmly closed. When I opened them, what a sight greeted me - the witch was standing over me with a bucket of cold water which she then promptly chucked all over yours truly.I was off like a shot. As I went in through the flap, Tabby and Ginger Tail were rolling on the floor convulsed with laughter. "Is it raining?" enquired Tabby, "I thought the sun was out - how did you get on with her prize magnolia?" "Do you know what day it is?" asked Ginger Tail. "32nd March" I replied. "No" she said, "it's 1st April - your special day" "April fool" they cried in unison. Grrrrr... I hate them, I really do.

Well that's my lot for today. Do you know, in the rush to evacuate the woman's garden, I forgot to check out the magic tree to see how many prawns had appeared. Once the witch has calmed down, I will go and have a look - I don't want my stupid brother or my poncy sister stealing them. All that remains is for me to wish you all a pleasant Easter. I'm going to have a well earned rest. I will see you all next week. What a life! AlbertThe(gullible)Cat.

Variety is the Spice of Life....

Hello. I'm not feeling too good at all today. What a night I've had! I blame the housekeeping staff, and in particular the one I don't trust. If it wasn't for their slovenly habits I wouldn't be in this state. After supper last night I decided to go and do a bit of ratting - along with ornithology and horticulture, it is one of my favourite hobbies. I met up with Mad Harry and Slasher Sid, and we went to one of our chosen spots - the communal garbage bins round the back of a nearby apartment block. We didn't have much luck, but you should have seen the size of the one that got away!

After a couple of hours it started to rain so I decided to call it a night and wandered back home. I was feeling a bit peckish, and as everyone else had gone to bed I thought I would have a little look around to see if there was anything on offer. I was walking along the kitchen top by the sink and sure enough, there was a stack of dirty plates, pots, pans, etc. How bone idle I thought, they haven't bothered to do the washing up after supper. However, my contempt for their laziness was soon overcome by delight - I couldn't believe my eyes. Inside one of the pots were lots of really juicy prawns, although they were covered in a rather strange smelling sauce.Too good to be true I thought, and was about to sample one, when I heard Tabby come into the kitchen. "I wouldn't eat those if I were you" he said, "they won't do you any good." Surely he didn't think I would fall for that old trick. He's not having any I thought, he's just trying to curry favour. Quick as a flash, I scoffed the lot. "You haven't eaten them have you?" asked Tabby in amazement. He called to Ginger Tail, "he's only gone and eaten those prawns!" Ginger Tail came running over, and they both stood there and gawped at me. At this point I smelt a rat, which is more than I'd managed earlier. What do they know that I don't? "Guess what they had for supper last night" said Ginger Tail? "Big fat prawns," I replied. "Prawn curry!" said Ginger Tail. All of a sudden, this strange feeling came over me. My mouth was on fire, and I swear steam was coming out of my ears. Good job there was water in the sink - in my rush to swill the stuff down I very nearly fell in. Oh how they laughed. I've never drunk so much in my life. I spent the rest of the night drinking the garden puddles and digging in the flower beds if you get my drift.

Well that's my lot for today. I cannot understand how they can eat the stuff. Do you know, they pick up the phone and in about half an hour some bloke brings it round to the door. I heard him on the phone the other night. "Do you deliver?" he said. "No sir, we do chicken, lamb and prawn, but no liver" the bloke at the other end replied. Ho Ho Ho... What do you mean it's a rotten joke! In my delicate condition it is the best I can do. What a waste of perfectly good prawns. I reckon the one I don't trust left them by the sink on purpose to try and poison me. Still, wait until he sees what I've done to his flowerbed! What a life! AlbertThe(fire-breathing)Cat.

An Idiot's Work is Never Done...

Hello again. You've probably missed me for the last couple of days, I've been keeping my head down. "Have you? we didn't notice." Who said that? How rude! Things are on a knife edge round here – the fragile truce is holding, but only just. We got off to a shaky start this morning. When the one I don’t trust surfaced, he was greeted by a rather impressive hairball that I had earlier left at the bottom of the stairs. He was less than impressed and started using all sorts of unpleasant language, mostly aimed in my direction. He had no proof at all it was me. It could quite easily have been my stupid sister or my poncy brother. It is outrageous that he should blame me. I was going to unilaterally call off our truce – this is how wars start, I thought. You can’t go around making false allegations without expecting the other side to retaliate. “Hang on a minute Bert, I thought it was you that dumped the hairball!!” Which clever reader said that? If you want to split hairs, so to speak, then I suppose you have a point, however it is the principle we are dealing with here.Anyway, he's in a foul mood. The pretty one comes home tomorrow after two weeks away. He has been cleaning the place up and my word it certainly needs it. The damn vacuum cleaner has been out - I hate that thing! He was getting stuck into it when she called him on the phone. I overheard the conversation - well his end of it. It mainly consisted of him repeating the words "yes dear" over and over again in a monosyllabic voice. That's a long word for a cat isn't it - I'll have to try and use it more often! I digress, he then said in an exasperated voice, "but I'm doing it now, I had to stop to answer the phone." I can only assume, she was issuing him with his instructions. He then called upon higher powers for assistance - well I think he did "God help us" he cried, although I did notice he had his hand over the mouthpiece as he said it! "I must go, there's someone at the door" he said as he quietly opened the front door and pushed the bell. What a nasty piece of work he is.

Well, as you can imagine, it is going to be a long job - there is furious activity, absolutely everything is being attacked with the vacuum cleaner - he even used it to clean the bath and the cooker. The noise is unbearable, banging and crashing about he is, and the language was truly awful - I must stop using it. This is no place for a sensitive cat like me, so I cleared off. When I came back for lunch a few hours later, it had quietened down. I must give him his due, you can't recognise the place. I noticed the difference immediately as I strolled through the kitchen - my paws didn't stick to the floor. He was finishing off in the lounge - he sprayed polish into the air, "smells like I have polished the furniture" he chuckled to himself, "she'll never know." See, what did I tell you - a nasty piece of work!

He was admiring his handiwork when I appeared "don't you or the other two reprobates dare mess this up before she gets back!!" he said in a threatening manner. To be honest with you I was not at all enamoured with his attitude. I immediately had a good scratch and pulled out a tuft of hair. He was apoplectic - that's another good word for a cat isn't it. I think he got my drift, because after he had cleaned up the hair, he calmed down a bit. "I suppose you want your lunch now" he said. What a stupid question, why else does he think I am here.Well, that's my lot for today. We now await the triumphant return of the pretty one tomorrow. He has to go and collect her from the airport. The big question is, do I mess the place up while he fetches her? The upside is that he will get his comeuppance, but the downside is that it might put her in a bad mood, and she could well decide not to shower me with treats to express her delight at seeing me again. I wandered off to ponder the dilemma, and saw Tabby sitting on the fence. "He's done his chores" I said. "What chores?" said Tabby. "How kind" I replied, "I'll have half a dozen prawns." Oh how I laughed. Tomorrow looks like being a little hectic, so I may not be here. Do not fear though, I will return as normal next week. What a life! AlbertThe(erudite)Cat.

Revenge is Mine..... Well Sort of!

What an outrage! What an absolute outrage! The one I don’t trust took my computer away yesterday in a childish display of petulance. Just because there were a few minor mishaps at my little soiree. I must thank all my pals for their messages of understanding and support. He really doesn’t know what he is up against – if he wants to play silly games he is well out of his depth . When it comes to acts of crass stupidity, then he is up against an acknowledged expert in the field. Mmmm... that doesn’t quite sound right but you get my drift.

I can't let this pass I thought, I'll get him back. After supper last night, I decided that the three of us should clear off until the morning. Tabby and Ginger Tail were reluctant at first, but when I advised that Mad Harry and Slasher Sid may pay a visit if they broke rank they quickly came round to my way of thinking. It was a foul night, bucketed down with rain for hours. I lost touch with the other two - I expect they were taking shelter under a tree or something. Anyway, I returned home late this morning after the one I don't trust had risen from his pit. I sat on the backdoor step, shivering and soaked to the skin - like a drowned rat I looked. "This'll show him" I thought.When I eventually went in, the other two were sitting on the settee, licking their lips. They looked strangely dry! "Oh hello, fancy seeing you" said Tabby in a surprised voice. "How long have you been in here?" I asked. "Just arrived this very minute" he said sheepishly. "Well how come you are both bone dry?" I replied as quick as a flash - not much gets past me! "We were hiding two gardens away, and it wasn't raining there" said Ginger Tail. I recalled last night's weather forecast - it said localised heavy downpours. Obviously very local indeed. How lucky they were.

"Where is he then - is he worried?" I asked. "Who?" said Tabby. "The one we don't trust of course." "Oh him, he went out about five minutes ago" said Tabby. "Just after he had given us our prawns" said Ginger Tail, "they were nice and fresh this morning, just how we like them." "That's good" I thought. "Where are mine then?" "Well, we weren't expecting you back so soon, so we ate them for you" chuckled Tabby. Oooh I was livid. I stood there in a puddle of rainwater with all the dignity I could muster. I hate those two I really do!"Still" I said, "I bet he was in a right state - how's he going to explain my absence to the pretty one in his daily bulletin." "To be honest" said Tabby, breaking the habit of a lifetime, "I don't think he noticed - he was in a bit of a rush you see." Things had started badly, and were going slowly down hill. There was only one thing for it, I went straight out into the garden and decimated the remaining crocuses. After a good roll in the mud I went up to the bedroom and fortunately he had left his freshly washed favourite jumper laying on a chair. Too good an opportunity I thought - the perfect place for a good clean up before a much needed nap.Well that's my lot for today. As I dozed off, I was thinking what else I could do to teach him a lesson. The curtain rail I thought - he put it back up again yesterday. What a pigs ear he made of it as well. It's all scew-whiff. I reckon he needs a new bubble in his spirit level. A gentle tug is all that's needed and the whole lot will come down again. When it comes to DIY, it may be that his sole purpose in life is to serve as an example to others. I feel guilty that we have him here at all - we are depriving some village of it's idiot. See you all next week. What a life! AlbertThe(vengeful)Cat.

An Appointment with the Devil......

What a day! What a day! We've just got back from our visit to see "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year." Thank goodness that's all over for a little while - a year probably. I had second thoughts this morning, and decided to make a run for it. As the appointment was this afternoon, I thought it best to wait until after lunch - I mean there's no point in missing out on a meal is there. So I played it very casual by loafing around on the settee. I could see "the one I don't trust" looking very smug. "I don't think they know what is going on" he said to "the pretty one." Just to be on the safe side, I moved closer to the flap.

Just before lunch, he put his coat on and went out of the front door. Excellent I thought, just time for a short nap before I'm off. What a sly and deceitful person he is. Unbeknown to me it was all part of his grand plan. He crept around the side of the house, and blocked the flap from the outside. How underhand can you get - I was trapped. Oh he did look pleased with himself when he came back in. I was furious, and dived for cover under the stairs. "There's no escape now" said Ginger Tail. "Best give in gracefully."Unfortunately she was right, so cometh the hour, we were all unceremoniously crated up. It really is most undignified. We soon arrived at this seedy looking establishment - it smells most unpleasant. The hard faced receptionist pointed us in the direction of the waiting room, checking only that "the one I don't trust" had remembered his wallet! Do you know, there were even dogs waiting in the queue. What is this world coming to. When it was our turn, the three of us were taken into the inner sanctum where "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" plies his evil trade. "Let's have the troublemaker" he said sadistically. That's good I thought, Tabby is going first. But no, I was dragged out of my box on to the table. I'll give him troublemaker. I must be one of his more important clients, because I noticed the words "WATCH THIS ONE" in big red letters on my file. "Is he overweight" said "the pretty one." The sweaty little failed medic prodded me about and said "yes he definitely is." Outrageous I thought, I demand a second opinion. "You're fat" chuckled Tabby from inside his box.Time for the jab - do you know it was all over before I had time to bite him. I can't understand what the fuss was all about. "Does it hurt" asked "the pretty one." "Only when I give you my bill" he replied with a wicked grin on his face.

Now here is the funny part, when Tabby and Ginger Tail were done, he said that they were overweight as well. Mind you, he can talk - looks like he's shifted a few pies in his time! Anyway, he then went on to say even though I am the heaviest, in actual fact, the other two are proportionately fatter than me, because I am a much bigger cat - strong and muscular I think he meant to say. So there's a turn up for the book. All that was left, was to pay the bill. "The one I don't trust" went pale when he saw it. As we left, he was mumbling something about whether they wanted the shirt off his back as well. No idea what they would do with that.Well, that's your lot for today. You will be pleased to know, that we are safely back home. Before going for a stroll, I had a few well deserved prawns. When I got outside, I noticed a new sign on the next door neighbours gate "Beware of the Dog" it said. I nearly fell over laughing - I mean, it is only a silly little Jack Russell - perhaps the owner's worried that someone might trip over it! What a Life! AlbertThe(immune)Cat.

On The Run - Nearly......

What a weekend I’ve had! I’ve been hiding under the bed since Friday. I only popped out for essentials like breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner, supper and snacks. Oh, also for a good dig in the garden, and a few naps by the fire. Apart from these rare occasions I’ve been under the bed all the time. You should see the state of things down here, dust, fluff, hair – enough hair in fact to build another cat. What on earth do I pay "the housekeeping staff” for? Actually I don’t pay them anything but that is not the point.

Why am I in hiding, you ask. You’ve not been paying attention over the last week or so have you? We are due to go for our booster jabs tomorrow. I have been deserted by my treacherous "poncy brother" and "my stupid sister." I am lying low until later, when I plan to make good my escape. I have devised a cunning plan. Tonight, after they have blocked the flap up to trap us in the house, I'm going to cover myself in soot from the chimney, and then under the cover of darkness, stopping only for supper, I reckon I can squeeze out of the bathroom window, scramble down the drainpipe on to the shed roof and then off and away over the garden wall.Wait a minute, I can hear giggling - wonder what that's all about? It's only Tabby and Ginger Tail, I wonder what they are up to? "What a daft idea" said Tabby, "can we watch - it should be good for a laugh!" I hate him, I really do! "You won't be laughing tomorrow when you are crated up and taken to be stabbed!" I replied. "Oh yes we will" said Ginger Tail, "we're not going tomorrow, it is not until later in the week." "What! - you told me it was tomorrow - do you mean I've spent the whole weekend under the bed for nothing?" I said furiously. "We know" sniggered Tabby, "it was just a stab in the dark, we made it up - it was our little joke!" "You backstabber" I cried. Oh how they laughed. I hate him, I really do!Apparently, the card from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year," just said call to make an appointment, and as far as we know they haven't done so yet - well that's what Tabby tells me. I don't know who to believe. What is the world coming to when you can't trust your own flesh and blood. I mean, I would never do anything as devious as that. I hope the needle's blunt when it's their turn.

Well that's my lot for today. The whole weekend under the bed for nothing - can you believe it. "I am just going outside, and I may be some time" - I think Captain Oates said that. No, it couldn't have been him, there's no one else here. Wonder what did become of him though. Apparently they took a cat with them on the expedition south. Not sure how he got on with the huskies, but I bet he enjoyed chasing the penguins. His name was Snowy, on account of him being all white. He is in lots of the photographs, but is very difficult to spot! He was the first pole cat! "What do you mean it's a rotten joke" - it's the best I can manage, I'm not in a very jovial mood. What a life! AlbertThe(absconding)Cat.

The Great Escape!

There has been some terrible business here today. You'll never guess what has happened. Our confidence yesterday that "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" had forgotten about us was totally misplaced. The appointment card arrived in the post this morning. Before I could do anything, "the one I don't trust" picked it up and said "they've got to go to the vet for their boosters next week - that'll cost me an arm and a leg!" How mean can he be? Surely it is a small price to pay for having me live with him! Anyway, if I have my way, I'll save him a few bob by doing a runner.

Now, should I let "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" in on it, or should I just leave them in complete ignorance. Probably the latter, after all, I don't want them spooking the staff. If they block the flap up too soon, it will foil my escape. "Have you heard" said Tabby as he walked past, "we are booked in for our jabs next week." I was aghast! "How do you know that?" I said. "Oh they were talking about it earlier - apparently it is on Tuesday, and they plan to shut us in on Monday night." said Tabby - "Ginger Tail knows as well, we weren't going to tell you." What a treacherous, deceitful brother I have - I hate him I really do.Anyway, this is no time for fighting amongst ourselves. That can wait until afterwards. In our hour of need, we must stand together for the common good. I immediately summoned a meeting of the escape committee on the back step. "Any bright ideas?" I said. "Yes" said Ginger Tail, "why don't we just go and get it over with - they always catch us in the end". "I think she's right" said Tabby. Well, I couldn't believe my ears at such defeatist talk. Clearly I needed to rally the troops.

"We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in the kitchen, we shall fight on the bed, we shall fight in the lounge, with growing confidence and hissing and spitting, we shall defend ourselves, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the settee, we shall fight on the landing and on the stairs; we shall never surrender."

Stirring stuff eh? "No, I think we should give up" said Tabby. "You can always hide up the chimney like you did last year" sniggered Ginger Tail. There was no need to bring that up! "What happened" I hear you cry. It was most unfortunate, I'm sure it had been made narrower, anyway I became wedged in. "The one I don't trust" wanted to leave me there until I had lost a few pounds - eventually he had to stick his hand up and drag me out by the scruff of the neck - I was covered in soot! Oh how he laughed! Black cats weren't lucky for him though - I took a lump out of his thumb.So, it looks like I am on my own. I think I'll clear off now, or shall I wait until after supper. I think I'll wait until after the weekend - after all, it is very cold outside. Maybe I'll dig a tunnel.

Well that's my lot for today. Did I tell you what happened last time we went to see "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year?" Well, "the one I don't trust" asked if there was anything he could do to stop us purring. "Why do you want to do that" said the vet. "Because relatives are visiting, and I don't want them to think we are pleased to see them!" What a nasty piece of work he is! What a life! AlbertThe(Houdini)Cat.

On Her Majesty's Service...

Hello - just a very short posting. I wasn't going to do one today, but I knew you would all be worrying about our impending set-to with "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year." I had both Tabby and Ginger Tail stationed by the window this morning waiting for the postman, but there was still no sign of the appointment card. All he delivered was the usual rubbish.
"The one I don't trust" must be more important than I thought, because he had a letter from The Queen, a brown envelope from Her Majesty's Government inviting him to send money. Times must be hard - the global recession, whatever that is, must be starting to bite. I took the precaution of shredding the letter as for some reason the brown ones always seem to make him angry. The last one he got sent him into a state of near apoplexy - he went off on a foul mouthed diatribe about begging letters and squeezing blood out of stones. Apparently they think he is a charity and he has to pay for a bunch of "ne'er do wells, skivers, lickspittles and wasters" all out of his own pocket. I'd have thought looking after us would have been enough for him! He even suggested that he should send them the shirt off his own back - what a kind and noble gesture!

There was another letter for "the pretty one" telling her that she had been fortunate enough to win a prize in the Swaziland National Lottery, and all she had to do was call this telephone number and send a sum of money, in cash to a place called PO Box - wonder where that is? I had no idea she even entered such things. I smelt a rat at first, but then I'm always doing that - Ho Ho, just a little joke for you other cats out there. Seriously though, I soon realised it was genuine, because it said that the money was only to cover their legitimate expenses, so that's alright then, and the telephone number was premium rate - yes premium rate, not ordinary rate, but premium, and the call could last up to fifteen minutes. Obviously they have an awful lot of good news to tell her. She must have won a very big prize. Perhaps she will buy us all presents. Probably best that I don't shred this letter.

Well, that's my lot for today. I'm running out of time. It's been a very busy day, and I can't hang around here chatting away to you lot. Do you know I even missed my afternoon nap - I slept right through it. I hope you all have a nice weekend - see you next week. What a Life! AlbertThe(taxing)Cat.

Conciousness - the short time between naps....

I hope you are all well. I'm taking things very easy. I've decided I need a bit of a rest. Life has been hectic recently, what with the Christmas festivities, our esteemed visitors, the prestigious award, nearly getting a knighthood, and then to cap it all the damn snow. It's cold and slushy outside, so I have taken to my bed. No point in pushing yourself to the limits is there. I mean, hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? If a thing is worth doing, then someone else will have done it already, so best leave it to them."My stupid sister" reckons I am just being lazy, but how little she knows. Being a well educated cat, I have of course studied Physics - whatever that is. Anyway, did you know that one of the laws of dynamics, or something similar, is that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Makes sense therefore to use as little of it as possible. I'm all in favour of conservation. While we are addressing such matters, another important law of Physics that I wholeheartedly agree with is that a body will remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of a refrigerator door.So you can see, there is a lot more to all this loafing around than meets the eye. It can be quite tiring. I wonder if "the housekeeping staff" would bring my meals to my bed - not much to ask is it. Perhaps if I let them stroke me, I mean,they do say there is no such thing as a free lunch. Personally I have never bought in to that daft idea - there is around here, as well as free breakfast, free dinner, free supper and free snacks. Quite right too. The staff should realise by now how lucky they are to have me.Well that's my lot for today. I'm going back to sleep. Hope I wake up in time for my tea. I expect I will - after all, us cats still know what is going on even when we appear to be out like a light. Oh yes, we are always alert, nothing gets past me. "Tea was served up over an hour ago." "Who said that" I asked. "Me" said Tabby, "you were asleep, we didn't like to wake you." Oh how he laughed. I hate him I really do. What a life! AlbertThe(sleepy but alert)Cat.

Don't Count Your Cats.....

Hello again. Weather is looking a bit grim. It is very cold today. "My poncy brother" tried to take a drink out of the old watering can in the garden, and his tongue stuck to it - most unfortunate. Oh how I laughed. I was not slow to take advantage, popped round behind him and nipped his tail - I hate him!
Well, today I thought I would tell you about something I heard recently. "The one I don't trust" was talking to "the pretty one" and he said, "do you know cats can't count." What on earth is he on about I thought, where does he get such rubbish? Me, Tabby and Ginger Tail, looked at him in astonishment - yes, all four of us, Ho.. Ho.. Ho... just my little joke. Apparently he had read it in a book. I can count a lot better than he can, after all he has only got five digits on each hand, whereas I have six on each paw, a mark of my good breeding you understand. My father, elder brother and cousin also had six toes - what do you mean they were probably one and the same cat! How rude - my mother, my auntie and my grandma would be most deeply offended - both of them! Who says we can't count.

Being naturally inquisitive, I felt it beholden upon me to find out for you just how they came up with this daft idea, so I did a bit of research. Now, pay attention, you might learn something. When mummy cat has kittens, she hides them under a bush or somewhere similar, to keep them safe from dogs and other such undesirables. After a few days, she moves them to keep the dogs guessing, I expect. One at a time, she grabs hold of them by the scruff of the neck and carries them to their new abode. In our litter, there was me, Tabby, Ginger Tail, Spotty and Little Torty - yes that's right, seven of us. Naturally I was moved first, being the most important, although Tabby reckons it was because being the heaviest, mum wanted to get the hard work out of the way first! Damn cheek! Anyway after she has been back for the last one, she returns once more. Based on this fleeting observation, they have concluded that mum can't count and just keeps going back until there are no kittens left. What they don't realise is that the only reason mum goes back is to see if anyone has left any food out for her.The quality of the research is pitiful. It brings into question all the other clever things they claim to have discovered. Personally, I have always had doubts about the world being round, I mean we'd all roll off wouldn't we, and how on earth they got to the moon is any one's guess, perhaps they didn't! What about this global warming lark - could have done with a bit of that earlier when Tabby's tongue got stuck to the watering can. They should leave the clever stuff to the cats, and just concentrate on what they do best - looking after us.

Well that's your lot for today. An appropriate note upon which to finish is a little story my Great Uncle Porky used to tell me when I was a kitten. Not many people know this, but when they first started sending rockets into space, they put dogs inside to see what would happen to them - I ask you, a dog! Anyway, eventually they sent a man into space, and he was accompanied by a cat. When they got into orbit, there were two envelopes labelled "instructions". The first one was for the cat and it read - "plot course, check systems, monitor fuel load, undertake experiments, carry out space walk, fire engines to return to earth, adjust boosters for re-entry, deploy parachutes, etc....." The second one was for the human, and it read "feed the cat!". What a Life! AlbertThe(numerate)Cat.

Bert's Christmas Message...

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

Quite right too - no self respecting mouse would wander around here. Well, here we are then, Christmas Eve. The big day has almost arrived. I have just sent "the housekeeping staff" out to get last minute provisions - prawns and cat biscuits I expect. I hope they use their initiative and get me a special treat - half a side of fresh salmon would be quite acceptable. They have taken our esteemed visitors with them, so that they can buy me something. I'm looking forward to opening all my presents tomorrow.

Now it's at times like this, that we should count our blessings and remember those less well off than ourselves - dogs for instance. No, just my little joke, we don't give a damn about them. What I am really getting at is those cats whose staff have neglected them and gone away for the holiday period. These poor creatures will by now be banged up in catteries. I know from personal experience how awful this can be. A few years ago me, Tabby and Ginger Tail were dispatched unceremoniously to Camp Colditz for a whole week over Christmas, while the staff went off and enjoyed themselves. "Poor Bert" I hear you cry.

What a week that was - confined to our cell 24 hours a day, starvation rations, slopping out morning and night, and lights off at 8PM sharp. The picture below shows us just starting our sentence. So you cats out there who have been deserted, you have my sympathy. If I was you, I would spend the time plotting your revenge - shredding the furniture, hairballs on the carpet, dead mice under the bed - you know the sort of thing. All you poor imprisoned pussy cats - rest assured that while we are tucking in to our prawns and fresh salmon, and laying in front of a nice warm fire, we will be thinking of you if we remember.
Christmas is a time of peace and goodwill to all cats, except "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" of course. Christmas is a time for giving. Not just the nice presents that I hope you have all bought for me, but what I really mean is our favourite charities. Take for example the Cats Protection people - what magnificent work they do finding homes for stray cats. You should all search your consciouses and consider taking in a poor homeless moggy. I would myself, but obviously we are overcrowded here already. We had one of these charity people knock on our door the other day just after some of the Christmas decorations had mysteriously been pulled down - "I'm collecting for the local cats home" he said. The one that I don't trust replied tersely "I've got three you can have!". Wonder what he meant by that? Three bags of money I expect - he can be quite generous at times.

Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to get stuck in to the festivities. Before I go though I would like to thank my legions of readers, all five of you, for your support. I hope you all have a very Happy Christmas. I will return after the holiday. What a life! AlbertThe(philosophical)Cat.

Christmas is Coming.....

Hello again. Guess what's happened round here today. "The housekeeping staff" went out this morning, just after prawns, and when they came back, they had a strange looking tree with them- a Norwegian fir apparently! It's out in the garden, leaning up against the shed at the moment. As you would expect, I've had a good look at it, and to be honest, I am quite underwhelmed. I mean it has been sawn off above the root, so I didn't hold out much hope for it. It smells of pine - reminds me of the disinfectant type pong indoors just after they find one of Tabby's hairballs.

I heard "the one I don't trust", saying something about it looking nice once it has been moved inside the house. This is all part of the Christmas ritual that is looming up on us. If nothing else, I reckon it will make a very useful indoor scratching post. Will come in handy when it is raining outside. I will keep an eye on this, and keep you posted over the next week or so. I don't know why, but it fills me with a strange sense of foreboding!

Talking of Christmas, I find it all rather unsettling. Last year, the staff went away, and me Tabby and Ginger Tail were sentenced to two weeks without remission in Stalag Colditz - a terrible place, run by the evil camp commandant. I will tell you all about this place on another day. However, as we are blessed with visitors this Christmas, I am assuming that we won't have to serve another stretch for the time being.
Christmas is a funny time of year - all common sense seems to go out of the window. When I was a lad, my great uncle Porky told me about something called pantomime. Now, you will have to pay attention here because it all gets very confusing! It's a bit like a play at the theatre, but with some subtle differences - one or more of the leading ladies is played by an ugly man who wears women's clothes and is called the dame, the leading young man is played by a woman wearing tights and is called the principal boy, and two men dress up as a horse. Are you still with me? All sounds a bit x-rated to me, but would you believe it, the audience is mainly children!

My Uncle Porky told me that he was in the theatre, and for one panto season was understudy to Dick Whittington's cat. He also went for the starring part in Puss-in-Boots. He got right through to the final audition before he let himself down badly. The director said to him, "Porky, which role do you want?" Quick as a flash, "sausage, sausage roll!" he replied without thinking. Unfortunately that was virtually the end of his career, apart from a minor role years later in the West End musical Cats (I understand that he was employed backstage to keep the mice under control). I think I should have gone into acting. I could have starred as Jess, opposite Postman Pat don't you think?
Well that's your lot for today. I think I need to keep a very close eye on this Christmas lark. There could be some nasty surprises in the offing. Need to watch my back as they say - is that why they shout "he's behind you!". What a life! AlbertThe(black & white)Cat.

Don't Bury Your Head in the Sand!

Good day to you all. I'm still basking in the afterglow of last weeks epic victory. The celebrations went on all weekend. Tabby and Ginger Tail are still grizzling about the result, but I think following their little chat with Mad Harry and Slasher Sid, we will not be hearing too much from them for the time being.

Anyway, a new week and we must move on. As you know, I am a very keen ornithologist. Well, I saw a real strange site this morning. About four gardens along from us, they have hung some bird feeders out in the big tree - all full of nuts and things they are. I decided to investigate, so I hid behind a bush, and you'll never believe what I saw. About six or seven great big green things arrived and started stuffing all the food. "What on earth are they?" I thought. I was plucking up courage to pounce but thought better of it - I mean they had nasty red beaks that looked capable of delivering a painful peck! They had long tails and a red and black collar, and my word did they make a dreadful row.
Only one thing for it I thought - I must go to see wise Old Black Tom. As well as being a Returning Officer beyond reproach, he is also the fount of all knowledge in these parts. "Ring necked parakeets, my boy, ring necked parakeets" he said in a knowing voice. I guess they get their name because of the terrible squawking noise which makes you want to wring their necks! Old Black Tom tells me that they originally lived in hotter climes, but decided to move over here to England after we invented global warming. We've made such a good job of heating things up he tells me, that they can now survive the winter. What a wonderful thing this global warming is I thought - must have been invented by cats - far too clever for humans.

Old Black Tom did utter a word of caution though - if things carry on like this he said, all manner of other things might start moving in soon - he reckons something called an ostrich will be next, and do you know what, they are over eight foot tall. We will need to be a bit wary of these things he warned - not to be messed with. I can see what he means, after all, wouldn't they look daft perched on the telegraph wires and you wouldn't want to look up when one flew over would you - doesn't bear thinking about - and what about the size of birdtable. Apparently they have another strange habit - when they get worried they bury their heads in the sand! Personally I dive under the bed, but I suppose they are a bit too big for that.

I thought if all these other things start coming over here, we'll soon be full up. What will we do then? Perhaps we should start shipping things out to make room? Old Black Tom thought this was a very sound suggestion, and said the first thing he would unload were the dogs, as they serve no useful purpose. Seems a pretty good swap to me. I don't think an ostrich would be any more trouble than the snappy little Jack Russell that lives next door. I'd like to see the owner taking it for walkies though.

Well that's my lot for today. I will have to give this global warming lark a bit more thought. Not now though, it's all very taxing, and I think I need a nap. I had a bit of a scrape around in the muddy flowerbed before I went in, and as I walked across the kitchen floor, I heard "the one I don't trust" comment on the mess - I think he was referring to my carbon footprint, or should that be pawprint? Oh how I laughed! What a life! AlbertThe(environmentally sound)Cat.

Official – "It’s a Landslide…………………"

What a day – I’m glad you could join me. You’re just in time, we are going live to the count, where they are just about to make the declaration………

Old Black Tom has just come out on to the shed roof – “Quiet please, QUIET!!! By the powers invested in me by Bert, I Old Black Tom, the Returning Officer for the said constituency do solemnly swear that the votes cast for each candidate in the election were as follows:-

• Ginger Tail – Stupid Sister Party - 6 votes
• Tabby – Poncy Brother Party - 6 votes
• Albert – Prawns For All Party - 56,000 votes
  

There was one spoiled and defaced ballot paper which cast aspersions on Bert’s parentage and insinuated that he might like to go on a long journey. It was thus disqualified. I therefore duly declare that Albert is elected as “the most cute and adorable cat” in the said constituency. I will now invite the candidates to say a few words. Ginger Tail, please step forward."Ginger Tail - “Thank you Old Black Tom - I would like to thank my election team and my supporters for a superb campaign. We will return to fight another day. I would like to say congratulations to Bert, but unfortunately I can’t. The whole election from start to finish was a complete sham…... Help!…… Let go of me!...... Put me down!…... Aaaghhhhhh!….."

Old Black Tom - “Well Ginger Tail, thank you for that, and also thank you to my two “deputy returning officers”, Mad Harry and Slasher Sid for assisting you from the stage. Now Tabby, have you anything to say?”Tabby - “I most certainly have. However, my enthusiasm has suddenly waned. All I have to say is…. I demand a recount - Fix….. Fix…...Fix….. Fix….. Sorry, but I have to leave now!"

Old Black Tom - “Thank you Tabby, and may I say how impressed I was at the speed you left the shed roof. Mad Harry and Slasher Sid didn’t even have the chance to shake you warmly by the throat, sorry, paw I meant. However, I’m sure they will catch up with you later. I now call upon Albert to make his acceptance speech”Albert The Cat - “Thank you, thank you…… settle down please…… First of all, I would like to thank the returning officer, Old Black Tom, for the fair and scrupulous way in which he has discharged his duties, not forgetting the most efficient way his two deputies have also discharged theirs. Totally beyond reproach. If they would like to pop round the back of the shed afterwards, then they will receive my undying gratitude and a rather large portion of prawns. Next, I must mention my two opponents who fought honourable, but futile campaigns. For the record, it must be noted that both candidates forfeit their deposits due to their pitiful share of the vote. Even the ones they got were dubious, and could quite easily have been discounted on the grounds of hanging chards - whatever they may be. The last minute surge of two votes for Tabby was particularly dubious. However, I am feeling magnanimous, so we won’t quibble. Suffice is to say that Harry and Sid will be calling on them in the very near future to square the accounts, so to speak.My fellow cats – Ginger Tail is defeated, so is Tabby. Today I settled all family business so don't tell me that I’m not the cutest and most adorable cat. Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring a swift visit from Harry and Sid. And where there is despair, may we bring prawns.

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that our back garden is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of prawns for all is alive in our time ... who still questions the power of Old Black Tom and his henchman, tonight is your answer.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, prawns for all has become a reality”.Well how about that. What more can I say. How lucky you must feel to be witness at one of the great moments in feline history. I’m off to celebrate. The party will go on until the early hours – we’ll be drinking from the puddles and passing the cat nip (I never inhale of course!). I will be taking a well deserved rest over the weekend. Look forward to seeing you all again on Monday. What a Life! AlbertThe(victorious)Cat.