Don't Count Your Cats.....

Hello again. Weather is looking a bit grim. It is very cold today. "My poncy brother" tried to take a drink out of the old watering can in the garden, and his tongue stuck to it - most unfortunate. Oh how I laughed. I was not slow to take advantage, popped round behind him and nipped his tail - I hate him!
Well, today I thought I would tell you about something I heard recently. "The one I don't trust" was talking to "the pretty one" and he said, "do you know cats can't count." What on earth is he on about I thought, where does he get such rubbish? Me, Tabby and Ginger Tail, looked at him in astonishment - yes, all four of us, Ho.. Ho.. Ho... just my little joke. Apparently he had read it in a book. I can count a lot better than he can, after all he has only got five digits on each hand, whereas I have six on each paw, a mark of my good breeding you understand. My father, elder brother and cousin also had six toes - what do you mean they were probably one and the same cat! How rude - my mother, my auntie and my grandma would be most deeply offended - both of them! Who says we can't count.

Being naturally inquisitive, I felt it beholden upon me to find out for you just how they came up with this daft idea, so I did a bit of research. Now, pay attention, you might learn something. When mummy cat has kittens, she hides them under a bush or somewhere similar, to keep them safe from dogs and other such undesirables. After a few days, she moves them to keep the dogs guessing, I expect. One at a time, she grabs hold of them by the scruff of the neck and carries them to their new abode. In our litter, there was me, Tabby, Ginger Tail, Spotty and Little Torty - yes that's right, seven of us. Naturally I was moved first, being the most important, although Tabby reckons it was because being the heaviest, mum wanted to get the hard work out of the way first! Damn cheek! Anyway after she has been back for the last one, she returns once more. Based on this fleeting observation, they have concluded that mum can't count and just keeps going back until there are no kittens left. What they don't realise is that the only reason mum goes back is to see if anyone has left any food out for her.The quality of the research is pitiful. It brings into question all the other clever things they claim to have discovered. Personally, I have always had doubts about the world being round, I mean we'd all roll off wouldn't we, and how on earth they got to the moon is any one's guess, perhaps they didn't! What about this global warming lark - could have done with a bit of that earlier when Tabby's tongue got stuck to the watering can. They should leave the clever stuff to the cats, and just concentrate on what they do best - looking after us.

Well that's your lot for today. An appropriate note upon which to finish is a little story my Great Uncle Porky used to tell me when I was a kitten. Not many people know this, but when they first started sending rockets into space, they put dogs inside to see what would happen to them - I ask you, a dog! Anyway, eventually they sent a man into space, and he was accompanied by a cat. When they got into orbit, there were two envelopes labelled "instructions". The first one was for the cat and it read - "plot course, check systems, monitor fuel load, undertake experiments, carry out space walk, fire engines to return to earth, adjust boosters for re-entry, deploy parachutes, etc....." The second one was for the human, and it read "feed the cat!". What a Life! AlbertThe(numerate)Cat.

An Early Breakfast....

Hello again. Been a funny old day so far. I woke up early this morning, it was still dark - no idea why. No, not dark you silly people, waking up early I mean. I know why it gets dark. The big pussy cat in the sky turns the lights out so we can all get to sleep. The big round orange thing disappears, and is replaced with a much dimmer pale yellow thing - for those of you that are not very well educated, the technical name for this is the moon! Presumably it is meant to give just enough light to allow us to find our food bowls during the night. Not sure why it is needed, after all, us cats are supposed to see in the dark. I don't know if I buy in to it though because I keep bumping in to things, especially after a bit of catnip and a few drinks from the drain.

"Pussy cats" - now there's a funny term - why do humans call us "pussy cats"? I asked wise Old Black Tom from down the road once, and quick as a flash he knew the answer. He is the fount of all knowledge. He reckons that humans have scientific Latin names for all the animals, and ours is Pussus cattus would you believe. I asked Old Black Tom what you call dogs, "mangy mutts" he replied. Not very scientific I thought, but appropriate none the less.
I'm rambling a bit here. Let's take a step back. When I surfaced, the "housekeeping staff" were nowhere to be seen - still asleep they were. "What about Bert's breakfast?" I here you cry. An extremely good point. Despite jumping up and down on the bed I failed to raise them. I noticed a glass very precariously balanced on the bedside table, so with great skill, I flicked it off with my tail. This nearly worked, as "the one I don't trust" sat bolt upright. I'm sure he thought I should go back to sleep, because he tossed me a pillow - a very kind thought but his aim was awry - it very nearly hit me. What next I thought. His foot was sticking out the bottom of the bed, so I gave him a quick nip on the toe. This did the trick, although he did initially suggest I might like to go for walk before breakfast - "get to (didn't quite catch the next word) out of here!" he said rather loudly. I declined his very kind offer and he eventually stumbled down the stairs and served breakfast before going back to bed. Very lazy of him I thought, after all it was nearly light.Before I go today, I thought I would show you a couple of pictures of my extended family. The first is of Great Uncle Porky. You can see him on baby, or should that be kitty sitting duty with my "stupid sister" when she was little. Even then she was a nuisance. Whatever it was she had done, you can see Uncle Porky telling her not to do it again! The other one is of Uncle Spotty - a most proud cat. He never forgot his roots - he was a dump cat through and through. Even after finding himself decent accommodation, he still preferred to sleep in a cardboard box - old habits die hard.

Well that's your lot for today. The trouble with an early breakfast is that it is an awful long time until lunch. Regrettably I may have to take a lesson out of "my poncy brother's" book and go and ingratiate my self with "the pretty one". I might let her stroke me - she's a sucker for this, and with a bit of purring chucked in for good measure, it should be worth a few prawns before lunch. People don't realise how hard it is for us "larger" cats. We have to eat an awful lot to keep our strength up. It is very tiring. Time for a nap soon. What a life! AlbertThe(very hungry)Cat.

Where Are They Now ????

Hello again. Got up a bit late this morning and missed breakfast. Very remiss of me - it happened once before, 4th March 2006 - I'll never forget the date. So, today's objective is to scrounge an extra meal somewhere along the way to make up for it. I will have to use all my natural charm and powers of persuasion. I might even have to let "the pretty one" stroke me - she likes doing that. She gets plenty of practice, what with my "poncy brother" trying to suck up to her all the time. It is nauseating to watch.

Instead of the usual offering, today I need to ask for the help of all you other cats out there, maybe even dogs - I'm still thinking about that. You will recall a couple of weeks ago I told you that originally there were five of us in the litter (click here). You already know about three of us - me, the pick of the litter, Tabby, "my poncy brother" and Ginger tail, my "stupid sister". What happened to the other two I hear you ask. A very good question. Well, I had another brother called Spotty, should really have been called stroppy - my word he was a nasty piece of work, and another sister called Little Tortoiseshell, a most charming cat.

When we were about four months old, they disappeared - never to be seen again. One Sunday morning we were busy chasing a ping pong ball around and pulling threads from the furniture when most abruptly, "the one I don't trust" shushed three of us into the garden. I looked in the window and saw Spotty and Little Tortoiseshell being put in a box. Spotty took great exception to this, but at least he managed to draw blood - a mere flesh wound unfortunately. "The one I don't trust" was soon bandaged up.

I think they may have been taken to a new home, because when they returned, I heard "the pretty one" say, "fancy Spotty doing that on the carpet. Do you think he will ever come out from under the fridge?" To which my answer would have been "probably not". He could still be there now for all we know. I don't think it is coincidence that we all moved house a few days later - I think the "housekeeping staff" were worried that he would find his way back!

I don't see why they had to give the two other kittens away really. Why couldn't they look after all five of us - I mean we're not much trouble are we? I suppose I can see why they unloaded Spotty. If truth be known, I was not too disappointed to see the back of him. They should definitely have kept Little Tortoiseshell though, instead of Ginger Tail, the runt of the litter. She certainly wouldn't have played nasty tricks on me.

So, the big question is where are they now?? I need your help to track them down. I am putting out an APB (All Pussies Bulletin), and am prepared to offer a small reward. For information on the whereabouts of Little Tortoiseshell and her safe return, I will give six prawns, yes six! For information on Spotty, I will give three prawns, however if the current owners decide to send him back, then you owe me a dozen prawns! I can't say fairer than that. Don't forget to look under the fridge!

I am waiting for your call - you can get me through the good offices of Twitter @AlbertTheCat.

Well that's the lot for today. I look forward to hearing from you. I'm off to work on my breakfast substitute. What a Life! AlbertTheCat.