Democracy Rears it's Ugly Head!

Hello everyone. I trust you are all well. Today is a very important day apparently. I'm led to believe there is a General Election. Why on earth we need more generals is a complete mystery to me. The army is stuffed with them. "It's got nothing to do with generals" said Tabby in a somewhat condescending manner. "They're electing a new government" he said. "Why? what have they done with the old one" I asked. "Nothing, every five years they elect a new one" said Tabby. "It's a waste of time talking to him" said Ginger Tail, "he's a complete idiot." "That's a bit unfair" said Tabby, "he's not a complete idiot - there are bits missing!" Oh how they laughed! I'm really fed up with those two, I wish they'd clear off.Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, there is a general election today. I wonder where I have to go to vote? I think I'll ask wise Old Black Tom. I found him in his usual place on the back wall contemplating the meaning of life, all nine of them. He is the fount of all knowledge, and knows absolutely everything. "Where do I have to go and vote" I asked. "No idea" he replied, "I don't take much interest in such things, it's only for the staff after all." I was outraged - "what, us cats don't get a vote - but we run the place!" I replied. "I know" said Old Tom, "but they think they do. It's best to let them carry on under the illusion that they are in charge. Don't want to rock the boat do we." Rocking boats, what have they got to do with it, perhaps the navy is involved as well.

Old Tom told me a bit about how it all worked - very interesting stuff. Apparently they wander off to a little place down the road, where they put a "X" on a piece of paper next to someones name. When it's all over they add all the "X's" up, and whoever has the most wins and then pretends to run the country. When we wake up tomorrow, everything is back to normal with us cats in charge. Simple really. Did you know, it is only in recent times, the last few years probably, that women have been able to vote. Now if I've remembered this right, it was all brought about by a lady called Emily Pancake and some courgettes. All sounds a bit far fetched to me, but I didn't like to show my ignorance. "That'll make a change" - who said that? How rude! I presume she threw the said vegetables at the men until they got fed up with her and let her vote.

We've got some courgettes growing in the garden, I wonder if I could do the same and get cats the vote. I mean, who better - do you remember my landslide victory in the local elections last year. I could lead a popular campaign to get votes for cats. It would be a massive uprising, and I would ride a tidal wave of feline support all the way to Downing Street. Alternatively, I could go back home for a spot of lunch and a nice nap. What a big decision - I'm feeling a bit tired, so I think I'll go for the nap after all.Well, that's my lot for today. I hope you have all learnt something. When I got back, my poncy brother and my stupid sister were still loafing about. I told them all about the pancake lady. "See, I told you he's stupid" said Ginger Tail, "everyone thinks so." Tabby stuck up for me though - he said that everyone can't think I'm stupid, because I haven't met everyone yet. So, that was nice of him - I think. What a Life! AlbertThe(campaigning)Cat.

Don't Bury Your Head in the Sand!

Good day to you all. I'm still basking in the afterglow of last weeks epic victory. The celebrations went on all weekend. Tabby and Ginger Tail are still grizzling about the result, but I think following their little chat with Mad Harry and Slasher Sid, we will not be hearing too much from them for the time being.

Anyway, a new week and we must move on. As you know, I am a very keen ornithologist. Well, I saw a real strange site this morning. About four gardens along from us, they have hung some bird feeders out in the big tree - all full of nuts and things they are. I decided to investigate, so I hid behind a bush, and you'll never believe what I saw. About six or seven great big green things arrived and started stuffing all the food. "What on earth are they?" I thought. I was plucking up courage to pounce but thought better of it - I mean they had nasty red beaks that looked capable of delivering a painful peck! They had long tails and a red and black collar, and my word did they make a dreadful row.
Only one thing for it I thought - I must go to see wise Old Black Tom. As well as being a Returning Officer beyond reproach, he is also the fount of all knowledge in these parts. "Ring necked parakeets, my boy, ring necked parakeets" he said in a knowing voice. I guess they get their name because of the terrible squawking noise which makes you want to wring their necks! Old Black Tom tells me that they originally lived in hotter climes, but decided to move over here to England after we invented global warming. We've made such a good job of heating things up he tells me, that they can now survive the winter. What a wonderful thing this global warming is I thought - must have been invented by cats - far too clever for humans.

Old Black Tom did utter a word of caution though - if things carry on like this he said, all manner of other things might start moving in soon - he reckons something called an ostrich will be next, and do you know what, they are over eight foot tall. We will need to be a bit wary of these things he warned - not to be messed with. I can see what he means, after all, wouldn't they look daft perched on the telegraph wires and you wouldn't want to look up when one flew over would you - doesn't bear thinking about - and what about the size of birdtable. Apparently they have another strange habit - when they get worried they bury their heads in the sand! Personally I dive under the bed, but I suppose they are a bit too big for that.

I thought if all these other things start coming over here, we'll soon be full up. What will we do then? Perhaps we should start shipping things out to make room? Old Black Tom thought this was a very sound suggestion, and said the first thing he would unload were the dogs, as they serve no useful purpose. Seems a pretty good swap to me. I don't think an ostrich would be any more trouble than the snappy little Jack Russell that lives next door. I'd like to see the owner taking it for walkies though.

Well that's my lot for today. I will have to give this global warming lark a bit more thought. Not now though, it's all very taxing, and I think I need a nap. I had a bit of a scrape around in the muddy flowerbed before I went in, and as I walked across the kitchen floor, I heard "the one I don't trust" comment on the mess - I think he was referring to my carbon footprint, or should that be pawprint? Oh how I laughed! What a life! AlbertThe(environmentally sound)Cat.

Official – "It’s a Landslide…………………"

What a day – I’m glad you could join me. You’re just in time, we are going live to the count, where they are just about to make the declaration………

Old Black Tom has just come out on to the shed roof – “Quiet please, QUIET!!! By the powers invested in me by Bert, I Old Black Tom, the Returning Officer for the said constituency do solemnly swear that the votes cast for each candidate in the election were as follows:-

• Ginger Tail – Stupid Sister Party - 6 votes
• Tabby – Poncy Brother Party - 6 votes
• Albert – Prawns For All Party - 56,000 votes
  

There was one spoiled and defaced ballot paper which cast aspersions on Bert’s parentage and insinuated that he might like to go on a long journey. It was thus disqualified. I therefore duly declare that Albert is elected as “the most cute and adorable cat” in the said constituency. I will now invite the candidates to say a few words. Ginger Tail, please step forward."Ginger Tail - “Thank you Old Black Tom - I would like to thank my election team and my supporters for a superb campaign. We will return to fight another day. I would like to say congratulations to Bert, but unfortunately I can’t. The whole election from start to finish was a complete sham…... Help!…… Let go of me!...... Put me down!…... Aaaghhhhhh!….."

Old Black Tom - “Well Ginger Tail, thank you for that, and also thank you to my two “deputy returning officers”, Mad Harry and Slasher Sid for assisting you from the stage. Now Tabby, have you anything to say?”Tabby - “I most certainly have. However, my enthusiasm has suddenly waned. All I have to say is…. I demand a recount - Fix….. Fix…...Fix….. Fix….. Sorry, but I have to leave now!"

Old Black Tom - “Thank you Tabby, and may I say how impressed I was at the speed you left the shed roof. Mad Harry and Slasher Sid didn’t even have the chance to shake you warmly by the throat, sorry, paw I meant. However, I’m sure they will catch up with you later. I now call upon Albert to make his acceptance speech”Albert The Cat - “Thank you, thank you…… settle down please…… First of all, I would like to thank the returning officer, Old Black Tom, for the fair and scrupulous way in which he has discharged his duties, not forgetting the most efficient way his two deputies have also discharged theirs. Totally beyond reproach. If they would like to pop round the back of the shed afterwards, then they will receive my undying gratitude and a rather large portion of prawns. Next, I must mention my two opponents who fought honourable, but futile campaigns. For the record, it must be noted that both candidates forfeit their deposits due to their pitiful share of the vote. Even the ones they got were dubious, and could quite easily have been discounted on the grounds of hanging chards - whatever they may be. The last minute surge of two votes for Tabby was particularly dubious. However, I am feeling magnanimous, so we won’t quibble. Suffice is to say that Harry and Sid will be calling on them in the very near future to square the accounts, so to speak.My fellow cats – Ginger Tail is defeated, so is Tabby. Today I settled all family business so don't tell me that I’m not the cutest and most adorable cat. Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring a swift visit from Harry and Sid. And where there is despair, may we bring prawns.

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that our back garden is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of prawns for all is alive in our time ... who still questions the power of Old Black Tom and his henchman, tonight is your answer.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, prawns for all has become a reality”.Well how about that. What more can I say. How lucky you must feel to be witness at one of the great moments in feline history. I’m off to celebrate. The party will go on until the early hours – we’ll be drinking from the puddles and passing the cat nip (I never inhale of course!). I will be taking a well deserved rest over the weekend. Look forward to seeing you all again on Monday. What a Life! AlbertThe(victorious)Cat.

Take Time to Smell the Roses........

Just a quick post today. I am very busy. Voting closes this evening, and I have to ensure all my supporters have turned out. Not only that, but I have to finish off my victory speech for when the results are announced tomorrow - it is coming along really well, you certainly won't want to miss it. The final campaign rally went down a storm last night. There was a massive turn out of Old Black Tom, Quasimodo, a couple of mangy strays and next doors snappy little Jack Russell.

I decided to take the morning off from campaigning, especially when I saw the sun shining. After a pleasant breakfast of prawns and biscuits, I had just settled down for a nice nap on the shed roof, when lo and behold, "the one I don't trust" decided to do a bit of gardening, "a last tidy up of the year" I heard him say. I really could have done without it to be honest, but I thought I ought to keep an eye on things - supervise if you like, after all I know a bit about horticulture. Nothing like a good dig is there! He raked all the leaves up, chopped out some dead growth, and weeded the flower beds. Very good of him - it should make it a little easier for me to get to the young saplings for a spot of scratching.
Now comes the interesting bit - he had these six great big bags of the most foul, pungent stuff you could imagine. Not sure what it is, but it smells like the stuff pigs would be happy in, if you get my drift! "What's that awful pong" said Ginger Tail as she walked past with Tabby - "it reminds me of Bert's speech last night" said "my poncy brother". What can he have meant by that? Strong and powerful I expect. Anyway, "the one I don't trust" started spreading it all over the place, under the roses, digging it into the borders, the vegetable patch, and then would you believe he goes and puts some on his rhubarb - "why can't he have custard like everyone else" I thought - Oh how I laughed. Must write that one down, I might be able to use it in my victory speech!

There is a serious point here - it will soon be time for me to have a roll before lunch - no not ham roll, a roll and dig in the flower bed I mean. I have a very bad feeling that if I should go for a clean-up on the duvet afterwards, there may very well be severe consequences for him. Someone is likely to catch it in the neck from "the pretty one". Clearly he hasn't thought this through at all. Anyway, I have far more important things to worry about - it's his problem.

Well that's my lot for today. It's all I've got time for. Off to do a bit of last minute campaigning before the polls close. Don't forget, there is still time for you to vote for me. I hope to see you all again tomorrow to celebrate my pending victory. Once more for the last time - Yes we can..., Yes we can..., Yes we can..... What a Life! AlbertThe(horticultural)Cat.

"Ask Not What Bert Can Do For You........."

Only one more day of voting left, and things are looking very good indeed. By all accounts I have a substantial lead. I think the new campaign slogan that I announced yesterday has made all the difference. We just need to guard against complacency and a last minute surge in the polls for either of the rival candidates - "my stupid sister" and "my poncy brother". So if you still haven't voted, then there is still time - just go to the ballot box in the top right hand corner and place your click next to Albert - yes you can! yes you can!I am planning to hold my final campaign rally on top of next doors shed this evening. Come early to avoid disappointment, as space along the back wall is limited. Latecomers will have to sit in next doors garden where that nasty spiteful little Jack Russell lives. I shall be making a keynote speech outlining the main thrust of my manifesto. - "prawns for all"

"And so, my fellow cats: ask not what Bert can do for you - ask what you can do for Bert".

"Never in the field of feline conflict was so much owed by so many to Bert"

"I have a dream today - prawns for all".

These are just little tasters of the great oratory you can expect at tonight's rally. Tickets are available on the gate at the very reasonable price of just four prawns each.
After the rally, I shall undertake a whistle stop tour to the outer reaches of the constituency - from the big tall fence at one end to the row of trees at the other. This should be clear to all you other cats, as I have only recently re-marked the boundaries of my territory - if you know what I mean!!Well that's your lot for today - I know it seems a little presumptuous, but I have to go and work on my victory address, and what a belter it is. Unfortunately you will have to wait until Friday after the votes have been counted and Old Black Tom has announced the results. Don't forget you still have time to vote - yes you can! yes you can! What a life! AlbertThe(crusading)Cat.

Yes We Can!.....

What a fine morning - the sun is shining, perfect day for electioneering. I would have been out on the campaign trail earlier but after breakfast I decided to have a quick nap in the Autumn sunshine on top of the shed. As expected, things are looking good. Early indications from exit polls are very encouraging. However, we must not take anything for granted. The polls do not close for another three days. So if you haven't voted for me yet, there is still plenty of time. Just go to the ballot form in the top right hand corner and click next to my name. Remember "votes mean prawns" - another of my witty campaign slogans.

Now, it has come to my attention, that malicious rumours casting aspersions on my integrity are circulating. These are almost certainly being spread by my opponents - "my poncy brother", whose deceit and cunning knows no bounds, and "my stupid sister" who will stop at nothing to get her own way. The main thrust of the discontent seems to be that I am acting as the sole adjudicator. To nip this in the bud, and especially now that early indications are favourable, I have decided to appoint an independent observer to oversee proceedings, and also to act as returning officer. Who better for this role, than Wise Old Black Tom from down the road.

I went to see him bearing a small gift - half a dozen prawns. He very kindly agreed to help out, but said that he could not accept the gift as it may be misconstrued, and it could compromise him. What a fine upstanding cat - an example to us all. He even offered to look after the prawns for me while I went and did some canvassing. When I returned to collect them, you'll never guess what had happened - he had been mugged, and the prawns stolen. "I tried to fight them off" he said as he licked his lips and cleaned his whiskers! What is this world coming to?

As you can see, I've been busy working on an exclusive range of high quality campaign merchandise, featuring another new slogan - "Yes We Can!" - what do you mean you've heard it before - surely not? Someone must have stolen it from me - I have the copyright. Just let me know who else has claims, and they will hear from my lawyers. You wait until you see the T-shirts!

Well that's my lot for today. I've got far more important things to do than sit here and ramble away to you. I have to get back out on the stump. There are babies, or should that be kittens, to be kissed, speeches to be made, paws to be greased, sorry I meant shook, all in the name of democracy. Every vote counts, and don't forget, there could be a prawn in it for you. I am relying on all my supporters to turn out and vote - all together now - "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. What a Life! AlbertThe(candidate for change)Cat.

On the Stump - Vote for Bert....

Good morning again. I had a very pleasant and restful weekend. Plenty of naps, a bit of scratching, chased “my stupid sister” round the garden, and nearly caught a bird. How come they can fly and we can’t – most unfair! Prawns were in plentiful supply, so much so, that I was in a very benevolent mood and gave “the housekeeping staff” time off. They were ever so grateful.

Now, that we have got the pleasantries out of the way let us get down to business. A brand new week, and what a big week it is. There is a very important matter that needs resolving once and for all, and as you would expect I have come up with the perfect solution. Something that started as a minor irritation, but has grown into an almighty itch – no I am not talking about the unfortunate flea problem of a couple of weeks ago. As you know, I like to illuminate these dry old postings with a few pictures. Well, every time I put up a picture of my “stupid sister”, I get lots of comments and tweets saying how cute and adorable she is. Even “my poncy brother” has his admirers. Well let me tell you this – it makes me sick!! What more have I got to do – there is only one cute and adorable cat round here and that is me!

So, what we are going to do is to have an election – it is compulsory for you to vote. Up in the top right hand corner, you will see your ballot form. All you have to do is to tick the box that says Albert. Now to ensure that the poll is carried out in a fair and impartial manner, I will be the sole adjudicator. I have given Ginger Tail and Tabby a chance to publish a short election address, a pack of lies if you ask me, but you must decide whether you are gullible enough to believe them – don’t let me influence you.

Ginger Tail – Election address

Hello – I am Bert’s cute little sister. Everyone who sees me says I am adorable. I have a pretty ginger tail with black and ginger patches on my head. My interests are charity work, helping other cats less fortunate than myself, travel, and mice. I am by far and away the best looking cat in this household – vote for me, pretty please, vote for me. Lots of love Ginger Tail xxx



Tabby – Election address

I am Tabby, Bert’s good looking brother. As you can see, I am a long haired tabby cat with a pure white front. “The pretty one” thinks I am the nicest cat and she fully endorses my candidacy. She is always telling me I am cute, and it is quite clear that I am her favourite. I sit on her lap when ever I can, and she never stops stroking me. My main interest is sucking up to "the housekeeping staff" in order to get extra prawns. Vote for me and I will let you stroke me. Tabby.


AlbertTheCat – Election address

Far be it from me to indulge in negative campaigning, but have you read the tosh above. Dreadful isn’t it. Ginger Tail was the runt of the litter I’ll have you know, and as for “my poncy brother” – he’s just a common or garden tabby with an inflated opinion of himself. What can I say about myself that you don’t already know. I have the outstanding features of the pedigree ferrel cat, the sleek figure, the finely honed physique and a cute little black chin to go with it. My good looks and intellect are only matched by my modesty. I rest my case. Do your duty - vote for Albert – there could be a prawn in it for you. Vote Albert - you know it makes sense! Pretty good slogan don't you think?

All you have to do is to cast your vote. The polls will close at midnight on Thursday, and I will announce my landslide victory, whoops sorry, the result on Friday.

Well that’s the lot for today. I’m off to do a bit of campaigning round the local neighbourhood. Must remember to take a few prawns with me. What a life! AlbertThe(right choice)Cat.