Official – "It’s a Landslide…………………"

What a day – I’m glad you could join me. You’re just in time, we are going live to the count, where they are just about to make the declaration………

Old Black Tom has just come out on to the shed roof – “Quiet please, QUIET!!! By the powers invested in me by Bert, I Old Black Tom, the Returning Officer for the said constituency do solemnly swear that the votes cast for each candidate in the election were as follows:-

• Ginger Tail – Stupid Sister Party - 6 votes
• Tabby – Poncy Brother Party - 6 votes
• Albert – Prawns For All Party - 56,000 votes
  

There was one spoiled and defaced ballot paper which cast aspersions on Bert’s parentage and insinuated that he might like to go on a long journey. It was thus disqualified. I therefore duly declare that Albert is elected as “the most cute and adorable cat” in the said constituency. I will now invite the candidates to say a few words. Ginger Tail, please step forward."Ginger Tail - “Thank you Old Black Tom - I would like to thank my election team and my supporters for a superb campaign. We will return to fight another day. I would like to say congratulations to Bert, but unfortunately I can’t. The whole election from start to finish was a complete sham…... Help!…… Let go of me!...... Put me down!…... Aaaghhhhhh!….."

Old Black Tom - “Well Ginger Tail, thank you for that, and also thank you to my two “deputy returning officers”, Mad Harry and Slasher Sid for assisting you from the stage. Now Tabby, have you anything to say?”Tabby - “I most certainly have. However, my enthusiasm has suddenly waned. All I have to say is…. I demand a recount - Fix….. Fix…...Fix….. Fix….. Sorry, but I have to leave now!"

Old Black Tom - “Thank you Tabby, and may I say how impressed I was at the speed you left the shed roof. Mad Harry and Slasher Sid didn’t even have the chance to shake you warmly by the throat, sorry, paw I meant. However, I’m sure they will catch up with you later. I now call upon Albert to make his acceptance speech”Albert The Cat - “Thank you, thank you…… settle down please…… First of all, I would like to thank the returning officer, Old Black Tom, for the fair and scrupulous way in which he has discharged his duties, not forgetting the most efficient way his two deputies have also discharged theirs. Totally beyond reproach. If they would like to pop round the back of the shed afterwards, then they will receive my undying gratitude and a rather large portion of prawns. Next, I must mention my two opponents who fought honourable, but futile campaigns. For the record, it must be noted that both candidates forfeit their deposits due to their pitiful share of the vote. Even the ones they got were dubious, and could quite easily have been discounted on the grounds of hanging chards - whatever they may be. The last minute surge of two votes for Tabby was particularly dubious. However, I am feeling magnanimous, so we won’t quibble. Suffice is to say that Harry and Sid will be calling on them in the very near future to square the accounts, so to speak.My fellow cats – Ginger Tail is defeated, so is Tabby. Today I settled all family business so don't tell me that I’m not the cutest and most adorable cat. Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring a swift visit from Harry and Sid. And where there is despair, may we bring prawns.

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that our back garden is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of prawns for all is alive in our time ... who still questions the power of Old Black Tom and his henchman, tonight is your answer.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, prawns for all has become a reality”.Well how about that. What more can I say. How lucky you must feel to be witness at one of the great moments in feline history. I’m off to celebrate. The party will go on until the early hours – we’ll be drinking from the puddles and passing the cat nip (I never inhale of course!). I will be taking a well deserved rest over the weekend. Look forward to seeing you all again on Monday. What a Life! AlbertThe(victorious)Cat.