Monday, 28 June 2010

Pond Life.........

Well, here we are again at the start of a new week. I've had a very interesting few days, since I was with you last. As you know, I have been taking an interest in the World Cup. I was most disappointed when my team, the indomitable lions of Cameroon were eliminated on a mere technicality - they scored less goals than the opposition. I wasn't sure who I should follow after that, so I went off to ask for advice from wise Old Black Tom - he is a very clever cat and knows everything. "Who's going to win the world Cup" I asked. "No idea" he said. I explained my predicament about who to support. Old Black Tom thoughtfully sucked on a tooth and told me that in Korea, they are very partial to cats. That's nice I thought I will follow them, they are bound to win. Would you believe it, they only went and lost as well.The blow was softened by yesterday's shenanigans. That's a good word for a cat isn't it. No idea what it means but I must make a note to use it more often. England were playing, and I snuggled up on the sofa to watch it alongside the one I don't trust. He was very bullish, "England are bound to win - we're only playing Germany" he said with blind optimism. Mind you, I think he had partaken of a small light ale beforehand. Anyway, the inevitable happened - they lost. I must say though, he took it like the true sportsman he is - cursing, swearing, shouting at the television and making crass references to the last war. I haven't laughed so much since Tabby got himself locked in the broom cupboard. The pretty one stuck her oar in - "I think England should have kicked it between the two white sticks like the Germans kept doing" she helpfully advised. It's hard to argue with such logic, but that didn't stop him. I took this as my cue to go for a stroll.

I found Old Black Tom and Riley, snoozing on the back wall in the sun. "Splendid day old boy" said Riley. "Certainly is" I replied and told them about the goings on at our place. We all had a little chuckle. I mentioned Korea to Old Black Tom, and he gave me one of his looks, so I changed the subject. "What's that noise coming from a few gardens along" I asked. "No idea" said Tom, "you and Riley go take a look and report back." When we returned, we told Tom that there were two scruffy chaps with shovels. "What are they doing" asked Tom. "Digging a big hole"I replied. "A big hole eh? Perhaps I should look into it" said Tom, as he and Riley fell about laughing. No idea why! Anyway we took Tom and showed him what was going on. Tom looked long and hard, and then said. "They're building a pond." See, I told you he was clever, how did he know that. "I think the hose pipe filling it with water is a bit of a giveaway" said Riley. "I expect they're going to put little fishes in it" said Tom. "Fishes!" I said excitedly, and was just about to rush off and get my knife and fork, but Tom reckoned it would be a few days yet before the fish arrived. All this talk of fish made me hungry, so I bade Tom and Riley farewell and wandered home to see if I could scrounge a few prawns.Well, that's your lot for today. It's baking here, and I need a nice lie down in the shade. You can't be too careful in the sun. As I dozed off, I started to ponder the wonders of the universe - men have been to the moon, why not the sun?. I remembered asking Old Black Tom about this once - he reckoned it was far too hot. They should go at night then I thought. Tom also told me that you can tell the time by looking at the sun - I've tried it, but it was too bright, I couldn't see the numbers or the hands! What a life! AlbertThe(piscatorial)Cat.

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

A Bird in the Hand...........

What a day this is! I've eventually managed to catch one. "What? An unpleasant dose of fleas!" Who said that? How rude! How very rude! No not fleas, after years of trying I caught a bird this morning. How about that then, I actually caught a bird? I knew you would be impressed. It was huge, with vicious sharp talons and a massive hooked beak. It put up fierce resistance, but in the end it was no match for a cat with my highly honed hunting skills. I reckon it was an eagle! "An eagle! It was a geriatric sparrow, you should be ashamed of yourself. I would have thrown it back." What, who said that? It's my poncy brother - he is always sticking his nose where it's not wanted. I wish he would clear off.Now' let me tell you how this stirring event occurred. I was prowling amongst undergrowth at the bottom of the garden, when the mighty bird alighted on the grass. Without making a sound, I crept round behind the shed and took up position in amongst the cauliflower plants. Using all my feline grace and cunning, I edged closer. The bird saw me, and for what seemed like an eternity we looked at each other - it was transfixed by my unrelenting stare. I pounced, and a ferocious battle ensued - there could only be one winner. No, not the damn bird, me of course! You lot have no faith in me at all! Anyway, we digress, the end came mercifully quickly for the bird, and I stood triumphant over the great carcass! How about that then!"Ha ha ha ha ha....... ha ha ha ha........ha ha ha...... I've never heard such a cock and bull story." Oh no, it's that Tabby again, I thought he had gone. "I watched the whole sorry episode through the back door - it was pitiful" said Tabby, "you were asleep on the wall, when this poor little sparrow fell off a twig and landed next to you. I've never seen a cat jump so high. You were hiding behind that bush for ages before you came out. I reckon the thing died of old age." What an outrageous slander! Don't go away, I am just going to chase that poncy brother of mine off ................................ He was a bit too quick for me, but I don't think he will bother us any more today. The things I have to put up with. I'm exhausted, it's asking too much for me too catch him and a bird in the same day.

I need a well earned rest. Think I'll go and stretch out in front of the telly with the one I don't trust and watch the World Cup. Did you see that our cat team, The Indomitable Lions, otherwise known as Cameroon got knocked out. Fix, I hear you all cry. A despicable conspiracy perpetrated by dogs I reckon. I'm still considering who will now benefit from my support. Here's a funny thing though, after two abject performances, the one I don't trust still thinks England will win. Well, I haven't laughed so much since Ginger Tail got her head stuck in the banisters. The pretty one thought it was funny too, and said he must have been drinking.Well, that's my lot for today. Talking of drinking, a word of warning, it can be very bad for you. My Great Uncle Porky told me a story about his distant cousin, Fast Eddie, who is to this day, still the only known cat to have died of drink. He was run over by a brewery truck! Just one of Uncle Porky's little jokes. He use to tell me lots of things when I was a kitten, some of which were true! What a Life! AlbertThe(hunting)Cat.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Happy Birthday - You Must be Joking!!!

Greetings one and all. Firstly, I must offer my thanks to the vast numbers of you who sent birthday wishes on the auspicious occasion of my fifth birthday earlier in the week. I know what you're thinking, "fifth birthday? we thought he told us he was four!" Well, here's a strange thing, I thought I was four! After much argument between Tabby, Ginger Tail and my good self, and after several recounts, we came to the conclusion that we were all five - doesn't time fly. This unfortunate confusion only lends credence to the malicious and totally unfounded rumours spread around by housekeeping staff that us cats can't count. You will undoubtedly remember my earlier missive on the subject - click here if you don't. Anyway, I agreed with Tabby and Ginger Tail that all four of us will close rank on this and not mention it again.

Back to my birthday - it was a bit of a damp squib really. The one I don't trust grudgingly offered up a few extra prawns which were gratefully received. Unfortunately my poncy brother and stupid sister both think it is their birthday as well, so I had to share with them - most unsatisfactory. After breakfast, I went for a stroll, thinking the local cats would have lots of presents for me. I bumped into Riley, when I say bumped, I don't mean literally. If you did have the misfortune to actually collide with Riley, you would do yourself serious damage - he's about the size of a London bus. "Morning old boy" said Riley, "what a splendid day." "It most certainly is" I replied, "and a very special one at that." "I know" said Riley, "it's Tabby and Ginger Tail's birthday isn't it, I expect you've got them a nice present."I was flabbergasted - my flabber has never been so gasted! "But it is my birthday" I said. "Ho Ho Ho," said Riley, "Tabby told me that you'd say that." "But it is" I said desperately. "Nice try Bert, but I'm not going to fall for it - it's a bit of a poor show to pull a trick like that, just to get your paws on your brother and sister's presents." I knew it, it's that duplicitous poncy brother of mine. I hate him - wait until I get my paws on him.

As I wandered off to look for Tabby, a voice called out "happy birthday Bert, many happy returns." I looked round, and there was wise Old Black Tom sitting on the back wall. That's a bit more like it I thought, and hopped up next to him. "I've got you some big fat prawns Bert, I hope you like them" he said. "Most acceptable, I'm deeply obliged. I expect they will be delicious" I replied, and sat there expectantly. After an uncomfortable silence, I said, "shall I take them then?" "What do you mean?" he replied, "I thought you would have eaten them by now." "I haven't even seen them" I quickly replied. "Of course you have" said Old Black Tom, "Ginger Tail was here a little while ago, and to save me a journey, she very kindly offered to take them for you. She is a very thoughtful little cat, she knows I can't get around as well as I use to, and said it would save me a journey. How kind."I couldn't believe it. I rushed home, to be greeted by Ginger Tail and Tabby sitting on the back step licking their lips. "We've just eaten a big pot of prawns that Old Black Tom gave us" said Ginger Tail. "But they weren't yours, they were meant for me" I said. "Well we knew you would want to share them with us" said Tabby, "so we made a start. We were going to leave a few for you, but they were so nice, before we knew it they had all gone." Can you believe it, stitched up by my own kith and kin!

Well, that's my lot for today. I'm off to annoy the nasty little Jack Russell that lives next door. It always makes me feel better when I am in a bad mood. Do you know, I heard his owner talking the other day. Apparently she had to take him to the vet because he kept scratching. The vet told her that the mutt had a touch of mange. She was outraged and demanded a second opinion. "OK" replied the vet, "he's got fleas as well!" Ho Ho Ho.... What a Life! AlbertThe(five year old)Cat.

Monday, 14 June 2010

Greetings from Bert, or Preferably for Bert!

Hello folks. I've been very busy recently hence the lack of blogs. "Don't listen to him, he's been loafing about doing nothing useful at all." Who said that? It's that poncy brother of mine, I thought he was asleep in the garden. Judging from the huge number of enquiries I've had, you must all have missed me. Your concern is most touching - many thanks to both of you! I don't know why I bother, really I don't.

Anyway, as a couple of weeks have elapsed since my last missive, I'm sure you are all desperate for my pearls of wisdom. Things are about the same round here. Nothing much has changed - prawns still in short supply. I was up bright and early this morning. "How can you say that and keep a straight face?" It's Tabby again. Bear with me a moment while I chase him off................. that's better, I don't think he will trouble us any more. Now, where was I? Oh yes, I like the mornings, especially when the weather is good, it's the best time of day. The rich cacophony of bird song interspersed with the gently rasping cough of the woman next door as she enjoys her first cigarette of the day - the dawn chorus in all it's splendour. The dew on the grass, the sweet fragrance of the flowers and the heady aroma of burnt toast as the one I don't trust gets breakfast ready. A new day has truly dawned.

Right, there are a couple of things I need to tell you about. Since last Friday, the one I don't trust, has taken up permanent residence on the settee, in my favourite spot actually. I was getting fed up with it, so I decided to investigate. Do you know what, he is watching football morning, day and night. It's the World Cup apparently! Now as you know, I am a rather accomplished player myself, I could have been a star - I expect you have already seen the video of me in my prime - if not, click here. Well, if you can't beat them, join them, that is what I say, so I've decided to join him on the settee to watch it as well. I particularly like watching the little ball on the screen, but for some reason he gets a bit agitated when I sit in front of it and try and pat it with my paw. You can look forward to my occasional observations and expert analysis of the proceedings.

On Saturday we watched England play - he got rather excited and was very happy until the goalkeeper did an impression of a blind man fending off an angry bee. You should have heard his language - most appalling. I should be in goal, I am very good at chasing balls. Did you know us cats have a team in it - Cameroon, otherwise known as the Indomitable Lions - I shall support them. We are bound to win.And now for the really important news - roll of drums, fanfare on trumpets..... it's my birthday tomorrow! Yes, I am four years old. "It's my birthday as well." What, who else has a birthday tomorrow? "I do," said Ginger Tail, "so does Tabby." "How does that work then" I said. "Well, we are all from the same litter - we were all born under the bush on the same day," replied Ginger Tail. How unfair I thought - I expect there will be extra prawns to celebrate this auspicious occasion - I don't want to have to share them with those other two. "How old are you then" I asked. "I'm four of course" said Ginger Tail, "and Tabby?" "Well, he's four as well" she said in a rather condesending way. What a remarkable coincidence I thought.

Well, that's my lot for today. I'm off to make sure all the other local cats know it is my birthday - I know they will want to mark the occasion with a small gift - king prawns are always acceptable. I will be celebrating tomorrow, but will be back later in the week. Did you know that birthdays are good for you. Wise Old Black Tom told me the other day, that the more birthdays you have, the longer you live. What a clever cat he is! What a Life! AlbertThe(expectant)Cat.