Bert's Christmas Message...

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

Quite right too - no self respecting mouse would wander around here. Well, here we are then, Christmas Eve. The big day has almost arrived. I have just sent "the housekeeping staff" out to get last minute provisions - prawns and cat biscuits I expect. I hope they use their initiative and get me a special treat - half a side of fresh salmon would be quite acceptable. They have taken our esteemed visitors with them, so that they can buy me something. I'm looking forward to opening all my presents tomorrow.

Now it's at times like this, that we should count our blessings and remember those less well off than ourselves - dogs for instance. No, just my little joke, we don't give a damn about them. What I am really getting at is those cats whose staff have neglected them and gone away for the holiday period. These poor creatures will by now be banged up in catteries. I know from personal experience how awful this can be. A few years ago me, Tabby and Ginger Tail were dispatched unceremoniously to Camp Colditz for a whole week over Christmas, while the staff went off and enjoyed themselves. "Poor Bert" I hear you cry.

What a week that was - confined to our cell 24 hours a day, starvation rations, slopping out morning and night, and lights off at 8PM sharp. The picture below shows us just starting our sentence. So you cats out there who have been deserted, you have my sympathy. If I was you, I would spend the time plotting your revenge - shredding the furniture, hairballs on the carpet, dead mice under the bed - you know the sort of thing. All you poor imprisoned pussy cats - rest assured that while we are tucking in to our prawns and fresh salmon, and laying in front of a nice warm fire, we will be thinking of you if we remember.
Christmas is a time of peace and goodwill to all cats, except "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" of course. Christmas is a time for giving. Not just the nice presents that I hope you have all bought for me, but what I really mean is our favourite charities. Take for example the Cats Protection people - what magnificent work they do finding homes for stray cats. You should all search your consciouses and consider taking in a poor homeless moggy. I would myself, but obviously we are overcrowded here already. We had one of these charity people knock on our door the other day just after some of the Christmas decorations had mysteriously been pulled down - "I'm collecting for the local cats home" he said. The one that I don't trust replied tersely "I've got three you can have!". Wonder what he meant by that? Three bags of money I expect - he can be quite generous at times.

Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to get stuck in to the festivities. Before I go though I would like to thank my legions of readers, all five of you, for your support. I hope you all have a very Happy Christmas. I will return after the holiday. What a life! AlbertThe(philosophical)Cat.

Look at all my Presents!!!!

I've had a very busy day, so not had time to do a proper blog - I'm sure you understand!. Our esteemed visitors have arrived - "the pretty one's" mother and father. I decided to go against my natural instincts and be friendly towards them - I have even let the mother stroke me. She seemed to enjoy it. As Christmas is a time for giving presents I thought this might stand me in good stead - I wonder what she has got for me.

I've mounted guard on the Christmas tree after my dire warnings yesterday. Do you know what has happened? Lots of brightly coloured presents have appeared underneath it. Naturally I assumed they were all for me, but on closer inspection, some are for "the housekeeping staff" would you believe. Probably wrongly labelled.

Well that's my lot for today. I will be back tomorrow - if time permits, with my Christmas message. What is Santa going to bring me? What a life! AlbertThe(expectant)Cat.

Christmas - Bah Humbug!!!

Good morning one and all, well it might not be so good. Things were going well, I thought I had a fine new toy, but now I’m not so sure. Let’s take a step back to last Friday. Regular readers will know that a scruffy old pine tree appeared in the lounge. As I predicted, “the housekeeping staff” decorated it over the weekend. It is covered in all manner of shiny things, lights and dangly balls. When you give them a good clout with your paw, the whole thing shakes and the staff get very agitated. All good fun. There is even a strange little fellow dressed in red with a white beard sitting on top. I haven’t managed to knock him off yet. “My poncy brother” reckons he can climb up to get at him. I am encouraging him to have a go. Just to be on the safe side, I think I will make myself scarce when he makes his attempt.

NOW PAY ATTENTION all of you because this is very serious - I believe there is a major conspiracy afoot. The humans are planning to get rid of us cats. Surely not I hear you cry - but sadly it is true, and after all we've done for them! I heard the staff talking about ways to “cat-proof” the tree. This is all very worrying – there appear to be lots of hazards. I say again, all you cats out there need to pay attention here, it gets a bit scary. Apparently tinsel is very bad for us when we eat it – why on earth I would want to eat bits of silver paper I don't know – they must think I am as daft as they are. Now if they hung prawns all over the tree, then that would be a different matter all together. They have read somewhere that cats don’t like orange peel and that if they put it round the bottom of the tree, then the smell will repel us. Have you ever heard such rubbish in your life. I bet they never asked a cat for an opinion. If they really want to use smells to keep us away, they should ask Mad Harry and Slasher Sid. When they leave smells around, most cats who have any regard for their own safety steer well clear – if they know what’s good for them! They should bottle the stuff and sell it – they’ll make a fortune.
It gets worse - there are lights on the tree, and if we chew through the wires, we get frazzled! Many of the little toys on the tree are made of something called chocolate. Despite “the pretty one” being addicted to the stuff, it can be poisonous to us cats. The tree is in a little stand, with water in the bottom. We must not drink this water because nasty stuff comes out of the tree that makes us barf! In addition to the tree, they have also bought in prickly twigs covered in red berries called Holly, and apparently the berries are poisonous to cats. What are they up to? I can only come to one conclusion - they are out to get us.
As you now see, this Christmas lark is not all it is cracked up to be – I reckon it is a deliberate attempt to get rid of us – a major conspiracy in fact. What a good job I have rumbled their little plan. Spread the word - we need to be on our guard. Personally I plan to knock our tree over at the earliest opportunity. I think you should all do the same.

Well that’s my lot for today. I hope you cats have taken heed of my warnings. If you've still got nine lives left, then you may want to take a chance, but if like me you've been around a bit, so to speak, then you need to take great care out there! What a life! AlbertThe(not so festive)Cat.

Christmas Trees - Beware!

Hello folks - first of all I must apologise for not writing a blog today. I have been very busy. As we thought, the Christmas tree, or scratching post as I prefer to think of it, was decorated over the weekend and is now covered with lots of sparkly toys. What fun I've had. The "housekeeping staff" don't appear to share my joy but then I've always thought they were a miserable pair, especially "the one I don't trust". He gets really touchy every time I go near the thing - not that I care. However, I have just had a bit of a shock - I've overheard them talking and apparently Christmas trees can be very hazardous to us cats!!!! So, you will quite understand why I can't stay around here today chatting to you lot. I'm off to do some research. I will be back tomorrow with a full report on the situation. All you cats out there will need to read it! I'd hate you to lose any of your nine lives.Well that's it for today. You can see from the picture that I am spending some time thinking before knuckling down to my research. No point in rushing in to things. What a dangerous life! AlbertThe(playful)Cat.

Tis the Season to be Jolly............

Hello again. Last day of the week. You'll all be pleased to know that when I looked out into the garden this morning there was not a polar bear in sight. What a relief. Even though the snow seems to be disappearing - I still haven't worked out where it goes by the way, I don't think we should let our guard down just yet.

Strange things going on round here today, "the housekeeping staff" have started to bring the garden into the house! Fancy that. The scruffy old pine tree that he acquired a few days ago is now in the lounge. Whenever I bring bits of the garden indoors, mud, grass, etc.. I get shouted at, and now he brings a whole tree inside and nothing is said. I think it has a lot to do with this Christmas thing they keep going on about. Two big boxes have appeared from the loft, full of sparkly silver things, brightly coloured baubles and strings of flashing lights. Now if I'm not mistaken, at the weekend, they intend to hang all this stuff on the tree. Imagine, an indoor scratching post covered with lots of new toys. I can see endless hours of amusement ahead. Perhaps this Christmas lark won't be so bad after all. I'm getting quite excited.

As I'm not really sure what Christmas is all about, I went and spoke to Wise Old Black Tom, the fount of all knowledge. He told me that many years ago, a little baby boy called Santa was born in a stable. "Why was he born in a stable" I asked. "Because all the hotels were full up on account of it being Christmas" he said. What a clever cat, he knows everything. What happened next I hear you ask. Well, three blind mice, I think he said three blind mice, bearing gifts, followed a shining star, and it led them to the stable where the new born child was laying in a manger. I got a bit confused at this point, as its difficult to imagine blind mice following a star. Perhaps they had guide dogs. I wonder what presents they took with them - cheese I expect.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, this is the reason why we celebrate Christmas every year. Now anything that involves receiving presents can't be all bad. I wonder what "the housekeeping staff" will get me? A great big box of prawns I hope. I must be very difficult to buy for - I mean to say what do you get the cat who has got everything? I asked Old Black Tom whether I needed to get presents for "my stupid sister" or "my poncy brother". He said that cats don't usually give presents to other cats, but it was traditional in these parts to give a small token of appreciation to black cats, just for good luck you understand. "A few prawns are usually quite acceptable" he said. Now, I never realised that, and guess who is the only black cat I know - yes you're right, Old Black Tom. Isn't it a good job he told me.
Well that's the lot for today, and in fact for this week. Looks like it could be a busy weekend round here. Hopefully by the time we meet up again on Monday the indoor scratching post will be on display in all it's glory! I can't wait to get my Santa Claws into it - Ho Ho Ho!!! Don't forget now, keep your eyes open for polar bears. What a life! AlbertThe(Festive)Cat.

The Big Freeze, or The Cold Shoulder.....

Greetings one and all. Yesterday's snow has all gone - wonder where it went? However, I heard "the housekeeping staff" talking earlier, and apparently a load more is expected later, so we are not out of the wood yet. If you were thinking of sending food parcels, then I suggest you do so immediately.
Talking of a big freeze, "the one I don't trust" went out last night and came back quite late. I don't think "the pretty one" was all that impressed. These humans are very strange creatures, particularly the female ones. Take us cats for example. I mean we seem to get on very well with "the pretty one", and quite understandably she really likes us. In fact she adores us, especially me. We are clearly superior beings, we are very independent minded, we take very little notice of anything she says, we don't come in when she calls us (unless prawns are involved of course!), occasionally we may stay out all night with the other local cats, but when we do decide to come home, we quite naturally expect to eat before being left in peace to take a nap.

Now, compare this to the "the one I don't trust". He can be quite opinionated, and at times, I have noticed he completely ignores her instructions - only when she is not looking though. Sometimes, like last night he goes out with his friends, doesn't come back when he is expected, and when he does turn up all he wants to do is eat and go to sleep in front of the telly. When you think about it, there is not an awful lot of difference between the way us cats behave, and the way he carries on is there? Yet when we see fit to come in, we are greeted with cuddles and strokes, but when he eventually shows up, you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Most mysterious - I don't think I will ever fathom them out. Best that I don't try really. I must stop thinking of them as large cats capable of intelligent thought.
Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to keep a watch out for the snow. I wonder if the snappy little Jack Russell from next door can pull a sled - he's not much use for anything else. Another distressing thought has just struck me - what with the arrival of parakeets and ostriches due to global warming, what can we expect next after this sudden bout of global cooling - polar bears perhaps? Now that would be something - I bet they're a real handful. Think how many prawns it will take to fill one of those things up - there will be none left for me. What a life! AlbertThe(deeply troubled)Cat.

In the Bleak Mid-Winter......

Well what a turn up for the book. Only a couple of days ago we were discussing the merits of global warming and now, would you believe it, this morning it has started to snow. Must be a huge shock to those ring necked parakeets that have moved in. At least it should keep the ostriches at bay for a bit longer.

The big green thing outside the backdoor - garden to the uninitiated, is slowly turning white. If it carries on like this, then "my stupid sister" will be nearly invisible! All you will be able to see is two ears and a tail. I tell you what though, it is very cold on the paws. Perhaps I will put a pair of socks, no hang on two pairs of socks, on my Christmas list when I write to Santa. To make matters worse, "the pretty one" has got a a friend round for coffee. You know by now what I think of visitors - don't like them at all, so instead of being curled up in the warm, I have been stuck outside waiting for them to clear off.

Fortunately there is only a little bit of the stuff at the moment, but if we get much more the whole place could grind to a halt. Very worrying - what will happen if we get snowed in? I hope we have enough prawns and cat biscuits to keep us going. I suppose the Cats Protection people could ship in fresh supplies by helicopter - I am in regular contact through the good offices of twitter you know. I must start making contingency plans. Now, there is a small pond in one of the gardens just along the road. It is full of little fishes. Do you know, when I first saw them I was absolutely amazed - I had no idea fishes swam around in ponds did you? I thought they came in tins, just for us. So far I have been spectacularly unsuccessful in catching them. I have spent a lot of time trying, but the water is a bit too wet for my liking. What if the pond freezes over - bet it will give the little fellows a terrible headache when they come up for air!What else is there? The woman over the back wall use to be good for a few tit-bits, but she hasn't been speaking to me since I unearthed one of her prize shrubs. In fact she was most rude the last time I popped over to see her. No, I think in the short term the best bet is to be first in the food queue and try to snaffle some of Tabby and Ginger Tails grub as well as my own.

Well that's the lot for today. I'm going to stay in the warm and keep a very close eye on the food dish. If things get much worse, I will be expecting you all to send food parcels. They might even release a charity record for us - something by Cat Stevens perhaps? What a Life! AlbertThe(soon to be starving)Cat.

Christmas is Coming.....

Hello again. Guess what's happened round here today. "The housekeeping staff" went out this morning, just after prawns, and when they came back, they had a strange looking tree with them- a Norwegian fir apparently! It's out in the garden, leaning up against the shed at the moment. As you would expect, I've had a good look at it, and to be honest, I am quite underwhelmed. I mean it has been sawn off above the root, so I didn't hold out much hope for it. It smells of pine - reminds me of the disinfectant type pong indoors just after they find one of Tabby's hairballs.

I heard "the one I don't trust", saying something about it looking nice once it has been moved inside the house. This is all part of the Christmas ritual that is looming up on us. If nothing else, I reckon it will make a very useful indoor scratching post. Will come in handy when it is raining outside. I will keep an eye on this, and keep you posted over the next week or so. I don't know why, but it fills me with a strange sense of foreboding!

Talking of Christmas, I find it all rather unsettling. Last year, the staff went away, and me Tabby and Ginger Tail were sentenced to two weeks without remission in Stalag Colditz - a terrible place, run by the evil camp commandant. I will tell you all about this place on another day. However, as we are blessed with visitors this Christmas, I am assuming that we won't have to serve another stretch for the time being.
Christmas is a funny time of year - all common sense seems to go out of the window. When I was a lad, my great uncle Porky told me about something called pantomime. Now, you will have to pay attention here because it all gets very confusing! It's a bit like a play at the theatre, but with some subtle differences - one or more of the leading ladies is played by an ugly man who wears women's clothes and is called the dame, the leading young man is played by a woman wearing tights and is called the principal boy, and two men dress up as a horse. Are you still with me? All sounds a bit x-rated to me, but would you believe it, the audience is mainly children!

My Uncle Porky told me that he was in the theatre, and for one panto season was understudy to Dick Whittington's cat. He also went for the starring part in Puss-in-Boots. He got right through to the final audition before he let himself down badly. The director said to him, "Porky, which role do you want?" Quick as a flash, "sausage, sausage roll!" he replied without thinking. Unfortunately that was virtually the end of his career, apart from a minor role years later in the West End musical Cats (I understand that he was employed backstage to keep the mice under control). I think I should have gone into acting. I could have starred as Jess, opposite Postman Pat don't you think?
Well that's your lot for today. I think I need to keep a very close eye on this Christmas lark. There could be some nasty surprises in the offing. Need to watch my back as they say - is that why they shout "he's behind you!". What a life! AlbertThe(black & white)Cat.

Don't Bury Your Head in the Sand!

Good day to you all. I'm still basking in the afterglow of last weeks epic victory. The celebrations went on all weekend. Tabby and Ginger Tail are still grizzling about the result, but I think following their little chat with Mad Harry and Slasher Sid, we will not be hearing too much from them for the time being.

Anyway, a new week and we must move on. As you know, I am a very keen ornithologist. Well, I saw a real strange site this morning. About four gardens along from us, they have hung some bird feeders out in the big tree - all full of nuts and things they are. I decided to investigate, so I hid behind a bush, and you'll never believe what I saw. About six or seven great big green things arrived and started stuffing all the food. "What on earth are they?" I thought. I was plucking up courage to pounce but thought better of it - I mean they had nasty red beaks that looked capable of delivering a painful peck! They had long tails and a red and black collar, and my word did they make a dreadful row.
Only one thing for it I thought - I must go to see wise Old Black Tom. As well as being a Returning Officer beyond reproach, he is also the fount of all knowledge in these parts. "Ring necked parakeets, my boy, ring necked parakeets" he said in a knowing voice. I guess they get their name because of the terrible squawking noise which makes you want to wring their necks! Old Black Tom tells me that they originally lived in hotter climes, but decided to move over here to England after we invented global warming. We've made such a good job of heating things up he tells me, that they can now survive the winter. What a wonderful thing this global warming is I thought - must have been invented by cats - far too clever for humans.

Old Black Tom did utter a word of caution though - if things carry on like this he said, all manner of other things might start moving in soon - he reckons something called an ostrich will be next, and do you know what, they are over eight foot tall. We will need to be a bit wary of these things he warned - not to be messed with. I can see what he means, after all, wouldn't they look daft perched on the telegraph wires and you wouldn't want to look up when one flew over would you - doesn't bear thinking about - and what about the size of birdtables needed. Apparently they have another strange habit - when they get worried they bury their heads in the sand! Personally I dive under the bed, but I suppose they are a bit too big for that.

I thought if all these other things start coming over here, we'll soon be full up. What will we do then? Perhaps we should start shipping things out to make room? Old Black Tom thought this was a very sound suggestion, and said the first thing he would unload were the dogs, as they serve no useful purpose. Seems a pretty good swap to me. I don't think an ostrich would be any more trouble that the snappy little Jack Russell that lives next door. I'd like to see the owner taking it for walkies though.

Well that's my lot for today. I will have to give this global warming lark a bit more thought. Not now though, it's all very taxing, and I think I need a nap. I had a bit of a scrape around in the muddy flowerbed before I went in, and as I walked across the kitchen floor, I heard "the one I don't trust" comment on the mess - I think he was referring to my carbon footprint, or should that be pawprint? Oh how I laughed! What a life! AlbertThe(environmentally sound)Cat.

Official – "It’s a Landslide…………………"

What a day – I’m glad you could join me. You’re just in time, we are going live to the count, where they are just about to make the declaration………

Old Black Tom has just come out on to the shed roof – “Quiet please, QUIET!!! By the powers invested in me by Bert, I Old Black Tom, the Returning Officer for the said constituency do solemnly swear that the votes cast for each candidate in the election were as follows:-

• Ginger Tail – Stupid Sister Party - 6 votes
• Tabby – Poncy Brother Party - 6 votes
• Albert – Prawns For All Party - 56,000 votes
  

There was one spoiled and defaced ballot paper which cast aspersions on Bert’s parentage and insinuated that he might like to go on a long journey. It was thus disqualified. I therefore duly declare that Albert is elected as “the most cute and adorable cat” in the said constituency. I will now invite the candidates to say a few words. Ginger Tail, please step forward."Ginger Tail - “Thank you Old Black Tom - I would like to thank my election team and my supporters for a superb campaign. We will return to fight another day. I would like to say congratulations to Bert, but unfortunately I can’t. The whole election from start to finish was a complete sham…... Help!…… Let go of me!...... Put me down!…... Aaaghhhhhh!….."

Old Black Tom - “Well Ginger Tail, thank you for that, and also thank you to my two “deputy returning officers”, Mad Harry and Slasher Sid for assisting you from the stage. Now Tabby, have you anything to say?”Tabby - “I most certainly have. However, my enthusiasm has suddenly waned. All I have to say is…. I demand a recount - Fix….. Fix…...Fix….. Fix….. Sorry, but I have to leave now!"

Old Black Tom - “Thank you Tabby, and may I say how impressed I was at the speed you left the shed roof. Mad Harry and Slasher Sid didn’t even have the chance to shake you warmly by the throat, sorry, paw I meant. However, I’m sure they will catch up with you later. I now call upon Albert to make his acceptance speech”Albert The Cat - “Thank you, thank you…… settle down please…… First of all, I would like to thank the returning officer, Old Black Tom, for the fair and scrupulous way in which he has discharged his duties, not forgetting the most efficient way his two deputies have also discharged theirs. Totally beyond reproach. If they would like to pop round the back of the shed afterwards, then they will receive my undying gratitude and a rather large portion of prawns. Next, I must mention my two opponents who fought honourable, but futile campaigns. For the record, it must be noted that both candidates forfeit their deposits due to their pitiful share of the vote. Even the ones they got were dubious, and could quite easily have been discounted on the grounds of hanging chards - whatever they may be. The last minute surge of two votes for Tabby was particularly dubious. However, I am feeling magnanimous, so we won’t quibble. Suffice is to say that Harry and Sid will be calling on them in the very near future to square the accounts, so to speak.My fellow cats – Ginger Tail is defeated, so is Tabby. Today I settled all family business so don't tell me that I’m not the cutest and most adorable cat. Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring a swift visit from Harry and Sid. And where there is despair, may we bring prawns.

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that our back garden is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of prawns for all is alive in our time ... who still questions the power of Old Black Tom and his henchman, tonight is your answer.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, prawns for all has become a reality”.Well how about that. What more can I say. How lucky you must feel to be witness at one of the great moments in feline history. I’m off to celebrate. The party will go on until the early hours – we’ll be drinking from the puddles and passing the cat nip (I never inhale of course!). I will be taking a well deserved rest over the weekend. Look forward to seeing you all again on Monday. What a Life! AlbertThe(victorious)Cat.

Take Time to Smell the Roses........

Just a quick post today. I am very busy. Voting closes this evening, and I have to ensure all my supporters have turned out. Not only that, but I have to finish off my victory speech for when the results are announced tomorrow - it is coming along really well, you certainly won't want to miss it. The final campaign rally went down a storm last night. There was a massive turn out of Old Black Tom, Quasimodo, a couple of mangy strays and next doors snappy little Jack Russell.

I decided to take the morning off from campaigning, especially when I saw the sun shining. After a pleasant breakfast of prawns and biscuits, I had just settled down for a nice nap on the shed roof, when lo and behold, "the one I don't trust" decided to do a bit of gardening, "a last tidy up of the year" I heard him say. I really could have done without it to be honest, but I thought I ought to keep an eye on things - supervise if you like, after all I know a bit about horticulture. Nothing like a good dig is there! He raked all the leaves up, chopped out some dead growth, and weeded the flower beds. Very good of him - it should make it a little easier for me to get to the young saplings for a spot of scratching.
Now comes the interesting bit - he had these six great big bags of the most foul, pungent stuff you could imagine. Not sure what it is, but it smells like the stuff pigs would be happy in, if you get my drift! "What's that awful pong" said Ginger Tail as she walked past with Tabby - "it reminds me of Bert's speech last night" said "my poncy brother". What can he have meant by that? Strong and powerful I expect. Anyway, "the one I don't trust" started spreading it all over the place, under the roses, digging it into the borders, the vegetable patch, and then would you believe he goes and puts some on his rhubarb - "why can't he have custard like everyone else" I thought - Oh how I laughed. Must write that one down, I might be able to use it in my victory speech!

There is a serious point here - it will soon be time for me to have a roll before lunch - no not ham roll, a roll and dig in the flower bed I mean. I have a very bad feeling that if I should go for a clean-up on the duvet afterwards, there may very well be severe consequences for him. Someone is likely to catch it in the neck from "the pretty one". Clearly he hasn't thought this through at all. Anyway, I have far more important things to worry about - it's his problem.

Well that's my lot for today. It's all I've got time for. Off to do a bit of last minute campaigning before the polls close. Don't forget, there is still time for you to vote for me. I hope to see you all again tomorrow to celebrate my pending victory. Once more for the last time - Yes we can..., Yes we can..., Yes we can..... What a Life! AlbertThe(horticultural)Cat.

"Ask Not What Bert Can Do For You........."

Only one more day of voting left, and things are looking very good indeed. By all accounts I have a substantial lead. I think the new campaign slogan that I announced yesterday has made all the difference. We just need to guard against complacency and a last minute surge in the polls for either of the rival candidates - "my stupid sister" and "my poncy brother". So if you still haven't voted, then there is still time - just go to the ballot box in the top right hand corner and place your click next to Albert - yes you can! yes you can!I am planning to hold my final campaign rally on top of next doors shed this evening. Come early to avoid disappointment, as space along the back wall is limited. Latecomers will have to sit in next doors garden where that nasty spiteful little Jack Russell lives. I shall be making a keynote speech outlining the main thrust of my manifesto. - "prawns for all"

"And so, my fellow cats: ask not what Bert can do for you - ask what you can do for Bert".

"Never in the field of feline conflict was so much owed by so many to Bert"

"I have a dream today - prawns for all".

These are just little tasters of the great oratory you can expect at tonight's rally. Tickets are available on the gate at the very reasonable price of just four prawns each.
After the rally, I shall undertake a whistle stop tour to the outer reaches of the constituency - from the big tall fence at one end to the row of trees at the other. This should be clear to all you other cats, as I have only recently re-marked the boundaries of my territory - if you know what I mean!!Well that's your lot for today - I know it seems a little presumptuous, but I have to go and work on my victory address, and what a belter it is. Unfortunately you will have to wait until Friday after the votes have been counted and Old Black Tom has announced the results. Don't forget you still have time to vote - yes you can! yes you can! What a life! AlbertThe(crusading)Cat.

Yes We Can!.....

What a fine morning - the sun is shining, perfect day for electioneering. I would have been out on the campaign trail earlier but after breakfast I decided to have a quick nap in the Autumn sunshine on top of the shed. As expected, things are looking good. Early indications from exit polls are very encouraging. However, we must not take anything for granted. The polls do not close for another three days. So if you haven't voted for me yet, there is still plenty of time. Just go to the ballot form in the top right hand corner and click next to my name. Remember "votes mean prawns" - another of my witty campaign slogans.

Now, it has come to my attention, that malicious rumours casting aspersions on my integrity are circulating. These are almost certainly being spread by my opponents - "my poncy brother", whose deceit and cunning knows no bounds, and "my stupid sister" who will stop at nothing to get her own way. The main thrust of the discontent seems to be that I am acting as the sole adjudicator. To nip this in the bud, and especially now that early indications are favourable, I have decided to appoint an independent observer to oversee proceedings, and also to act as returning officer. Who better for this role, than Wise Old Black Tom from down the road.

I went to see him bearing a small gift - half a dozen prawns. He very kindly agreed to help out, but said that he could not accept the gift as it may be misconstrued, and it could compromise him. What a fine upstanding cat - an example to us all. He even offered to look after the prawns for me while I went and did some canvassing. When I returned to collect them, you'll never guess what had happened - he had been mugged, and the prawns stolen. "I tried to fight them off" he said as he licked his lips and cleaned his whiskers! What is this world coming to?

As you can see, I've been busy working on an exclusive range of high quality campaign merchandise, featuring another new slogan - "Yes We Can!" - what do you mean you've heard it before - surely not? Someone must have stolen it from me - I have the copyright. Just let me know who else has claims, and they will hear from my lawyers. You wait until you see the T-shirts!

Well that's my lot for today. I've got far more important things to do than sit here and ramble away to you. I have to get back out on the stump. There are babies, or should that be kittens, to be kissed, speeches to be made, paws to be greased, sorry I meant shook, all in the name of democracy. Every vote counts, and don't forget, there could be a prawn in it for you. I am relying on all my supporters to turn out and vote - all together now - "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. What a Life! AlbertThe(candidate for change)Cat.

On the Stump - Vote for Bert....

Good morning again. I had a very pleasant and restful weekend. Plenty of naps, a bit of scratching, chased “my stupid sister” round the garden, and nearly caught a bird. How come they can fly and we can’t – most unfair! Prawns were in plentiful supply, so much so, that I was in a very benevolent mood and gave “the housekeeping staff” time off. They were ever so grateful.

Now, that we have got the pleasantries out of the way let us get down to business. A brand new week, and what a big week it is. There is a very important matter that needs resolving once and for all, and as you would expect I have come up with the perfect solution. Something that started as a minor irritation, but has grown into an almighty itch – no I am not talking about the unfortunate flea problem of a couple of weeks ago. As you know, I like to illuminate these dry old postings with a few pictures. Well, every time I put up a picture of my “stupid sister”, I get lots of comments and tweets saying how cute and adorable she is. Even “my poncy brother” has his admirers. Well let me tell you this – it makes me sick!! What more have I got to do – there is only one cute and adorable cat round here and that is me!

So, what we are going to do is to have an election – it is compulsory for you to vote. Up in the top right hand corner, you will see your ballot form. All you have to do is to tick the box that says Albert. Now to ensure that the poll is carried out in a fair and impartial manner, I will be the sole adjudicator. I have given Ginger Tail and Tabby a chance to publish a short election address, a pack of lies if you ask me, but you must decide whether you are gullible enough to believe them – don’t let me influence you.

Ginger Tail – Election address

Hello – I am Bert’s cute little sister. Everyone who sees me says I am adorable. I have a pretty ginger tail with black and ginger patches on my head. My interests are charity work, helping other cats less fortunate than myself, travel, and mice. I am by far and away the best looking cat in this household – vote for me, pretty please, vote for me. Lots of love Ginger Tail xxx



Tabby – Election address

I am Tabby, Bert’s good looking brother. As you can see, I am a long haired tabby cat with a pure white front. “The pretty one” thinks I am the nicest cat and she fully endorses my candidacy. She is always telling me I am cute, and it is quite clear that I am her favourite. I sit on her lap when ever I can, and she never stops stroking me. My main interest is sucking up to "the housekeeping staff" in order to get extra prawns. Vote for me and I will let you stroke me. Tabby.


AlbertTheCat – Election address

Far be it from me to indulge in negative campaigning, but have you read the tosh above. Dreadful isn’t it. Ginger Tail was the runt of the litter I’ll have you know, and as for “my poncy brother” – he’s just a common or garden tabby with an inflated opinion of himself. What can I say about myself that you don’t already know. I have the outstanding features of the pedigree ferrel cat, the sleek figure, the finely honed physique and a cute little black chin to go with it. My good looks and intellect are only matched by my modesty. I rest my case. Do your duty - vote for Albert – there could be a prawn in it for you. Vote Albert - you know it makes sense! Pretty good slogan don't you think?

All you have to do is to cast your vote. The polls will close at midnight on Thursday, and I will announce my landslide victory, whoops sorry, the result on Friday.

Well that’s the lot for today. I’m off to do a bit of campaigning round the local neighbourhood. Must remember to take a few prawns with me. What a life! AlbertThe(right choice)Cat.