That Newton Chap Has a Lot to Answer For..........

Well, here we are then. Monday again. Don't they come round quickly - the last one only seems about a week ago. I hope you all had a nice weekend. I had a very restful time, hardly got out of bed. We were all up bright and early this morning though to keep watch for the postman. Still no sign of the reminder card from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year," so we can relax for another day.

I'm keeping a low profile at the moment. I was walking around on the kitchen tops early this morning before "the housekeeping staff" surfaced - all part of my daily inspection of the premises you understand. I feel it is my duty to make sure everything is in order - and also of course to see if they have left anything worth eating lying around. Quite often there are rich pickings to be had, especially if they have been too lazy to clear up last night's meal before bed. Anyway, while I was there, I was having a quick drink from the sink and lost my balance. As I stumbled, my tail caught a vase of flowers which crashed on to the floor. You can imagine the commotion. I was off and out the flap like a robbers dog, if you will pardon the expression."The one I don't trust" came blundering down the stairs - "Ow" he said as he stubbed his toe in the dark. He then proceeded to use some very strange words - he must be learning French! Oh how I laughed - from a safe distance of course. "My poncy brother" was slow out of the blocks and was spotted exiting the flap - now hopefully they will put two and two together and come up with five, and he will be in the frame. No prawns for him today I bet, unless he ingratiates himself with "the pretty one."Just to be on the safe side, I am hiding under the bed - it was too cold outside. Why did the vase fall off? I blame that Isaac Newton fellow for inventing gravity. Before him, I expect the vase would have floated gently down to the ground. He has got a lot to answer for - I hope that apple landing on his bonce gave him a rotten headache. Now if cats had invented gravity, it would stop about two feet above the ground. Also, without gravity, us cats would be able to fly - we could have caught all the birds by now. I have attempted flying. I can do it downwards, but upwards is much more difficult - the best I have managed is about a second before being brought back down to earth with a nasty bump!

Now before I go, I have just noticed something strange about my blog - "there's an awful lot of strange things about his blog if you ask me!" What? How rude, who said that? No, seriously I have noticed text and pictures up the right hand side that have got nothing to do with me - advertisements! How did they get there? Looks like they were written by a bloke called Adsby Google - what a funny name. He must have hacked into my site. I've had a quick look at a few of them - do you know they keep changing. There's all sorts of rubbish encouraging the "housekeeping staff" to buy shoddy products for us cats. I'd steer well clear if I was you.

Well, that's my lot for today. Adsby must think that you folks who look at this stuff I churn out are a rum lot! There was an advert earlier for people with a "drink problem" - whatever that is. Drinking is easy, apart from nearly falling into the sink this morning that is. What a life! AlbertThe(gravity defying)Cat.

On Her Majesty's Service...

Hello - just a very short posting. I wasn't going to do one today, but I knew you would all be worrying about our impending set-to with "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year." I had both Tabby and Ginger Tail stationed by the window this morning waiting for the postman, but there was still no sign of the appointment card. All he delivered was the usual rubbish.
"The one I don't trust" must be more important than I thought, because he had a letter from The Queen, a brown envelope from Her Majesty's Government inviting him to send money. Times must be hard - the global recession, whatever that is, must be starting to bite. I took the precaution of shredding the letter as for some reason the brown ones always seem to make him angry. The last one he got sent him into a state of near apoplexy - he went off on a foul mouthed diatribe about begging letters and squeezing blood out of stones. Apparently they think he is a charity and he has to pay for a bunch of "ne'er do wells, skivers, lickspittles and wasters" all out of his own pocket. I'd have thought looking after us would have been enough for him! He even suggested that he should send them the shirt off his own back - what a kind and noble gesture!

There was another letter for "the pretty one" telling her that she had been fortunate enough to win a prize in the Swaziland National Lottery, and all she had to do was call this telephone number and send a sum of money, in cash to a place called PO Box - wonder where that is? I had no idea she even entered such things. I smelt a rat at first, but then I'm always doing that - Ho Ho, just a little joke for you other cats out there. Seriously though, I soon realised it was genuine, because it said that the money was only to cover their legitimate expenses, so that's alright then, and the telephone number was premium rate - yes premium rate, not ordinary rate, but premium, and the call could last up to fifteen minutes. Obviously they have an awful lot of good news to tell her. She must have won a very big prize. Perhaps she will buy us all presents. Probably best that I don't shred this letter.

Well, that's my lot for today. I'm running out of time. It's been a very busy day, and I can't hang around here chatting away to you lot. Do you know I even missed my afternoon nap - I slept right through it. I hope you all have a nice weekend - see you next week. What a Life! AlbertThe(taxing)Cat.

The Origin of Species According to Bert!

Hello folks. Things are still very tense around here. All three of us were waiting for the postman this morning, but fortunately there were no further reminders from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" about our dreaded appointment. We must remain vigilant at all times - I wouldn't put it past him to phone up. Mmm.... I wonder if I can chew through the telephone cable? Best get Tabby to do it in case it's dangerous. Anyway, enough of this, I feel very tired today. Only got up for breakfast, and that wasn't much to speak of, a small hand full of prawns - I don't usually get out of bed for less than a dozen! "How can you be tired, you've only just got up?" I hear you say. Us cats need our sleep - did you know, that often we spend up to 23 hours a day kipping, napping, or otherwise dead to the world. If I didn't get up early, I would never fit it all in.Once the postman had cleared off, I decided to go for a wander round my patch - thought a breath of fresh air might do me good. The garden looks very scruffy at this time of year, needs a good tidy up if you ask me. No one has asked me mind, but if they did, then that is what I would tell them. Have to get "the one I don't trust" on the job. I don't know what on earth he does with himself all day. Why do all the leaves disappear in the winter? One of life's little mysteries. I reckon it's to make it easier for us cats to see the birds. Probably back in the mists of time before humans had evolved to look after us, we had to fend for ourselves, and as food may have been a bit scarce in the winter, the great pussy cat in the sky decided to to blow away all the leaves so that we could see the little perishers.Now pay attention here, because I am going to let you in on something - did you know, humans were monkeys once? Yes, monkeys. Can you believe it - well, yes you can can't you. I mean there is a remarkable similarity. By the look of them, I reckon some folks evolved from monkeys a lot later than others. Take my lot, probably about five or six years ago, before my time. I'm sure I would have remembered something like that happening. I have it on good authority that they are going to change into pigs next, in fact it may already have started - when "the one I don't trust" came in the other night after a few drinks with his pals, he went to sleep in front of the telly and made some awful grunting noises. I'm sure I heard "the pretty one" call him a swine. This is all a bit worrying, because I don't think pigs can work a can opener - we could be back to fending for ourselves.Anyway, I've started to ramble on again - back to my stroll. I noticed that quite a few Spring flowers have braved the weather and have put their heads above the parapet. These must be the ones that escaped my digging frenzy in the Autumn when I played hunt the bulb with "the one I don't trust". Oh how I laughed, hours of endless fun - I think he must have enjoyed it as well, although you wouldn't have known it - miserable so and so! After the unfortunate incident with the snowdrop last week, it is probably best that I let them grow a bit more before I play with them, after all, I'm sure that is what they are for. You can see that in addition to my main hobby, ornithology, I also take a keen interest in horticulture.Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to check that the "housekeeping staff" haven't turned into anything else while my backs been turned. Better take a look in the mirror to make sure I'm still a cat - you can't be too careful. The only thing I'm planning to turn into in the near future is my bed. Can probably make time to fit in a spot of supper first. What a life! AlbertThe(evolving)Cat.

The Cat's Out The Bag!

Have you all missed me? No! Not any of you! I don't know why I bother. "The one I don't trust" went away yesterday, and do you know what, he only took my computer with him. What a cheek. Anyway, I'm back.

We had a bit of "a do" over the weekend. "My poncy brother" developed a pronounced limp(L-I-M-P, pronounced limp) which gradually got worse. Oh, you should have seen the fuss he made. He will do anything for a bit of sympathy. "The pretty one" was all over him - you'd think he was at deaths door. She even gave him extra prawns - sometimes even I am astonished at just how gullible she can be. I had a good look at him, and all I could see was a small cut on his rear offside leg - a minor scratch. No comparison with my old war wound that I never talk about. "Oh no, he's not going to start rambling on about that again is he?" Who said that? Have I told you about it before then? Surely not - I don't like to mention it.Apparently Tabby had been doing a bit of ratting, and one of the smaller ones nipped him - oh how I laughed. Yesterday, there was talk of taking him to see "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year." This raised my hopes, that perhaps it wasn't quite so trivial after all. "The one I don't trust" was against the idea - all he was worried about was being relieved of more of his cash. "Give it a few days," he grumbled "he has to go and have his booster soon, we can kill two birds with one stone". What a mean man. Unfortunately my hopes have been dashed, as this morning Tabby seems to be on the mend. However, he does still have to go and have his jabs, so there is still something amusing to look forward to.This brings us on to the very serious business of the day. "Don't know what you're laughing at" said Ginger Tail as she walked past. "All our jabs are due at the same time - if his is due, then so are ours!" She's right you know, she's not so stupid after all. The awful truth dawned - it only seems a year since we last went. As the words were leaving her lips, the post came through the door, and there lying on the mat was a threatening letter from said bloke who sticks needles in us, telling "the housekeeping staff" that under pain of dire retribution and in exchange for an inordinate sum of money we are required to attend his seedy establishment for our booster vaccination and annual health check later this month! The cat was out of the bag, so to speak. How can a failed medic run such a scam - in any other walk of life it would be considered extortion and he would be banged to rights!

Annual health check - I don't like the sound of that - they are bound to weigh me. I did notice, that my due date is three days after the other two. I managed to escape last year before they crated me up - one of life's little triumphs. They got me next time though - despite my iron willpower, I succumbed to their dirty underhand trickery - they put a handful of prawns in the cat carrier. I have shredded the card so at least I've delayed the dreaded moment. They are bound to send another one.Well, that's your lot for today. I have important matters to attend to. I have to devise a rota for the three of us to keep guard on the letterbox. Before that, I think I will limp over to see "the pretty one" - should be worth a prawn or two. What a life! AlbertThe(needle phobic)Cat.

It's a Dogs Life.....

Hello folks. Well, as we thought, I got the blame for the snowdrop incident. There’s no justice is there? Just you wait until the crocuses, crocuseses..., croci, whatever??? appear – I’ll get my own back then. I’ve had quite a traumatic morning, a very narrow escape in fact. Almost used up one of my nine lives. “Thank goodness you’re safe" I hear you cry? I said, “Thank goodness you’re safe" I hear you cry – must be going a bit deaf. You need to speak up a bit. Anyway, I had popped over next door to do a bit of digging. Now usually, I keep my eyes open for the nasty little Jack Russell. Well, I must have let my guard down, because the damn thing crept up on me.

The shock of it – I just got to the apple tree by the back fence, scrambled up, closely followed by said Jack Russell snapping away at my tail. We were about ten feet off the ground when the stupid mutt remembered it couldn’t climb trees, and fell backwards, landing on the ground with a satisfying thump. Unfortunately it was only stunned, and was soon back on its feet, yapping away, making one hell of a din. Eventually the owner came and dragged it away. When I got home, I was in dire need of a few prawns to aid my recovery.

I ask you, what is the point of dogs? I mean, they serve no useful purpose at all - nothing but a nuisance. What if dogs had not been invented, and nobody had ever seen one? “Marvellous” you cry – yes I know, but that’s not my point. Imagine if a boffin invented the dog today, and then someone mass produced them. How on earth would the poor salesmen be able to shift such a product? Can you imagine the sales pitch when he knocked on the door……….

“Good day to you madam, can I interest you in an exciting new product called the dog”

What does it do?

“Good question madam – it comes to live in your house”

What do I have to do with it then?

“Well, when it is raining, you just tie a piece of rope round its neck and drag it up and down the road for half an hour and get soaking wet”

Really? Is that all?

“No, No, there is much more. You feed it at least three times a day. They prefer expensive cuts of finest meat”

What does it do then?

“Quite often, it is sick on the carpet, before going out into the garden and making a most dreadful mess”

Has it got any other endearing features?

“Oh yes, plenty. It carries around small black things that make it scratch incessantly. Occasionally these leap off, and land on you, and you start scratching as well – hours of endless fun”

Mmmm. I’m not sure.

“Oh come, come madam, there’s even more. It leaves hair all over the place, allowing you to vacuum at least once a day. It emits a most unpleasant smell, especially when wet. It chews lumps out of the furniture. The de-luxe version also chases cars. You can throw a stick for it to run after”

What do I do when it brings the stick back?

“You throw it away again”

Is that it then?

“Certainly not – it makes a charming yapping sound, and occasionally bites. It has to be surgically removed from visitors legs – a touching display of affection, and last but not least, you can regularly take it to see a failed medic who will stick needles in it before relieving you of large sums of cash – HOW MANY DO YOU WANT?”

No, it would never sell. You’re far better off with a cat – clean, friendly, cheap, loyal - we’re no trouble at all are we.Well that’s my lot for today. Before I go, a little dog story – a man went in to a bar, and saw a dog. He said to the chap standing next to it, “does your dog bite?” “No" he replied. The man stroked the dog and it bit him. “Ow” he said – well he would wouldn’t he. “You said your dog doesn't bite.” “He’s not my dog” said the chap, “mine’s at home.” Oh how he laughed. What do you mean you've heard it before? What a life! AlbertThe(dog loving)Cat.

How Many Builders Does it Take to Drink a Cup of Tea?

A very good day to you all. It has been quite pleasant here in London - a bit cold, but bright and sunny. After a hearty breakfast of prawns, I decided to go for a gentle stroll round my patch. I saw something very interesting, which I will tell you about in a minute. Before that though there have been some strange goings on with our cat biscuits. "The one I don't trust" has got it into his head that I am, well how shall I put this...... well rounded, if you get my drift. So, he only went and bought the "light low calorie" version of our favourite bickies. He never thinks these things through. Our bowl is always topped up - I insist on them never letting it get empty - so guess what happened. Yes, that's right, we ate twice as much as usual. He can't understand why we got through two bags so quickly. In fact, I've actually put a bit of weight on. Hopefully this nonsense will stop when he realises it is costing him double to feed us.

The things I have to put up with! Anyway, I thought I would tell you about something I saw this morning while doing my rounds. A lot of noise was coming from a garden just down the road, so I decided to investigate. By the time I arrived, Old Black Tom had beaten me to it - he was sitting on the back wall casting his eye over proceedings. There were half a dozen scruffy looking blokes slowly filling the garden up with bricks. "Whats going on here" I said. "They've got the builders in" replied Old Black Tom. "They are building a conservatory". "Why do they call it that?" I asked. "Well" said Old Black Tom, "it's really an extra room but by calling it that, they don't have to worry about tiresome details such as planning permission and building regulations." How does he know all this - he is a very clever cat, the fount of all knowledge.

One of them started to build a wall with the bricks, while the other five stood around drinking tea and watched him. "I'm surprised they don't put the roof on first" I said, "it will keep them dry if it rains." Old Black Tom gave me one of his withering looks. He had seen the flaw in my plan straight away - I told you he was a very clever cat. After a while, the woman who owns the house appeared, said something to the workmen and then went out. As soon as she was out of sight, they all stopped, sat down and started consulting some important looking papers - plans I expect, while drinking even more tea. Do you know the plans had lists of the runners and riders for all the horse races taking place today - I can't imagine why. Then they all gave the one in charge some money, and he wandered off down the road. The others sat around drinking even more tea and eating biscuits, just like a picnic.

The one in charge arrived back just before the owner, and do you know, by amazing co-incidence they had just started building up the bricks again. Not for long though, as it was soon time for them to go to lunch. What a busy morning they had! The thought of lunch made me hungry, so I bade Old Black Tom farewell and wandered off home.When I got back to our garden I noticed the first snowdrop had appeared - a sign of Spring perhaps. One delicate little white flower in an otherwise bleak landscape. I stood and admired it's inherent beauty, whilst pondering upon the wonders of nature, and then with one swipe of my paw it was gone. Just time for a quick roll in the flowerbed where it used to live. Wonder what's for lunch?Well that's my lot for today. Do you know, "the housekeeping staff" had a go at me about bringing half the garden into the house. Damn cheek - how did they know it was me. Also, I think I might be in the frame for the unfortunate demise of the snowdrop. These allegations are completely without foundation - just like the conservatory, Ho Ho Ho.... What a life! AlbertThe(nature-loving)Cat.

Warning - Cats Can Seriously Improve Your Health!

Hello – I’m back again. Sorry about the last few days – I was going to tell you a little story yesterday, but by the time I woke up from my afternoon nap, I had a big decision to make. Should I turn over and go back to sleep, or should I write my blog. Anyway, I had a really good kip. Now, what was I going to write about??? Oh yes, I remember. Did you know that a family pet can improve the quality of life for the people they live with? Not only that, but medical science has shown that these folks also lead longer and healthier lives. I heard all this while I was dozing in front of the telly the other evening.

It was an interesting programme, only interrupted by cynical comments from “the one I don’t trust”. Hair on the furniture, fleas, furballs, eats us out of house and home, were just a few of the more repeatable remarks he made. Clearly he doesn’t appreciate the benefits of having me around the place. The gist of the story is that having animal companions - cats and dogs in particular results in both emotional and physical well-being. Now, I’m sure the mention of dogs, is political correctness gone mad. I mean to say we all know what a damn nuisance those things are, especially that nasty little Jack Russell that lives next door – always yapping away.So, we will ignore dogs, and assume they were really talking about cats. Here are just a few of the apparent benefits of having someone like me living with you.

• Lower blood cholesterol levels – makes perfect sense. They came up with some clever medical explanation, but the real reason is obvious. Shellfish, and prawns in particular are a rich source of cholesterol. In this house I shift all the prawns that are put in front of me, so there are very few left for anyone else. I could do even more to help if only they would let me.
• Lower blood pressure – the last time they tried to put me in a cat carrier to go to see “the bloke who sticks needles in me once a year,” I got rather annoyed, and managed to claw and bite “the one I don’t trust”. His arm was leaking all over the place, so it stands to reason that if he has less blood inside him, then the pressure will drop – pretty basic stuff really.
• Quicker recovery from illness - clearly, if they have me to look after, they can't loaf around in bed all day feeling sorry for themselves can they? Imagine if they were unable to supply me with prawns - I would leave wouldn't I, and they wouldn't want that!
• Higher survival rate after serious illness - a study has shown that heart attack patients are more likely to be alive a year after they discharge from hospital. It would be very poor form if they keeled over and left us unattended. We give them the will to live.
• Fewer doctor visits - apart from the occasional tetanus shot after one of our little altercations, I don't see any need for "the one I don't trust" to go at all.
• Reduced loneliness - I have my staff go out to the shops on a frequent basis to stock up on essential supplies - prawns, etc. The perfect opportunity to meet people. I am always thinking of them aren't I?
• Pet therapy programmes - in nursing homes cats are credited with enabling elderly patients to reach out beyond their own pain and isolation and start caring about the world around them again. Stops them being selfish and moping around thinking of nobody but themselves.
• Less depression - fancy that, us cats are anti-depressants - Prozac on legs!
  
• Aids childhood development - not sure about this one. I hate kids. When our "nosy neighbours" last popped round with their evil brood, one of them was crawling all over the place, and started eating my cat biscuits. Everyone was most put out when I hissed and spat at him. Well, I had to put my paw down. Apparently he started bed-wetting again as a result of the shock. Most unusual in a sixteen year old - just my little joke, he's twelve actually!
  

Well that's your lot for today. I leave you to ponder upon the above - no home is complete without a cat. Now, if any of you out there are feeling a bit poorly and are deficient in the cat department, then I have a couple of spares that I can let you have - "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" are both available for immediate shipping at a very reasonable price. What am I bid for the pair? What a life! AlbertThe(health-giving)Cat.

You read it here first....

I wasn't going to do a blog today - I felt I needed a rest. However, something quite amazing has happened. Would you believe it, the BBC is now following me to see what the hot topics are. Now, this is the amazing thing, they are then regurgitating the stories as if they were their own. I wonder if I can sue them for plagiarism - whatever that is. I never realised I was so influential. "What on earth is he on about now", I hear you ask. Oh ye of little faith - it's all true. You will recall a few days ago, we were discussing how us cats are descended from the gods of ancient Egypt, and I was educating you about our heritage.Guess what happened yesterday - the BBC news website published a story telling how a 2,000 year old temple, dedicated to the cat god Bastet had been dug up in Alexandria. Spooky isn't it how this discovery was made a day or two after my blog on the same subject appeared. Are there no limits to my amazing powers. You think I am making this up don't you - well click this link to see. Believe me now! There are strange forces at work here. I must thank @AbbyDaTabby and @piddleandpurr, two of my Twitter pals, for spotting the article. I'm thinking of putting them on the payroll as roving reporters.

Well that's my lot for today - must go, am expecting a call from the BBC any minute. Apparently the lead story on the main news programme tonight is all about the shortage of prawns in West London and they want to interview me. I think they have picked this up from my last couple of posts. Where we lead others follow. What a life! AlbertThe(ground breaking)Cat.

What Did Astrology Ever Do For Us?

Good day to you all. I trust I find you well. I bet you've checked your stars this morning after yesterday's thought provoking piece. I'm just going to have a look at mine - here we are, Gemini, now what does it say:-

Time is a great healer and can bring about incredible transformations. Great healer? There is nothing wrong with me - who said "you could have fooled me." I think it was that "poncy brother" of mine. Transformations - well we all get older, I mean that's not exactly mind blowing stuff is it? Sometimes, though, you struggle with time, because you lead such a hectic life. Well I do don't I? Only this morning, I went for a little stroll after breakfast, and when I got back, there was hardly time to fit in a nap before my mid-morning snack. It's all go. You must make allowances for others, as they cannot all manage more than one thing at a time as well as you can. Very true - do you know while I am writing this, I am chewing on a prawn as well. Whoops, I've just dropped it. It's gone under the table. Ow, I've banged my head trying to pick it up. Very soon, your dreams will come true, but in months not weeks. I was hoping it would be sooner - so I've got to put up with my "poncy brother" and "stupid sister" for a while longer.This Zodiac stuff isn't all it's cracked up to be. Anyway, on to more important matters. I was looking over the fence this morning hoping to annoy the nasty little Jack Russell that lives over there. Sure enough, out he came yapping away, bouncing all over the place, closely followed by his owner who dragged him back in. Strange how dogs have owners isn't it? I mean I have staff to look after me, but an owner - no I don't think anyone has ever owned a cat. I mean my stay at this place is only temporary. If a better offer comes along, I'm off. I told Ginger Tail of my plans, and she said I was a very ungrateful cat.

"Ungrateful!" I said. "What have the housekeeping staff ever done for us?"

"They took us in when we were born under a bush up at the dump" she said.

"Apart from that?" I replied.

"They let us live in their house" she said.

"I thought it was our house, but anyway, apart from that" I replied.

"They feed us when we are hungry" she said.

"Not enough prawns though are there, but anyway, apart from that" I replied.

"They give us somewhere nice and warm to sleep" she said.

"Of course they do, but apart from that?" I replied.

"They look after us if we are not well" she said.

"Yes, yes, yes, I know, but apart from that?" I replied.

"They make sure no harm comes to us" she said.

"Yes, but apart from that what have they ever done or us?" I said triumphantly.

Just as I thought, she had no answer. Having lost the argument, she walked away shaking her head. I think she realises how futile it is to get involved in philosophical debate with a cat of my intellect. Now where's that prawn I dropped earlier. Ow, I've banged my head again.Well, that's my lot for today. I think I'll hang around a little longer and see if things improve. I told you that the woman over the back wall had taken a shine to me. She got a bit uppity when I had a little dig under her roses mind you, but we can probably patch things up. Always good to have a contingency plan. What a life! AlbertThe(sore-headed)Cat.

Look into my eyes.....

I’m back again. You’ll be pleased to know that cats and dogs did not start falling out of the sky, so Old Black Tom must have been right. Hope you all enjoyed the history lesson. Fancy us being descended from the gods. I’ve always thought as much, I mean it does explain a lot doesn’t it. No wonder we are superior to these people that look after our worldly needs. My lot are pretty ignorant when it comes to understanding cats. I have tried to educate them, but I do really think they are beyond help.

Take today for example - late with my prawns again – that’s the second time in as many weeks would you believe! I was really annoyed, so I walked up to "the one I don’t trust" and swished my tail in his general direction. "Oh look, he’s wagging his tail, he must be happy" he said. Happy? I was livid – what does he think I am - a dog? He went to stroke me and seemed genuinely surprised when I bit his finger. "My god, the blessed thing has attacked me" he cried. Good of him to acknowledge my divine status, but he was less than reverential when he chucked me out into the garden. Although they don't seem to get the thing about us being gods, they look at their stars in the paper every day - especially "the pretty one." Fancy believing that stuff.
Anyway, purely for the purposes of research you understand, I thought I would investigate my star sign - apparently I am a Gemini - one of the heavenly twins. Seems apt, but I wonder who the other one is, certainly not Tabby or Ginger Tail, that's for sure. The characteristics of a typical Gemini are:-

• Versatile, adaptable - how true, well I can turn my paw to most things.
• Quick of mind with a rapier wit - true again, I mean all these pearls of wisdom I bestow upon you are usually laced with witty asides - what do you mean "corny old jokes you've heard before!!" How rude.
• Loves to chat and share knowledge - well I do don't I? Sometimes I ramble on for ages.
• Easily bored - I'm fed up with this already. Think I'll go for a nap - no only joking, my rapier wit again.
• A communicator - well you lot turn up every day to read what I have been up to.
• Sociable - I can be very sociable, especially at feeding time.
• Enjoys variety - sometimes, I like to nap on the bed and sometimes on the chair.
• Relies on mental analysis more than gut feelings - oh yes. I have a very analytical mind. The only gut feelings I get are when I'm hungry, which come to think of it is most of the time.
• A hunger for knowledge - and prawns!

Mmmm... well, perhaps there is something in it after all. Let's not get carried away though. I see they haven't got a star sign for the cat, a very careless omission, the nearest is Leo the lion. Makes you wonder, especially when you see the other riff-raff that gets on the list - bulls, scorpions, goats, rams, crabs, I ask you, crabs! The good news is that there is nothing that remotely resembles a dog. I suppose we should be grateful for small mercies.Well that's my lot for today. Before I go, I will show you a picture and I want you to look deep into my eyes. Pretty spooky eh? You are beginning to feel drowsy, very drowsy - go to sleep, go to sleep........... When I count to ten you will be under my spell, and you will obey my every command - send prawns, send prawns, send prawns by the bucket load........ When I click my paws, you will wake up and all you will remember is that you must send me prawns. Zzzzzzzz................... what happened, I seem to have nodded off! What a life! AlbertThe(supernatural)Cat.

Tales of Ancient Egypt.......

Good news - it looks like the snow has all gone, no idea where to. Need to be careful though, it happened before, then came back when no one was looking. Another thing, along the road where some awful children live, a strange little white chap appeared in the garden, with a nose that looked like a carrot and eyes as black as coal. His arms were so thin they looked like twigs. I was quite fond of him and we had some very interesting conversations, although he didn't say much. I went to see him earlier, and would you believe it, he had disappeared without even a word of goodbye. I had a nice drink though from the puddle near where he used to stand.

What's in store for us next I wonder. Apparently it is going to bucket down according to wise Old Black Tom. He is a very clever cat. He told me it will be "raining cats and dogs by tomorrow." "What - cats and dogs! - we've got plenty of both round here, we certainly don't need anymore." I said. "Don't worry" said Old Black Tom in a condescending voice, "it's just a figure of speech." I pretended to know what he meant.

Anyway, he then went on to explain how this came about. Now, pay attention here, because you lot might just learn something. The story goes like this. Apparently, the ancient Egyptians, who were very wise, looked upon us cats as gods. A cat called Bast, or was it Tiddles? - no I think it was definitely Bast, was daughter of the sun god Ra, which in my book makes Ra a cat as well. So how about that then, the chief god was a cat. Now here is something all you cats should put in the diary - October 31st is the feast day of Bast. "Prawns all round" I hear you cry. This ancient custom should still be celebrated. Bast means "devouring lady" how appropriate, I expect she could shift the prawns! Salmon, tuna - and everything under the Ra(sun) Ho.. Ho.. She possessed an all seeing eye - just like me, always alert, never miss a thing. I seem to have lost my thread, nearly dozed off - what on earth am I on about? Oh yes, cats and dogs.

"How did something as stupid as a dog get in on the act" you ask. Well, the Egyptians thought weather was associated with various animals. Ra, the boss, already had the sun sown up, so they gave Bast rain, the next best thing - it makes everything grow. After others types of weather had been allocated, only the wind remained, and none of the gods wanted the wind! Well, they wouldn't would they? Down on earth they saw a lowly beast chasing a stick and decided in their infinite wisdom, to give dogs the wind, if you will pardon the expression. So when one day there was a really heavy storm - torrential rain, strong winds, Tutankhamun looked out the window of his pyramid, turned to his wife and said "look Cleo, its raining cats and dogs!" Not a lot of people know that!!

Well that's quite enough for today. When you popped in to see me, you never expected a history lesson did you. One last thing, in ancient Egypt, anyone caught harming a cat was for the chop - quite right too. "The housekeeping staff" should bear this in mind next time my prawns are late. My fellow cats, never forget you are descended from the gods. Right, I'm off to sit by the back door to keep an eye out for cats and dogs falling from the sky, just in case Old Black Tom has spun me a yarn - you can't be too careful. What a Life. AlbertThe(omnipotent)Cat.

Watch Out - There's a Hacker About...

Hello - you are in for a pleasant surprise today. You were expecting another load of drivel from Bert, that awful brother of mine weren't you. Well you are wrong, guess who this is - it's me, Tabby, his good looking brother. I've managed to hack into his account on the computer. It wasn't difficult, his password "prawns4me" was on a post-it note stuck to the screen. Now I have to be quick, before Bert gets back - he's out in the garden at the moment chasing snow flakes. He really is a very stupid cat. I hope you haven't been taken in by a lot of the rubbish he writes - he lives in a world of his own, he's off with the fairies most of the time.

Bearing in mind how thick he is, it is amazing that he has learnt to use a computer. Do you know the other day, he was grumbling to himself about the screen going black. Took him ages to work out the thing was not switched on. When he overcame this mighty technical challenge he thought there was something wrong with his screensaver - it disappeared every time he moved the mouse! Another time, I was walking past, and he had an error message up - it said "press any key to continue". Half an hour later, I walked past again and he was still sitting there with that gormless look on his face, "What's up" I said. "I've looked everywhere, but I still cant find the ANY key" he replied. When he first started doing his blog, it was not unusual to find typists correction fluid on the screen would you believe!

There's an awful lot I can tell you about him. Hardly know where to start. Oh no, I can hear him coming. It will have to wait for another day. He will be livid when he finds out what I have been up to - time to make myself scarce - I'm off to see "the pretty one", she'll look after me - I might even get a prawn if I suck up to her, afterall she is a little gullible, not that I would take advantage you understand. Bye for now. TabbyThe(good looking)Cat.
What's been going on here then. That "poncy brother" of mine has just run off. He's been up to no good I bet. What a damn cheek, he has been writing on my blog. How did he get into my account, what with all the security measures I have installed? I mean to say, after the previous unfortunate incident when "my stupid sister" managed to log in, I changed the password and put it in a safe place - on a post-it note stuck to the screen. Who would think of looking there - not me, that's for sure, I keep wondering where it is.Well that'll have to be my lot for today - I can't hang around here like I usually do waffling to you lot. I've got important things to do. I have to beef up my security. "Are you going to install new software?" I hear you ask. Not exactly, I have something far more effective in mind - I'm off to see Mad Harry and Slasher Sid. For a small consideration, I'm sure they will be more than happy to show Tabby what re-booting is all about, if you get my drift! What a life! AlbertThe(seriously compromised)Cat.

Conciousness - the short time between naps....

I hope you are all well. I'm taking things very easy. I've decided I need a bit of a rest. Life has been hectic recently, what with the Christmas festivities, our esteemed visitors, the prestigious award, nearly getting a knighthood, and then to cap it all the damn snow. It's cold and slushy outside, so I have taken to my bed. No point in pushing yourself to the limits is there. I mean, hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? If a thing is worth doing, then someone else will have done it already, so best leave it to them."My stupid sister" reckons I am just being lazy, but how little she knows. Being a well educated cat, I have of course studied Physics - whatever that is. Anyway, did you know that one of the laws of dynamics, or something similar, is that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Makes sense therefore to use as little of it as possible. I'm all in favour of conservation. While we are addressing such matters, another important law of Physics that I wholeheartedly agree with is that a body will remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of a refrigerator door.So you can see, there is a lot more to all this loafing around than meets the eye. It can be quite tiring. I wonder if "the housekeeping staff" would bring my meals to my bed - not much to ask is it. Perhaps if I let them stroke me, I mean,they do say there is no such thing as a free lunch. Personally I have never bought in to that daft idea - there is around here, as well as free breakfast, free dinner, free supper and free snacks. Quite right too. The staff should realise by now how lucky they are to have me.Well that's my lot for today. I'm going back to sleep. Hope I wake up in time for my tea. I expect I will - after all, us cats still know what is going on even when we appear to be out like a light. Oh yes, we are always alert, nothing gets past me. "Tea was served up over an hour ago." "Who said that" I asked. "Me" said Tabby, "you were asleep, we didn't like to wake you." Oh how he laughed. I hate him I really do. What a life! AlbertThe(sleepy but alert)Cat.

The Big Grey Thing Outside the Back Door......

I hope you are all surviving the snow and cold weather – not really sure what I make of it. Spent a considerable amount of time yesterday chasing snow flakes, but every time I caught one it disappeared – where do they go? We had a good few inches of the stuff in the garden – it changed from “the big green thing outside the back door” into “the big white thing outside the back door.” But then this morning, it has changed again to the "big grey thing outside the back door." It is all wet and slushy, most unpleasant. The good news is that we didn't run out of essential supplies like prawns and cat biscuits.I think I've just about had enough of the snow – it is interesting to start with, but the novelty soon wears off. A bit like relatives I suppose – nice when they arrive, but after a couple of days you can’t wait to get shot of them.

I trust you all enjoyed the "agony column" from last week. I have had a mixed response. Some of you thought I was a little harsh. Well, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and as you know I am never afraid to give advice that no one wants to hear. I bet when you saw the title of today's little offering, you thought that George from Manchester had paid me a visit - Ho Ho Ho. A little joke just for my regular readers!This is a miserable time of year - not just the weather, but "the housekeeping staff" appear to have gone down with some terrible disease - swine flu I expect. "The one I don't trust" is in a bad way. Sniffing and groaning all the time, and as for coughing, he is making more noise that the nasty yappy little Jack Russell that lives next door. It really is most distressing - it kept me awake all last night. If he had any consideration, he would have gone outside and slept in the shed - he can be very selfish at times.

I have noticed though that he is working on a remedy - liberal doses of brandy. It doesn't appear to be working, but he isn't giving up just yet. "The pretty one" doesn't share his enthusiasm for alternative medicine, in fact she seems quite opposed to his methods. That's the trouble with some people, they are very stuck in their ways and not prepared to be open minded and try new approaches - homeopathy, acupuncture, alcohol, etc. Anyway, let's hope they get better soon, I'm fed up with them moping around the house. If they're too sick to go to the shops we might run out of prawns. Now that really would be serious.Oh well, that's my lot for today. I leave you to ponder on this - why do they call it swine flu? Do pigs get it? I expect they do - hence the expression "sick as a pig." Perhaps they come out in rashers! Probably not a problem, I mean most of them will be cured anyway! What do you mean, "you've heard them before." Surely not! What a Life! AlbertThe(alternative)Cat.