I’m a bit annoyed today. “You mean you are not your normal cheery self?” Far from it, in fact I’m downright fed up, but thank you for your concern. What has caused this distressing state of affairs I hear you ask. Well, we’ve had visitors. As regular readers will know, I hate visitors – without fail they cause problems, and this lot were no exception.
The tell tale signs were there from early this morning. The housekeeping staff were rushing around arguing with each other as they tidied the place up. My breakfast prawns were an afterthought. The one I don’t trust hardly bothered to thaw them out for me. What!!! I hear you cry, Bert has to make do with frozen prawns rather than freshly caught ones? Yes, I’m afraid standards are slipping. What is this world coming to? Apparently the pretty one is having a few friends round for coffee. Anyway, after I had crunched through the prawns, the vacuum cleaner came out. Dreadful thing, gets on my nerves. It really sucks! "You must be in a bad mood Bert, that’s a rotten joke even for you!" What, who said that, how rude!I took this as my cue to depart. I went for a nice snooze under the rhubarb tree, with the aim of keeping a low profile until after the visitors had cleared off. I bumped into Tabby and Ginger Tail, and told them what was going on. Ginger Tail was most put out. “I spent ages putting hair all over the settee last night” she said, “I just get the place just how I like it, and then they go and clean it up.”
Some time later, I was awakened from my slumber by the sound of chatting and laughing coming from the house. “They’ve arrived” said Tabby who had been sleeping next to me. “Sounds like it, think I’ll stay out here,” I replied. “Very wise” said Tabby. After a while, curiosity got the better of me. You know what curiosity did to the cat don’t you! “I am very curious” I said to Tabby. He agreed, “you are without doubt a very curious cat” he replied. We decided to go and investigate. We silently crept in through the cat flap and took up station out of sight under the table in the lounge. Us cats are renowned for our stealth and agility. Not a sound was made, apart that is from the crashing of a vase full of flowers as it fell to the floor after I brushed against the table leg. “I bet it was that Bert” said the pretty one as she rushed to clear up the mess she had caused by precariously balancing said vase on the very edge of the table. Fancy blaming me.By this time Tabby and me had retreated back to the rhubarb tree. A little while later, after the fuss had died down, using all of our guile, we crept back in again. “They won’t notice us this time” I said confidently to Tabby as we squeezed behind the bookcase. “Oh look” said one of the visitors, “there is a big black and white cat behind the bookcase.” Tabby must have given the game away! I recognised one of the visitors – it was the woman from next door, who owns the nasty snappy little Jack Russell. Fortunately she had not brought the offending mutt with her. “That black and white one comes into our garden” she said “and my little dog goes mad, he gets quite stressed.” Good, I thought. The other visitor who had spotted me first said, “he is very big isn’t he?” “Do you think so” said the pretty one. “We did try to put him on a diet once, the lite version of his favourite biscuits, but he ate twice as many – I prefer to think of him as nice and cuddly.” Quite right too I thought, we can usually rely on her to stand up for us.
Then something dawned on me, the other visitor who keeps referring to me as “big”, is not exactly sylph like herself. I had a good look at her, and I can tell you, she has certainly shifted a few pies in her time. What a cheek, talk about the pot calling the kettle black, and people in glass houses not lobbing bricks! If Captain Ahab was here, I reckon he would be sharpening his harpoon. She’s got more chins than a Chinese phone book. We had heard enough, so me and Tabby wandered off, stopping only for a few biscuits on the way out.Well, that’s my lot for today. “Fancy knocking the vase over” said Tabby. “I’m just unlucky” I replied. “Black cats are supposed to bring good luck” he said, “but then again, you are only half black, perhaps the other half of you brings bad luck.” What a load of superstitious nonsense I thought. “I don’t believe in superstitions” I said, as I crossed my fingers and touched wood. What a Life! AlbertThe(lucky)Cat.
Deadly Fate by Heather Graham
2 hours ago