Thursday, 31 December 2009

Arise Sir Bert..............

..........."Albert, it is very good of you to make time to come and see me today. I have rescheduled this investiture to fit in with your busy schedule. I realise that if you had come any earlier you would have missed your breakfast prawns. My husband and I would not want to impose on such an important event," said The Queen.

"I am most deeply obliged Your Majesty," I replied.

"Now, we must get down to business" said The Queen. "I have a load of riff-raff lined up outside waiting for their gongs. If you would be so kind as to kneel on the cushion, we can begin".

"For outstanding services in the field of feline literature and for keeping the palace mouse population under control, Albert is duly appointed to the order of Knight of the Bath - he could certainly do with one, just my little joke" said The Queen. "Arise Sir Albert The Cat"

"Be careful with that sword, you could have my ear off" I said.

"Now that the formalities are out of the way, can we have a quiet word Bert - you don't mind if I call you Bert do you?" The Queen said.

"Not at all Ma'am" I replied.

"I am getting fed up with these pesky corgis running around all over the palace and yapping away. I am thinking of getting rid of them and replacing them with a whole load of cats. What do you think Bert?"

"Well Your Majesty, in my humble opinion it is an excellent idea," I said.

"I'm glad you agree," said The Queen. "I will get on to it first thing in the morning, and I would like to offer you, Sir Bert, the position of First Royal Cat - what have you got to say to that?"

"I am deeply honoured Your Majesty" I replied.

"You will of course have permanent residence in Buckingham Palace, and have your very own staff from the Royal Household. All of your living expenses will be covered, and there will be unlimited prawns. One further thing, I tell you this in strictest confidence you understand, I am very disappointed with my offspring - a bunch of wasters - I am thinking of disinheriting them. I would like to make you heir to the throne - King Albert The First, what do you think of that?" said The Queen.

"Before I accept, there are a couple of things. Firstly, "my poncy brother", and "stupid sister" can I put them in The Tower?" I asked.

"Good idea" said The Queen, "I do it all the time to people who get on my nerves. Lord Lucan is still in there, sharing a cell with Shergar - do you know I had a win-double riding on that horse and he came in third!".

"Excellent" I said. "What about my current housekeeping staff - they are fairly inept, but I have grown strangely fond of them. They would be lost without me. Perhaps you could find a menial position for "the pretty one" in the kitchen, and as for "the one I don't trust", well it is hard to know what to suggest - perhaps something with a shovel in the Royal Stables?"

"No problem at all," said The Queen, "I will get Philip on the job tomorrow."

"In that case I accept" I said.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.................. "arise Sir Bert,....... arise Sir Bert,........ wake up Sir Bert,....... wake up you stupid cat,.......... wake up you idiot"................. said Tabby, "King Albert indeed - you have been dreaming again".
Surely not - it was all a dream. I'm here laying in my bed with that "poncy brother" of mine pushing his way in. Oh what a disappointment. I didn't even get a mention in The New Years Honours List can you believe. Must be one of you lot not being able to keep the little secret I let you in on yesterday. I won't trust you again!

Well that's my lot. I always thought I had royal blood in my veins - not sure how it got there. All that remains, is to wish all of you a very happy and prosperous new year. What a Life! AlbertThe(not so very regal)Cat.

Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Better than the Oscars - Honest it is......

I'm on top of the world today. Can't understand why everyone else is so miserable. You'll never guess what has happened - my little blog has won an award. Yes, it's true, fame at last, not before time though is it, and richly deserved. The award is:- (fanfare and roll on the drums........)

"The Honest Scrap" award. What do you mean, there is an extra "S" in the second word! The Honest Scrap citation reads - "for bloggers who put their heart on display as they write from the depths of their soul" - most appropriate. Although you philistines out there may not have heard of it, it stands alongside The Nobel Prize for Literature, apparently! This award was bestowed upon me by "I Have Cat" who writes an excellent blog - you should check it out, not until you have finished reading mine of course -
There are lots of people I must thank, firstly my mother without whom none of this would have been possible (wipes away tear from eye with paw), secondly my father - whoever he was, and "I Have Cat" for recognising great literary skills, like what them ones are that I've got. That's it really, no one else deserves a shout. At this point I should mention "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" who have always held me back, despite everything I have done for them, they must be green with envy - I hope so. Finally, "the housekeeping staff" who have never appreciated how lucky they are to have me - hopefully there will be a big change in their attitude from now on, especially "the one I don't trust" - he needs to buck his ideas up or he could be out.

Now, there are a few conditions that I have to comply with in order to accept the award - a bit of a pain really, but I suppose we better do things properly. These are as follows:
  • Highlight the award on your blog and link back to the person who bestowed the award to you - I've done that.
  • Post 10 interesting things about yourself - it will be difficult keeping the list down to ten, but we will have a go.
  • Pass on the baton by presenting the award to 10 or so other blogs.
Right then, let's get cracking, 10 interesting things you don't know about me:-
  1. I am partial to the occasional prawn.
  2. I am by far and away the most cute and adorable cat in this house.
  3. I am available for private functions - very reasonable rates.
  4. My favourite actor is Jess from the epic, Postman Pat - I should have got that role really.
  5. I am partial to the occasional prawn.
  6. I like songs by Cat Stevens, apart from the one he wrote called "I Love My Dog" - daft song!
  7. I like Mickey Mouse films - can't watch too many though, they give me disney spells! Ho Ho Ho...
  8. I am partial to the occasional prawn.
  9. I hate "Tom and Jerry" - the damn mouse always wins - not so in this house I assure you.
  10. All this talk of prawns makes me hungry - it must be feeding time.
Other blogs upon whom I have bestowed the Honest Scrap award - before I start, I should point out here that this is all done in good faith, and no "incentives" have been offered or sought for a recommendation in this illustrious list. However, if any of the recipients feel obliged to make a donation, purely voluntary of course, to recompense my good self for my time and effort, then they should feel free - a discreet offering of fresh prawns is always acceptable. I'm sure you will realise that I have the power to delete you from the said list, and a visit from Mad Harry and Slasher Sid is not completely out of the question.

I am Otter - The unheard ramblings of a modern day domestic otter.
Thoughts in Progress - A place for my mind to gather its images.
Jan's Funny Farm - Always a good read.
Tails from the Burrow - If you like carrots you'll like this!
Whisker Messages from a Church Cat - Sharing the writing life - another literary feline.
The Mooshie Chronicles - A meow perspective on life.
Epic's Journal - A cat's journey through life.
Spot and Fiona - Another good read.
Funny End of the Tail - Nice pics and clips.
Sleeps with Dogs - Enrichment through dog-ma.
My Name is Linus - A polydactyl cat sharing his experiences, thoughts and stories.
Parrotcat - Tales from the back of the sofa.

Now, if any of the above have won this prestigious award before, then don't worry. After all, Walt Disney won 26 Oscars, and it didn't do him any harm did it.
Well that's your lot for today. Before we go, one other thing, I am supposed to keep this a secret, but there could be another award in the pipeline. Don't let the cat out of the bag... Ho Ho Ho. I may be mentioned in The New Years Honours List - a knighthood I expect, Sir Albert The Cat, has a nice ring to it don't you think. I trust Her Majesty keeps those pesky little corgis under control when I go to the palace for my investiture - perhaps I should send her a reminder on Twitter - I expect she follows me. I'll remember my friends though, no need to stand on ceremony, you lot can call me Sir Bert. What a life! (Sir)AlbertThe(noble)Cat - probably.

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life………..

How are we all then? Hope you survived the festivities. What a let down they turned out to be. Do you know that most of those presents round our tree weren't for me after all. Most of them were for the damn housekeeping staff. What did I get you all ask – a little fishing rod type thing with a tinsel covered mouse on the end of a bit of string. Apparently I am supposed to chase it and get excited when they dangle it in front of me. I could hardly contain myself!

What a depressing state of affairs. Weather is rotten, dark most of the day, housekeeping staff miserable as sin, roll on Spring. I think I am suffering from the post-Christmas blues. This set me thinking – don’t sound so surprised – I do occasionally, why do most of us feel down at this time of year?
I did some research on the internet and I am correct - statistically this is the most depressing time of year – in fact as far as suicides are concerned, then this is definitely the most popular time to top yourself – if you are that way inclined of course. Now, us cats don’t really go along with suicide. Probably because we have nine lives. I expect feeding time would arrive before we even got past attempt three, and we would lose interest. Anyway, these humans are a strange lot.

Guess what I have discovered from the statistics:-
  • Christmas is the most popular time for suicides, mm.... not sure if popular is the right word, but you get my drift – I suppose you can understand it, if people are on their own they may get a bit down.

  • Sunday evening is the most popular time of week – people depressed about going back to work after the weekend I expect.

  • Scandinavia has a higher prevalence that any where else. Not surprised, apparently it does not get light during the winter. All very gloomy.

  • The veterinary profession is more prone to it than any other – I reckon this is because they have a chip on their shoulder about being failed medics, and also it is easy for them to do it – one quick jab and Bob's your uncle! People with low self esteem are always putting themselves down, so to speak – just my little joke! Now, compare this with say, a carpenter – by the time he had got half way through sawing his head off, he would probably have lost the enthusiasm. Not exactly quick and painless is it?
I know this is a morbid subject, but in this post-Christmas period, it is most appropriate don't you think. My mind started wandering and I came up with an interesting thought - what would happen if they had a Veterinary Convention in Norway in December, when Christmas fell on a Sunday – I ask you? A real bundle of laughs that would be - they would be collecting them up in wheelbarrows on Boxing Day.
Well that’s my lot for today - I will leave you to ponder on that chilling thought. Do you know, while I was doing my research, I went to the library and asked if they would lend me a book on suicide – they said no, on account that I wouldn’t bring it back! Oh how they laughed! Another of my little jokes. What a life! AlbertThe(very morose)Cat.

Thursday, 24 December 2009

Bert's Christmas Message...

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

Quite right too - no self respecting mouse would wander around here. Well, here we are then, Christmas Eve. The big day has almost arrived. I have just sent "the housekeeping staff" out to get last minute provisions - prawns and cat biscuits I expect. I hope they use their initiative and get me a special treat - half a side of fresh salmon would be quite acceptable. They have taken our esteemed visitors with them, so that they can buy me something. I'm looking forward to opening all my presents tomorrow.

Now it's at times like this, that we should count our blessings and remember those less well off than ourselves - dogs for instance. No, just my little joke, we don't give a damn about them. What I am really getting at is those cats whose staff have neglected them and gone away for the holiday period. These poor creatures will by now be banged up in catteries. I know from personal experience how awful this can be. A few years ago me, Tabby and Ginger Tail were dispatched unceremoniously to Camp Colditz for a whole week over Christmas, while the staff went off and enjoyed themselves. "Poor Bert" I hear you cry.

What a week that was - confined to our cell 24 hours a day, starvation rations, slopping out morning and night, and lights off at 8PM sharp. The picture below shows us just starting our sentence. So you cats out there who have been deserted, you have my sympathy. If I was you, I would spend the time plotting your revenge - shredding the furniture, hairballs on the carpet, dead mice under the bed - you know the sort of thing. All you poor imprisoned pussy cats - rest assured that while we are tucking in to our prawns and fresh salmon, and laying in front of a nice warm fire, we will be thinking of you if we remember.
Christmas is a time of peace and goodwill to all cats, except "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" of course. Christmas is a time for giving. Not just the nice presents that I hope you have all bought for me, but what I really mean is our favourite charities. Take for example the Cats Protection people - what magnificent work they do finding homes for stray cats. You should all search your consciouses and consider taking in a poor homeless moggy. I would myself, but obviously we are overcrowded here already. We had one of these charity people knock on our door the other day just after some of the Christmas decorations had mysteriously been pulled down - "I'm collecting for the local cats home" he said. The one that I don't trust replied tersely "I've got three you can have!". Wonder what he meant by that? Three bags of money I expect - he can be quite generous at times.

Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to get stuck in to the festivities. Before I go though I would like to thank my legions of readers, all five of you, for your support. I hope you all have a very Happy Christmas. I will return after the holiday. What a life! AlbertThe(philosophical)Cat.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Look at all my Presents!!!!

I've had a very busy day, so not had time to do a proper blog - I'm sure you understand!. Our esteemed visitors have arrived - "the pretty one's" mother and father. I decided to go against my natural instincts and be friendly towards them - I have even let the mother stroke me. She seemed to enjoy it. As Christmas is a time for giving presents I thought this might stand me in good stead - I wonder what she has got for me.

I've mounted guard on the Christmas tree after my dire warnings yesterday. Do you know what has happened? Lots of brightly coloured presents have appeared underneath it. Naturally I assumed they were all for me, but on closer inspection, some are for "the housekeeping staff" would you believe. Probably wrongly labelled.

Well that's my lot for today. I will be back tomorrow - if time permits, with my Christmas message. What is Santa going to bring me? What a life! AlbertThe(expectant)Cat.

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Christmas - Bah Humbug!!!

Good morning one and all, well it might not be so good. Things were going well, I thought I had a fine new toy, but now I’m not so sure. Let’s take a step back to last Friday. Regular readers will know that a scruffy old pine tree appeared in the lounge. As I predicted, “the housekeeping staff” decorated it over the weekend. It is covered in all manner of shiny things, lights and dangly balls. When you give them a good clout with your paw, the whole thing shakes and the staff get very agitated. All good fun. There is even a strange little fellow dressed in red with a white beard sitting on top. I haven’t managed to knock him off yet. “My poncy brother” reckons he can climb up to get at him. I am encouraging him to have a go. Just to be on the safe side, I think I will make myself scarce when he makes his attempt.

NOW PAY ATTENTION all of you because this is very serious - I believe there is a major conspiracy afoot. The humans are planning to get rid of us cats. Surely not I hear you cry - but sadly it is true, and after all we've done for them! I heard the staff talking about ways to “cat-proof” the tree. This is all very worrying – there appear to be lots of hazards. I say again, all you cats out there need to pay attention here, it gets a bit scary. Apparently tinsel is very bad for us when we eat it – why on earth I would want to eat bits of silver paper I don't know – they must think I am as daft as they are. Now if they hung prawns all over the tree, then that would be a different matter all together. They have read somewhere that cats don’t like orange peel and that if they put it round the bottom of the tree, then the smell will repel us. Have you ever heard such rubbish in your life. I bet they never asked a cat for an opinion. If they really want to use smells to keep us away, they should ask Mad Harry and Slasher Sid. When they leave smells around, most cats who have any regard for their own safety steer well clear – if they know what’s good for them! They should bottle the stuff and sell it – they’ll make a fortune.
It gets worse - there are lights on the tree, and if we chew through the wires, we get frazzled! Many of the little toys on the tree are made of something called chocolate. Despite “the pretty one” being addicted to the stuff, it can be poisonous to us cats. The tree is in a little stand, with water in the bottom. We must not drink this water because nasty stuff comes out of the tree that makes us barf! In addition to the tree, they have also bought in prickly twigs covered in red berries called Holly, and apparently the berries are poisonous to cats. What are they up to? I can only come to one conclusion - they are out to get us.
As you now see, this Christmas lark is not all it is cracked up to be – I reckon it is a deliberate attempt to get rid of us – a major conspiracy in fact. What a good job I have rumbled their little plan. Spread the word - we need to be on our guard. Personally I plan to knock our tree over at the earliest opportunity. I think you should all do the same.

Well that’s my lot for today. I hope you cats have taken heed of my warnings. If you've still got nine lives left, then you may want to take a chance, but if like me you've been around a bit, so to speak, then you need to take great care out there! What a life! AlbertThe(not so festive)Cat.

Monday, 21 December 2009

Christmas Trees - Beware!

Hello folks - first of all I must apologise for not writing a blog today. I have been very busy. As we thought, the Christmas tree, or scratching post as I prefer to think of it, was decorated over the weekend and is now covered with lots of sparkly toys. What fun I've had. The "housekeeping staff" don't appear to share my joy but then I've always thought they were a miserable pair, especially "the one I don't trust". He gets really touchy every time I go near the thing - not that I care. However, I have just had a bit of a shock - I've overheard them talking and apparently Christmas trees can be very hazardous to us cats!!!! So, you will quite understand why I can't stay around here today chatting to you lot. I'm off to do some research. I will be back tomorrow with a full report on the situation. All you cats out there will need to read it! I'd hate you to lose any of your nine lives.Well that's it for today. You can see from the picture that I am spending some time thinking before knuckling down to my research. No point in rushing in to things. What a dangerous life! AlbertThe(playful)Cat.

Friday, 18 December 2009

Tis the Season to be Jolly............

Hello again. Last day of the week. You'll all be pleased to know that when I looked out into the garden this morning there was not a polar bear in sight. What a relief. Even though the snow seems to be disappearing - I still haven't worked out where it goes by the way, I don't think we should let our guard down just yet.

Strange things going on round here today, "the housekeeping staff" have started to bring the garden into the house! Fancy that. The scruffy old pine tree that he acquired a few days ago is now in the lounge. Whenever I bring bits of the garden indoors, mud, grass, etc.. I get shouted at, and now he brings a whole tree inside and nothing is said. I think it has a lot to do with this Christmas thing they keep going on about. Two big boxes have appeared from the loft, full of sparkly silver things, brightly coloured baubles and strings of flashing lights. Now if I'm not mistaken, at the weekend, they intend to hang all this stuff on the tree. Imagine, an indoor scratching post covered with lots of new toys. I can see endless hours of amusement ahead. Perhaps this Christmas lark won't be so bad after all. I'm getting quite excited.

As I'm not really sure what Christmas is all about, I went and spoke to Wise Old Black Tom, the fount of all knowledge. He told me that many years ago, a little baby boy called Santa was born in a stable. "Why was he born in a stable" I asked. "Because all the hotels were full up on account of it being Christmas" he said. What a clever cat, he knows everything. What happened next I hear you ask. Well, three blind mice, I think he said three blind mice, bearing gifts, followed a shining star, and it led them to the stable where the new born child was laying in a manger. I got a bit confused at this point, as its difficult to imagine blind mice following a star. Perhaps they had guide dogs. I wonder what presents they took with them - cheese I expect.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, this is the reason why we celebrate Christmas every year. Now anything that involves receiving presents can't be all bad. I wonder what "the housekeeping staff" will get me? A great big box of prawns I hope. I must be very difficult to buy for - I mean to say what do you get the cat who has got everything? I asked Old Black Tom whether I needed to get presents for "my stupid sister" or "my poncy brother". He said that cats don't usually give presents to other cats, but it was traditional in these parts to give a small token of appreciation to black cats, just for good luck you understand. "A few prawns are usually quite acceptable" he said. Now, I never realised that, and guess who is the only black cat I know - yes you're right, Old Black Tom. Isn't it a good job he told me.
Well that's the lot for today, and in fact for this week. Looks like it could be a busy weekend round here. Hopefully by the time we meet up again on Monday the indoor scratching post will be on display in all it's glory! I can't wait to get my Santa Claws into it - Ho Ho Ho!!! Don't forget now, keep your eyes open for polar bears. What a life! AlbertThe(Festive)Cat.

Thursday, 17 December 2009

The Big Freeze, or The Cold Shoulder.....

Greetings one and all. Yesterday's snow has all gone - wonder where it went? However, I heard "the housekeeping staff" talking earlier, and apparently a load more is expected later, so we are not out of the wood yet. If you were thinking of sending food parcels, then I suggest you do so immediately.
Talking of a big freeze, "the one I don't trust" went out last night and came back quite late. I don't think "the pretty one" was all that impressed. These humans are very strange creatures, particularly the female ones. Take us cats for example. I mean we seem to get on very well with "the pretty one", and quite understandably she really likes us. In fact she adores us, especially me. We are clearly superior beings, we are very independent minded, we take very little notice of anything she says, we don't come in when she calls us (unless prawns are involved of course!), occasionally we may stay out all night with the other local cats, but when we do decide to come home, we quite naturally expect to eat before being left in peace to take a nap.

Now, compare this to the "the one I don't trust". He can be quite opinionated, and at times, I have noticed he completely ignores her instructions - only when she is not looking though. Sometimes, like last night he goes out with his friends, doesn't come back when he is expected, and when he does turn up all he wants to do is eat and go to sleep in front of the telly. When you think about it, there is not an awful lot of difference between the way us cats behave, and the way he carries on is there? Yet when we see fit to come in, we are greeted with cuddles and strokes, but when he eventually shows up, you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Most mysterious - I don't think I will ever fathom them out. Best that I don't try really. I must stop thinking of them as large cats capable of intelligent thought.
Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to keep a watch out for the snow. I wonder if the snappy little Jack Russell from next door can pull a sled - he's not much use for anything else. Another distressing thought has just struck me - what with the arrival of parakeets and ostriches due to global warming, what can we expect next after this sudden bout of global cooling - polar bears perhaps? Now that would be something - I bet they're a real handful. Think how many prawns it will take to fill one of those things up - there will be none left for me. What a life! AlbertThe(deeply troubled)Cat.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

In the Bleak Mid-Winter......

Well what a turn up for the book. Only a couple of days ago we were discussing the merits of global warming and now, would you believe it, this morning it has started to snow. Must be a huge shock to those ring necked parakeets that have moved in. At least it should keep the ostriches at bay for a bit longer.

The big green thing outside the backdoor - garden to the uninitiated, is slowly turning white. If it carries on like this, then "my stupid sister" will be nearly invisible! All you will be able to see is two ears and a tail. I tell you what though, it is very cold on the paws. Perhaps I will put a pair of socks, no hang on two pairs of socks, on my Christmas list when I write to Santa. To make matters worse, "the pretty one" has got a a friend round for coffee. You know by now what I think of visitors - don't like them at all, so instead of being curled up in the warm, I have been stuck outside waiting for them to clear off.

Fortunately there is only a little bit of the stuff at the moment, but if we get much more the whole place could grind to a halt. Very worrying - what will happen if we get snowed in? I hope we have enough prawns and cat biscuits to keep us going. I suppose the Cats Protection people could ship in fresh supplies by helicopter - I am in regular contact through the good offices of twitter you know. I must start making contingency plans. Now, there is a small pond in one of the gardens just along the road. It is full of little fishes. Do you know, when I first saw them I was absolutely amazed - I had no idea fishes swam around in ponds did you? I thought they came in tins, just for us. So far I have been spectacularly unsuccessful in catching them. I have spent a lot of time trying, but the water is a bit too wet for my liking. What if the pond freezes over - bet it will give the little fellows a terrible headache when they come up for air!What else is there? The woman over the back wall use to be good for a few tit-bits, but she hasn't been speaking to me since I unearthed one of her prize shrubs. In fact she was most rude the last time I popped over to see her. No, I think in the short term the best bet is to be first in the food queue and try to snaffle some of Tabby and Ginger Tails grub as well as my own.

Well that's the lot for today. I'm going to stay in the warm and keep a very close eye on the food dish. If things get much worse, I will be expecting you all to send food parcels. They might even release a charity record for us - something by Cat Stevens perhaps? What a Life! AlbertThe(soon to be starving)Cat.

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Christmas is Coming.....

Hello again. Guess what's happened round here today. "The housekeeping staff" went out this morning, just after prawns, and when they came back, they had a strange looking tree with them- a Norwegian fir apparently! It's out in the garden, leaning up against the shed at the moment. As you would expect, I've had a good look at it, and to be honest, I am quite underwhelmed. I mean it has been sawn off above the root, so I didn't hold out much hope for it. It smells of pine - reminds me of the disinfectant type pong indoors just after they find one of Tabby's hairballs.

I heard "the one I don't trust", saying something about it looking nice once it has been moved inside the house. This is all part of the Christmas ritual that is looming up on us. If nothing else, I reckon it will make a very useful indoor scratching post. Will come in handy when it is raining outside. I will keep an eye on this, and keep you posted over the next week or so. I don't know why, but it fills me with a strange sense of foreboding!

Talking of Christmas, I find it all rather unsettling. Last year, the staff went away, and me Tabby and Ginger Tail were sentenced to two weeks without remission in Stalag Colditz - a terrible place, run by the evil camp commandant. I will tell you all about this place on another day. However, as we are blessed with visitors this Christmas, I am assuming that we won't have to serve another stretch for the time being.
Christmas is a funny time of year - all common sense seems to go out of the window. When I was a lad, my great uncle Porky told me about something called pantomime. Now, you will have to pay attention here because it all gets very confusing! It's a bit like a play at the theatre, but with some subtle differences - one or more of the leading ladies is played by an ugly man who wears women's clothes and is called the dame, the leading young man is played by a woman wearing tights and is called the principal boy, and two men dress up as a horse. Are you still with me? All sounds a bit x-rated to me, but would you believe it, the audience is mainly children!

My Uncle Porky told me that he was in the theatre, and for one panto season was understudy to Dick Whittington's cat. He also went for the starring part in Puss-in-Boots. He got right through to the final audition before he let himself down badly. The director said to him, "Porky, which role do you want?" Quick as a flash, "sausage, sausage roll!" he replied without thinking. Unfortunately that was virtually the end of his career, apart from a minor role years later in the West End musical Cats (I understand that he was employed backstage to keep the mice under control). I think I should have gone into acting. I could have starred as Jess, opposite Postman Pat don't you think?
Well that's your lot for today. I think I need to keep a very close eye on this Christmas lark. There could be some nasty surprises in the offing. Need to watch my back as they say - is that why they shout "he's behind you!". What a life! AlbertThe(black & white)Cat.

Monday, 14 December 2009

Don't Bury Your Head in the Sand!

Good day to you all. I'm still basking in the afterglow of last weeks epic victory. The celebrations went on all weekend. Tabby and Ginger Tail are still grizzling about the result, but I think following their little chat with Mad Harry and Slasher Sid, we will not be hearing too much from them for the time being.

Anyway, a new week and we must move on. As you know, I am a very keen ornithologist. Well, I saw a real strange site this morning. About four gardens along from us, they have hung some bird feeders out in the big tree - all full of nuts and things they are. I decided to investigate, so I hid behind a bush, and you'll never believe what I saw. About six or seven great big green things arrived and started stuffing all the food. "What on earth are they?" I thought. I was plucking up courage to pounce but thought better of it - I mean they had nasty red beaks that looked capable of delivering a painful peck! They had long tails and a red and black collar, and my word did they make a dreadful row.
Only one thing for it I thought - I must go to see wise Old Black Tom. As well as being a Returning Officer beyond reproach, he is also the fount of all knowledge in these parts. "Ring necked parakeets, my boy, ring necked parakeets" he said in a knowing voice. I guess they get their name because of the terrible squawking noise which makes you want to wring their necks! Old Black Tom tells me that they originally lived in hotter climes, but decided to move over here to England after we invented global warming. We've made such a good job of heating things up he tells me, that they can now survive the winter. What a wonderful thing this global warming is I thought - must have been invented by cats - far too clever for humans.

Old Black Tom did utter a word of caution though - if things carry on like this he said, all manner of other things might start moving in soon - he reckons something called an ostrich will be next, and do you know what, they are over eight foot tall. We will need to be a bit wary of these things he warned - not to be messed with. I can see what he means, after all, wouldn't they look daft perched on the telegraph wires and you wouldn't want to look up when one flew over would you - doesn't bear thinking about - and what about the size of birdtable. Apparently they have another strange habit - when they get worried they bury their heads in the sand! Personally I dive under the bed, but I suppose they are a bit too big for that.

I thought if all these other things start coming over here, we'll soon be full up. What will we do then? Perhaps we should start shipping things out to make room? Old Black Tom thought this was a very sound suggestion, and said the first thing he would unload were the dogs, as they serve no useful purpose. Seems a pretty good swap to me. I don't think an ostrich would be any more trouble than the snappy little Jack Russell that lives next door. I'd like to see the owner taking it for walkies though.

Well that's my lot for today. I will have to give this global warming lark a bit more thought. Not now though, it's all very taxing, and I think I need a nap. I had a bit of a scrape around in the muddy flowerbed before I went in, and as I walked across the kitchen floor, I heard "the one I don't trust" comment on the mess - I think he was referring to my carbon footprint, or should that be pawprint? Oh how I laughed! What a life! AlbertThe(environmentally sound)Cat.

Friday, 11 December 2009

Official – "It’s a Landslide…………………"

What a day – I’m glad you could join me. You’re just in time, we are going live to the count, where they are just about to make the declaration………

Old Black Tom has just come out on to the shed roof – “Quiet please, QUIET!!! By the powers invested in me by Bert, I Old Black Tom, the Returning Officer for the said constituency do solemnly swear that the votes cast for each candidate in the election were as follows:-
  • Ginger Tail – Stupid Sister Party - 6 votes
  • Tabby – Poncy Brother Party - 6 votes
  • Albert – Prawns For All Party - 56,000 votes
There was one spoiled and defaced ballot paper which cast aspersions on Bert’s parentage and insinuated that he might like to go on a long journey. It was thus disqualified. I therefore duly declare that Albert is elected as “the most cute and adorable cat” in the said constituency. I will now invite the candidates to say a few words. Ginger Tail, please step forward."Ginger Tail - “Thank you Old Black Tom - I would like to thank my election team and my supporters for a superb campaign. We will return to fight another day. I would like to say congratulations to Bert, but unfortunately I can’t. The whole election from start to finish was a complete sham…... Help!…… Let go of me!...... Put me down!…... Aaaghhhhhh!….."

Old Black Tom - “Well Ginger Tail, thank you for that, and also thank you to my two “deputy returning officers”, Mad Harry and Slasher Sid for assisting you from the stage. Now Tabby, have you anything to say?Tabby - “I most certainly have. However, my enthusiasm has suddenly waned. All I have to say is…. I demand a recount - Fix….. Fix…...Fix….. Fix….. Sorry, but I have to leave now!"

Old Black Tom - “Thank you Tabby, and may I say how impressed I was at the speed you left the shed roof. Mad Harry and Slasher Sid didn’t even have the chance to shake you warmly by the throat, sorry, paw I meant. However, I’m sure they will catch up with you later. I now call upon Albert to make his acceptance speechAlbert The Cat - “Thank you, thank you…… settle down please…… First of all, I would like to thank the returning officer, Old Black Tom, for the fair and scrupulous way in which he has discharged his duties, not forgetting the most efficient way his two deputies have also discharged theirs. Totally beyond reproach. If they would like to pop round the back of the shed afterwards, then they will receive my undying gratitude and a rather large portion of prawns. Next, I must mention my two opponents who fought honourable, but futile campaigns. For the record, it must be noted that both candidates forfeit their deposits due to their pitiful share of the vote. Even the ones they got were dubious, and could quite easily have been discounted on the grounds of hanging chards - whatever they may be. The last minute surge of two votes for Tabby was particularly dubious. However, I am feeling magnanimous, so we won’t quibble. Suffice is to say that Harry and Sid will be calling on them in the very near future to square the accounts, so to speak.My fellow cats – Ginger Tail is defeated, so is Tabby. Today I settled all family business so don't tell me that I’m not the cutest and most adorable cat. Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring a swift visit from Harry and Sid. And where there is despair, may we bring prawns.

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that our back garden is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of prawns for all is alive in our time ... who still questions the power of Old Black Tom and his henchman, tonight is your answer.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, prawns for all has become a reality
”.Well how about that. What more can I say. How lucky you must feel to be witness at one of the great moments in feline history. I’m off to celebrate. The party will go on until the early hours – we’ll be drinking from the puddles and passing the cat nip (I never inhale of course!). I will be taking a well deserved rest over the weekend. Look forward to seeing you all again on Monday. What a Life! AlbertThe(victorious)Cat.

Thursday, 10 December 2009

Take Time to Smell the Roses........

Just a quick post today. I am very busy. Voting closes this evening, and I have to ensure all my supporters have turned out. Not only that, but I have to finish off my victory speech for when the results are announced tomorrow - it is coming along really well, you certainly won't want to miss it. The final campaign rally went down a storm last night. There was a massive turn out of Old Black Tom, Quasimodo, a couple of mangy strays and next doors snappy little Jack Russell.

I decided to take the morning off from campaigning, especially when I saw the sun shining. After a pleasant breakfast of prawns and biscuits, I had just settled down for a nice nap on the shed roof, when lo and behold, "the one I don't trust" decided to do a bit of gardening, "a last tidy up of the year" I heard him say. I really could have done without it to be honest, but I thought I ought to keep an eye on things - supervise if you like, after all I know a bit about horticulture. Nothing like a good dig is there! He raked all the leaves up, chopped out some dead growth, and weeded the flower beds. Very good of him - it should make it a little easier for me to get to the young saplings for a spot of scratching.
Now comes the interesting bit - he had these six great big bags of the most foul, pungent stuff you could imagine. Not sure what it is, but it smells like the stuff pigs would be happy in, if you get my drift! "What's that awful pong" said Ginger Tail as she walked past with Tabby - "it reminds me of Bert's speech last night" said "my poncy brother". What can he have meant by that? Strong and powerful I expect. Anyway, "the one I don't trust" started spreading it all over the place, under the roses, digging it into the borders, the vegetable patch, and then would you believe he goes and puts some on his rhubarb - "why can't he have custard like everyone else" I thought - Oh how I laughed. Must write that one down, I might be able to use it in my victory speech!

There is a serious point here - it will soon be time for me to have a roll before lunch - no not ham roll, a roll and dig in the flower bed I mean. I have a very bad feeling that if I should go for a clean-up on the duvet afterwards, there may very well be severe consequences for him. Someone is likely to catch it in the neck from "the pretty one". Clearly he hasn't thought this through at all. Anyway, I have far more important things to worry about - it's his problem.

Well that's my lot for today. It's all I've got time for. Off to do a bit of last minute campaigning before the polls close. Don't forget, there is still time for you to vote for me. I hope to see you all again tomorrow to celebrate my pending victory. Once more for the last time - Yes we can..., Yes we can..., Yes we can..... What a Life! AlbertThe(horticultural)Cat.