Conciousness - the short time between naps....

I hope you are all well. I'm taking things very easy. I've decided I need a bit of a rest. Life has been hectic recently, what with the Christmas festivities, our esteemed visitors, the prestigious award, nearly getting a knighthood, and then to cap it all the damn snow. It's cold and slushy outside, so I have taken to my bed. No point in pushing yourself to the limits is there. I mean, hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? If a thing is worth doing, then someone else will have done it already, so best leave it to them."My stupid sister" reckons I am just being lazy, but how little she knows. Being a well educated cat, I have of course studied Physics - whatever that is. Anyway, did you know that one of the laws of dynamics, or something similar, is that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Makes sense therefore to use as little of it as possible. I'm all in favour of conservation. While we are addressing such matters, another important law of Physics that I wholeheartedly agree with is that a body will remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of a refrigerator door.So you can see, there is a lot more to all this loafing around than meets the eye. It can be quite tiring. I wonder if "the housekeeping staff" would bring my meals to my bed - not much to ask is it. Perhaps if I let them stroke me, I mean,they do say there is no such thing as a free lunch. Personally I have never bought in to that daft idea - there is around here, as well as free breakfast, free dinner, free supper and free snacks. Quite right too. The staff should realise by now how lucky they are to have me.Well that's my lot for today. I'm going back to sleep. Hope I wake up in time for my tea. I expect I will - after all, us cats still know what is going on even when we appear to be out like a light. Oh yes, we are always alert, nothing gets past me. "Tea was served up over an hour ago." "Who said that" I asked. "Me" said Tabby, "you were asleep, we didn't like to wake you." Oh how he laughed. I hate him I really do. What a life! AlbertThe(sleepy but alert)Cat.

2010 - What's it all about?

Well, here we are then. The New Year has arrived. Doesn't seem much different to the last one does it? Can't understand what all the fuss was about. Still, it's good to get back in the old routine. "The one I don't trust" took all the Christmas decorations down this morning. There is a definite case of double standards around here - during the last fortnight when I have pulled a few things off the Christmas Tree, I have been shouted at and chased out. This morning, he takes the whole lot down and nothing is said. I had got quite use to the tree - the little silver balls especially. I never did manage to get the strange fellow dressed in red with the white beard off of the top - not for want of trying though. The poor old tree is back out in the garden - a very sorry site, it is virtually bald - all the pointy bits fell off on to the lounge floor. Very painful when they stick in your paws. I think he has swept most of them up, but no doubt "the pretty one" will find a few he has missed!

Our esteemed visitors, the pretty one's mother and father, departed yesterday. I thought they were here to stay. I kept them on their toes by being quite friendly towards them - I could see how surprised and unsettled this made them feel - reverse psychology I think they call it - no idea what it means. Anyway, the most important thing is that the settee by the window upon which they appeared to take root, is now vacated and available again to my good self for my occasional naps. The only real downside, was that "the one I don't trust" spent so much time running around and looking after them, he neglected his primary duties, which as we all know involve caring for me and keeping me well supplied with prawns. Anyway, things were back to normal this morning - prawns on time, mind you I could have managed a few more.
I haven't got a clue what to write about today. All bound to be an anti-climax, a bit after the Lord Mayor's show really after recent triumphs - the richly deserved award for the blog and very nearly getting a mention in the New years Honours List. I think I will have to wait for the Queen's Birthday Honours for the inevitable knighthood - do you know we share the same birthdays - well near enough. One thing is for sure, I won't be letting any of you lot in on it after one of you blew the gaff last week.

Now, as we all need something to cheer us up, I thought we would do another agony column later in the week - always good for a laugh. The last one went down a storm, apart from in Manchester where poor George is still under the bed hiding from the mice. Apparently he now thinks he is an elephant! Well, you can't win them all. So, what I want you to do, is to send me in your personal problems and I will do my best to answer them for you. Remember, the more embarrassing, the better. I may even reply to dog questions, although having said that, I will probably be overwhelmed - what a mixed up bunch they are. Send your questions via the "comment" link at the bottom of this dry old posting, or via the good offices of Twitter - @AlbertTheCat or via Facebook - Albert Cat.

Well that's my lot for today. Before I go, I thought I would tell you a little story to show just how perceptive my counselling work can be. "The one I don't trust" was complaining of feeling unwell the other day - a ringing in the ears apparently. They don't have a clue do they - no one thought to ask the obvious question - "does it stop when you answer the phone?" What a Life! AlbertThe(very perceptive)Cat.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life………..

How are we all then? Hope you survived the festivities. What a let down they turned out to be. Do you know that most of those presents round our tree weren't for me after all. Most of them were for the damn housekeeping staff. What did I get you all ask – a little fishing rod type thing with a tinsel covered mouse on the end of a bit of string. Apparently I am supposed to chase it and get excited when they dangle it in front of me. I could hardly contain myself!

What a depressing state of affairs. Weather is rotten, dark most of the day, housekeeping staff miserable as sin, roll on Spring. I think I am suffering from the post-Christmas blues. This set me thinking – don’t sound so surprised – I do occasionally, why do most of us feel down at this time of year?
I did some research on the internet and I am correct - statistically this is the most depressing time of year – in fact as far as suicides are concerned, then this is definitely the most popular time to top yourself – if you are that way inclined of course. Now, us cats don’t really go along with suicide. Probably because we have nine lives. I expect feeding time would arrive before we even got past attempt three, and we would lose interest. Anyway, these humans are a strange lot.

Guess what I have discovered from the statistics:-

• Christmas is the most popular time for suicides, mm.... not sure if popular is the right word, but you get my drift – I suppose you can understand it, if people are on their own they may get a bit down.
  
  
• Sunday evening is the most popular time of week – people depressed about going back to work after the weekend I expect.
  
  
• Scandinavia has a higher prevalence that any where else. Not surprised, apparently it does not get light during the winter. All very gloomy.
  
  
• The veterinary profession is more prone to it than any other – I reckon this is because they have a chip on their shoulder about being failed medics, and also it is easy for them to do it – one quick jab and Bob's your uncle! People with low self esteem are always putting themselves down, so to speak – just my little joke! Now, compare this with say, a carpenter – by the time he had got half way through sawing his head off, he would probably have lost the enthusiasm. Not exactly quick and painless is it?

I know this is a morbid subject, but in this post-Christmas period, it is most appropriate don't you think. My mind started wandering and I came up with an interesting thought - what would happen if they had a Veterinary Convention in Norway in December, when Christmas fell on a Sunday – I ask you? A real bundle of laughs that would be - they would be collecting them up in wheelbarrows on Boxing Day.
Well that’s my lot for today - I will leave you to ponder on that chilling thought. Do you know, while I was doing my research, I went to the library and asked if they would lend me a book on suicide – they said no, on account that I wouldn’t bring it back! Oh how they laughed! Another of my little jokes. What a life! AlbertThe(very morose)Cat.

Bert's Christmas Message...

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

Quite right too - no self respecting mouse would wander around here. Well, here we are then, Christmas Eve. The big day has almost arrived. I have just sent "the housekeeping staff" out to get last minute provisions - prawns and cat biscuits I expect. I hope they use their initiative and get me a special treat - half a side of fresh salmon would be quite acceptable. They have taken our esteemed visitors with them, so that they can buy me something. I'm looking forward to opening all my presents tomorrow.

Now it's at times like this, that we should count our blessings and remember those less well off than ourselves - dogs for instance. No, just my little joke, we don't give a damn about them. What I am really getting at is those cats whose staff have neglected them and gone away for the holiday period. These poor creatures will by now be banged up in catteries. I know from personal experience how awful this can be. A few years ago me, Tabby and Ginger Tail were dispatched unceremoniously to Camp Colditz for a whole week over Christmas, while the staff went off and enjoyed themselves. "Poor Bert" I hear you cry.

What a week that was - confined to our cell 24 hours a day, starvation rations, slopping out morning and night, and lights off at 8PM sharp. The picture below shows us just starting our sentence. So you cats out there who have been deserted, you have my sympathy. If I was you, I would spend the time plotting your revenge - shredding the furniture, hairballs on the carpet, dead mice under the bed - you know the sort of thing. All you poor imprisoned pussy cats - rest assured that while we are tucking in to our prawns and fresh salmon, and laying in front of a nice warm fire, we will be thinking of you if we remember.
Christmas is a time of peace and goodwill to all cats, except "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" of course. Christmas is a time for giving. Not just the nice presents that I hope you have all bought for me, but what I really mean is our favourite charities. Take for example the Cats Protection people - what magnificent work they do finding homes for stray cats. You should all search your consciouses and consider taking in a poor homeless moggy. I would myself, but obviously we are overcrowded here already. We had one of these charity people knock on our door the other day just after some of the Christmas decorations had mysteriously been pulled down - "I'm collecting for the local cats home" he said. The one that I don't trust replied tersely "I've got three you can have!". Wonder what he meant by that? Three bags of money I expect - he can be quite generous at times.

Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to get stuck in to the festivities. Before I go though I would like to thank my legions of readers, all five of you, for your support. I hope you all have a very Happy Christmas. I will return after the holiday. What a life! AlbertThe(philosophical)Cat.

Look at all my Presents!!!!

I've had a very busy day, so not had time to do a proper blog - I'm sure you understand!. Our esteemed visitors have arrived - "the pretty one's" mother and father. I decided to go against my natural instincts and be friendly towards them - I have even let the mother stroke me. She seemed to enjoy it. As Christmas is a time for giving presents I thought this might stand me in good stead - I wonder what she has got for me.

I've mounted guard on the Christmas tree after my dire warnings yesterday. Do you know what has happened? Lots of brightly coloured presents have appeared underneath it. Naturally I assumed they were all for me, but on closer inspection, some are for "the housekeeping staff" would you believe. Probably wrongly labelled.

Well that's my lot for today. I will be back tomorrow - if time permits, with my Christmas message. What is Santa going to bring me? What a life! AlbertThe(expectant)Cat.

Christmas - Bah Humbug!!!

Good morning one and all, well it might not be so good. Things were going well, I thought I had a fine new toy, but now I’m not so sure. Let’s take a step back to last Friday. Regular readers will know that a scruffy old pine tree appeared in the lounge. As I predicted, “the housekeeping staff” decorated it over the weekend. It is covered in all manner of shiny things, lights and dangly balls. When you give them a good clout with your paw, the whole thing shakes and the staff get very agitated. All good fun. There is even a strange little fellow dressed in red with a white beard sitting on top. I haven’t managed to knock him off yet. “My poncy brother” reckons he can climb up to get at him. I am encouraging him to have a go. Just to be on the safe side, I think I will make myself scarce when he makes his attempt.

NOW PAY ATTENTION all of you because this is very serious - I believe there is a major conspiracy afoot. The humans are planning to get rid of us cats. Surely not I hear you cry - but sadly it is true, and after all we've done for them! I heard the staff talking about ways to “cat-proof” the tree. This is all very worrying – there appear to be lots of hazards. I say again, all you cats out there need to pay attention here, it gets a bit scary. Apparently tinsel is very bad for us when we eat it – why on earth I would want to eat bits of silver paper I don't know – they must think I am as daft as they are. Now if they hung prawns all over the tree, then that would be a different matter all together. They have read somewhere that cats don’t like orange peel and that if they put it round the bottom of the tree, then the smell will repel us. Have you ever heard such rubbish in your life. I bet they never asked a cat for an opinion. If they really want to use smells to keep us away, they should ask Mad Harry and Slasher Sid. When they leave smells around, most cats who have any regard for their own safety steer well clear – if they know what’s good for them! They should bottle the stuff and sell it – they’ll make a fortune.
It gets worse - there are lights on the tree, and if we chew through the wires, we get frazzled! Many of the little toys on the tree are made of something called chocolate. Despite “the pretty one” being addicted to the stuff, it can be poisonous to us cats. The tree is in a little stand, with water in the bottom. We must not drink this water because nasty stuff comes out of the tree that makes us barf! In addition to the tree, they have also bought in prickly twigs covered in red berries called Holly, and apparently the berries are poisonous to cats. What are they up to? I can only come to one conclusion - they are out to get us.
As you now see, this Christmas lark is not all it is cracked up to be – I reckon it is a deliberate attempt to get rid of us – a major conspiracy in fact. What a good job I have rumbled their little plan. Spread the word - we need to be on our guard. Personally I plan to knock our tree over at the earliest opportunity. I think you should all do the same.

Well that’s my lot for today. I hope you cats have taken heed of my warnings. If you've still got nine lives left, then you may want to take a chance, but if like me you've been around a bit, so to speak, then you need to take great care out there! What a life! AlbertThe(not so festive)Cat.

Christmas Trees - Beware!

Hello folks - first of all I must apologise for not writing a blog today. I have been very busy. As we thought, the Christmas tree, or scratching post as I prefer to think of it, was decorated over the weekend and is now covered with lots of sparkly toys. What fun I've had. The "housekeeping staff" don't appear to share my joy but then I've always thought they were a miserable pair, especially "the one I don't trust". He gets really touchy every time I go near the thing - not that I care. However, I have just had a bit of a shock - I've overheard them talking and apparently Christmas trees can be very hazardous to us cats!!!! So, you will quite understand why I can't stay around here today chatting to you lot. I'm off to do some research. I will be back tomorrow with a full report on the situation. All you cats out there will need to read it! I'd hate you to lose any of your nine lives.Well that's it for today. You can see from the picture that I am spending some time thinking before knuckling down to my research. No point in rushing in to things. What a dangerous life! AlbertThe(playful)Cat.

Tis the Season to be Jolly............

Hello again. Last day of the week. You'll all be pleased to know that when I looked out into the garden this morning there was not a polar bear in sight. What a relief. Even though the snow seems to be disappearing - I still haven't worked out where it goes by the way, I don't think we should let our guard down just yet.

Strange things going on round here today, "the housekeeping staff" have started to bring the garden into the house! Fancy that. The scruffy old pine tree that he acquired a few days ago is now in the lounge. Whenever I bring bits of the garden indoors, mud, grass, etc.. I get shouted at, and now he brings a whole tree inside and nothing is said. I think it has a lot to do with this Christmas thing they keep going on about. Two big boxes have appeared from the loft, full of sparkly silver things, brightly coloured baubles and strings of flashing lights. Now if I'm not mistaken, at the weekend, they intend to hang all this stuff on the tree. Imagine, an indoor scratching post covered with lots of new toys. I can see endless hours of amusement ahead. Perhaps this Christmas lark won't be so bad after all. I'm getting quite excited.

As I'm not really sure what Christmas is all about, I went and spoke to Wise Old Black Tom, the fount of all knowledge. He told me that many years ago, a little baby boy called Santa was born in a stable. "Why was he born in a stable" I asked. "Because all the hotels were full up on account of it being Christmas" he said. What a clever cat, he knows everything. What happened next I hear you ask. Well, three blind mice, I think he said three blind mice, bearing gifts, followed a shining star, and it led them to the stable where the new born child was laying in a manger. I got a bit confused at this point, as its difficult to imagine blind mice following a star. Perhaps they had guide dogs. I wonder what presents they took with them - cheese I expect.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, this is the reason why we celebrate Christmas every year. Now anything that involves receiving presents can't be all bad. I wonder what "the housekeeping staff" will get me? A great big box of prawns I hope. I must be very difficult to buy for - I mean to say what do you get the cat who has got everything? I asked Old Black Tom whether I needed to get presents for "my stupid sister" or "my poncy brother". He said that cats don't usually give presents to other cats, but it was traditional in these parts to give a small token of appreciation to black cats, just for good luck you understand. "A few prawns are usually quite acceptable" he said. Now, I never realised that, and guess who is the only black cat I know - yes you're right, Old Black Tom. Isn't it a good job he told me.
Well that's the lot for today, and in fact for this week. Looks like it could be a busy weekend round here. Hopefully by the time we meet up again on Monday the indoor scratching post will be on display in all it's glory! I can't wait to get my Santa Claws into it - Ho Ho Ho!!! Don't forget now, keep your eyes open for polar bears. What a life! AlbertThe(Festive)Cat.