Albert The Great........

Welcome back. I'm still glowing in the success of my award earlier in the week, when I was voted the greatest cat of all time in the entire universe, or something like that. Firstly today, I'd like to thank all those who have sent notes congratulating me on my success. However, words are cheap, and the lack of prawns has been duly noted! Anyway, in my current benevolent mood, I am prepared to forgive this oversight.

My new found celebrity status set me thinking. "I wouldn't do that if I were you, there's no telling where it will end!" Who said that, how rude. Perhaps I am the greatest cat that has ever lived! Only one thing for it, I will go and have a word with wise Old Black Tom. I found him in his usual place, asleep on the back wall. He is a very clever cat, the fount of all knowledge in fact - there is nothing he does not know. "Who are you?" he asked. That's a good start I thought. "It's me Bert" I said. "Correct!" he replied. See, I told you, not much gets past him. "I would like to know, if I am the most famous Albert of all time" I asked. "A very good question" he said as he dozed off. I gave him a nudge and repeated the question. He sat up and sucked on a thoughtful tooth for what seemed like ages. "No" he said and dozed off again.When he woke up, he looked around and said "are you still here?" He mumbled something to himself about there being no peas for the wicked. I can only assume he had been dreaming, because I know full well that us cats are not very partial to peas. "I will tell you about other famous Alberts" he said, somewhat reluctantly. What stories he had to tell. I listened intently. Eventually he finished and said that his invoice for half a dozen prawns for the consultancy would be with me shortly, via the good offices of Mad Marry and Slasher Sid. Apparently, they now list accountancy amongst the many other useful services they offer.

Now, if you lot out there pay attention, I will tell you a little of what Old Black Tom said. You will have to bear with me a bit, because it got a bit complicated, and I can't remember some of the details, but I will do my best to fill in the gaps. First of all, there was Albert Einstein. Not quite sure what he did, but he did have lots of relatives, I think Tom said relatives. Yes, it must have been relatives, because I know for a fact he had a very famous bother called Frank who was rather a mixed up character.

Next, there was an Albert in the 12th century who made a living from cleaning out medieval fireplaces, he was known as Albert The Great. What do you mean, you saw that one coming! He also went by the name of St Albertus Magnus, one of the most universal thinkers of the middle ages, often referred to as "teacher of everything there is to know." Most appropriate don't you think. A bit like Old Tom.A bit closer to home, there was a German chap called Albert Hall who married Queen Victoria. He was so famous, they even named a big round building in London after him. The name of the building escapes me for the moment. Herr Hall is not a very German sounding name is it? Reminds me of another German chap who opened a barbers shop - Herr Dryer was his name! "Boo, Boo, rotten joke." What, who said that? Oh no it's Tabby, my poncy brother, what does he want. "Clear off." He's just jealous I mean, you can't imagine there being any famous Tabbys can you! "What about Garfield and Puss in Boots then?" That's the final straw, "go on clear off, I won't tell you again." What a cheek, now where were we? Oh yes, the name Albert originates from Germany, and means noble bright and famous - I'm not making this up you know.

Well, that's my lot for today. All this thinking is making my brain hurt. I don't know if we're any the wiser after all that. I didn't realise there were so many famous Berts. One other I've just remembered, Albert the astronaut was the first monkey in space - 1948 apparently, just before ten to eight in the evening. No idea how he got there! Must have climbed a very tall tree I suppose. What a Life! AlbertThe(not so famous)Cat.

The Award Winning Bert.........

Good day to you all, and what a momentous day it is too. You are all very fortunate to be joining me on such an occasion. You'll never guess what has happened. I've won a gong. The highly respected Anipal Academy have seen fit to bestow upon my good self, the award for "Favourite Blog" and best looking cat (they forgot to mention this bit - presumably there was insufficient room for the inscription) 2010. One can only admire the sound judgement and good taste of such an august body. You can see further details on their website, along with a list of winners of the lesser prizes - CLICK HERE.

Now, before I continue, you have all probably noticed the error with the trophy. It purports to show a cats paw, but as we all know, pure bred feral cats like what I am, have six toes. Still, just this once, I think we can overlook the slight.

Unfortunately I could not attend the international award ceremony in person due to a minor visa problem. I need a rabies jab to get back into the country and I can assure you that's not happening for anybody! I was there in spirit if not body. I will tell you how all this came about. Well, I received a communication from the awards committee telling me of their decision, and that the trophy was en route. I instructed the one I don't trust to keep a look out for the postman.

Being absolutely useless, he wasn't at home when it arrived. You can see why I don't trust him. Those faceless sons of fun from the Royal Mail put a little card through the door. Apparently the trophy was so big it would not fit through the letterbox. Anyway, when the one I don't trust returned home, I immediately sent him to collect it. Three days later he decided to make the effort - he really is a hopeless case. Eventually, he returned with a rather modest box addressed to me. It had come all the way from a small place called Canada - no idea where that is. The one I don't trust reckons it is a frozen wasteland inhabited by polar bears and Eskimos. That reminds me, did I tell you about the Eskimo who came face to face with a polar bear? Scared stiff of being eaten, he went down on his knees and started to pray. To his amazement, the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too. "It's a miracle!" shouted the Eskimo. The polar bear opened one eye and said "Don't talk while I'm saying grace." Ho Ho Ho..... I digress, sorry about that.I carefully opened the box, and I reckon the one I don't trust was right, Canada must be a cold place - the box was full of bits of white stuff that I can only assume was snow! Perhaps they've included some frozen prawns I thought.When we finished unwrapping it I searched frantically for the prawns, but to no avail. Despite the anticlimax, I decided that I should have my picture taken for posterity. We adjourned to the garden for the photo shoot and that poncy brother of mine turned up. You should have seen the look on his face. His eyes were green with envy. "My eyes are always green" said Tabby. "That's beside the point." I replied. "Surely you've not won this for that awful drivel you write" he said jealously. "Indeed I have" I said proudly, "and let me tell you this, that drivel I write is highly articulate and witty I'll have you know." That shut him up and he wandered off shaking his head - he finds it hard to argue with a cat with the intellect of like what I've got.Anyway, we finally got round to the official photograph which you can see above. Limited edition signed copies are available for a very reasonable consideration of half a dozen prawns.I suppose it is beholden upon me on this auspicious occasion to say a few words. Regular readers will know that one of the greatest acceptance speeches of recent times was delivered at the Oscars at the end of last year - CLICK HERE for a full transcript. So, I won't bother with all the usual rubbish. No onions round the neck and floods of tears, etc....... So, here goes:-

"My Lords, Ladies, Gentlemen, Cats, and I suppose I have to include dogs, apart from that nasty little Jack Russell that lives next door, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, let me say that the award is a well deserved recognition for the pearls of wisdom that I regularly bestow upon you lot.

"To keep in their good books, I must thank the Academy for recognizing great literary talent like what I've got. At this stage, I should also offer thanks to others who have helped make this moment possible, but I can't think of any. A passing mention is in order to the one I don't trust for the occasional prawn, and for the pretty one for keeping him in order. As for my poncy brother and stupid sister, I just hope they realise how lucky they are to have me looking after them.

"Finally, a big thank you to my readers for their loyal support - all three of you. To finish, I accept this belated and thoroughly merited award with all the modesty you would expect from a superstar like what I am. You make me feel very humble - whatever that means. Good night and God bless"

"Blimey, it's really gone to his head." Who said that - it's that Tabby again. Jealousy is a terrible thing - just ignore him. "Not surprised it's gone to his head, there's plenty of room in there for it!" I don't believe it, that stupid sister of mine has turned up now - ignore her as well! The things I have to put up with.Well, that's your lot for today. I'm off for a well earned rest - I need to recharge the batteries so I can return later in the week to offer more subtle insights from the feline world. Do you know, sometimes, I just don't know where I get them from - often I can't wait to wake up in the morning just to find out what I am going to say next. What a Life! AlbertThe(modest and humble)Cat.

Star of Stage and Screen......Possibly!

What a lousy day! I hope the weather is better where you are - it is tipping down here. Most unpleasant. I have hardly been out of the house. I would consider moving to warmer climes, if only I knew where they were.

Me and Tabby were rudely awoken at the crack of lunchtime by "the one I don't trust." Crashing and banging about he was, as he struggled to get the cat boxes out from the back of the cupboard. He was using some very choice language, when he thumped, what he laughingly calls his head, on a shelf. "Ow" he said, followed by some further words I've never heard before. Oh how I laughed! This is all part of the preparation for our trip tomorrow to see "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year."We better not let them see the boxes" he said, "or they will realise something is wrong." I give up on him I really do. It's a pity they haven't got a vaccine for stupidity - if they had, we could get him done while we're there tomorrow. I've decided to ignore the whole shabby proceedings for the time being although I still intend to make things as difficult as possible for him.Due to the rotten weather, I've spent some time watching telly recently. I saw an episode of Postman Pat, starring Jess, the black and white cat. I could have played that part, it was made for me. Never mind, I wonder if they need a stunt double? There was an old Tom and Jerry cartoon. That Tom is the same colour as me, and lets be honest here - he is useless. The damn mouse runs rings round him. He even comes off second best with the dog, Spike, that lives next door. Surely they could have got a more clued up cat. If they ever do a remake, I must be in the frame for the lead role - Bert and Jerry, has a nice ring to it don't you think.Do you know, I reckon the same dumb cat that plays Tom, also plays Sylvester in the long running feud with Tweety Pie. He looks a bit like me as well. "I tort I saw a puddy tat....." well, let me tell you, that silly little yellow bird wouldn't see me coming! "Thufferin' Thuccotash" indeed! I think us black and white cats get a raw deal you know - why are we always portrayed as being stupid and gullible. "What do you mean, very life-like! Who said that?" How rude. It is discrimination, that's what it is. Even Scratchy loses out to Itchy. We need some positive role models? I think I should put myself forward, after all, a film of the life story of a literary cat, like what I am, is bound to be a blockbuster. I could write the screenplay myself, and play the lead role. I can see it now, the bright lights, the red carpet covered in cat hair, the Oscars, what ever they are, celebrity interviews.........

Well that's my lot for today. I have lots to do. I wonder which film studio would be interested - 20th Century Puss, or Purramount. It would have to be filmed in black and white of course, Ho Ho Ho... What a life! AlbertThe(star struck)Cat.

Conciousness - the short time between naps....

I hope you are all well. I'm taking things very easy. I've decided I need a bit of a rest. Life has been hectic recently, what with the Christmas festivities, our esteemed visitors, the prestigious award, nearly getting a knighthood, and then to cap it all the damn snow. It's cold and slushy outside, so I have taken to my bed. No point in pushing yourself to the limits is there. I mean, hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? If a thing is worth doing, then someone else will have done it already, so best leave it to them."My stupid sister" reckons I am just being lazy, but how little she knows. Being a well educated cat, I have of course studied Physics - whatever that is. Anyway, did you know that one of the laws of dynamics, or something similar, is that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Makes sense therefore to use as little of it as possible. I'm all in favour of conservation. While we are addressing such matters, another important law of Physics that I wholeheartedly agree with is that a body will remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of a refrigerator door.So you can see, there is a lot more to all this loafing around than meets the eye. It can be quite tiring. I wonder if "the housekeeping staff" would bring my meals to my bed - not much to ask is it. Perhaps if I let them stroke me, I mean,they do say there is no such thing as a free lunch. Personally I have never bought in to that daft idea - there is around here, as well as free breakfast, free dinner, free supper and free snacks. Quite right too. The staff should realise by now how lucky they are to have me.Well that's my lot for today. I'm going back to sleep. Hope I wake up in time for my tea. I expect I will - after all, us cats still know what is going on even when we appear to be out like a light. Oh yes, we are always alert, nothing gets past me. "Tea was served up over an hour ago." "Who said that" I asked. "Me" said Tabby, "you were asleep, we didn't like to wake you." Oh how he laughed. I hate him I really do. What a life! AlbertThe(sleepy but alert)Cat.

Arise Sir Bert..............

..........."Albert, it is very good of you to make time to come and see me today. I have rescheduled this investiture to fit in with your busy schedule. I realise that if you had come any earlier you would have missed your breakfast prawns. My husband and I would not want to impose on such an important event," said The Queen.

"I am most deeply obliged Your Majesty," I replied.

"Now, we must get down to business" said The Queen. "I have a load of riff-raff lined up outside waiting for their gongs. If you would be so kind as to kneel on the cushion, we can begin".

"For outstanding services in the field of feline literature and for keeping the palace mouse population under control, Albert is duly appointed to the order of Knight of the Bath - he could certainly do with one, just my little joke" said The Queen. "Arise Sir Albert The Cat"

"Be careful with that sword, you could have my ear off" I said.

"Now that the formalities are out of the way, can we have a quiet word Bert - you don't mind if I call you Bert do you?" The Queen said.

"Not at all Ma'am" I replied.

"I am getting fed up with these pesky corgis running around all over the palace and yapping away. I am thinking of getting rid of them and replacing them with a whole load of cats. What do you think Bert?"

"Well Your Majesty, in my humble opinion it is an excellent idea," I said.

"I'm glad you agree," said The Queen. "I will get on to it first thing in the morning, and I would like to offer you, Sir Bert, the position of First Royal Cat - what have you got to say to that?"

"I am deeply honoured Your Majesty" I replied.

"You will of course have permanent residence in Buckingham Palace, and have your very own staff from the Royal Household. All of your living expenses will be covered, and there will be unlimited prawns. One further thing, I tell you this in strictest confidence you understand, I am very disappointed with my offspring - a bunch of wasters - I am thinking of disinheriting them. I would like to make you heir to the throne - King Albert The First, what do you think of that?" said The Queen.

"Before I accept, there are a couple of things. Firstly, "my poncy brother", and "stupid sister" can I put them in The Tower?" I asked.

"Good idea" said The Queen, "I do it all the time to people who get on my nerves. Lord Lucan is still in there, sharing a cell with Shergar - do you know I had a win-double riding on that horse and he came in third!".

"Excellent" I said. "What about my current housekeeping staff - they are fairly inept, but I have grown strangely fond of them. They would be lost without me. Perhaps you could find a menial position for "the pretty one" in the kitchen, and as for "the one I don't trust", well it is hard to know what to suggest - perhaps something with a shovel in the Royal Stables?"

"No problem at all," said The Queen, "I will get Philip on the job tomorrow."

"In that case I accept" I said.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.................. "arise Sir Bert,....... arise Sir Bert,........ wake up Sir Bert,....... wake up you stupid cat,.......... wake up you idiot"................. said Tabby, "King Albert indeed - you have been dreaming again".
Surely not - it was all a dream. I'm here laying in my bed with that "poncy brother" of mine pushing his way in. Oh what a disappointment. I didn't even get a mention in The New Years Honours List can you believe. Must be one of you lot not being able to keep the little secret I let you in on yesterday. I won't trust you again!

Well that's my lot. I always thought I had royal blood in my veins - not sure how it got there. All that remains, is to wish all of you a very happy and prosperous new year. What a Life! AlbertThe(not so very regal)Cat.