Albert The Great........

Welcome back. I'm still glowing in the success of my award earlier in the week, when I was voted the greatest cat of all time in the entire universe, or something like that. Firstly today, I'd like to thank all those who have sent notes congratulating me on my success. However, words are cheap, and the lack of prawns has been duly noted! Anyway, in my current benevolent mood, I am prepared to forgive this oversight.

My new found celebrity status set me thinking. "I wouldn't do that if I were you, there's no telling where it will end!" Who said that, how rude. Perhaps I am the greatest cat that has ever lived! Only one thing for it, I will go and have a word with wise Old Black Tom. I found him in his usual place, asleep on the back wall. He is a very clever cat, the fount of all knowledge in fact - there is nothing he does not know. "Who are you?" he asked. That's a good start I thought. "It's me Bert" I said. "Correct!" he replied. See, I told you, not much gets past him. "I would like to know, if I am the most famous Albert of all time" I asked. "A very good question" he said as he dozed off. I gave him a nudge and repeated the question. He sat up and sucked on a thoughtful tooth for what seemed like ages. "No" he said and dozed off again.When he woke up, he looked around and said "are you still here?" He mumbled something to himself about there being no peas for the wicked. I can only assume he had been dreaming, because I know full well that us cats are not very partial to peas. "I will tell you about other famous Alberts" he said, somewhat reluctantly. What stories he had to tell. I listened intently. Eventually he finished and said that his invoice for half a dozen prawns for the consultancy would be with me shortly, via the good offices of Mad Marry and Slasher Sid. Apparently, they now list accountancy amongst the many other useful services they offer.

Now, if you lot out there pay attention, I will tell you a little of what Old Black Tom said. You will have to bear with me a bit, because it got a bit complicated, and I can't remember some of the details, but I will do my best to fill in the gaps. First of all, there was Albert Einstein. Not quite sure what he did, but he did have lots of relatives, I think Tom said relatives. Yes, it must have been relatives, because I know for a fact he had a very famous bother called Frank who was rather a mixed up character.

Next, there was an Albert in the 12th century who made a living from cleaning out medieval fireplaces, he was known as Albert The Great. What do you mean, you saw that one coming! He also went by the name of St Albertus Magnus, one of the most universal thinkers of the middle ages, often referred to as "teacher of everything there is to know." Most appropriate don't you think. A bit like Old Tom.A bit closer to home, there was a German chap called Albert Hall who married Queen Victoria. He was so famous, they even named a big round building in London after him. The name of the building escapes me for the moment. Herr Hall is not a very German sounding name is it? Reminds me of another German chap who opened a barbers shop - Herr Dryer was his name! "Boo, Boo, rotten joke." What, who said that? Oh no it's Tabby, my poncy brother, what does he want. "Clear off." He's just jealous I mean, you can't imagine there being any famous Tabbys can you! "What about Garfield and Puss in Boots then?" That's the final straw, "go on clear off, I won't tell you again." What a cheek, now where were we? Oh yes, the name Albert originates from Germany, and means noble bright and famous - I'm not making this up you know.

Well, that's my lot for today. All this thinking is making my brain hurt. I don't know if we're any the wiser after all that. I didn't realise there were so many famous Berts. One other I've just remembered, Albert the astronaut was the first monkey in space - 1948 apparently, just before ten to eight in the evening. No idea how he got there! Must have climbed a very tall tree I suppose. What a Life! AlbertThe(not so famous)Cat.

The Answer is Blowing in the Wind.............

Hey man - what day is it? What's happened? Where am I? Where have I been? I've lost a couple of days. I feel terrible. My head feels like it's full of cotton wool. "No change there then." Who said that? Oh no, it's only Tabby, that poncy brother of mine. He's the last thing I need today. I'll ignore him.

Ah now, wait a minute, things are starting to become clearer. The last thing I remember is dozing in the evening sun. The one I don't trust was sitting talking to the pretty one. He had a little pot in his hand which he had brought back from the garden centre. "They'll like that" she said, "it says on the label that it attracts cats." He seemed less than enthused. "Attracts cats! We've already got three of the damn things" he said, "how many more do you want?" She gave him one of her looks! He is very ungrateful at times, after all he doesn't have to live in my house if he doesn't want to.He looked around the garden wondering where he should plant it. After a long and thoughtful deliberation, he came up with three or four well reasoned proposals and they discussed the merits of each in great detail. It was then decided by a show of hands, well her hand anyway, that it should be planted somewhere completely different. The pretty one went indoors, and muttering under his breath, he fetched the trowel, dug a little hole and planted it. He watered it, and then followed her indoors.

I decided to investigate. The label from the pot was lying on the path - "Catmint" it read. Catmint, Catmint - that's the same as Catnip! Surely not I thought, my very own supply of Catnip. I usually have to pay Mad Harry and Slasher Sid half a dozen prawns for just a few leaves. They control the local supply you see, and that's the going rate in these parts. I sniffed the plant, and gradually things started to get a bit hazy. I felt light headed. Way out man! I chewed on the leaves, and before I knew it I was humming old Grateful Dead songs. No idea who they are? Well, after that it's all a bit of a blur.I vaguely recall sitting on the back wall wearing a flower behind my ear, with two pink elephants and a unicorn, discussing the meaning of life - don't know where they came from, I've not seen them round here before. I also tried to fly - I was very good at the going down bit, but I think the going up needs more practice. I remember nothing else until I woke up a little while ago. I must have had a psychedelic experience - whatever one of those is. Let this sorry little tale be a warning to you other cats out there. Lay off the catnip - no good will come of it. Remember, just say no!
Well, that's my lot for today. Think I'll get rid of temptation, and dig that plant up. Dig it man. Ho Ho Ho... Must be careful not to trip. Ho Ho Ho... It looks like a weed anyway. Ho Ho Ho... "That's enough rotten puns." What? It's that Tabby again! Just ignore him. I still don't feel too good you know - probably cold turkey, cold turkey, mmmmmmmmm.... I'm really hungry. Do you know how many hippies it take to change a light bulb? Six, one to change the bulb, and five to share the experience man!!!! Peace and love to all, except Tabby. What a Life! AlbertThe(zonked out)Cat.

Dining Out!

Hello again. I don't know where the time goes, it's Monday again. They seem to come round every week. I don't like Mondays. Although they are much the same as every other day for a cat of leisure like myself, the housekeeping staff are always more crabby than usual. They were getting on my nerves this morning, so much so, that I was up and out as soon as possible, stopping only for a light breakfast of prawns and biscuits.

I wandered along the back wall, and peered over into the garden next door. The snappy little Jack Russell came scampering up and said "meow!" I think he must be learning a foreign language - Ho Ho Ho, just one of my little jokes. Seriously though, he hasn't been quite the same since his highly amusing encounter with Riley. Talking of Riley, I wonder where he has got to. I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since he moved in. I went to investigate. As we know, it is hard to miss Riley, he is the size of a small lion. His house was still there, but no sign of Riley. After a while, I heard a terrible kerfuffle, whatever one of those is, coming from inside the house. Much hissing and spitting was interspersed with the most appalling language. The back door was flung open, and much to my amazement, Riley came out with his head held high, but unfortunately, his feet were held even higher. He landed in an untidy heap on the garden path. You can only admire the strength of his owner, how such a small woman managed to pick him up, let alone chuck him out is a considerable feat. Riley looked back, gave a defiant growl and strolled down the path."Where have you been recently" I asked. "She trapped me" he replied, "I've been confined to barracks. She's got this daft idea that she had to keep me indoors after they moved house so that I acclimatised to my new surroundings." "Yes, but what about all that noise?" I said. "Oh that, just a minor skirmish, old boy, I bit her" he said casually. "What did you do that for?" I asked. "Got fed up being indoors, so I thought if I made a big enough nuisance of myself she would eventually crack and throw me out" he said. What a clever cat I thought. "Anyway now that I am out, you can accompany me for a stroll round the patch old boy. I need to stretch the legs" he said. They don't need that much stretching I thought - he's big enough already.

"I'm feeling a bit peckish" said Riley, "missed breakfast this morning. Probably should have waited until after she fed me before biting her. Anything on offer round your place old boy?" Well, I would have been delighted to invite him in for a snack, but there is no way he would fit through the cat flap - I mean it is a bit of a squeeze even for a sleek and lithe cat like my good self. "Who is he trying to kid?" Who said that? How rude. I'll have you know I am in peak condition, if I grew a bit longer I would be the perfect size for a cat of my weight. Riley has got a head the size of a water melon, so there is no way he would get in.

I suggested we try a dustbin in a garden just along the road. Mad Harry and Slasher Sid often dine there, and it comes highly recommended. We walked up to the bin, and it did smell rather good, but unfortunately the lid was on. "Not a problem old boy" said Riley who by this time had got the scent of roast chicken in his nostrils. "Can't let a little thing like that stop us can we." He stood on his hind legs, put his great big front paws on the bin and gently lent on it. The whole thing went crashing to the ground spilling the contents all over the place. I was off and over the wall like a shot. The woman must have been out, because when I returned, Riley was sifting through contents. "Not bad" he said, "I think I'll have the mackerel heads for starter, followed by the chicken carcass, with the lickings from the cream container for dessert. How about you old boy." I had the same. After we had eaten our fill, we went for a nap on the shed roof before going our separate ways. Riley reckoned his owner would have calmed down and seen the error of her ways. I wasn't so sure, but I bade him farewell and wandered off home.Well that's my lot for today. Quite an exciting day really. Perhaps I should write a good dustbin guide, a sort of Egon Ronay thing for cats. I could grade all the local bins based on the quality of their contents. Riley would be my inspector and pop round unannounced to sample the offerings. Instead of stars, we could award "fish-heads". Imagine the prestige of having a three "fish-head" bin. Cats who after all, are lovers of fine dining would come from miles away. This reminds me of my favourite restaurant joke - "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup" "Don't worry sir, the spider on the bread roll will get it" Ho Ho Ho - Oh well, please yourselves. What a life! AlbertThe(gastronomic)Cat.

Revenge is Mine..... Well Sort of!

What an outrage! What an absolute outrage! The one I don’t trust took my computer away yesterday in a childish display of petulance. Just because there were a few minor mishaps at my little soiree. I must thank all my pals for their messages of understanding and support. He really doesn’t know what he is up against – if he wants to play silly games he is well out of his depth . When it comes to acts of crass stupidity, then he is up against an acknowledged expert in the field. Mmmm... that doesn’t quite sound right but you get my drift.

I can't let this pass I thought, I'll get him back. After supper last night, I decided that the three of us should clear off until the morning. Tabby and Ginger Tail were reluctant at first, but when I advised that Mad Harry and Slasher Sid may pay a visit if they broke rank they quickly came round to my way of thinking. It was a foul night, bucketed down with rain for hours. I lost touch with the other two - I expect they were taking shelter under a tree or something. Anyway, I returned home late this morning after the one I don't trust had risen from his pit. I sat on the backdoor step, shivering and soaked to the skin - like a drowned rat I looked. "This'll show him" I thought.When I eventually went in, the other two were sitting on the settee, licking their lips. They looked strangely dry! "Oh hello, fancy seeing you" said Tabby in a surprised voice. "How long have you been in here?" I asked. "Just arrived this very minute" he said sheepishly. "Well how come you are both bone dry?" I replied as quick as a flash - not much gets past me! "We were hiding two gardens away, and it wasn't raining there" said Ginger Tail. I recalled last night's weather forecast - it said localised heavy downpours. Obviously very local indeed. How lucky they were.

"Where is he then - is he worried?" I asked. "Who?" said Tabby. "The one we don't trust of course." "Oh him, he went out about five minutes ago" said Tabby. "Just after he had given us our prawns" said Ginger Tail, "they were nice and fresh this morning, just how we like them." "That's good" I thought. "Where are mine then?" "Well, we weren't expecting you back so soon, so we ate them for you" chuckled Tabby. Oooh I was livid. I stood there in a puddle of rainwater with all the dignity I could muster. I hate those two I really do!"Still" I said, "I bet he was in a right state - how's he going to explain my absence to the pretty one in his daily bulletin." "To be honest" said Tabby, breaking the habit of a lifetime, "I don't think he noticed - he was in a bit of a rush you see." Things had started badly, and were going slowly down hill. There was only one thing for it, I went straight out into the garden and decimated the remaining crocuses. After a good roll in the mud I went up to the bedroom and fortunately he had left his freshly washed favourite jumper laying on a chair. Too good an opportunity I thought - the perfect place for a good clean up before a much needed nap.Well that's my lot for today. As I dozed off, I was thinking what else I could do to teach him a lesson. The curtain rail I thought - he put it back up again yesterday. What a pigs ear he made of it as well. It's all scew-whiff. I reckon he needs a new bubble in his spirit level. A gentle tug is all that's needed and the whole lot will come down again. When it comes to DIY, it may be that his sole purpose in life is to serve as an example to others. I feel guilty that we have him here at all - we are depriving some village of it's idiot. See you all next week. What a life! AlbertThe(vengeful)Cat.

A Night on the Tiles.....

What a night! As we were hoping, "the one I don't trust" cleared off yesterday evening. Not sure where he went, but I think he met up with some of his pals, or lowlife as I prefer to call them. Anyway, no sooner was he out the door, than my plan for a cultural evening at home with a select few of the local cats swung into action like a well oiled machine. Word was put out on the bush telegraph (I stuck my head out of the flap and mewed loudly), and the guests started to arrive. My poncy brother and my stupid sister were first. I didn't really want to ask them, but as I let them live here with me, I felt obliged to. They were closely followed by wise Old Black Tom. He is a very clever cat, and knows everything. "Where are Mad Harry and Slasher Sid" I asked. "No idea" he replied.

Not to worry, they soon turned up. A strange aroma preceded them - they had bought a tasty pair of half eaten kippers with them, carefully selected from a neighbours bin. How thoughtful. "You might need some of these" said Harry. "Most kind" I replied, "we are fresh out." They put them on the settee for safe keeping. Next, we heard a jingling bell sound, and Quasimodo shot through the flap looking nervously over his shoulder. Now, for new readers, you need to be aware that he has been driven insane by a little bell on his collar! "I'm being chased by an ice cream van" he cried as he dived for cover under the table, knocking over a pot plant in the process. At that very moment, there was a ring on the doorbell, and Quasimodo took the very wise precaution of climbing up the curtains, which duly fell down, along with the curtain rail. "Who was that at the door" I asked. "No idea" said Old Black Tom.What a terrible example of shoddy workmanship I thought. Not surprising though, I remember "the one I don't trust" putting the the curtain rail up just after we moved here. It was a real bodge job - he drilled the holes too big, and when he thought "the pretty one" wasn't looking, he bunged them up with bits of newspaper. He then employed a rarely used advanced technique to insert the screws - a two pound club-hammer! There's an awful lot more I can tell you about his DIY efforts, but that can wait until another day.

Anyway, we digress. Things were in full swing and we had started the party games. Our favourite is a slight variation of pin the tail on the donkey - we call it pin the collar on Quasimodo. It was great fun once we managed to catch him - Oh how we all laughed, well most of us. The game was brought to an abrupt halt by a loud crash from the kitchen. Harry had been taking a drink from the sink, when the large pile of dirty plates, dishes etc, that have accumulated over the last few days collapsed on to the floor. This came as quite a shock to Sid, who at the same time was turning out the contents of the garbage bin on to the very same floor. "Makes it easier to sort through" he advised later. Well, you can imagine the mess.Disaster! I heard a key turn in the front door. "The one I don't trust" had come home early - you really can't rely on him. He was not impressed with the sight that greeted him - smelly kippers on the settee, curtains and plaster all over the floor, the kitchen covered in garbage and broken crockery. You should have seen the scramble for the cat flap. I wouldn't have thought it possible that so many cats could get out of such a small hole in so little time. We reassembled on the back wall. The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry - who was it who said that? "Robert Burns" said Old Black Tom. "No, it couldn't have been him" I replied, "he wasn't invited. It must have been me!" Perhaps Old Black Tom is not so clever after all.

Oh well, that's my lot for today. When I crept back indoors a little later, I think he had forgiven us, because I heard him mutter under his breath "wait till I get hold of those three." I expect he is missing us and just wants to give us a cuddle - so that's nice isn't it! What a life! AlbertThe(party animal)Cat.

Turning Native......

Good morning one and all. “The pretty one” departed on Friday to visit her mother for two weeks, leaving “the one I don’t trust” in sole charge. We were all on parade to see her off. A guard of honour was duly formed by the front door. "Is that possible with only three of us" you ask? My thoughts entirely, and I wanted to invite a few pals in – Mad Harry, Slasher Sid et al to beef up the numbers. Tabby strongly advised against the idea, thinking it would be more trouble than it was worth. He’s probably right, after all, Harry and Sid do have some rather questionable personal habits. Anyway we stood to attention as she walked out, closely followed by a small team of Sherpas carrying her luggage.

I thought it best that we lull “the one I don’t trust” into a false sense of security during these early days, so I have issued instructions, that all three of us are to be reasonably well behaved. We’ve survived the weekend without any major calamities. You won’t be surprised to learn though, that things have started going downhill rather quicker than you might expect. He is turning native. Yesterday, he was eating cold beans straight out of the tin would you believe – a cunning ploy to save on the washing up no doubt, as the sink is already full of dishes and plates. In fact the kitchen is a complete mess already – I don’t know how he has managed it in such a short time. Even the mice have started wearing overalls, and I’m sure I saw one wipe it’s feet on the way out!Give him his due though, he has kept us reasonably well fed so far. Prawns have been served for breakfast, and the biscuit bowl has been kept topped up. He is under strict instructions, on pain of death, to send daily bulletins on our wellbeing to “the pretty one,” so he has to be a bit careful. I think she might have a couple of her spies keeping an eye on him!

Well that's my lot for today. I've heard him make arrangements to go out one evening later in the week. I think I will invite some friends round for a bit of a bash. Albert at home I will call it. It has a nice classy ring don't you think. I wonder if Mad Harry and Slasher Sid are available to do the door, or cat-flap, to be more precise. After all, I don't want anyone leaving early once I get them here. Admission will be a mere six prawns each, payable at the door. Mind you, I'm not sure I can trust Harry and Sid with the admission fees - counting is not their strong point if you get my drift. There are three types of cat in this world - those who can count and those who can't, Ho Ho Ho.... What a life! AlbertThe(well behaved)Cat.

Doing the Rounds....

Hello again. I took the day off yesterday to recover from recent events. By sleeping at full speed, I managed to wake up early this morning feeling greatly invigorated. I thought a bit of fresh air would do me good, and as it appeard to be quite a nice morning, after breakfast, I decided to go for a stroll and catch up with the local gang.I had a look over next door, and sure enough, the nasty little Jack Russell started yapping away as soon as it saw me. I stayed just long enough for it's owner to come and drag it away. A bit further along the back wall, I came across wise Old Black Tom - he is a very clever and important cat, he told me so himself. "What's occuring?" I asked. "Not much" he said knowingly. "I'm watching the world go by." I sat with him for a while. "Where's it going then" I asked. "Where's what going?" he said. "The world of course" I replied. He gave me one of his withering looks, so I decided to press on.

In the distance, I could hear a tinkling bell - must be Quasimodo I thought. He's as mad as a hatter - driven insane by the little bell on his collar. I've told you all about him before. I wandered off to see if I could get any sense out of him. He came towards me at great rate of knots. "What's up with you" I shouted at him. "About half past ten" he said as he dashed past. I forgot to tell you he is deaf as well. I eventually found him hiding under a bush. "Get down here quickly" he said "or they will see you." "Who" I asked "The firemen" he said nervously, "They are chasing me, can't you hear the bells?" Next minute, a phone rang in a nearby house, and he was off like a flash - saved by the bell I thought!

A bit further along the wall, I heard a loud noise like the sound of a dustbin lid falling on to the ground. Hurtling down the garden came Mad Harry carrying a tasty fishbone, and Slasher Sid covered in what was once a nourishing meat stew, closely followed by an irate red faced woman with a bucket of water. Presumably she was bringing them something to drink after their lunch - how thoughtful. When things calmed down they told me that they had been sampling the delights of her bin and she had taken umbrage.

Now as we know from past missives, it is very sensible to keep on the right side of Harry and Sid - if you know what I mean. Rumour has it that they were trapped once and taken to the local cat and dog home, but after a few days they were thrown out for attacking a Rottweiller! Clearly not to be messed with. You never know when their services might be required, so I told them that they must pop round to our place some time, and have a good ferret around in our bin. I bid them farewell. I had this strange feeling that I should return home, call it a sixth sense if you like, all us cats have it - hunger it's called. Time for lunch.Well that's my lot for today. When I got back, "My poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" were in the garden playing with my crocuses. "Make sure you leave some for me to dig up" I told them. The first daffodils have started to appear. They reminded me of what happened to the nasty little Jack Russell last year. It was stupid enough to swallow a daffodil bulb and made itself ill. It was rushed to the vets, and never being slow to spot an opportunity to extract cash, the vet said that they would have to keep the dog in for observation. "How long for" cried the owner. "Don't worry" said the vet, "it will be out in the Spring." Ho Ho Ho.. Oh please yourselves! AlbertThe(wandering)Cat.

Watch Out - There's a Hacker About...

Hello - you are in for a pleasant surprise today. You were expecting another load of drivel from Bert, that awful brother of mine weren't you. Well you are wrong, guess who this is - it's me, Tabby, his good looking brother. I've managed to hack into his account on the computer. It wasn't difficult, his password "prawns4me" was on a post-it note stuck to the screen. Now I have to be quick, before Bert gets back - he's out in the garden at the moment chasing snow flakes. He really is a very stupid cat. I hope you haven't been taken in by a lot of the rubbish he writes - he lives in a world of his own, he's off with the fairies most of the time.

Bearing in mind how thick he is, it is amazing that he has learnt to use a computer. Do you know the other day, he was grumbling to himself about the screen going black. Took him ages to work out the thing was not switched on. When he overcame this mighty technical challenge he thought there was something wrong with his screensaver - it disappeared every time he moved the mouse! Another time, I was walking past, and he had an error message up - it said "press any key to continue". Half an hour later, I walked past again and he was still sitting there with that gormless look on his face, "What's up" I said. "I've looked everywhere, but I still cant find the ANY key" he replied. When he first started doing his blog, it was not unusual to find typists correction fluid on the screen would you believe!

There's an awful lot I can tell you about him. Hardly know where to start. Oh no, I can hear him coming. It will have to wait for another day. He will be livid when he finds out what I have been up to - time to make myself scarce - I'm off to see "the pretty one", she'll look after me - I might even get a prawn if I suck up to her, afterall she is a little gullible, not that I would take advantage you understand. Bye for now. TabbyThe(good looking)Cat.
What's been going on here then. That "poncy brother" of mine has just run off. He's been up to no good I bet. What a damn cheek, he has been writing on my blog. How did he get into my account, what with all the security measures I have installed? I mean to say, after the previous unfortunate incident when "my stupid sister" managed to log in, I changed the password and put it in a safe place - on a post-it note stuck to the screen. Who would think of looking there - not me, that's for sure, I keep wondering where it is.Well that'll have to be my lot for today - I can't hang around here like I usually do waffling to you lot. I've got important things to do. I have to beef up my security. "Are you going to install new software?" I hear you ask. Not exactly, I have something far more effective in mind - I'm off to see Mad Harry and Slasher Sid. For a small consideration, I'm sure they will be more than happy to show Tabby what re-booting is all about, if you get my drift! What a life! AlbertThe(seriously compromised)Cat.

Don't Bury Your Head in the Sand!

Good day to you all. I'm still basking in the afterglow of last weeks epic victory. The celebrations went on all weekend. Tabby and Ginger Tail are still grizzling about the result, but I think following their little chat with Mad Harry and Slasher Sid, we will not be hearing too much from them for the time being.

Anyway, a new week and we must move on. As you know, I am a very keen ornithologist. Well, I saw a real strange site this morning. About four gardens along from us, they have hung some bird feeders out in the big tree - all full of nuts and things they are. I decided to investigate, so I hid behind a bush, and you'll never believe what I saw. About six or seven great big green things arrived and started stuffing all the food. "What on earth are they?" I thought. I was plucking up courage to pounce but thought better of it - I mean they had nasty red beaks that looked capable of delivering a painful peck! They had long tails and a red and black collar, and my word did they make a dreadful row.
Only one thing for it I thought - I must go to see wise Old Black Tom. As well as being a Returning Officer beyond reproach, he is also the fount of all knowledge in these parts. "Ring necked parakeets, my boy, ring necked parakeets" he said in a knowing voice. I guess they get their name because of the terrible squawking noise which makes you want to wring their necks! Old Black Tom tells me that they originally lived in hotter climes, but decided to move over here to England after we invented global warming. We've made such a good job of heating things up he tells me, that they can now survive the winter. What a wonderful thing this global warming is I thought - must have been invented by cats - far too clever for humans.

Old Black Tom did utter a word of caution though - if things carry on like this he said, all manner of other things might start moving in soon - he reckons something called an ostrich will be next, and do you know what, they are over eight foot tall. We will need to be a bit wary of these things he warned - not to be messed with. I can see what he means, after all, wouldn't they look daft perched on the telegraph wires and you wouldn't want to look up when one flew over would you - doesn't bear thinking about - and what about the size of birdtable. Apparently they have another strange habit - when they get worried they bury their heads in the sand! Personally I dive under the bed, but I suppose they are a bit too big for that.

I thought if all these other things start coming over here, we'll soon be full up. What will we do then? Perhaps we should start shipping things out to make room? Old Black Tom thought this was a very sound suggestion, and said the first thing he would unload were the dogs, as they serve no useful purpose. Seems a pretty good swap to me. I don't think an ostrich would be any more trouble than the snappy little Jack Russell that lives next door. I'd like to see the owner taking it for walkies though.

Well that's my lot for today. I will have to give this global warming lark a bit more thought. Not now though, it's all very taxing, and I think I need a nap. I had a bit of a scrape around in the muddy flowerbed before I went in, and as I walked across the kitchen floor, I heard "the one I don't trust" comment on the mess - I think he was referring to my carbon footprint, or should that be pawprint? Oh how I laughed! What a life! AlbertThe(environmentally sound)Cat.

Official – "It’s a Landslide…………………"

What a day – I’m glad you could join me. You’re just in time, we are going live to the count, where they are just about to make the declaration………

Old Black Tom has just come out on to the shed roof – “Quiet please, QUIET!!! By the powers invested in me by Bert, I Old Black Tom, the Returning Officer for the said constituency do solemnly swear that the votes cast for each candidate in the election were as follows:-

• Ginger Tail – Stupid Sister Party - 6 votes
• Tabby – Poncy Brother Party - 6 votes
• Albert – Prawns For All Party - 56,000 votes
  

There was one spoiled and defaced ballot paper which cast aspersions on Bert’s parentage and insinuated that he might like to go on a long journey. It was thus disqualified. I therefore duly declare that Albert is elected as “the most cute and adorable cat” in the said constituency. I will now invite the candidates to say a few words. Ginger Tail, please step forward."Ginger Tail - “Thank you Old Black Tom - I would like to thank my election team and my supporters for a superb campaign. We will return to fight another day. I would like to say congratulations to Bert, but unfortunately I can’t. The whole election from start to finish was a complete sham…... Help!…… Let go of me!...... Put me down!…... Aaaghhhhhh!….."

Old Black Tom - “Well Ginger Tail, thank you for that, and also thank you to my two “deputy returning officers”, Mad Harry and Slasher Sid for assisting you from the stage. Now Tabby, have you anything to say?”Tabby - “I most certainly have. However, my enthusiasm has suddenly waned. All I have to say is…. I demand a recount - Fix….. Fix…...Fix….. Fix….. Sorry, but I have to leave now!"

Old Black Tom - “Thank you Tabby, and may I say how impressed I was at the speed you left the shed roof. Mad Harry and Slasher Sid didn’t even have the chance to shake you warmly by the throat, sorry, paw I meant. However, I’m sure they will catch up with you later. I now call upon Albert to make his acceptance speech”Albert The Cat - “Thank you, thank you…… settle down please…… First of all, I would like to thank the returning officer, Old Black Tom, for the fair and scrupulous way in which he has discharged his duties, not forgetting the most efficient way his two deputies have also discharged theirs. Totally beyond reproach. If they would like to pop round the back of the shed afterwards, then they will receive my undying gratitude and a rather large portion of prawns. Next, I must mention my two opponents who fought honourable, but futile campaigns. For the record, it must be noted that both candidates forfeit their deposits due to their pitiful share of the vote. Even the ones they got were dubious, and could quite easily have been discounted on the grounds of hanging chards - whatever they may be. The last minute surge of two votes for Tabby was particularly dubious. However, I am feeling magnanimous, so we won’t quibble. Suffice is to say that Harry and Sid will be calling on them in the very near future to square the accounts, so to speak.My fellow cats – Ginger Tail is defeated, so is Tabby. Today I settled all family business so don't tell me that I’m not the cutest and most adorable cat. Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring a swift visit from Harry and Sid. And where there is despair, may we bring prawns.

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that our back garden is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of prawns for all is alive in our time ... who still questions the power of Old Black Tom and his henchman, tonight is your answer.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, prawns for all has become a reality”.Well how about that. What more can I say. How lucky you must feel to be witness at one of the great moments in feline history. I’m off to celebrate. The party will go on until the early hours – we’ll be drinking from the puddles and passing the cat nip (I never inhale of course!). I will be taking a well deserved rest over the weekend. Look forward to seeing you all again on Monday. What a Life! AlbertThe(victorious)Cat.