Greetings from Bert, or Preferably for Bert!

Hello folks. I've been very busy recently hence the lack of blogs. "Don't listen to him, he's been loafing about doing nothing useful at all." Who said that? It's that poncy brother of mine, I thought he was asleep in the garden. Judging from the huge number of enquiries I've had, you must all have missed me. Your concern is most touching - many thanks to both of you! I don't know why I bother, really I don't.

Anyway, as a couple of weeks have elapsed since my last missive, I'm sure you are all desperate for my pearls of wisdom. Things are about the same round here. Nothing much has changed - prawns still in short supply. I was up bright and early this morning. "How can you say that and keep a straight face?" It's Tabby again. Bear with me a moment while I chase him off................. that's better, I don't think he will trouble us any more. Now, where was I? Oh yes, I like the mornings, especially when the weather is good, it's the best time of day. The rich cacophony of bird song interspersed with the gently rasping cough of the woman next door as she enjoys her first cigarette of the day - the dawn chorus in all it's splendour. The dew on the grass, the sweet fragrance of the flowers and the heady aroma of burnt toast as the one I don't trust gets breakfast ready. A new day has truly dawned.

Right, there are a couple of things I need to tell you about. Since last Friday, the one I don't trust, has taken up permanent residence on the settee, in my favourite spot actually. I was getting fed up with it, so I decided to investigate. Do you know what, he is watching football morning, day and night. It's the World Cup apparently! Now as you know, I am a rather accomplished player myself, I could have been a star - I expect you have already seen the video of me in my prime - if not, click here. Well, if you can't beat them, join them, that is what I say, so I've decided to join him on the settee to watch it as well. I particularly like watching the little ball on the screen, but for some reason he gets a bit agitated when I sit in front of it and try and pat it with my paw. You can look forward to my occasional observations and expert analysis of the proceedings.

On Saturday we watched England play - he got rather excited and was very happy until the goalkeeper did an impression of a blind man fending off an angry bee. You should have heard his language - most appalling. I should be in goal, I am very good at chasing balls. Did you know us cats have a team in it - Cameroon, otherwise known as the Indomitable Lions - I shall support them. We are bound to win.And now for the really important news - roll of drums, fanfare on trumpets..... it's my birthday tomorrow! Yes, I am four years old. "It's my birthday as well." What, who else has a birthday tomorrow? "I do," said Ginger Tail, "so does Tabby." "How does that work then" I said. "Well, we are all from the same litter - we were all born under the bush on the same day," replied Ginger Tail. How unfair I thought - I expect there will be extra prawns to celebrate this auspicious occasion - I don't want to have to share them with those other two. "How old are you then" I asked. "I'm four of course" said Ginger Tail, "and Tabby?" "Well, he's four as well" she said in a rather condesending way. What a remarkable coincidence I thought.

Well, that's my lot for today. I'm off to make sure all the other local cats know it is my birthday - I know they will want to mark the occasion with a small gift - king prawns are always acceptable. I will be celebrating tomorrow, but will be back later in the week. Did you know that birthdays are good for you. Wise Old Black Tom told me the other day, that the more birthdays you have, the longer you live. What a clever cat he is! What a Life! AlbertThe(expectant)Cat.

That Newton Chap Has a Lot to Answer For..........

Well, here we are then. Monday again. Don't they come round quickly - the last one only seems about a week ago. I hope you all had a nice weekend. I had a very restful time, hardly got out of bed. We were all up bright and early this morning though to keep watch for the postman. Still no sign of the reminder card from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year," so we can relax for another day.

I'm keeping a low profile at the moment. I was walking around on the kitchen tops early this morning before "the housekeeping staff" surfaced - all part of my daily inspection of the premises you understand. I feel it is my duty to make sure everything is in order - and also of course to see if they have left anything worth eating lying around. Quite often there are rich pickings to be had, especially if they have been too lazy to clear up last night's meal before bed. Anyway, while I was there, I was having a quick drink from the sink and lost my balance. As I stumbled, my tail caught a vase of flowers which crashed on to the floor. You can imagine the commotion. I was off and out the flap like a robbers dog, if you will pardon the expression."The one I don't trust" came blundering down the stairs - "Ow" he said as he stubbed his toe in the dark. He then proceeded to use some very strange words - he must be learning French! Oh how I laughed - from a safe distance of course. "My poncy brother" was slow out of the blocks and was spotted exiting the flap - now hopefully they will put two and two together and come up with five, and he will be in the frame. No prawns for him today I bet, unless he ingratiates himself with "the pretty one."Just to be on the safe side, I am hiding under the bed - it was too cold outside. Why did the vase fall off? I blame that Isaac Newton fellow for inventing gravity. Before him, I expect the vase would have floated gently down to the ground. He has got a lot to answer for - I hope that apple landing on his bonce gave him a rotten headache. Now if cats had invented gravity, it would stop about two feet above the ground. Also, without gravity, us cats would be able to fly - we could have caught all the birds by now. I have attempted flying. I can do it downwards, but upwards is much more difficult - the best I have managed is about a second before being brought back down to earth with a nasty bump!

Now before I go, I have just noticed something strange about my blog - "there's an awful lot of strange things about his blog if you ask me!" What? How rude, who said that? No, seriously I have noticed text and pictures up the right hand side that have got nothing to do with me - advertisements! How did they get there? Looks like they were written by a bloke called Adsby Google - what a funny name. He must have hacked into my site. I've had a quick look at a few of them - do you know they keep changing. There's all sorts of rubbish encouraging the "housekeeping staff" to buy shoddy products for us cats. I'd steer well clear if I was you.

Well, that's my lot for today. Adsby must think that you folks who look at this stuff I churn out are a rum lot! There was an advert earlier for people with a "drink problem" - whatever that is. Drinking is easy, apart from nearly falling into the sink this morning that is. What a life! AlbertThe(gravity defying)Cat.

On Her Majesty's Service...

Hello - just a very short posting. I wasn't going to do one today, but I knew you would all be worrying about our impending set-to with "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year." I had both Tabby and Ginger Tail stationed by the window this morning waiting for the postman, but there was still no sign of the appointment card. All he delivered was the usual rubbish.
"The one I don't trust" must be more important than I thought, because he had a letter from The Queen, a brown envelope from Her Majesty's Government inviting him to send money. Times must be hard - the global recession, whatever that is, must be starting to bite. I took the precaution of shredding the letter as for some reason the brown ones always seem to make him angry. The last one he got sent him into a state of near apoplexy - he went off on a foul mouthed diatribe about begging letters and squeezing blood out of stones. Apparently they think he is a charity and he has to pay for a bunch of "ne'er do wells, skivers, lickspittles and wasters" all out of his own pocket. I'd have thought looking after us would have been enough for him! He even suggested that he should send them the shirt off his own back - what a kind and noble gesture!

There was another letter for "the pretty one" telling her that she had been fortunate enough to win a prize in the Swaziland National Lottery, and all she had to do was call this telephone number and send a sum of money, in cash to a place called PO Box - wonder where that is? I had no idea she even entered such things. I smelt a rat at first, but then I'm always doing that - Ho Ho, just a little joke for you other cats out there. Seriously though, I soon realised it was genuine, because it said that the money was only to cover their legitimate expenses, so that's alright then, and the telephone number was premium rate - yes premium rate, not ordinary rate, but premium, and the call could last up to fifteen minutes. Obviously they have an awful lot of good news to tell her. She must have won a very big prize. Perhaps she will buy us all presents. Probably best that I don't shred this letter.

Well, that's my lot for today. I'm running out of time. It's been a very busy day, and I can't hang around here chatting away to you lot. Do you know I even missed my afternoon nap - I slept right through it. I hope you all have a nice weekend - see you next week. What a Life! AlbertThe(taxing)Cat.

The Origin of Species According to Bert!

Hello folks. Things are still very tense around here. All three of us were waiting for the postman this morning, but fortunately there were no further reminders from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" about our dreaded appointment. We must remain vigilant at all times - I wouldn't put it past him to phone up. Mmm.... I wonder if I can chew through the telephone cable? Best get Tabby to do it in case it's dangerous. Anyway, enough of this, I feel very tired today. Only got up for breakfast, and that wasn't much to speak of, a small hand full of prawns - I don't usually get out of bed for less than a dozen! "How can you be tired, you've only just got up?" I hear you say. Us cats need our sleep - did you know, that often we spend up to 23 hours a day kipping, napping, or otherwise dead to the world. If I didn't get up early, I would never fit it all in.Once the postman had cleared off, I decided to go for a wander round my patch - thought a breath of fresh air might do me good. The garden looks very scruffy at this time of year, needs a good tidy up if you ask me. No one has asked me mind, but if they did, then that is what I would tell them. Have to get "the one I don't trust" on the job. I don't know what on earth he does with himself all day. Why do all the leaves disappear in the winter? One of life's little mysteries. I reckon it's to make it easier for us cats to see the birds. Probably back in the mists of time before humans had evolved to look after us, we had to fend for ourselves, and as food may have been a bit scarce in the winter, the great pussy cat in the sky decided to to blow away all the leaves so that we could see the little perishers.Now pay attention here, because I am going to let you in on something - did you know, humans were monkeys once? Yes, monkeys. Can you believe it - well, yes you can can't you. I mean there is a remarkable similarity. By the look of them, I reckon some folks evolved from monkeys a lot later than others. Take my lot, probably about five or six years ago, before my time. I'm sure I would have remembered something like that happening. I have it on good authority that they are going to change into pigs next, in fact it may already have started - when "the one I don't trust" came in the other night after a few drinks with his pals, he went to sleep in front of the telly and made some awful grunting noises. I'm sure I heard "the pretty one" call him a swine. This is all a bit worrying, because I don't think pigs can work a can opener - we could be back to fending for ourselves.Anyway, I've started to ramble on again - back to my stroll. I noticed that quite a few Spring flowers have braved the weather and have put their heads above the parapet. These must be the ones that escaped my digging frenzy in the Autumn when I played hunt the bulb with "the one I don't trust". Oh how I laughed, hours of endless fun - I think he must have enjoyed it as well, although you wouldn't have known it - miserable so and so! After the unfortunate incident with the snowdrop last week, it is probably best that I let them grow a bit more before I play with them, after all, I'm sure that is what they are for. You can see that in addition to my main hobby, ornithology, I also take a keen interest in horticulture.Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to check that the "housekeeping staff" haven't turned into anything else while my backs been turned. Better take a look in the mirror to make sure I'm still a cat - you can't be too careful. The only thing I'm planning to turn into in the near future is my bed. Can probably make time to fit in a spot of supper first. What a life! AlbertThe(evolving)Cat.

Warning - Cats Can Seriously Improve Your Health!

Hello – I’m back again. Sorry about the last few days – I was going to tell you a little story yesterday, but by the time I woke up from my afternoon nap, I had a big decision to make. Should I turn over and go back to sleep, or should I write my blog. Anyway, I had a really good kip. Now, what was I going to write about??? Oh yes, I remember. Did you know that a family pet can improve the quality of life for the people they live with? Not only that, but medical science has shown that these folks also lead longer and healthier lives. I heard all this while I was dozing in front of the telly the other evening.

It was an interesting programme, only interrupted by cynical comments from “the one I don’t trust”. Hair on the furniture, fleas, furballs, eats us out of house and home, were just a few of the more repeatable remarks he made. Clearly he doesn’t appreciate the benefits of having me around the place. The gist of the story is that having animal companions - cats and dogs in particular results in both emotional and physical well-being. Now, I’m sure the mention of dogs, is political correctness gone mad. I mean to say we all know what a damn nuisance those things are, especially that nasty little Jack Russell that lives next door – always yapping away.So, we will ignore dogs, and assume they were really talking about cats. Here are just a few of the apparent benefits of having someone like me living with you.

• Lower blood cholesterol levels – makes perfect sense. They came up with some clever medical explanation, but the real reason is obvious. Shellfish, and prawns in particular are a rich source of cholesterol. In this house I shift all the prawns that are put in front of me, so there are very few left for anyone else. I could do even more to help if only they would let me.
• Lower blood pressure – the last time they tried to put me in a cat carrier to go to see “the bloke who sticks needles in me once a year,” I got rather annoyed, and managed to claw and bite “the one I don’t trust”. His arm was leaking all over the place, so it stands to reason that if he has less blood inside him, then the pressure will drop – pretty basic stuff really.
• Quicker recovery from illness - clearly, if they have me to look after, they can't loaf around in bed all day feeling sorry for themselves can they? Imagine if they were unable to supply me with prawns - I would leave wouldn't I, and they wouldn't want that!
• Higher survival rate after serious illness - a study has shown that heart attack patients are more likely to be alive a year after they discharge from hospital. It would be very poor form if they keeled over and left us unattended. We give them the will to live.
• Fewer doctor visits - apart from the occasional tetanus shot after one of our little altercations, I don't see any need for "the one I don't trust" to go at all.
• Reduced loneliness - I have my staff go out to the shops on a frequent basis to stock up on essential supplies - prawns, etc. The perfect opportunity to meet people. I am always thinking of them aren't I?
• Pet therapy programmes - in nursing homes cats are credited with enabling elderly patients to reach out beyond their own pain and isolation and start caring about the world around them again. Stops them being selfish and moping around thinking of nobody but themselves.
• Less depression - fancy that, us cats are anti-depressants - Prozac on legs!
  
• Aids childhood development - not sure about this one. I hate kids. When our "nosy neighbours" last popped round with their evil brood, one of them was crawling all over the place, and started eating my cat biscuits. Everyone was most put out when I hissed and spat at him. Well, I had to put my paw down. Apparently he started bed-wetting again as a result of the shock. Most unusual in a sixteen year old - just my little joke, he's twelve actually!
  

Well that's your lot for today. I leave you to ponder upon the above - no home is complete without a cat. Now, if any of you out there are feeling a bit poorly and are deficient in the cat department, then I have a couple of spares that I can let you have - "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" are both available for immediate shipping at a very reasonable price. What am I bid for the pair? What a life! AlbertThe(health-giving)Cat.

Don't Bury Your Head in the Sand!

Good day to you all. I'm still basking in the afterglow of last weeks epic victory. The celebrations went on all weekend. Tabby and Ginger Tail are still grizzling about the result, but I think following their little chat with Mad Harry and Slasher Sid, we will not be hearing too much from them for the time being.

Anyway, a new week and we must move on. As you know, I am a very keen ornithologist. Well, I saw a real strange site this morning. About four gardens along from us, they have hung some bird feeders out in the big tree - all full of nuts and things they are. I decided to investigate, so I hid behind a bush, and you'll never believe what I saw. About six or seven great big green things arrived and started stuffing all the food. "What on earth are they?" I thought. I was plucking up courage to pounce but thought better of it - I mean they had nasty red beaks that looked capable of delivering a painful peck! They had long tails and a red and black collar, and my word did they make a dreadful row.
Only one thing for it I thought - I must go to see wise Old Black Tom. As well as being a Returning Officer beyond reproach, he is also the fount of all knowledge in these parts. "Ring necked parakeets, my boy, ring necked parakeets" he said in a knowing voice. I guess they get their name because of the terrible squawking noise which makes you want to wring their necks! Old Black Tom tells me that they originally lived in hotter climes, but decided to move over here to England after we invented global warming. We've made such a good job of heating things up he tells me, that they can now survive the winter. What a wonderful thing this global warming is I thought - must have been invented by cats - far too clever for humans.

Old Black Tom did utter a word of caution though - if things carry on like this he said, all manner of other things might start moving in soon - he reckons something called an ostrich will be next, and do you know what, they are over eight foot tall. We will need to be a bit wary of these things he warned - not to be messed with. I can see what he means, after all, wouldn't they look daft perched on the telegraph wires and you wouldn't want to look up when one flew over would you - doesn't bear thinking about - and what about the size of birdtable. Apparently they have another strange habit - when they get worried they bury their heads in the sand! Personally I dive under the bed, but I suppose they are a bit too big for that.

I thought if all these other things start coming over here, we'll soon be full up. What will we do then? Perhaps we should start shipping things out to make room? Old Black Tom thought this was a very sound suggestion, and said the first thing he would unload were the dogs, as they serve no useful purpose. Seems a pretty good swap to me. I don't think an ostrich would be any more trouble than the snappy little Jack Russell that lives next door. I'd like to see the owner taking it for walkies though.

Well that's my lot for today. I will have to give this global warming lark a bit more thought. Not now though, it's all very taxing, and I think I need a nap. I had a bit of a scrape around in the muddy flowerbed before I went in, and as I walked across the kitchen floor, I heard "the one I don't trust" comment on the mess - I think he was referring to my carbon footprint, or should that be pawprint? Oh how I laughed! What a life! AlbertThe(environmentally sound)Cat.

Good Housekeeping.........

Hello again. Glad you have returned for the final posting of the week. How time flies - the start of the week only seems about five days ago. Time waits for no cat as they say. They're all getting a bit excited round here - apparently Christmas is only three weeks away. Oh what great joy! I hate Christmas. Had some blinding news this morning, we have visitors coming, staying for over a week they are. If there is one thing I hate more than Christmas it's visitors, and "my poncy brother" of course - mm... that's two things. Mustn't forget the nosy neighbours and small children, I think I hate them more than Christmas as well. Anyway, to set the record straight, let's say there are at least four things I hate more than Christmas, but I don't want any of you running away with the idea that I secretly like it.

The place will be very crowded, there is barely enough room for the five of us, and with seven, there won't be room to swing a cat! A most unfortunate turn of phrase. No idea yet what I am going to do with the visitors - I already have two "housekeeping staff" on the payroll, and they seem to just about cope. I suppose if I look on them as "temporary staff", I might be able to find something to occupy them. I mean, a lot of places take on extra staff at this time of year don't they. I'll give this some thought and report back nearer the time.

There has been a little bit of good news this morning, basic provisions have been replenished. Me, Tabby and Ginger Tail were enjoying our pre-lunch nap when the front door opened, and in blundered "the one I don't trust" carrying four rather large bags of our favourite cat biscuits. "You lot are eating me out of house and home" he said ungratefully. He can be rather mean at times. "These should last you for a few weeks" he said. "They'll do me" I thought, but what about Tabby and Gingertail?
By remarkable coincidence, about half an hour later, "the pretty one" came in from the shops. "Guess what" she said. "The supermarket had prawns on Special Offer- two for the price of one, I bought four bags". Quite a bargain I thought, but at that price I'm amazed she didn't get some for Tabby and Ginger Tail as well? All this scrimping and saving, is a false economy in the long run. I mean there is plenty of room in the freezer - "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" were nosing around in there the other day, and they tell me it is jam packed with things that are of no interest to anyone - frozen peas, frozen beans, bread, and all manner of useless stuff. I've no idea why! If they had a good clear out, they could get a lot more prawns in and take real advantage of this once in a lifetime offer. I sometimes wonder why I employ them. I do think, if it wasn't for their unique ability to operate a can opener, then us cats would have no need for them at all.
To my knowledge, "the one I don't trust" has cleaned out the freezer once before. I mean to say, some things had been in there for ages. I remember he called out to her "how long can you keep a chicken in the deep freeze", "about three months" she replied. "That's odd" he said "I only put one in last night and it's dead this morning" Oh how he laughed. She gave him one of her looks. Like me, she doesn't appreciate his childish sense of humour.

Well that's my lot for now. Hope you all have a nice weekend. I plan to rest - it has been quite a week. I might start work on the Christmas duty rota. With the extra seasonal staff, it should be possible to have at least one person on duty 24 hours a day. What a life! AlbertThe(equal opportunities employer)Cat.

Cometh the Bin Man!!

Hello again. I feel remarkably good today. Getting rid of those fleas has been most uplifting - I can't understand why "the housekeeping staff" made such a fuss about it. I still haven't forgiven my "stupid sister" and "poncy brother" though. They were sitting each side of the cat flap when I came in earlier. "Long time no flea" said Tabby, rolling around laughing, "don't be so nasty" said Ginger Tail, "poor Albert, I love you aw-flea". What a pair of smirking Judases - mmm... is there such a word? Not sure about the plural of Judas - might be Judi? Anyway, just to be absolutely clear, let's put it this way, there was one smirking Judas on one side of the flap and another smirking Judas on the other side. See, when you are well educated, like what I am, there is always a way round these things.

I was up early this morning, rudely awoken by the bin men coming down the road. I woke up in the fire place - must have slept like a log! I thought I would see what goes on, because they turn up on a Wednesday every week and make an almighty row. I was watching them out of the window. There were two or three black sacks on our garden path. Apparently "the one I don't trust" puts them out every Tuesday evening - I've no idea why. All the neighbours had done the same. Anyway, this great big lorry comes along, accompanied by about half a dozen men in bright yellow jackets. They pick up the sacks and throw some of the contents into the back of the lorry - the remainder they scatter along the road. It makes quite an impressive site, bits of paper, old tin cans, chicken bones, etc.. all over the place, blowing in the wind. I've no idea what this is all about, but I have worked out how well planned it all is. You see, another man comes along the street once a week on a Tuesday and sweeps up, so that the road is all nice and clean just in time for the bin men to arrive. All very strange don't you think.
The only other thing of note to report round here today is Tabby's fur ball - I have to give it to him it was the biggest one I had ever seen, and he did extremely well to find one of the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house upon which to deposit it. All three of us were admiring it when we heard "the housekeeping staff" approach. Call it sixth sense if you like, but I had a feeling that they would not share our sense of awe and admiration, so we all legged it as fast as we could. Listening from outside the flap, I realised that they must both be learning a foreign language, because he in particular used an awful lot of words that I hadn't heard before, followed by "I can't wait until I get hold of them!". Presumably he was missing us and was looking forward to our return so he could give us some prawns.

Now, before I sign off, I have an important announcement to make - due to overwhelming popular demand, I have decided to write an occasional agony column. I will be offering my advice to other cats on all manner of things. I may also consider dogs and humans if space permits. All you have to do is drop me a quick line through the "comment" button at the bottom of this posting, or through Twitter @AlbertTheCat. Just outline your problem, nothing is off limits, and you will benefit from my perceived wisdom, all in the strictest confidence of course. I look forward to hearing from you. I don't beat about the bush, you can rest assured that I give advice that no one wants to hear - I think I got that bit right? Look forward to hearing from you.

Well that's quite enough for today. I'm off to see what nice little treat "the housekeeping staff" had in mind. What a Life. AlbertThe(very caring)Cat.

Fleas! - Moi? Surely Not.

Good day to you all. I trust you had a nice weekend. I had a much needed restful one - most enjoyable. However, something very worrying is going on here today. More of that later, but first, to tie up a few loose ends from last week. You will recall, when I left you on Friday, I was sitting beside the big white thing in the kitchen where the prawns live. My little scam worked a treat - sure enough, "the pretty one" came in and took out the prawns destined for their supper. I gave her my best cute and adorable look, rolled over on my back a couple of times and "Robert's your Dad's brother", she gave me loads of the things. It works every time - she is a little gullible after all. Nearly got rumbled by "the one I don't trust", he couldn't understand why there were so few prawns in his curry - he may have had suspicions though, as he kept giving me dirty looks and saying "look at the state of that cat - he's so full he can hardly walk".

I hope you liked the football video from Saturday - just between you and me, and in the strictest of confidence, I am thinking of setting up my own TV channel to show further video clips - AlbertTV or BertVision I am thinking of calling it - what do you think?

Anyway, back to the business in hand - a very serious matter indeed. I heard "the one I don't trust" saying he intended to treat us. Now that's very nice I thought, looking forward to extra prawns. Not a bit of it - treat us for fleas he meant. What a damn cheek! He said this right in front of me - they are so stupid, they still think we don't know what they are saying. I quickly summoned an emergency meeting with "my poncy brother" and "stupid sister". We agreed that we had been itching a bit recently. I have worked out how this happened. I reckon we caught them off of the "housekeeping staff" - you see I did notice the pair of them scratching the other evening, and they were both sitting on the settee in exactly my favourite spot! Now it doesn't take a great leap of the imagination to put two and two together and make five does it.

Well earlier today he came in with these three little blue sachets and called us as if it was prawn time. He really must think we are as thick as he is, because all three of us were off to the hills before he had a chance to shut the cat-flap.

When they went out, we crept back in so I could write today's blog for you. Ginger Tail was keeping watch at the front door and Tabby on the windowsill looking down the road. They promised to give me a shout as and when the staff returned. A case of you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours you might say. Ho Ho! I must have nodded off, because I was awoken by the sound of the cat-flap closing and voices coming from downstairs. What happened to the early warning system you all ask. I looked out of the window and saw the other two sitting in the garden - "couldn't stop, we had to flea" chortled Tabby. "Yes" said Ginger Tail, "we were itching to get out". Oh how they laughed! I had been betrayed. You wait until I get hold of the pair of them.

Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to hide under the bed. If I can keep my head down for a couple of hours, I might be able to make a break for it under the cover of darkness. I'll tell you how I got on tomorrow. What a life! AlbertTheCat (and his little six legged friends).

The Big Green Thing Outside The Back Door.

Surfaced bright and early this morning. No repeat of yesterday's disaster. I was first in the queue for breakfast, and managed to eat not only mine, but most of Tabby's as well. A most satisfying start to the day.

I was thinking about going for a walk with Tabby, "my poncy brother" but it is wet and windy outside and him being a bit of a poser, he doesn't like getting his fur wet. I'll probably just go for a dig and a scratch in the garden later. The garden is the big green thing just outside the back door. I have noticed that the grass is a bit long. It's good for playing lions and tigers in, but not much fun when it is soaking wet. I can hardly see over the top of it in places. This is not really good enough, I mean, I have two "housekeeping staff" on the payroll - you'd think they should be able to keep the garden in trim.


Being a keen birdwatcher, I quite enjoy roaming around in the garden. Do you know, we have a robin's nest in the tree. I sit for hours underneath looking up at the little perishers. I have tried to climb up and get at them, but what with the old war wound, that I don't like to talk about, I'm not as nimble as I used to be. "My stupid sister" managed to get in there once, but fell out. Fortunately she landed on her head, so no serious damage was done.

There are two great big pigeons as well. In the summer they ate all the cherries from the neighbour's tree, scoffed the lot they did. For a small consideration, say, a dozen prawns a day, I would have been willing to guard the tree. As the old Chinese saying goes - "it is better to feed one cat than many mice", or pigeons in this case.


There are all sorts of things to get up to in the garden. I love playing hunt the bulb - the "housekeeping staff" bury them for me. It is a little game we play. It keeps them amused. There are lots of nice soft bushes and plants for rolling in, dirt for digging up and throwing on to the lawn, and new shrubs planted especially for me to use as scratching posts. I know they appreciate it - only the other day "the one I don't trust" saw me digging, and thinking it must be thirsty work, came running up to me with a large bowl of water. How thoughtful. Unfortunately when he got close, he must have tripped, because he used some very strange words that I am not familiar with and the water spilt all over me. Very careless of him, but I suppose his heart was in the right place. Overall, I have a reasonable relationship with the staff. It is based on give and take. They give and I take!

Well that's my lot for today. Heard them say earlier that they were going to cook a king prawn curry for supper. Now if I play my cards right and sit near the fridge (the big white thing in the kitchen where the prawns live) I reckon I can scrounge a few, if I put on my cute and adorable look. What a life! AlbertTheCat.

Where Are They Now ????

Hello again. Got up a bit late this morning and missed breakfast. Very remiss of me - it happened once before, 4th March 2006 - I'll never forget the date. So, today's objective is to scrounge an extra meal somewhere along the way to make up for it. I will have to use all my natural charm and powers of persuasion. I might even have to let "the pretty one" stroke me - she likes doing that. She gets plenty of practice, what with my "poncy brother" trying to suck up to her all the time. It is nauseating to watch.

Instead of the usual offering, today I need to ask for the help of all you other cats out there, maybe even dogs - I'm still thinking about that. You will recall a couple of weeks ago I told you that originally there were five of us in the litter (click here). You already know about three of us - me, the pick of the litter, Tabby, "my poncy brother" and Ginger tail, my "stupid sister". What happened to the other two I hear you ask. A very good question. Well, I had another brother called Spotty, should really have been called stroppy - my word he was a nasty piece of work, and another sister called Little Tortoiseshell, a most charming cat.

When we were about four months old, they disappeared - never to be seen again. One Sunday morning we were busy chasing a ping pong ball around and pulling threads from the furniture when most abruptly, "the one I don't trust" shushed three of us into the garden. I looked in the window and saw Spotty and Little Tortoiseshell being put in a box. Spotty took great exception to this, but at least he managed to draw blood - a mere flesh wound unfortunately. "The one I don't trust" was soon bandaged up.

I think they may have been taken to a new home, because when they returned, I heard "the pretty one" say, "fancy Spotty doing that on the carpet. Do you think he will ever come out from under the fridge?" To which my answer would have been "probably not". He could still be there now for all we know. I don't think it is coincidence that we all moved house a few days later - I think the "housekeeping staff" were worried that he would find his way back!

I don't see why they had to give the two other kittens away really. Why couldn't they look after all five of us - I mean we're not much trouble are we? I suppose I can see why they unloaded Spotty. If truth be known, I was not too disappointed to see the back of him. They should definitely have kept Little Tortoiseshell though, instead of Ginger Tail, the runt of the litter. She certainly wouldn't have played nasty tricks on me.

So, the big question is where are they now?? I need your help to track them down. I am putting out an APB (All Pussies Bulletin), and am prepared to offer a small reward. For information on the whereabouts of Little Tortoiseshell and her safe return, I will give six prawns, yes six! For information on Spotty, I will give three prawns, however if the current owners decide to send him back, then you owe me a dozen prawns! I can't say fairer than that. Don't forget to look under the fridge!

I am waiting for your call - you can get me through the good offices of Twitter @AlbertTheCat.

Well that's the lot for today. I look forward to hearing from you. I'm off to work on my breakfast substitute. What a Life! AlbertTheCat.

Nosy Neighbours !

Not been a good day so far. Things started badly, and then went downhill. My peaceful slumber was disturbed at some unearthly hour this morning by all manner of banging and crashing. Seven 'o' clock would you believe - I didn't know there was a seven 'o' clock in the morning as well! The "housekeeping staff" were up and about and in a right panic. You will remember that on Friday I told you they had cleaned the place up in anticipation of visitors, who fortunately never showed up. Well little did I know, but they were re-scheduled for this morning. I hate visitors. So we had the damn vacuum cleaner out again. What a row. "My poncy brother", "my stupid sister" and me had put a lot of work in over the weekend to get the hair back on the furniture - it had been a real team effort, all to no avail.

We were all shoved out into the garden - it was barely light. The prawns were virtually non-existent - a mere afterthought as we scuttled out of the cat flap. You can see Ginger Tail making her escape. Me and tabby were half way down the garden! easy to see how she got her name. "The one I don't trust" also had the right idea. As soon as the clean-up was finished, he cleared off as well. No idea where he went, but he looked pleased to be getting out of it. I crept back in for a snack, but there was to be no last minute reprieve this time. Just after nine 'o' clock, a knock on the door, and they arrived. I took one look and headed for the hills - two woman that live just a few doors along the road and three, yes three small children. If there is one thing I hate more than visitors it is small children. I recognised one of the women - for some reason she doesn't like me. The feeling is mutual. I had recently dug some bulbs up and flattened a few plants in her garden for her. She was most ungrateful and chased me off with a bucket of water. I hope she hasn't come round here to complain!

I have subsequently discovered what went on. I sent my "stupid sister" Ginger Tail, back to spy. She sat on the windowsill and observed everything (see picture). The three kids ran amok - apparently one of them even played with my toy mouse - he was chewing it. If only they knew where that had been, it would have certainly wiped the smile of mum's face... Ho Ho. Worse is to come. Ginger Tail's cover was blown. She was spotted and the conversation turned to cats. One of the woman, the troublemaker, said:-

"I've seen that cute little ginger tailed one on my garden shed, along with a nice looking tabby. Are they yours".

"Yes" says the "pretty one".

"They're lovely" the woman said, "but what about the big fat black and white one who digs up my flowerbed - is he one of yours as well?"

Big! fat! - what a cheek. I don't hold out much hope for the herbaceous borders in her garden next spring. The real problem however as regular readers will realise is that the possibility of being put on a diet is back at the top of the agenda. I thought this outrage had died a natural death, but just one ill informed comment has undone all my good work. It has reinforced "the pretty one's" misguided view that I am overweight. Surely it can't come to this. I barely survive on what they give me at the moment. Think I'll go and console myself with a few cat biscuits. I can't imagine there is much chance of any prawns today now. Only hope is to use my irresistible charm on the "pretty one" - it usually works. How can she resist.

Well that is definitely the lot for today. Much to think about. Let's hope we have a quiet day tomorrow. What a Life! AlbertTheCat.

Malnutrition

Bit late today. Have had a very traumatic morning. Will come on to that in a minute. First of all, for the few of you that are remotely interested, the latest bulletin on "my poncy brother" is not at all good. He's now fully recovered. My hopes of a relapse have been dashed, and he still has two more days of antibiotic tablets to take. As you know, these are being hidden inside big juicy prawns by the "housekeeping staff", who are oblivious to the fact that as soon as they turn their back he spits the pills out!

For the rest of you who are concerned about my well being, then I have some distressing news. There is a rumour going around that "the housekeeping staff" are thinking about putting me on a diet!!!!! They think I am overweight. I rumbled this a couple of days ago, but thought nothing of it, as it came from "the one I don't trust". I know full well, that no one takes any notice of him round here, least of all me, "the pretty one" rules the roost, and she is very gullible. I can twist her round my little finger when necessary.

Talking of fingers, have I told you that both me and "my poncy brother" have got six fingers on each front paw, with toes to match. I'm led to believe that this is a sign of good breeding and indicates a rich and diverse family tree - well that's what my dad told me, and he should know - he reckoned that just by taking his socks off, he could count up to twenty four, and do you know what, he is right - I don't know of any other cat that can count beyond twenty.

Anyway, I digress, back to the serious matter in hand. This morning, "the pretty one" also said I was getting fat - I knew I should never have let her pick me up - won't make that mistake again! I can't be fat, I can still squeeze through the cat flap, although I do feel they have made it smaller recently, either that or there has been a some serious subsidence. The picture below is me exiting stage right through the flap. Despite what "my stupid sister" says, it was not necessary to use a crowbar and half a tin of axle grease to get me out!!

I have researched the matter on the internet and found an article that says over 40 % of cats are obese. Who writes this rubbish, it certainly wasn't a cat. How on earth do humans know the ideal weight of a cat. As we all know, the bigger the better, must keep our strength up. If a cat had written this, the conclusion would have been that 60% of cats are underweight and need extra prawns. My lot are obsessed with diets, "the pretty one" in particular. Always going on about not eating this or can't eat that, and then she goes and eats a plate of chips or a piece of cake - a mystery to me.

The final straw was when I heard "the one that I don't trust" mention exercise - well as you can imagine, I came over all faint, I mean what do they think I am - a dog or something. Walking from the settee to the bedroom between naps, back and forth to the food bowl, and an occasional stroll round the estate are more than adequate for even the most energetic cat. I'm out of breath just thinking about it.

Now you can see why I am a bit late today - I have been out making contingency plans. I've discovered that next doors dog, the nasty yappy little Jack Russell, has a bowl of food in the garden. I have made a note of the time he gets taken for his daily walk. Beggars can't be choosers, and I'm quite partial to a dog biscuit occasionally. The other hope is Quasimodo, who I told you about yesterday - he has a bowl of food in his garden shed, and the door is often open - rich pickings here I think, although prawns may be a bit thin on the ground.

Well that's it for another day. Feel free to send food parcels, preferably ones containing prawns of course. What a life! AlbertTheCat.

Return of Old Big Head

Things have gone down hill since yesterday's good news. You will recall I told you that "my poncy brother" had a swollen head and was booked in to see "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" - I hate him! Well, would you believe it, he did not have to go to hospital as we were all hoping, and he is now back home. I am very disappointed - if they had kept him in for a few days I could have had his prawns. Apparently, he has got an abscess and has been prescribed a course of antibiotics.

It gets worse. To get the tablets down him, "the housekeeping staff" are hiding them inside great big juicy prawns. So not only is he getting the regular prawns that I have to put up with, but twice a day he is getting king prawns - terrible isn't it. Where is the justice in that? "The bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" says it was probably caused by a bite or scratch that became infected. I reckon it was nothing of the sort - I reckon his head just swelled up naturally to match his own opinion of himself. I can't stand him!

He is really making the most of it though - he has "the pretty one" eating out of his hand which is ironic really, as he is quite literally eating out of hers - all he has to do is give her that self-pitying look and she feeds him extra prawns. It is beneath contempt. She is so gullible though and being such a deceitful cat he is milking it for all it is worth. The only good news is that his head is still swollen - it looks gruesome. Here are before and after pictures - you see what I mean?

I find this hilarious, especially as he fancies himself as a pretty boy. I'm amazed he has the nerve to go out. I very kindly offered to make two holes in a brown paper bag so he could wear that - a noble gesture I thought, but one that was thrown straight back in my face. How rude, typical of him though. I ought to be getting king prawns as well. It is very cruel making me sit here and watch him bolt them down. "The housekeeping staff" need to be careful. What they don't realise is that through the offices of Twitter, I have a direct line to the good people at the Cats Protection League. By the way, you can follow me on Twitter as well - look for AlbertTheCat.

Here's a funny thing - something I have observed every time they come back from visiting "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" - I hate him. "The one I don't trust" always waves a piece of paper about, mutters a few strange words, then quotes a large number in pounds sterling, before using the term "money for old rope". I wonder what this is all about. Can anyone enlighten me!

Well that's my lot for today. All we can hope for is that "my poncy brother" has a relapse, but knowing my luck he will make a swift recovery. To show my displeasure, I think I will go outside and find something unpleasant to bring in and deposit under the bed. I'll probably dig up a few plants while I am out there. What a life! Albert the Cat.