Bert's Nature Notes.

Well here we are again. After yesterday's extravaganza, something a little more mundane but very educational. I went for a gentle stroll round the estate this morning, and thought I would share with you some of my observations. As you know, I am a keen ornithologist and horticulturist - whatever they are! It is a very interesting time of year in the garden you know. All the little things that disappeared during the winter have started to come back. The first thing of interest I noticed was a small brown and red thing flitting amongst the flowers, first one of the year. A sight to behold - a thing of rare beauty. It nearly bought a tear to my eye. I think they are called flutterbies, or something like that. Great fun to chase, but not good eating, very little flavour I find. The one I don't trust gets very agitated when I charge through the flowerbed to get at them.The trees and bushes are turning green, in fact many are bejewelled with yellow, pink, blue and white blossom that cascades gently to the ground in the breeze, like delicate flakes of snow, forming a pristine carpet of wondrous colours. I soon changed that - it was all over my favourite digging spot would you believe! Looks like a mud heap now.

I was disturbed by the sound of buzzing, and upon investigation, I saw a bumble bee that had just roused itself from it's winter slumber. It was busy darting from flower to flower. What an industrious little creature I thought, a lesson to us all. Apparently they make honey - no idea how they do it, but you have to admire them. I've seen a pot of the stuff in the kitchen. How the little fellows can lift it I do not know, and as for screwing on the lid, well that's anybodies guess. Now a word of warning to you other cats. Do not chase bees! They can seriously damage your health. They get very angry and pack a real punch. In my experience, anything in nature with black and yellow stripes is bad news - leave well alone. Take the tiger for example, we haven't got too many round here, but you wouldn't want to bump into one down the back alley when out for a bit of late night ratting would you?The dawn chorus filled the still early morning air with a breathtaking cacophony of melodious sound. Dreadful din, gave me a headache! What do you mean I wasn't up at dawn - who said that? Anyway, I'm sure it would have sounded just like that if I was up. The birds were flying around carrying twigs and bits of grass to construct their nests. A couple of pigeons have started to build in a tree in my garden. Damn cheek - I'll have to get that shifted, I mean no self respecting cat has a birds nest in his back garden do they?

Watching all the activity made me feel quite tired, so I decided to go inside for a snack and a lie down. On the way I paused to look at some beautiful little flowers that had just appeared. I took a sniff of their fragrant perfume and immediately sneezed! Anemonem.., anemononem.., anemononons.., anemonononies.., grrrrrr..... little pink things, they are called. I was so annoyed at their silly name, that I swatted one and sat on three more. That'll teach them I thought.

Well that's your lot for today. I hope you have enjoyed the little nature lesson. I expect you have learnt a lot. As you can see, it is a very special time of year or us nature lovers. We all have a role to play in caring for our environment. It was only the other day as I was walking through the kitchen that I was reminded of my own carbon paw print. "What on earth has that cat been walking in" shouted the one I don't trust. What a life! AlbertThe(eco-friendly)Cat.

That Newton Chap Has a Lot to Answer For..........

Well, here we are then. Monday again. Don't they come round quickly - the last one only seems about a week ago. I hope you all had a nice weekend. I had a very restful time, hardly got out of bed. We were all up bright and early this morning though to keep watch for the postman. Still no sign of the reminder card from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year," so we can relax for another day.

I'm keeping a low profile at the moment. I was walking around on the kitchen tops early this morning before "the housekeeping staff" surfaced - all part of my daily inspection of the premises you understand. I feel it is my duty to make sure everything is in order - and also of course to see if they have left anything worth eating lying around. Quite often there are rich pickings to be had, especially if they have been too lazy to clear up last night's meal before bed. Anyway, while I was there, I was having a quick drink from the sink and lost my balance. As I stumbled, my tail caught a vase of flowers which crashed on to the floor. You can imagine the commotion. I was off and out the flap like a robbers dog, if you will pardon the expression."The one I don't trust" came blundering down the stairs - "Ow" he said as he stubbed his toe in the dark. He then proceeded to use some very strange words - he must be learning French! Oh how I laughed - from a safe distance of course. "My poncy brother" was slow out of the blocks and was spotted exiting the flap - now hopefully they will put two and two together and come up with five, and he will be in the frame. No prawns for him today I bet, unless he ingratiates himself with "the pretty one."Just to be on the safe side, I am hiding under the bed - it was too cold outside. Why did the vase fall off? I blame that Isaac Newton fellow for inventing gravity. Before him, I expect the vase would have floated gently down to the ground. He has got a lot to answer for - I hope that apple landing on his bonce gave him a rotten headache. Now if cats had invented gravity, it would stop about two feet above the ground. Also, without gravity, us cats would be able to fly - we could have caught all the birds by now. I have attempted flying. I can do it downwards, but upwards is much more difficult - the best I have managed is about a second before being brought back down to earth with a nasty bump!

Now before I go, I have just noticed something strange about my blog - "there's an awful lot of strange things about his blog if you ask me!" What? How rude, who said that? No, seriously I have noticed text and pictures up the right hand side that have got nothing to do with me - advertisements! How did they get there? Looks like they were written by a bloke called Adsby Google - what a funny name. He must have hacked into my site. I've had a quick look at a few of them - do you know they keep changing. There's all sorts of rubbish encouraging the "housekeeping staff" to buy shoddy products for us cats. I'd steer well clear if I was you.

Well, that's my lot for today. Adsby must think that you folks who look at this stuff I churn out are a rum lot! There was an advert earlier for people with a "drink problem" - whatever that is. Drinking is easy, apart from nearly falling into the sink this morning that is. What a life! AlbertThe(gravity defying)Cat.

The Origin of Species According to Bert!

Hello folks. Things are still very tense around here. All three of us were waiting for the postman this morning, but fortunately there were no further reminders from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" about our dreaded appointment. We must remain vigilant at all times - I wouldn't put it past him to phone up. Mmm.... I wonder if I can chew through the telephone cable? Best get Tabby to do it in case it's dangerous. Anyway, enough of this, I feel very tired today. Only got up for breakfast, and that wasn't much to speak of, a small hand full of prawns - I don't usually get out of bed for less than a dozen! "How can you be tired, you've only just got up?" I hear you say. Us cats need our sleep - did you know, that often we spend up to 23 hours a day kipping, napping, or otherwise dead to the world. If I didn't get up early, I would never fit it all in.Once the postman had cleared off, I decided to go for a wander round my patch - thought a breath of fresh air might do me good. The garden looks very scruffy at this time of year, needs a good tidy up if you ask me. No one has asked me mind, but if they did, then that is what I would tell them. Have to get "the one I don't trust" on the job. I don't know what on earth he does with himself all day. Why do all the leaves disappear in the winter? One of life's little mysteries. I reckon it's to make it easier for us cats to see the birds. Probably back in the mists of time before humans had evolved to look after us, we had to fend for ourselves, and as food may have been a bit scarce in the winter, the great pussy cat in the sky decided to to blow away all the leaves so that we could see the little perishers.Now pay attention here, because I am going to let you in on something - did you know, humans were monkeys once? Yes, monkeys. Can you believe it - well, yes you can can't you. I mean there is a remarkable similarity. By the look of them, I reckon some folks evolved from monkeys a lot later than others. Take my lot, probably about five or six years ago, before my time. I'm sure I would have remembered something like that happening. I have it on good authority that they are going to change into pigs next, in fact it may already have started - when "the one I don't trust" came in the other night after a few drinks with his pals, he went to sleep in front of the telly and made some awful grunting noises. I'm sure I heard "the pretty one" call him a swine. This is all a bit worrying, because I don't think pigs can work a can opener - we could be back to fending for ourselves.Anyway, I've started to ramble on again - back to my stroll. I noticed that quite a few Spring flowers have braved the weather and have put their heads above the parapet. These must be the ones that escaped my digging frenzy in the Autumn when I played hunt the bulb with "the one I don't trust". Oh how I laughed, hours of endless fun - I think he must have enjoyed it as well, although you wouldn't have known it - miserable so and so! After the unfortunate incident with the snowdrop last week, it is probably best that I let them grow a bit more before I play with them, after all, I'm sure that is what they are for. You can see that in addition to my main hobby, ornithology, I also take a keen interest in horticulture.Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to check that the "housekeeping staff" haven't turned into anything else while my backs been turned. Better take a look in the mirror to make sure I'm still a cat - you can't be too careful. The only thing I'm planning to turn into in the near future is my bed. Can probably make time to fit in a spot of supper first. What a life! AlbertThe(evolving)Cat.

Don't Bury Your Head in the Sand!

Good day to you all. I'm still basking in the afterglow of last weeks epic victory. The celebrations went on all weekend. Tabby and Ginger Tail are still grizzling about the result, but I think following their little chat with Mad Harry and Slasher Sid, we will not be hearing too much from them for the time being.

Anyway, a new week and we must move on. As you know, I am a very keen ornithologist. Well, I saw a real strange site this morning. About four gardens along from us, they have hung some bird feeders out in the big tree - all full of nuts and things they are. I decided to investigate, so I hid behind a bush, and you'll never believe what I saw. About six or seven great big green things arrived and started stuffing all the food. "What on earth are they?" I thought. I was plucking up courage to pounce but thought better of it - I mean they had nasty red beaks that looked capable of delivering a painful peck! They had long tails and a red and black collar, and my word did they make a dreadful row.
Only one thing for it I thought - I must go to see wise Old Black Tom. As well as being a Returning Officer beyond reproach, he is also the fount of all knowledge in these parts. "Ring necked parakeets, my boy, ring necked parakeets" he said in a knowing voice. I guess they get their name because of the terrible squawking noise which makes you want to wring their necks! Old Black Tom tells me that they originally lived in hotter climes, but decided to move over here to England after we invented global warming. We've made such a good job of heating things up he tells me, that they can now survive the winter. What a wonderful thing this global warming is I thought - must have been invented by cats - far too clever for humans.

Old Black Tom did utter a word of caution though - if things carry on like this he said, all manner of other things might start moving in soon - he reckons something called an ostrich will be next, and do you know what, they are over eight foot tall. We will need to be a bit wary of these things he warned - not to be messed with. I can see what he means, after all, wouldn't they look daft perched on the telegraph wires and you wouldn't want to look up when one flew over would you - doesn't bear thinking about - and what about the size of birdtable. Apparently they have another strange habit - when they get worried they bury their heads in the sand! Personally I dive under the bed, but I suppose they are a bit too big for that.

I thought if all these other things start coming over here, we'll soon be full up. What will we do then? Perhaps we should start shipping things out to make room? Old Black Tom thought this was a very sound suggestion, and said the first thing he would unload were the dogs, as they serve no useful purpose. Seems a pretty good swap to me. I don't think an ostrich would be any more trouble than the snappy little Jack Russell that lives next door. I'd like to see the owner taking it for walkies though.

Well that's my lot for today. I will have to give this global warming lark a bit more thought. Not now though, it's all very taxing, and I think I need a nap. I had a bit of a scrape around in the muddy flowerbed before I went in, and as I walked across the kitchen floor, I heard "the one I don't trust" comment on the mess - I think he was referring to my carbon footprint, or should that be pawprint? Oh how I laughed! What a life! AlbertThe(environmentally sound)Cat.

A Bird in the Hand........

Hello again one and all. Firstly, to all of you who bothered to write to me after yesterday's agony column, many thanks, and to those of you who didn't - well please yourselves. Everyone, except George from Manchester seemed to think it a true milestone in feline literary achievement and a much needed service. I can count the negative comments on the fingers of one paw - there were six of them. Did you know that me and most of my extended family are hexadactyls - oh yes, in fact my Great Uncle Porky put it to great use, and was an accomplished pianist, or so he told me. He used to tell me lots of interesting facts, and do you know what, some of them were true. Must get round to learning the piano one day - after all, I have mastered a computer keypad, and surely that can't be an awful lot different to a piano. I digress, someone thought that I showed too much sensitivity, and for the good of the poor saps who had written in I should be more forthright. Possibly a fair criticism, after all I am a very caring cat. Enough of that for the time being - we will do it again in the near future. Keep sending me your problems.

It was a nice sunny morning in London today. After "the one I don't trust" had served me up a barely adequate breakfast of small, in fact very small, prawns, I decided to indulge my hobby - birdwatching. Oh yes, I am a keen twitcher. There are all sorts of things flitting around in the garden. No idea what most of them are called. They are very difficult to catch - being able to fly is a neat trick, something that despite repeated practice, I have so far been unable to manage. I've worked out, that the best bet is to hide behind the bushes and then leap out at them. The Spring is the best time of year for this. I get "the housekeeping staff" to help. "The one I don't trust" plants lots of seeds, or bait, as I think of it, to tempt our little feathered friends. I have spotted the flaw in his cunning plan - the netting he puts over the top stops the birds getting at the bait. When he goes in I help out by pulling down all the netting, and sure enough, loads of birds arrive. Last time I was just about to pounce when he came running out of the back door calling my name very loud and asking if I wanted extra prawns, something about having me stuffed I think he said -very thoughtful of him, but terrible timing - the little perishers were off like a shot.

He particularly dislikes the two pigeons that live nearby. They sit on the edge of the roof, and when they fly off, they occasionally deposit something most unpleasant on the kitchen window. Him and the "pretty one" were in the garden recently when this happened, and he was most annoyed. She said "don't worry, I will go and get some tissue paper from the loo to wipe it" - bit late for that I thought, it will be miles away by now!

This mornings little escapade was bought to a shuddering halt by my "stupid sister". I had one of the things in my sights, and was coiled like a spring ready to pounce when she appeared and plonked herself on the garden table. I think you will agree, that camouflage is not really something she has got to grips with. I mean no self respecting bird, not even a blind one is going to miss her. Time for lunch I thought and wandered in.

Well that's my lot for today. One final thing before I go - I have signed up on Facebook (click here) - still trying to fathom it all out, but "my poncy brother" reckons it is not suitable for me because I haven't got any friends - how rude! Help me prove him wrong. What a life! AlbertThe(nature loving)Cat.