Trivial Pursuits.......

I don't know where the time goes. "You spend most of it sleeping!" Who said that? It's Tabby, that poncy brother of mine again. As I was saying before being so rudely interrupted, time seems to fly past. Do you know it is seven days since I was last here - that is very nearly a week I think.

You'll be pleased to know, that I have not wasted the time, despite what Tabby thinks. I have discovered a new hobby. As regular readers will know, I have many varied intellectual interests, such as ornithology, horticulture, gastronomy, and of course late night ratting amongst the garbage bins in the back alley. Well over the last few days, I have taken up lepidoptery - "is there no end to your talents Bert" I hear you cry. "There most certainly are!" Heaven forbid, it's that pesky Tabby again. Bear with me a minute while I chase him off....................................................... That's better, we can continue without his unnecessary contribution.

Now, I realise that most of you are not as well educated as like what I am - "they must all be thick as planks to keep turning up here to read this rubbish." What! He's crept back in again already. Don't go away............................................................... Right, that will be the last we hear from him, I've chased him into next doors garden and the nasty little Jack Russell that lives there has him trapped up a tree. He could be there for hours if we are lucky.
Where was I - Oh yes, lepidoptery for the uninitiated is the study and collection of flutterbies, well I think that's what they are called. I was laying in the vegetable patch, alert as always, on top of my carrot plants that the one I don't trust kindly planted for me - they are most comfortable, when I spotted a flutterby land on one of the cauliflower plants. See, I told you I was a horticulturist, I know the names of all the plants. Anyway, I crept up behind it and admired it's beauty, the delicate lace-like wings, fragile thin legs and tiny body - one of natures triumphs. A cabbage white if I am not mistaken I thought. As it flew off, I leapt at least six feet into the air, and grabbed it with both paws. They don't taste of much, but they don't half tickle when you swallow them. Unfortunately, in the process, I plunged head first into the middle of the cauliflowers, flattening about half a dozen of them.

The one I don't trust saw all this, and came towards me shaking his fist. Thinking he must have a handful of prawns as a mark of his gratitude for me protecting his crops from the ravages of the cabbage white, I approached him expectantly. How wrong can you be! Anyway, as he seemed to have taken umbrage at some apparent slight, I decided to make a rapid exit, and hopped over the wall into next door. I completely forgot about the nasty little Jack Russell, and had to take swift evasive action. "Fancy seeing you here" said Tabby as I scrambled up the apple tree and sat next to him on the top branch. Oh how he laughed! I hate him I really do.Well that's your lot for today. I may be back later in the week, if I ever get out of this tree. How did it come to this - the indignity of it. Stuck up here with my poncy brother. Even the birds are laughing at me. "Don't worry" said Tabby, "someone is bound to call the fire brigade to rescue us if the dog doesn't clear off." Just what we need I thought, someone aiming a hosepipe at us! I never have liked trees - it's the bark you see! What do you mean it's a rotten joke. Under these somewhat trying circumstances it's the best I can do. What a Life! AlbertThe(arboreal)Cat.

The Return of Bert.....

Greetings one and all. I'm back. "About time too!" Who said that? How rude. Have you missed me? I said, have you missed me? Don't all shout at once will you. Well, the one I don't trust finally returned from his travels yesterday, and gave me my computer back. I've no idea where he has been. Everything seems to be getting back to normal. In a funny sort of way, I have quite missed him. Life has been pleasant without him, I mean the pretty one has spoilt us rotten, but without the little triumphs I enjoy in my ongoing battle with him, life somehow lacks a challenge.

He seemed quite pleased to see me - I think. Well, he gave me Tabby and Ginger Tail a decent handful of prawns each this morning. The first thing he did when he got back, was to take a look round the garden. Before he went away, he had spent a lot of time planting all manner of things. He even went to great lengths to protect seeds and plants from unwelcome visitors and pests. Now, I'm sure he didn't mean to include me in this, because I had no trouble in getting under the netting and through his amateurish fences to dig in my usual places. They present no challenge at all to a cat of my outstanding intellect. "Tell them how you got your head stuck in the hole in the fence" - it's that poncy brother of mine. I wish he would clear off.Anyway, moving swiftly on, the one I don't trust didn't seem all that impressed with my efforts. His main wrath however was reserved for the birds. He has planted some seed on the bare patches of scruffy grass that he laughingly calls a lawn. While he was standing at one end of the garden, a blackbird landed at the other and duly commenced to tuck in. In a state of near apoplexy he ran after it. The blackbird scooped up a final beakful of seed before flitting up on to the fence and chirping cheerfully in his general direction. This made things worse - he came towards me shaking his fist - "three cats on the payroll" he said, "and I've got birds eating the damn grass seed." He then threatened all three of us with reduced prawn rations if we didn't buck our ideas up. What an outrage I thought. I'm not standing for that.

What can I do to show him who is in charge round here. He has some cumbercu plants - I think that's what they are called. Small marrows I believe. Being a keen horticulturist, I am aware that they are classified as squashes - why are they called that I hear you ask. Obvious really, when I roll around it squashes them, Ho Ho Ho.....Well that's my lot for today. Just time to tell you about the little red things he has planted - most peculiar they are. Do you know I can hear them talk, very quietly though, in a whisper in fact. Unusual for a vegetable don't you think? They must be hoarse radishes! Ho Ho Ho.... I don't know where I get them from. Please yourselves, I thought it was funny. In case he is serious about his malicious threat to deprive me of prawns, I have decided to take up guard duty to keep the pesky blackbirds away. See you all next week. What a life! AlbertThe(ever alert)Cat.

Bert's Nature Notes.

Well here we are again. After yesterday's extravaganza, something a little more mundane but very educational. I went for a gentle stroll round the estate this morning, and thought I would share with you some of my observations. As you know, I am a keen ornithologist and horticulturist - whatever they are! It is a very interesting time of year in the garden you know. All the little things that disappeared during the winter have started to come back. The first thing of interest I noticed was a small brown and red thing flitting amongst the flowers, first one of the year. A sight to behold - a thing of rare beauty. It nearly bought a tear to my eye. I think they are called flutterbies, or something like that. Great fun to chase, but not good eating, very little flavour I find. The one I don't trust gets very agitated when I charge through the flowerbed to get at them.The trees and bushes are turning green, in fact many are bejewelled with yellow, pink, blue and white blossom that cascades gently to the ground in the breeze, like delicate flakes of snow, forming a pristine carpet of wondrous colours. I soon changed that - it was all over my favourite digging spot would you believe! Looks like a mud heap now.

I was disturbed by the sound of buzzing, and upon investigation, I saw a bumble bee that had just roused itself from it's winter slumber. It was busy darting from flower to flower. What an industrious little creature I thought, a lesson to us all. Apparently they make honey - no idea how they do it, but you have to admire them. I've seen a pot of the stuff in the kitchen. How the little fellows can lift it I do not know, and as for screwing on the lid, well that's anybodies guess. Now a word of warning to you other cats. Do not chase bees! They can seriously damage your health. They get very angry and pack a real punch. In my experience, anything in nature with black and yellow stripes is bad news - leave well alone. Take the tiger for example, we haven't got too many round here, but you wouldn't want to bump into one down the back alley when out for a bit of late night ratting would you?The dawn chorus filled the still early morning air with a breathtaking cacophony of melodious sound. Dreadful din, gave me a headache! What do you mean I wasn't up at dawn - who said that? Anyway, I'm sure it would have sounded just like that if I was up. The birds were flying around carrying twigs and bits of grass to construct their nests. A couple of pigeons have started to build in a tree in my garden. Damn cheek - I'll have to get that shifted, I mean no self respecting cat has a birds nest in his back garden do they?

Watching all the activity made me feel quite tired, so I decided to go inside for a snack and a lie down. On the way I paused to look at some beautiful little flowers that had just appeared. I took a sniff of their fragrant perfume and immediately sneezed! Anemonem.., anemononem.., anemononons.., anemonononies.., grrrrrr..... little pink things, they are called. I was so annoyed at their silly name, that I swatted one and sat on three more. That'll teach them I thought.

Well that's your lot for today. I hope you have enjoyed the little nature lesson. I expect you have learnt a lot. As you can see, it is a very special time of year or us nature lovers. We all have a role to play in caring for our environment. It was only the other day as I was walking through the kitchen that I was reminded of my own carbon paw print. "What on earth has that cat been walking in" shouted the one I don't trust. What a life! AlbertThe(eco-friendly)Cat.

I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud etc.............

I hope you all had a nice weekend. An uneasy truce has broken out here. A mutual understanding has developed between me and the one I don't trust - he seems to be serving up a reasonable number of prawns, and in return, I've stopped messing the place up too much. Let's hope we can get through until the end of the week, when the pretty one returns without any further unpleasantness.

The weather has taken a turn for the better - Spring has definitely sprung. Now that my crocuses have all been used up, I had a look round the garden this morning to see what I will have to play with next. I reckon it is going to be the daffodils - a host of golden ones in fact! Just a little bit of culture there for my well versed readers, both of you. There are plenty of them as well, daffodils that is, not well versed readers - I should have lots of fun swatting them over the next week or two. Probably best that I don't start until next week or he could construe my actions as being in breach of our truce!I think the Spring weather has got to him as well. He spent most of yesterday planting seeds in little trays. When they grow a bit he is going to plant them outside for me to play with. Now being a very perceptive cat, I have sensed that we may have a teeny weeny problem when the pretty one gets back. You see, he has filled the kitchen with these little trays - everywhere they are, on the windowsill, the worktops, some are even in the dark in the food cupboards - I don't think she is going to be very impressed when she sees it all.

The other problem is I don't know how long I can keep up this good behaviour charade. I was wandering around on the kitchen worktops as part of my nightly inspection of the premises and these little seed trays full of soil were all over the place. How I didn't tread in one I don't know - natural grace and agility I thought as I turned round and knocked a dish into the sink. I had to summon up all of my amazing self control to stop myself having a good dig. I'm not sure how long I will be able to keep it up for though - I mean one little dig won't hurt will it?

Q W E R T Y - sorry about that, my stupid sister is trying to swat a spider on the keyboard.

Well, that's my lot for today. As we're on the subject of gardening, have I told you my carrot joke? "Oh no, not another of his rotten jokes" who said that? How rude. Two women were sitting in the garden when one pointed and said "my husband died on that very spot there just as he was about to pull up some carrots for our dinner." "How awful, what happened" replied her friend. "I opened a can of peas" she said. Oh well, please yourselves. What a life! AlbertThe(conciliatory)Cat.

The Times They are a Changing!

Greetings folks and fellow cats. Still no sign of the appointment card from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year". The postman came and went this morning with no sign of it - they've probably forgotten about us by now. I reckon our very swift shredding of the original may have nipped this outrage in the bud. I think we can relax - I may stand down the guard. At the end of the day, us cats are just a little too clever.

Talking of buds, I heard some very worrying news on the telly last night. Something about Spring arriving 11 days early this year. Whose idea was that? Why can't these damn scientists just leave things as they are - I was quite happy with the existing arrangements. What a load of rubbish I thought, but there it was in black and white on the BBC website. So, this morning I went out into the garden to investigate. Now, we all know a snowdrop appeared recently - I soon put a stop to that - Ho Ho Ho.... Well, another one has appeared, along with some yellow crocuseseses, or whatever they are called. Now I've checked back in my diary, and it appears that it was nearing the end of February before I swatted my first crocus last year!

There must be some truth in this nonsense after all. My initial thought was - "what the heck, time for a nap," and I was wandering back to bed when something most disturbing hit me. The article referred to the food chain being disrupted. Apparently bees and the like can't be bothered to get up early to do what ever they do to the flowers, the upshot being no fruit and seeds. Now as I never eat fruit and seeds, I don't see what concern this is of mine. However, it then went on to say that even those at the top of the food chain will be effected. Now, I can assure you that round here, no one comes higher in the food chain than yours truly!! Must be why my prawns were late this morning. I must go and wake up all the bees - lazy little perishers.And another thing, where have those 11 days gone - do we get them back, or are they lost forever. I think we should be told, I mean someone must have them somewhere! What will they do with them - I bet they add them back on when we're not looking. Probably tag them on to the Winter. Is my birthday 11 days earlier - am I 11 days older? Have I missed out on 11 breakfasts, dinners and suppers - not to mention the accompanying snacks? Mark my words, no good will come of it. Things like time should be left well alone. Where will it end? If they keep making things earlier, I will have to get up before I go to bed! Aaaaggggghhhhhhhh.......... my brain is hurting! I must rest it.That's my lot for today. I'm off for a lie down in a darkened room. I bet they blame it all on global warming they usually do! Well tell me this then, if Spring is earlier and things are hotting up, why is it snowing outside? Answer that one then - not so clever now are you! What a life! AlbertThe(most distressed)Cat.

The Origin of Species According to Bert!

Hello folks. Things are still very tense around here. All three of us were waiting for the postman this morning, but fortunately there were no further reminders from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" about our dreaded appointment. We must remain vigilant at all times - I wouldn't put it past him to phone up. Mmm.... I wonder if I can chew through the telephone cable? Best get Tabby to do it in case it's dangerous. Anyway, enough of this, I feel very tired today. Only got up for breakfast, and that wasn't much to speak of, a small hand full of prawns - I don't usually get out of bed for less than a dozen! "How can you be tired, you've only just got up?" I hear you say. Us cats need our sleep - did you know, that often we spend up to 23 hours a day kipping, napping, or otherwise dead to the world. If I didn't get up early, I would never fit it all in.Once the postman had cleared off, I decided to go for a wander round my patch - thought a breath of fresh air might do me good. The garden looks very scruffy at this time of year, needs a good tidy up if you ask me. No one has asked me mind, but if they did, then that is what I would tell them. Have to get "the one I don't trust" on the job. I don't know what on earth he does with himself all day. Why do all the leaves disappear in the winter? One of life's little mysteries. I reckon it's to make it easier for us cats to see the birds. Probably back in the mists of time before humans had evolved to look after us, we had to fend for ourselves, and as food may have been a bit scarce in the winter, the great pussy cat in the sky decided to to blow away all the leaves so that we could see the little perishers.Now pay attention here, because I am going to let you in on something - did you know, humans were monkeys once? Yes, monkeys. Can you believe it - well, yes you can can't you. I mean there is a remarkable similarity. By the look of them, I reckon some folks evolved from monkeys a lot later than others. Take my lot, probably about five or six years ago, before my time. I'm sure I would have remembered something like that happening. I have it on good authority that they are going to change into pigs next, in fact it may already have started - when "the one I don't trust" came in the other night after a few drinks with his pals, he went to sleep in front of the telly and made some awful grunting noises. I'm sure I heard "the pretty one" call him a swine. This is all a bit worrying, because I don't think pigs can work a can opener - we could be back to fending for ourselves.Anyway, I've started to ramble on again - back to my stroll. I noticed that quite a few Spring flowers have braved the weather and have put their heads above the parapet. These must be the ones that escaped my digging frenzy in the Autumn when I played hunt the bulb with "the one I don't trust". Oh how I laughed, hours of endless fun - I think he must have enjoyed it as well, although you wouldn't have known it - miserable so and so! After the unfortunate incident with the snowdrop last week, it is probably best that I let them grow a bit more before I play with them, after all, I'm sure that is what they are for. You can see that in addition to my main hobby, ornithology, I also take a keen interest in horticulture.Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to check that the "housekeeping staff" haven't turned into anything else while my backs been turned. Better take a look in the mirror to make sure I'm still a cat - you can't be too careful. The only thing I'm planning to turn into in the near future is my bed. Can probably make time to fit in a spot of supper first. What a life! AlbertThe(evolving)Cat.