Dis-order in the Court!

"Right Ginger Tail, just pass me my funny wig and help me into my nice red robes." I said.
“Yes my lord, they make you look like Santa Claus" replied Ginger Tail. "We'll have less of your cheek!" I said sternly. I took a quick look in the mirror, and being most impressed with what I saw, I instructed my servant to lead on. Ginger Tail opened the door, and walked ahead of me. As I entered the room, wise Old Black Tom, the Clerk of the Court, stood up and announced in a very solemn voice,
“All rise for Lord Albert The Cat.”
Everyone in the court stood up and I strolled to my throne behind the big bench in the front. There was a nice fluffy cushion on it, ideal for a quick snooze. I was patting it down with my paws when I heard the words of Old Black Tom,
“The court is now in session, pray silence for Lord Chief Justice Albert The Cat.”
"I thought it was Santa Claus" said a voice from the back that sounded suspiciously like Tabby.I nodded, and everyone sat down.
“Righto” I said and asked Old Black Tom what was the first case. After all, he is a very clever cat, and knows everything.
“No idea" he replied. "Sorry m'lud" he said, "just my little joke!"
"Pray continue" I said.
“With pleasure m’lud” he replied. "Today’s case is the people, well the cats actually, versus the one Bert does not trust. Will the Sergeant at Arms please bring up the prisoner.”
There was a scuffling noise at the foot of the stairs, followed by much hissing and growling. Eventually, Riley, the biggest ginger cat you ever did see, dragged the one Bert does not trust into the dock.“I will now ask the Clerk of the Court to read out the charge sheet” I said.
“Thank you m’lud. The one Bert does not trust - you are charged that yesterday, with malice aforethought, you did grievously and wilfully, and with premeditated intent fail to provide Albert The Cat with a plentiful and tasty portion of prawns for his breakfast – How do you plead," said Old Tom, with all the dignity he could muster.
“Not guilty m’lud” replied the one I don't trust.
“What!!!” I exclaimed. “Not guilty, how ridiculous. Can we charge him with perjury and contempt of court as well?”
“Er, a splendid idea m’lud, but I am afraid there are no legal precedents for such action. Stupid as it may seem, the defendant does have the right to enter a plea of not guilty," said Old Tom sagely.
“Shame” I said, “let’s press on, I am very keen not to waste any more time, I’m looking forward to the sentencing!”
“Er, excuse me m’lud,” interjected the Clerk, “but don’t you mean the verdict?”
“Oh yes, of course, a tiresome formality we have to go along with” I replied, “very well can I please ask, who is appearing for the prosecution.”
“I am m’lud” said a scruffy looking brown cat with one eye and half an ear missing. It was none other than Mad Harry, “and I will be ably assisted by my deputy, Slasher Sid QC, and may I say m’lud how well you are looking, and how splendid you look in your nice red robes.”
“Most kind,” I replied, “and who is fighting the lost cause, oops sorry, slip of the tongue, who is appearing for the defence?”
“I am” said the one I don’t trust, “I am defending myself."
“Silence in Court” I cried.
"Er, excuse me m’lud", said the Clerk, "but outrageous as it may seem, he is allowed to do that.”
“Oh very well then, just get on with it” I said in frustration.
“I call upon the prosecution to open their case," said the Clerk.

Mad Harry QC rose to his feet – “I would like to call my first witness, Lord Albert The Cat.”
“Objection” shouted the one I don’t trust.
“Overruled” I said, and proceeded to take the witness stand.
“Please put your paw on the bible, and repeat after me” said the clerk, “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
“I’m the damn judge” I said, “of course I’m going to tell the truth, my word is law round here you know. What a lot of nonsense.”
“Er, yes m’lud, but I’m afraid it is another tiresome formality we have to go through” he replied.
“Very well” I said, “then can we get to the sentencing, er… verdict I mean?”
Mad Harry QC approached the witness box – “m’lud, on the morning in question, you rose from you slumbers quite naturally expecting your prawns to be served - can you please tell the court precisely what happened next.”
“I most certainly can,” I said, “the one I don’t trust, whose primary responsibility it is to care for me, went out and completely forgot the said prawns”
“And can you identify that person in this courtroom?” said Mad Harry QC.
“It’s him, the one in the dock” I said pointing at the one I don't trust.
“No further questions m’lud, I rest my case” said Mad Harry.
“Would the defence like to cross examine the witness” asked the Clerk.
“I most certainly would” said the one I don’t trust.“Silence in Court” I shouted, “never heard of such a thing, the defendant asking the judge questions. We’re not having that in my court. As there are no further witnesses, I will do my summing up for the jury before we adjourn for a light lunch of tuna and fresh salmon, and then return for the sentencing. Firstly, may I congratulate the prosecution team, led by Mad Harry QC, for the comprehensive and compelling case they have laid before us today. Their painstaking research and attention to detail clearly justifies the enormous fees they will be charging. Now, members of the jury, when you retire to consider your verdict, there is one thing that should be uppermost in your mind – the unimpeachable integrity of the chief witness. This is an open and shut case! In the unlikely event, that there are still any doubts in your mind, I will ask Mad Harry and Slasher Sid to sit in with you to advise on points of law if you get my drift. Right, that’s my lot, I’m off for a spot of lunch.”

“I think it is all going rather well so far” I said to Ginger Tail as we prepared to go back into court.
“Yes m’lud” she replied, "have you got a nice present for me in your big sack?"
“Ladies, gentlemen and cats of the jury, have you reached a verdict.” Said the Clerk.
“Yes we have” said the foreman, who just happened to be my poncy brother Tabby.
“Will the defendant please rise” said the Clerk, upon which point, Riley dug his claws into the leg of the one I don’t trust and he stood up sharply.
“Do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty”
Tabby said “we find the defendant............................ covered in hair!" Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........
"That's a strange verdict" I thought, as I was unceremoniously shoved off of my throne. "The chair, it's damn well covered in hair already, we only cleaned the place up yesterday. I bet that Bert is the main culprit" said the one I don't trust tersely. I woke up with a shock as I landed on the floor. Where am I? What's happening? Oh no, it was all a dream, just a dream. What a disappointment. Why did he wake me up just as we were getting to the good bit.Well, that's my lot for today. To finish on a lighter note, did I tell you about the cross eyed judge? He said to the first defendant, “how do you plead?” “Not guilty” replied the second defendant. “I wasn’t talking to you” the judge said. “I never said a word” replied the third defendant. Ho Ho Ho..... What do you mean you don't like it. Try this one then - the defendant said to the judge, “I don't recognize this court!” “Why not?” asked the Judge. “Because you’ve had it decorated since I was here last.” Ho Ho Ho..... oh well, please yourselves. What a Life! AlbertThe(hanging judge)Cat.

Writer's Block......

Hello again. I'm not really sure why you've all turned up here today. I've got nothing much to say. I think I must be suffering from writer's block, whatever that is. "Thank goodness for that!" What, how rude! We can do without that sort of comment thank you very much! Perhaps I'll just start rambling away, and see where it leads us. "Same as normal then!" I don't believe it, we can do without him as well - it's Tabby, my poncy brother. I thought he was asleep in the vegetable patch - amongst his intellectual equals! Ho Ho Ho... Bear with me while I get rid of him.............................. That's better, now where were we?

Did you all have a nice weekend? I had a very quiet one, nothing much happened. I spent some time thinking, must have been all of five minutes. It does us all good to reflect now and again I pondered as I sat in front of the mirror. What's that awful grating noise I hear you ask - I'm afraid it's the sound of a barrel being scraped. I've no sympathy for you, it's your own fault for still being here -I did warn you that this might be a rather thin offering. I'm surprised you've got this far.I suppose, there was one thing of note that happened. Ginger Tail, my stupid sister had been scratching a lot recently, and it hadn't gone unnoticed. "I think we need to flea her" said the pretty one. "We should probably do the lot of them" added the one I don't trust in a somewhat menacing manner. I was off like a robber's dog, if you'll pardon the expression, followed closely by Tabby. We sat outside the back door to watch the forthcoming entertainment. Ginger Tail was too daft to realise what was happening and continued to sleep soundly on the settee. The one I don't trust, crept up and grabbed her by the scruff of the neck, and despite much hissing and scratching - mainly from him, he soon had her in a headlock. The pretty one squeezed some evil smelling potion on to the back of her neck. Ginger Tail's neck that is, not her own neck you understand - I hope that's clear! When he released her, she spat at him, Ginger Tail that is, and then bolted out through the cat flap and hid in the Chrysanthemumumums, Chrysanthemumumums, damn and blast, I'll try again, Chrysanthemumumums....., stupid name! "Chrysanthemums, I think you mean" said Tabby in a condescending voice. "That's easy for you to say" I replied. I hate him, I really do! Anyway, she hid in the yellow flowers before taking up residence behind the watering can.Meanwhile back in the house, the one I don't trust couldn't understand why me and Tabby had shot off before he could do us as well. He really has got no idea, I mean I understand everything he says - does he think I'm thick? There's no need for you to answer that one! He was making idle threats about catching me and Tabby the next morning. Well, let me tell you this, you've got to be up pretty early in the morning to catch Bert!! "About eleven 'o' clock should do it" said Tabby. What a cheek!Well, that's my lot for today. I told you there wasn't much to talk about. Oh, one minor event I should mention in passing - it's the pretty one's birthday today, so I suppose I should wish her many happy returns. No idea how old she is, let's just say twenty nine, that should keep me in her good books, and ensure extra prawns. Mind you, don't they reckon that one cat year is the equivalent of seven of their years? Or is it the other way round? No, I think I'm right, so that would make her 29 x 7, which equals, err...... nine times seven, err...... three down carry six, err..... well, lets just say very old in cat years. Mind you though, it's not all bad - statistically speaking, those who have the most birthdays live longest! What a life! AlbertThe(thinking)Cat.

Once Upon a Time, There was this Frog.............

Well, where were we? oh yes - you will no doubt all be relieved to know that I managed to get down from that tree where I was marooned. The nasty, snappy little Jack Russell eventually tired itself out what with all that yapping. It was sitting at the bottom panting away, when my pal Riley wandered past. Now regular readers will know that Riley is a somewhat large ginger cat, with the physique of a baby elephant. His previous encounter with the Jack Russell ended with the miserable mutt belly-up in the middle of a rose bush. Fearing a repeat performance the nasty little thing scampered off rather sharpish with it's tail between it's legs.

"Hello old boy" said Riley, "I think it's safe for you to come down now." With some difficulty, me and my poncy brother climbed down the tree. "I'm most deeply obliged" I said to Riley as I arrived at the bottom in a crumpled heap. "Think nothing off it old boy" he replied, "how did you get yourself into such a predicament in the first place?" I recounted the whole sorry tale to Riley, who despite his best efforts found it hard not to laugh. Do you know, us cats find it a lot easier to climb up trees rather than down - that's why sometimes we get stuck up them. It's our claws you see - we dig them in and pull ourselves up. A bit like mountaineers with crampons on their boots. Try the same trick on the way down and see what happens - let's just say you get down a lot quicker than you get up!

Riley seemed impressed with my knowledge of mountaineering. "I wonder why the housekeeping staff have the urge to climb mountains" he said, "no self respecting cat would do such a daft thing." I told him of a telly programme I saw recently about Mount Everest. Years go it was almost impossible to get up the thing, but nowadays all and sundry stroll up. There are concerns about litter strewn all over the place. I reckon they must have installed escalators, and built a Starbucks at base camp. Apparently you can get a Big Mac at the summit. "He does ramble on doesn't he" said Tabby. "All very interesting" said Riley, "but I must be off, I think I hear the can opener. Good day to the pair of you," and with that he was gone.When we got back to my garden, a delightful little story was unfolding. Ginger Tail, my stupid sister, was excitedly ferreting about in a bush. She'd only managed to catch a frog - I didn't know she had it in her. "Where did you get it from?" I asked in amazement. "I caught it in the long grass by that new pond just along the road" she said proudly. We had all gathered round to admire her catch when the back door opened and the one I don't trust came marching down the path. He seemed less than impressed when he saw what we had got. "I don't want any of you lot eating it" he said, "it'll only be coughed up in the lounge." Eating it!! Eating it!! He must think we're French? He obviously thought the thing had croaked, ho ho ho...... just one of my little froggy jokes, as he went and got a trowel to bury it.

He was just about to commit the body to the ground - quite moving really, ashes to ashes, dust to dust and all that stuff, when the corpse did actually croak, not once but twice. All four of us jumped back in amazement, and the frog jumped up in the air, clearly annoyed at the prospect of imminent interment. "Blimey, it's alive!" he perceptively observed. The pretty one appeared on the scene, and was soon issuing instructions. The frog was put into a little plastic pot with some wet grass, and left to convalesce. After about an hour, recovery was deemed to be sufficient, and it was decided to take said frog along the road and rehouse him near a little stream called The Thames, that runs nearby. Off they went, clearly savouring one of their few victories over us cats. Oh well, I thought as I dozed off on the settee, you can't win them all - although I usually do.A little while later my peaceful slumber was rudely interrupted as the door burst open, and the creature from the black lagoon stormed in. I dived under the stairs, well, you can't be too careful can you. Upon closer inspection, it was the one I don't trust. Something wonderful had happened - he had fallen down the river bank into the mud. If only the tide had been up, he might have been washed away for good. It turns out, the pretty one had made him clamber along the bank to a spot she deemed appropriate for the relaunch of Mr Frog, and he lost his footing. Oh how I laughed. The aroma was foul, as was his mood. The pretty one arrived, and blamed him for the fiasco, he in turn blamed us cats for catching the frog in the first place, and the frog croaked away quite happily in it's new home.

Well, that's my lot for today. I think you will all agree, a charming little tale. I love a happy ending. Did you here about the chap who went into a French restaurant, looked at the menu and said "waiter, have you got frog's legs?" "Oh yes sir" the waiter replied. "Well hop over here and take the order!" the chap said. What do you mean you've heard it before! There's no pleasing some people. What a Life! AlbertThe(corny)Cat.

Summertime and the Going is Easy....

Who wrote that rubbish, I've never heard of anything so stupid. Summertime is not easy at all. We have just endured a hot, sunny weekend here in London. Thank goodness it's Monday, that's all I can say. As you may have noticed, I've been taking it rather easy recently - what do you mean you hadn't noticed! I don't know why I bother. Anyway, I felt compelled to put pen to paper (or should that be paw to keyboard?) today.

A little bit of sunshine, and the locals go stark raving mad. I don't know what gets into them - they all seem to take to their gardens and get up to the most ludicrous things. All my little haunts where I creep off to for a quiet nap, all taken over by people in funny clothes laying about on the grass, and getting up to all sorts of ridiculous things. The only place to get a decent kip is indoors, all the houses are empty. I'm just pleased most of them have cleared off back to work this morning and left me in peace. What a weekend I've had.I don't know where to start - barbecues seems as good a place as any. Now I thought a barbecue was a long line of people waiting to have their hair cut. It's not compulsory to laugh at this point, but please do try!! Anyway, what a strange ritual this is. The men, who often don't even know where the kitchen is, all of a sudden think they can cook. The sweet scent of the summer flowers is completely overwhelmed by the fragrant aroma of burnt sausage, and the bright sunshine all but obliterated by wafts of smoke that resemble a November fog rolling in off the North Sea.

Why do they do it? I mean who wants to eat meat that is burnt to a cinder on the outside and raw in the middle - must be an acquired taste. So as not to be left out, we had a barbecue in our back garden. The one I don't trust put a skewer of prawns on. "Bert will like one of these" he said. Well, I would have done before he got his hands on them. He threw one in my direction. Good job I ducked - if it'd hit me, it would have knocked me out! He seemed genuinely put out when I turned my nose up at it. Now I've got a pretty good set of choppers, but even I couldn't bite through it. And another thing it smelt like it had been gently tossed in a petrol and crushed coal marinade before cooking - not to my taste at all, but they ate them.I wandered off in search of peace, but in every garden I came to, similar things were going on. People of all shapes and sizes eating burnt food, their eyes running from the smoke, their faces slowly going bright red, and all dressed in funny clothes. Most of them were wearing shorts. Now some people..... how can I put this delicately...... let us just say people of a certain size and leave it at that, shouldn't be allowed to wear shorts. What a sight! I think a licence should be necessary to wear shorts. In another garden, I heard a woman tell her daughter in a very loud voice that all the neighbours could hear, to go and play in the swimming pool. Swimming pool I thought, they've put that in quick, they didn't have one yesterday. When I looked, it was nothing more than a plastic blow up thing with a couple of inches of water in it. If I had a bit of a thirst on, I could drink it in one go. I even had a look out into the front street, and all I could see was an Englishmen taking his mad dog for a walk in the mid-day sun. A little joke for my more cultured readers - all three of you.

Well, that's my lot for today. I hate the hot weather, roll on winter that's what I say. I heard the pretty one say "that sun is very hot today." The one I don't trust replied "well don't touch it then" before collapsing into fits of laughter. She gave him an icy stare - there could be a cold front moving in any time now! What a life! AlbertThe(scorched)Cat.

Staff Problems...

I'm not very happy today - problems with the housekeeping staff you see. They've been getting a bit too familiar lately, taking liberties if you know what I mean. Only yesterday the pretty one referred to me as "Bertie Boy." Yes, "Bertie Boy." Outrageous I hear you say. I don't mind my friends calling me Bert, but "Bertie Boy!!!!" I think the staff should stick to Albert. When you are in a position of authority like my good self you must maintain standards. It's the thin end of the wedge. Before you know it, one thing leads to another and heaven forbid, she'll be picking me up. "I'd like to see her try, you must weigh half a ton" Who said that? It's my poncy brother, how rude, I wish he'd clear off.

Anyway, you get my point. I indulge her occasionally and let her stroke me, especially if there is a prawn in it, but I do draw the line at being picked up! The one I don't trust tries it occasionally. Last time it happened, I was crated up and taken to see the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year. I managed to inflict quite a bit of damage to his arm. He made a dreadful fuss, but it was only a flesh wound.I am getting a bit worried about their attitude. Take this morning for example. For some reason they had to be up early - miserable as sin they were, arguing with each other, banging about - it really disturbed my beauty sleep. "You need plenty of that!" It's that damn brother of mine again, I thought he'd gone. They should think themselves lucky that I give them a few hours off to get some sleep. They were in such a rush to get out, that they neglected to give me my prawns for breakfast. I heard her tell him to make sure we were OK. "They're fine" he said, "they won't starve." Then they rushed out the door leaving only a dish full of biscuits and water. You'd expect better service in a doss house wouldn't you.

I need to teach them a lesson, let them know who's boss. "Perhaps you should disappear for a few hours, or days even, that would be better" said Tabby. "They'll be really worried." Not a bad idea I thought so off I went. After a couple of hours, I got a bit peckish, and I thought they would have seen the error of their ways, so I decided to go back. When I arrived, the staff were already there. I crept in through the flap and Tabby was waiting. "Have they missed me, are they worried?" I asked. "Oh yes" said Tabby, "they are mortified, so much so that they had to have a sit down and watch telly." I took a peep and I must say they appear to have recovered very well from the shock! "They put a big heap of prawns down when they got back. We thought you were staying away for ages. It seemed a shame for yours to go to waste, so me and Ginger Tail scoffed the lot - they were lovely" said Tabby who appeared to be semi-convulsed with laughter - I hate him, I really do.

Well, that's my lot for today. I can't believe the bad luck I have. I thought black cats were supposed to be lucky, and I'm sort of half black. That brother of mine is no help. He's the type of cat, that just when you think you've hit rock bottom, he throws you a shovel. One day I'll sort him out. I'm going to go and sit next to the one I don't trust and lull him into a false sense of security. I'll show him. Think I'll go outside and sharpen up the old claws on his cherry tree first. What a life! AlbertThe(disgruntled)Cat.

It's a Frogs Life!

Good day to you all. What a tough weekend I've had. You will recall, the one I don't trust threatened to reduce my already meagre prawn ration if I didn't keep the blackbirds off of his newly planted grass seed. I've been out on guard duty in all weathers - thunderstorms, hail, gales, lightning, tornadoes, you name it, we've had it. "What are you talking about - nothing more than a spot of drizzle and a gentle breeze." Don't tell them that! It's my stupid sister, I wish she would shut up. Anyway, moving on , I can safely say that no blackbird has eaten even one seed. "What about those two pigeons who were so stuffed - they could hardly take off?" Look, I won't tell you again, shut up! Ooh, she is a nuisance.Yesterday was a public holiday. It poured down most of the day. Apparently it always rains on such occasions. Personally I don't agree with the things, I mean why on earth do they need another holiday - it is a real pain. The housekeeping staff just loaf about, not knowing what to do with themselves. All the time they were hanging about the place I had to pretend to be on guard duty. At least they have cleared off today leaving me in peace to go and have a nice kip on the bed. He will never know if anything has eaten the seeds - I doubt if they will grow anyway, not after I've had a good roll on them, well, the ones that are left that is. Hoe Hoe Hoe.... pay attention, that was just one of my little gardening jokes!

While I was taking a break from the arduous guard duty, I had a little stroll around the local patch. A few gardens along, there is a pond. I was looking into it, hoping one of the little fishes would come up to the top when I heard this strange croaking noise behind me. Would you believe it, a frog jumped out of the grass, straight into the pond, and splashed water all over me. It gave me quite a turn! Anyway, after I came down from the tree, I had another look, and do you know, the pond was full of little black things swimming about. Now, for the uninitiated these are called tadpoles and apparently they turn into frogs - a neat little trick, no idea how they do it.

I expect you are impressed, you didn't know that along with my many other talents - ornithology, horticulture, etc. I am also a keen naturist. Are there no ends to your talents Bert, I hear you cry. "There most certainly are." Who said that? "You mean naturalist not naturist" laughed Tabby. It's my poncy brother, what's he doing here? "A naturist is someone who likes running around without any clothes on" he said, "remember, just like you after the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year had to shave you after the unfortunate incident with the pot of green paint when you were a kitten, oh how we laughed." We won't go into that! I hate him, I really do. What does he know anyway. "Why do people who know about frogs have to take their clothes off?" I shrewdly asked. He had no answer. He really shouldn't get involved in arguments with a cat of my intellect. Anyway, how was I to know that old can was full of paint.
Well, that's my lot for today. Suppose I'd better get back on sentry duty before the one I don't trust returns. The damn pigeons will be back for their lunch I expect. I reckon they are redundant carrier pigeons. What with e-mail and text messaging they have too much time on their hands. Nothing to do all day but eat our grass seed. The things I have to put up with. What a life! AlbertThe(fully clothed)Cat.

The Return of Bert.....

Greetings one and all. I'm back. "About time too!" Who said that? How rude. Have you missed me? I said, have you missed me? Don't all shout at once will you. Well, the one I don't trust finally returned from his travels yesterday, and gave me my computer back. I've no idea where he has been. Everything seems to be getting back to normal. In a funny sort of way, I have quite missed him. Life has been pleasant without him, I mean the pretty one has spoilt us rotten, but without the little triumphs I enjoy in my ongoing battle with him, life somehow lacks a challenge.

He seemed quite pleased to see me - I think. Well, he gave me Tabby and Ginger Tail a decent handful of prawns each this morning. The first thing he did when he got back, was to take a look round the garden. Before he went away, he had spent a lot of time planting all manner of things. He even went to great lengths to protect seeds and plants from unwelcome visitors and pests. Now, I'm sure he didn't mean to include me in this, because I had no trouble in getting under the netting and through his amateurish fences to dig in my usual places. They present no challenge at all to a cat of my outstanding intellect. "Tell them how you got your head stuck in the hole in the fence" - it's that poncy brother of mine. I wish he would clear off.Anyway, moving swiftly on, the one I don't trust didn't seem all that impressed with my efforts. His main wrath however was reserved for the birds. He has planted some seed on the bare patches of scruffy grass that he laughingly calls a lawn. While he was standing at one end of the garden, a blackbird landed at the other and duly commenced to tuck in. In a state of near apoplexy he ran after it. The blackbird scooped up a final beakful of seed before flitting up on to the fence and chirping cheerfully in his general direction. This made things worse - he came towards me shaking his fist - "three cats on the payroll" he said, "and I've got birds eating the damn grass seed." He then threatened all three of us with reduced prawn rations if we didn't buck our ideas up. What an outrage I thought. I'm not standing for that.

What can I do to show him who is in charge round here. He has some cumbercu plants - I think that's what they are called. Small marrows I believe. Being a keen horticulturist, I am aware that they are classified as squashes - why are they called that I hear you ask. Obvious really, when I roll around it squashes them, Ho Ho Ho.....Well that's my lot for today. Just time to tell you about the little red things he has planted - most peculiar they are. Do you know I can hear them talk, very quietly though, in a whisper in fact. Unusual for a vegetable don't you think? They must be hoarse radishes! Ho Ho Ho.... I don't know where I get them from. Please yourselves, I thought it was funny. In case he is serious about his malicious threat to deprive me of prawns, I have decided to take up guard duty to keep the pesky blackbirds away. See you all next week. What a life! AlbertThe(ever alert)Cat.

Off with a Bang, or Going with the Flow!

What a pleasant surprise for you lot. You didn't expect to hear from me again until next week, did you? This is a little bonus. You will recall, the last time I wrote, the one I don't trust was going away until next week - excellent news, but the drawback being that he took my computer with him. Well, would you believe it, he only went and turned up on the doorstep this morning. You could have knocked me down with a feather. We have been enjoying a rare old time - the pretty one has spoilt us rotten. Extra prawns, sleeping all night (and most of the day) on the bed, no abuse when digging holes in the garden - it's been truly wonderful, how life should be.

Why has he come back early I hear you cry. Apparently he was supposed to get on an aeroplane this morning but a volcano erupted! I immediately dived under the bed, you can't be too careful can you! I'm sure I would have noticed a volcano going off, I mean, not much gets past me! It would have woken me up. He insists it's true though.Apparently the volcano is a little way north of here - in the next road I expect. It has chucked out so much ash and dust, that nothing is allowed to fly. What an opportunity I thought - I rushed straight out into the garden to see what the birds were up to. I mean if they can't fly, it should be easy for me to catch the little critters. Much to my disappointment, no one seems to have told them, because they were still flitting about as usual. They ought to be careful though, I mean if they fly over the top of the volcano they will roast - Mmmmmm.... roast pigeon, very tasty!

As regular readers know, we live in London, near the airport, so aeroplanes fly over our back garden all day, and most of the night! Damn nuisance they are - every time I doze off, another one goes over the top. Now come to think of it, we haven't seen one for days now, so there must be some truth in this. I wonder how long this will go on for - until the dust settles I expect, Ho Ho Ho..... There is some good news - the return home by the one I don't trust is only temporary. He is off again tomorrow, having made alternative arrangements to travel by train. Not sure where he is off to, don't really care actually, as long as he goes! He is going to take my computer again, so I won't be back until next week when he returns.Well, that's my lot for today. It's all I've got time for. I was going to tell you all about my recent exploits in the garden but that will have to wait. To cut a long story short, he planted lots of seeds before he went away, and then devised a cunning plan to stop me rolling on top of them. When he finds out his plan failed there could well be a volcano closer to home - he will blow his top! I've always said he was full of hot air! I'm off to look for the volcano, I can smell roast pigeon. See you next week. What a Life! AlbertThe(quaking)Cat.

Good News and Bad News!

Greetings folks. What a day I've had! There is some really hot news - very good news for me, but not so good for you lot. I don't know where to begin.

Probably best to start with the good news. The housekeeping staff were talking this morning, and as I like to keep abreast of what is going on around here, I was earholing their conversation from behind a chair. The one I don't trust is going away for a couple of weeks. At first I was horrified, as I assumed the pretty one would go with him, and we would be shipped off to Camp Colditz to endure the harsh regime presided over by the evil camp commandant. But no, she is staying here to look after me and the other two.

Wonderful news isn't it? I mean he is a damn nuisance and we will be well shot of him for a while. Good riddance is what I say. I can't wait for him to clear off. The pretty one is extremely gullible - I can wrap her round my little finger. I can see it now, prawns for breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper, not forgetting snacks between meals and my little treats for being good. I'm sure the menu will be far superior to the somewhat sparse rations he provides. I'll be able to sleep on the bed as well if I play my cards right - he gets a little touchy about this, especially if I come in after a bit of late night digging in the rain.What is the bad news then I hear you ask. Well, it's not that bad for me, but it could be traumatic for you lot. Now brace yourselves - you see, when he goes away he is going to take my computer with him, so I won't be able to share these rather eloquent missives with you. What, no Bert's Blog for a couple of weeks, I hear you cry. I know how distressed you must be. How will you get by? "I bet they're delighted not to have to read that rubbish for a fortnight." Who said that? It's my poncy brother, Tabby - I hate him I do really. Just wait until I get my paws on him. Yes, it's true, I will be off-line for the duration. Still, every cloud has a silver lining as they say. In recognition of my generosity in letting him take my computer, he gave me an extra handful of prawns. It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good. "That's enough corny old cliches." I wish Tabby would shut up - he is a pain in the neck. Cliches indeed, I'm fed up to the back teeth with them.Well that's your lot for today, and the next couple of weeks in fact. Must be off, that poncy brother of mine is already ingratiating himself with the pretty one. I must make sure he doesn't get more prawns than me. I will be back around the end of the month. I just hope you can get by without me. "I expect we'll manage." Who said that? How rude! What a Life! AlbertThe(Off-line)Cat.

Bert's Nature Notes.

Well here we are again. After yesterday's extravaganza, something a little more mundane but very educational. I went for a gentle stroll round the estate this morning, and thought I would share with you some of my observations. As you know, I am a keen ornithologist and horticulturist - whatever they are! It is a very interesting time of year in the garden you know. All the little things that disappeared during the winter have started to come back. The first thing of interest I noticed was a small brown and red thing flitting amongst the flowers, first one of the year. A sight to behold - a thing of rare beauty. It nearly bought a tear to my eye. I think they are called flutterbies, or something like that. Great fun to chase, but not good eating, very little flavour I find. The one I don't trust gets very agitated when I charge through the flowerbed to get at them.The trees and bushes are turning green, in fact many are bejewelled with yellow, pink, blue and white blossom that cascades gently to the ground in the breeze, like delicate flakes of snow, forming a pristine carpet of wondrous colours. I soon changed that - it was all over my favourite digging spot would you believe! Looks like a mud heap now.

I was disturbed by the sound of buzzing, and upon investigation, I saw a bumble bee that had just roused itself from it's winter slumber. It was busy darting from flower to flower. What an industrious little creature I thought, a lesson to us all. Apparently they make honey - no idea how they do it, but you have to admire them. I've seen a pot of the stuff in the kitchen. How the little fellows can lift it I do not know, and as for screwing on the lid, well that's anybodies guess. Now a word of warning to you other cats. Do not chase bees! They can seriously damage your health. They get very angry and pack a real punch. In my experience, anything in nature with black and yellow stripes is bad news - leave well alone. Take the tiger for example, we haven't got too many round here, but you wouldn't want to bump into one down the back alley when out for a bit of late night ratting would you?The dawn chorus filled the still early morning air with a breathtaking cacophony of melodious sound. Dreadful din, gave me a headache! What do you mean I wasn't up at dawn - who said that? Anyway, I'm sure it would have sounded just like that if I was up. The birds were flying around carrying twigs and bits of grass to construct their nests. A couple of pigeons have started to build in a tree in my garden. Damn cheek - I'll have to get that shifted, I mean no self respecting cat has a birds nest in his back garden do they?

Watching all the activity made me feel quite tired, so I decided to go inside for a snack and a lie down. On the way I paused to look at some beautiful little flowers that had just appeared. I took a sniff of their fragrant perfume and immediately sneezed! Anemonem.., anemononem.., anemononons.., anemonononies.., grrrrrr..... little pink things, they are called. I was so annoyed at their silly name, that I swatted one and sat on three more. That'll teach them I thought.

Well that's your lot for today. I hope you have enjoyed the little nature lesson. I expect you have learnt a lot. As you can see, it is a very special time of year or us nature lovers. We all have a role to play in caring for our environment. It was only the other day as I was walking through the kitchen that I was reminded of my own carbon paw print. "What on earth has that cat been walking in" shouted the one I don't trust. What a life! AlbertThe(eco-friendly)Cat.

Variety is the Spice of Life....

Hello. I'm not feeling too good at all today. What a night I've had! I blame the housekeeping staff, and in particular the one I don't trust. If it wasn't for their slovenly habits I wouldn't be in this state. After supper last night I decided to go and do a bit of ratting - along with ornithology and horticulture, it is one of my favourite hobbies. I met up with Mad Harry and Slasher Sid, and we went to one of our chosen spots - the communal garbage bins round the back of a nearby apartment block. We didn't have much luck, but you should have seen the size of the one that got away!

After a couple of hours it started to rain so I decided to call it a night and wandered back home. I was feeling a bit peckish, and as everyone else had gone to bed I thought I would have a little look around to see if there was anything on offer. I was walking along the kitchen top by the sink and sure enough, there was a stack of dirty plates, pots, pans, etc. How bone idle I thought, they haven't bothered to do the washing up after supper. However, my contempt for their laziness was soon overcome by delight - I couldn't believe my eyes. Inside one of the pots were lots of really juicy prawns, although they were covered in a rather strange smelling sauce.Too good to be true I thought, and was about to sample one, when I heard Tabby come into the kitchen. "I wouldn't eat those if I were you" he said, "they won't do you any good." Surely he didn't think I would fall for that old trick. He's not having any I thought, he's just trying to curry favour. Quick as a flash, I scoffed the lot. "You haven't eaten them have you?" asked Tabby in amazement. He called to Ginger Tail, "he's only gone and eaten those prawns!" Ginger Tail came running over, and they both stood there and gawped at me. At this point I smelt a rat, which is more than I'd managed earlier. What do they know that I don't? "Guess what they had for supper last night" said Ginger Tail? "Big fat prawns," I replied. "Prawn curry!" said Ginger Tail. All of a sudden, this strange feeling came over me. My mouth was on fire, and I swear steam was coming out of my ears. Good job there was water in the sink - in my rush to swill the stuff down I very nearly fell in. Oh how they laughed. I've never drunk so much in my life. I spent the rest of the night drinking the garden puddles and digging in the flower beds if you get my drift.

Well that's my lot for today. I cannot understand how they can eat the stuff. Do you know, they pick up the phone and in about half an hour some bloke brings it round to the door. I heard him on the phone the other night. "Do you deliver?" he said. "No sir, we do chicken, lamb and prawn, but no liver" the bloke at the other end replied. Ho Ho Ho... What do you mean it's a rotten joke! In my delicate condition it is the best I can do. What a waste of perfectly good prawns. I reckon the one I don't trust left them by the sink on purpose to try and poison me. Still, wait until he sees what I've done to his flowerbed! What a life! AlbertThe(fire-breathing)Cat.

An Idiot's Work is Never Done...

Hello again. You've probably missed me for the last couple of days, I've been keeping my head down. "Have you? we didn't notice." Who said that? How rude! Things are on a knife edge round here – the fragile truce is holding, but only just. We got off to a shaky start this morning. When the one I don’t trust surfaced, he was greeted by a rather impressive hairball that I had earlier left at the bottom of the stairs. He was less than impressed and started using all sorts of unpleasant language, mostly aimed in my direction. He had no proof at all it was me. It could quite easily have been my stupid sister or my poncy brother. It is outrageous that he should blame me. I was going to unilaterally call off our truce – this is how wars start, I thought. You can’t go around making false allegations without expecting the other side to retaliate. “Hang on a minute Bert, I thought it was you that dumped the hairball!!” Which clever reader said that? If you want to split hairs, so to speak, then I suppose you have a point, however it is the principle we are dealing with here.Anyway, he's in a foul mood. The pretty one comes home tomorrow after two weeks away. He has been cleaning the place up and my word it certainly needs it. The damn vacuum cleaner has been out - I hate that thing! He was getting stuck into it when she called him on the phone. I overheard the conversation - well his end of it. It mainly consisted of him repeating the words "yes dear" over and over again in a monosyllabic voice. That's a long word for a cat isn't it - I'll have to try and use it more often! I digress, he then said in an exasperated voice, "but I'm doing it now, I had to stop to answer the phone." I can only assume, she was issuing him with his instructions. He then called upon higher powers for assistance - well I think he did "God help us" he cried, although I did notice he had his hand over the mouthpiece as he said it! "I must go, there's someone at the door" he said as he quietly opened the front door and pushed the bell. What a nasty piece of work he is.

Well, as you can imagine, it is going to be a long job - there is furious activity, absolutely everything is being attacked with the vacuum cleaner - he even used it to clean the bath and the cooker. The noise is unbearable, banging and crashing about he is, and the language was truly awful - I must stop using it. This is no place for a sensitive cat like me, so I cleared off. When I came back for lunch a few hours later, it had quietened down. I must give him his due, you can't recognise the place. I noticed the difference immediately as I strolled through the kitchen - my paws didn't stick to the floor. He was finishing off in the lounge - he sprayed polish into the air, "smells like I have polished the furniture" he chuckled to himself, "she'll never know." See, what did I tell you - a nasty piece of work!

He was admiring his handiwork when I appeared "don't you or the other two reprobates dare mess this up before she gets back!!" he said in a threatening manner. To be honest with you I was not at all enamoured with his attitude. I immediately had a good scratch and pulled out a tuft of hair. He was apoplectic - that's another good word for a cat isn't it. I think he got my drift, because after he had cleaned up the hair, he calmed down a bit. "I suppose you want your lunch now" he said. What a stupid question, why else does he think I am here.Well, that's my lot for today. We now await the triumphant return of the pretty one tomorrow. He has to go and collect her from the airport. The big question is, do I mess the place up while he fetches her? The upside is that he will get his comeuppance, but the downside is that it might put her in a bad mood, and she could well decide not to shower me with treats to express her delight at seeing me again. I wandered off to ponder the dilemma, and saw Tabby sitting on the fence. "He's done his chores" I said. "What chores?" said Tabby. "How kind" I replied, "I'll have half a dozen prawns." Oh how I laughed. Tomorrow looks like being a little hectic, so I may not be here. Do not fear though, I will return as normal next week. What a life! AlbertThe(erudite)Cat.

I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud etc.............

I hope you all had a nice weekend. An uneasy truce has broken out here. A mutual understanding has developed between me and the one I don't trust - he seems to be serving up a reasonable number of prawns, and in return, I've stopped messing the place up too much. Let's hope we can get through until the end of the week, when the pretty one returns without any further unpleasantness.

The weather has taken a turn for the better - Spring has definitely sprung. Now that my crocuses have all been used up, I had a look round the garden this morning to see what I will have to play with next. I reckon it is going to be the daffodils - a host of golden ones in fact! Just a little bit of culture there for my well versed readers, both of you. There are plenty of them as well, daffodils that is, not well versed readers - I should have lots of fun swatting them over the next week or two. Probably best that I don't start until next week or he could construe my actions as being in breach of our truce!I think the Spring weather has got to him as well. He spent most of yesterday planting seeds in little trays. When they grow a bit he is going to plant them outside for me to play with. Now being a very perceptive cat, I have sensed that we may have a teeny weeny problem when the pretty one gets back. You see, he has filled the kitchen with these little trays - everywhere they are, on the windowsill, the worktops, some are even in the dark in the food cupboards - I don't think she is going to be very impressed when she sees it all.

The other problem is I don't know how long I can keep up this good behaviour charade. I was wandering around on the kitchen worktops as part of my nightly inspection of the premises and these little seed trays full of soil were all over the place. How I didn't tread in one I don't know - natural grace and agility I thought as I turned round and knocked a dish into the sink. I had to summon up all of my amazing self control to stop myself having a good dig. I'm not sure how long I will be able to keep it up for though - I mean one little dig won't hurt will it?

Q W E R T Y - sorry about that, my stupid sister is trying to swat a spider on the keyboard.

Well, that's my lot for today. As we're on the subject of gardening, have I told you my carrot joke? "Oh no, not another of his rotten jokes" who said that? How rude. Two women were sitting in the garden when one pointed and said "my husband died on that very spot there just as he was about to pull up some carrots for our dinner." "How awful, what happened" replied her friend. "I opened a can of peas" she said. Oh well, please yourselves. What a life! AlbertThe(conciliatory)Cat.

Revenge is Mine..... Well Sort of!

What an outrage! What an absolute outrage! The one I don’t trust took my computer away yesterday in a childish display of petulance. Just because there were a few minor mishaps at my little soiree. I must thank all my pals for their messages of understanding and support. He really doesn’t know what he is up against – if he wants to play silly games he is well out of his depth . When it comes to acts of crass stupidity, then he is up against an acknowledged expert in the field. Mmmm... that doesn’t quite sound right but you get my drift.

I can't let this pass I thought, I'll get him back. After supper last night, I decided that the three of us should clear off until the morning. Tabby and Ginger Tail were reluctant at first, but when I advised that Mad Harry and Slasher Sid may pay a visit if they broke rank they quickly came round to my way of thinking. It was a foul night, bucketed down with rain for hours. I lost touch with the other two - I expect they were taking shelter under a tree or something. Anyway, I returned home late this morning after the one I don't trust had risen from his pit. I sat on the backdoor step, shivering and soaked to the skin - like a drowned rat I looked. "This'll show him" I thought.When I eventually went in, the other two were sitting on the settee, licking their lips. They looked strangely dry! "Oh hello, fancy seeing you" said Tabby in a surprised voice. "How long have you been in here?" I asked. "Just arrived this very minute" he said sheepishly. "Well how come you are both bone dry?" I replied as quick as a flash - not much gets past me! "We were hiding two gardens away, and it wasn't raining there" said Ginger Tail. I recalled last night's weather forecast - it said localised heavy downpours. Obviously very local indeed. How lucky they were.

"Where is he then - is he worried?" I asked. "Who?" said Tabby. "The one we don't trust of course." "Oh him, he went out about five minutes ago" said Tabby. "Just after he had given us our prawns" said Ginger Tail, "they were nice and fresh this morning, just how we like them." "That's good" I thought. "Where are mine then?" "Well, we weren't expecting you back so soon, so we ate them for you" chuckled Tabby. Oooh I was livid. I stood there in a puddle of rainwater with all the dignity I could muster. I hate those two I really do!"Still" I said, "I bet he was in a right state - how's he going to explain my absence to the pretty one in his daily bulletin." "To be honest" said Tabby, breaking the habit of a lifetime, "I don't think he noticed - he was in a bit of a rush you see." Things had started badly, and were going slowly down hill. There was only one thing for it, I went straight out into the garden and decimated the remaining crocuses. After a good roll in the mud I went up to the bedroom and fortunately he had left his freshly washed favourite jumper laying on a chair. Too good an opportunity I thought - the perfect place for a good clean up before a much needed nap.Well that's my lot for today. As I dozed off, I was thinking what else I could do to teach him a lesson. The curtain rail I thought - he put it back up again yesterday. What a pigs ear he made of it as well. It's all scew-whiff. I reckon he needs a new bubble in his spirit level. A gentle tug is all that's needed and the whole lot will come down again. When it comes to DIY, it may be that his sole purpose in life is to serve as an example to others. I feel guilty that we have him here at all - we are depriving some village of it's idiot. See you all next week. What a life! AlbertThe(vengeful)Cat.

Bert is Off-Line!!

I suppose you have turned up here to read Bert's blog. Well you're going to be sorely disappointed today. Bert has been a very naughty cat. I am the one he doesn't trust, and as you read yesterday, him and his pals trashed the place while I was out the other evening. So, to teach him a lesson, I have taken his computer away. Also, he didn't get any prawns today. You lot are partly to blame for encouraging him! At the moment he is out in the garden sulking on the back wall. If he behaves himself, he might be back tomorrow.

Well, that's my lot. I can't hang around here all day. I have a curtain rail to put up. Now, where did I put the hammer. What a life! The one Bert doesn't trust.

A Night on the Tiles.....

What a night! As we were hoping, "the one I don't trust" cleared off yesterday evening. Not sure where he went, but I think he met up with some of his pals, or lowlife as I prefer to call them. Anyway, no sooner was he out the door, than my plan for a cultural evening at home with a select few of the local cats swung into action like a well oiled machine. Word was put out on the bush telegraph (I stuck my head out of the flap and mewed loudly), and the guests started to arrive. My poncy brother and my stupid sister were first. I didn't really want to ask them, but as I let them live here with me, I felt obliged to. They were closely followed by wise Old Black Tom. He is a very clever cat, and knows everything. "Where are Mad Harry and Slasher Sid" I asked. "No idea" he replied.

Not to worry, they soon turned up. A strange aroma preceded them - they had bought a tasty pair of half eaten kippers with them, carefully selected from a neighbours bin. How thoughtful. "You might need some of these" said Harry. "Most kind" I replied, "we are fresh out." They put them on the settee for safe keeping. Next, we heard a jingling bell sound, and Quasimodo shot through the flap looking nervously over his shoulder. Now, for new readers, you need to be aware that he has been driven insane by a little bell on his collar! "I'm being chased by an ice cream van" he cried as he dived for cover under the table, knocking over a pot plant in the process. At that very moment, there was a ring on the doorbell, and Quasimodo took the very wise precaution of climbing up the curtains, which duly fell down, along with the curtain rail. "Who was that at the door" I asked. "No idea" said Old Black Tom.What a terrible example of shoddy workmanship I thought. Not surprising though, I remember "the one I don't trust" putting the the curtain rail up just after we moved here. It was a real bodge job - he drilled the holes too big, and when he thought "the pretty one" wasn't looking, he bunged them up with bits of newspaper. He then employed a rarely used advanced technique to insert the screws - a two pound club-hammer! There's an awful lot more I can tell you about his DIY efforts, but that can wait until another day.

Anyway, we digress. Things were in full swing and we had started the party games. Our favourite is a slight variation of pin the tail on the donkey - we call it pin the collar on Quasimodo. It was great fun once we managed to catch him - Oh how we all laughed, well most of us. The game was brought to an abrupt halt by a loud crash from the kitchen. Harry had been taking a drink from the sink, when the large pile of dirty plates, dishes etc, that have accumulated over the last few days collapsed on to the floor. This came as quite a shock to Sid, who at the same time was turning out the contents of the garbage bin on to the very same floor. "Makes it easier to sort through" he advised later. Well, you can imagine the mess.Disaster! I heard a key turn in the front door. "The one I don't trust" had come home early - you really can't rely on him. He was not impressed with the sight that greeted him - smelly kippers on the settee, curtains and plaster all over the floor, the kitchen covered in garbage and broken crockery. You should have seen the scramble for the cat flap. I wouldn't have thought it possible that so many cats could get out of such a small hole in so little time. We reassembled on the back wall. The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry - who was it who said that? "Robert Burns" said Old Black Tom. "No, it couldn't have been him" I replied, "he wasn't invited. It must have been me!" Perhaps Old Black Tom is not so clever after all.

Oh well, that's my lot for today. When I crept back indoors a little later, I think he had forgiven us, because I heard him mutter under his breath "wait till I get hold of those three." I expect he is missing us and just wants to give us a cuddle - so that's nice isn't it! What a life! AlbertThe(party animal)Cat.

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness.......

Hello again. You'll no doubt be pleased to know that we are still surviving under the somewhat lax regime being presided over by "the one I don't trust." News from afar has reached us to confirm the safe arrival of "the pretty one" at her mothers place. He has told her in his regular bulletins that we are all missing her. "My poncy brother" certainly is. Well, he's missing the extra prawns he manages to scrounge from her with his grovelling and sucking up. His deceitful ways don't appear to carry much weight with "the one I don't trust."

Standards continue to drop. Not ours you understand, but his. He still hasn't bothered to clean up the kitchen - do you know, I'm sure he thinks the smoke alarm is the timer for the oven! I don't think he's bothered shaving for a couple of days now, and as I've been scratching a bit more than usual recently, I'm concerned that I may have caught something from him! Us cats are very clean creatures you know, well most of us are. After a good roll in the dirt, I always come in and clean up on the bed. Have you noticed, that we always lick and wash after we have eaten. I bet you don't know why - well pay attention then and I will tell you.Back in the mists of time when the first cat was created, said cat had to catch his own dinner. A very poor state of affairs, but it does clearly indicate that cats were around long before the "housekeeping staff" were created, otherwise the cat would not have had to concern himself with such menial tasks. When the cat caught a mouse, it decided to wash its paws and face before eating. "Why did the cat wash the mouse?" Who said that? You really are thick, I meant the cat washed it's own paws and face. I sometimes wonder why I bother.

I've lost my thread now, where was I - oh I remember - the cat put the mouse to one side and performed his ablutions - see, I told you we were very clean. When he was ready to eat, he turned round and to his horror, the mouse had run off. A very dastardly trick for the mouse to pull, I've always said that you can't trust the little critters. Anyway, being quick on the uptake, after a few million years of evolution, the penny finally dropped, and the cat decided he wouldn't be so hungry if he cleaned up after he had eaten rather than before. That's why to this very day us cats still do the same thing. This is all true I'll have you know, or did I make it up - I can't remember! Here's another interesting thing - what is the only creature that tells it's offspring to wash it's hands before it eats? Yes, you've guessed - humans. Just another example of why cats are much smarter.Well, that's my lot for today. I can't hang around here enlightening you lot. I've got better things to do. Plans continue apace for my "Albert at Home" bash. I have spread the word, and I am expecting a decent turn out. I've even invited old Quasimodo, the cat with the bell, I've told you about before - he should be good for a laugh. What do you mean it's cruel to make fun of him. I'll have you know we laugh at him not with him - or is it the other way round? Anyway, I've a hunch he won't turn up - Ho Ho Ho.... All I need now is for "the one I don't trust" to clear off for the evening. Perhaps it will be tonight. What a Life! AlbertThe(hygienic)Cat.