Good News and Bad News!

Greetings folks. What a day I've had! There is some really hot news - very good news for me, but not so good for you lot. I don't know where to begin.

Probably best to start with the good news. The housekeeping staff were talking this morning, and as I like to keep abreast of what is going on around here, I was earholing their conversation from behind a chair. The one I don't trust is going away for a couple of weeks. At first I was horrified, as I assumed the pretty one would go with him, and we would be shipped off to Camp Colditz to endure the harsh regime presided over by the evil camp commandant. But no, she is staying here to look after me and the other two.

Wonderful news isn't it? I mean he is a damn nuisance and we will be well shot of him for a while. Good riddance is what I say. I can't wait for him to clear off. The pretty one is extremely gullible - I can wrap her round my little finger. I can see it now, prawns for breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper, not forgetting snacks between meals and my little treats for being good. I'm sure the menu will be far superior to the somewhat sparse rations he provides. I'll be able to sleep on the bed as well if I play my cards right - he gets a little touchy about this, especially if I come in after a bit of late night digging in the rain.What is the bad news then I hear you ask. Well, it's not that bad for me, but it could be traumatic for you lot. Now brace yourselves - you see, when he goes away he is going to take my computer with him, so I won't be able to share these rather eloquent missives with you. What, no Bert's Blog for a couple of weeks, I hear you cry. I know how distressed you must be. How will you get by? "I bet they're delighted not to have to read that rubbish for a fortnight." Who said that? It's my poncy brother, Tabby - I hate him I do really. Just wait until I get my paws on him. Yes, it's true, I will be off-line for the duration. Still, every cloud has a silver lining as they say. In recognition of my generosity in letting him take my computer, he gave me an extra handful of prawns. It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good. "That's enough corny old cliches." I wish Tabby would shut up - he is a pain in the neck. Cliches indeed, I'm fed up to the back teeth with them.Well that's your lot for today, and the next couple of weeks in fact. Must be off, that poncy brother of mine is already ingratiating himself with the pretty one. I must make sure he doesn't get more prawns than me. I will be back around the end of the month. I just hope you can get by without me. "I expect we'll manage." Who said that? How rude! What a Life! AlbertThe(Off-line)Cat.

Home Alone - Apart From Him!!!

When I awoke bright and early this morning I wandered over to the window, and what an inspirational sight greeted me. The early morning sun was just peeping over the hedgerows, and spears of light were glistening on the lightly frosted grass, like twinkling diamonds. The wondrous hues of newly bloomed crocuses, bluebells and snowdrops - blues, yellows, purples and brilliant white against a backdrop of vivid green - a picture to behold. The dawn chorus was in full song, as blue tits, sparrows and robins joyously greeted the new day with a rich melodious cacophony of sound. Mother nature in all her glory. I sat and admired such handiwork and I knew at once what I should take full advantage of the wonderful gifts she has bestowed upon us. Yes, that's right, I went straight back to bed, stopping only for a light breakfast on the way.Well, what did you think I was going to do? I mean, mornings come round every day nearly, so there's no need to get carried away is there! After all, I need my rest. Anyway, I eventually surfaced just before lunch, and the sun was still out, so clearly I made the right decision. Time for a good scratch, and roll in the dirt before eating. I was starting to doze off in the warm sunshine, when the tranquility was broken by the sound of "my stupid sister" crashing over the back wall in hot pursuit of a large pigeon that was flying at least thirty feet above the ground. I do wonder about her at times. "You'll never catch that" I said. "I'm gaining on it" she replied as she shot past.

Next, "my poncy brother" Tabby appears out of the cat flap with a concerned look on his smug face, and comes over and sits down for a chat. He was the bearer of some very worrying news. Apparently he had overheard a telephone call between "the pretty one" and her mother. "She's visiting" said Tabby, "for a fortnight." "What!!!" I exclaimed, but we've only just got rid of her after Christmas. "No, no" said Tabby, "you don't understand, it is far worse, her mother is not coming here, 'the pretty' one is going to visit her!" The thought of two weeks in the Colditz Cattery under the supervision of the evil camp commandant filled me with dread. "It's bad, but not quite that bad" said Tabby, "she is going on her own, 'the one we don't trust' is being left behind to look after us."My initial relief quickly turned to horror. I mean, "the one I don't trust" is hardly capable of looking after himself, he's barely house trained. Surely he can't be left in charge for two whole weeks. I reckon he has been biding his time waiting for an opportunity like this to get his own back on me - I'll probably starve. Apparently she is not going until the end of the week, so there is time to hatch a plan. I think I'll let the Cats Protection people know what is going on - they keep in touch through the good offices of Twitter you know.

Well, that's my lot for today. I'm in shock. What started off as a rather pleasant day, has gone downhill very quickly. What on earth possessed her to desert us and leave him totally unsupervised. Who is going to tie his shoelaces for him? Without her around things are bound to go to pot. His view of housework is why bother, in six months time it will need doing again. What a life! AlbertThe(deserted)Cat.