Good News and Bad News!

Greetings folks. What a day I've had! There is some really hot news - very good news for me, but not so good for you lot. I don't know where to begin.

Probably best to start with the good news. The housekeeping staff were talking this morning, and as I like to keep abreast of what is going on around here, I was earholing their conversation from behind a chair. The one I don't trust is going away for a couple of weeks. At first I was horrified, as I assumed the pretty one would go with him, and we would be shipped off to Camp Colditz to endure the harsh regime presided over by the evil camp commandant. But no, she is staying here to look after me and the other two.

Wonderful news isn't it? I mean he is a damn nuisance and we will be well shot of him for a while. Good riddance is what I say. I can't wait for him to clear off. The pretty one is extremely gullible - I can wrap her round my little finger. I can see it now, prawns for breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper, not forgetting snacks between meals and my little treats for being good. I'm sure the menu will be far superior to the somewhat sparse rations he provides. I'll be able to sleep on the bed as well if I play my cards right - he gets a little touchy about this, especially if I come in after a bit of late night digging in the rain.What is the bad news then I hear you ask. Well, it's not that bad for me, but it could be traumatic for you lot. Now brace yourselves - you see, when he goes away he is going to take my computer with him, so I won't be able to share these rather eloquent missives with you. What, no Bert's Blog for a couple of weeks, I hear you cry. I know how distressed you must be. How will you get by? "I bet they're delighted not to have to read that rubbish for a fortnight." Who said that? It's my poncy brother, Tabby - I hate him I do really. Just wait until I get my paws on him. Yes, it's true, I will be off-line for the duration. Still, every cloud has a silver lining as they say. In recognition of my generosity in letting him take my computer, he gave me an extra handful of prawns. It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good. "That's enough corny old cliches." I wish Tabby would shut up - he is a pain in the neck. Cliches indeed, I'm fed up to the back teeth with them.Well that's your lot for today, and the next couple of weeks in fact. Must be off, that poncy brother of mine is already ingratiating himself with the pretty one. I must make sure he doesn't get more prawns than me. I will be back around the end of the month. I just hope you can get by without me. "I expect we'll manage." Who said that? How rude! What a Life! AlbertThe(Off-line)Cat.

One Born Every Minute!

I think I've just about recovered from yesterdays unfortunate incident with the curry. I didn't get up too early this morning, and by the time I went down for breakfast, Tabby and Ginger Tail were already out and about. I put on my best pitiful look and stared longingly at the pretty one. She immediately rushed to the fridge, and served up some prawns. I've still got the old magic I thought to myself. I carefully checked to make sure they were not poisoned with curry and then devoured them. They hardly touched the sides. Very nice I thought, wonder what's for main course.

Just as I was licking my lips, Tabby and Ginger Tail came charging in through the flap. "You'll never guess" said Tabby, "we've found a magic tree." "Yes" said Ginger Tail, "it's grown overnight in the garden over the back wall." What a load of rubbish I thought. "What's magic about it then?" I asked. "Prawns are growing on it" said Tabby, "there are big fat juicy prawns growing on it." Now, as you can imagine, I was a little sceptical, because we all know where prawns come from don't we - yes, that's right, the big white thing in the kitchen. "Little pink things have grown on the tree overnight" said Ginger Tail, "if you know the magic secret, they turn into prawns." "Little pink things? You stupid cat" I said, "they're buds, anyway how do you know the magic secret." "Wise Old Black Tom told us" she said confidently.

That changed everything, because Old Black Tom is a very clever cat - he knows absolutely everything. If he told them, it must be true. "What's the magic secret then." I asked. "Not telling," Ginger Tail replied. After much pleading, Tabby let me in on it. "What you have to do is walk round the tree three times, scratch the tree trunk as hard as you can for five minutes, jump into the flowerbed, roll in the tulips, and then sit outside the back door and mew as loud as you can with your eyes shut. When you open your eyes, the tree is covered in big juicy prawns."

So off I went. If I hadn't know better, I could have sworn I heard giggling as I left. I climbed over the wall, and sure enough, the tree was just as they said, covered in little pink things. Now, I've had a few run-ins with the woman over the back wall, I think she may be a witch - there is a broomstick propped up against the wall which is a bit of a giveaway. She has no sense of humour, in fact she took great umbrage when I started ferreting about in her roses. She was nowhere to be seen, so I started off by walking round the tree three times. I scratched the trunk for all I was worth, and dived headlong into the tulips - I flattened them! Now for the "piece de resistance" - I sat outside the back door and mewed at the top of my voice with my eyes firmly closed. When I opened them, what a sight greeted me - the witch was standing over me with a bucket of cold water which she then promptly chucked all over yours truly.I was off like a shot. As I went in through the flap, Tabby and Ginger Tail were rolling on the floor convulsed with laughter. "Is it raining?" enquired Tabby, "I thought the sun was out - how did you get on with her prize magnolia?" "Do you know what day it is?" asked Ginger Tail. "32nd March" I replied. "No" she said, "it's 1st April - your special day" "April fool" they cried in unison. Grrrrr... I hate them, I really do.

Well that's my lot for today. Do you know, in the rush to evacuate the woman's garden, I forgot to check out the magic tree to see how many prawns had appeared. Once the witch has calmed down, I will go and have a look - I don't want my stupid brother or my poncy sister stealing them. All that remains is for me to wish you all a pleasant Easter. I'm going to have a well earned rest. I will see you all next week. What a life! AlbertThe(gullible)Cat.

Variety is the Spice of Life....

Hello. I'm not feeling too good at all today. What a night I've had! I blame the housekeeping staff, and in particular the one I don't trust. If it wasn't for their slovenly habits I wouldn't be in this state. After supper last night I decided to go and do a bit of ratting - along with ornithology and horticulture, it is one of my favourite hobbies. I met up with Mad Harry and Slasher Sid, and we went to one of our chosen spots - the communal garbage bins round the back of a nearby apartment block. We didn't have much luck, but you should have seen the size of the one that got away!

After a couple of hours it started to rain so I decided to call it a night and wandered back home. I was feeling a bit peckish, and as everyone else had gone to bed I thought I would have a little look around to see if there was anything on offer. I was walking along the kitchen top by the sink and sure enough, there was a stack of dirty plates, pots, pans, etc. How bone idle I thought, they haven't bothered to do the washing up after supper. However, my contempt for their laziness was soon overcome by delight - I couldn't believe my eyes. Inside one of the pots were lots of really juicy prawns, although they were covered in a rather strange smelling sauce.Too good to be true I thought, and was about to sample one, when I heard Tabby come into the kitchen. "I wouldn't eat those if I were you" he said, "they won't do you any good." Surely he didn't think I would fall for that old trick. He's not having any I thought, he's just trying to curry favour. Quick as a flash, I scoffed the lot. "You haven't eaten them have you?" asked Tabby in amazement. He called to Ginger Tail, "he's only gone and eaten those prawns!" Ginger Tail came running over, and they both stood there and gawped at me. At this point I smelt a rat, which is more than I'd managed earlier. What do they know that I don't? "Guess what they had for supper last night" said Ginger Tail? "Big fat prawns," I replied. "Prawn curry!" said Ginger Tail. All of a sudden, this strange feeling came over me. My mouth was on fire, and I swear steam was coming out of my ears. Good job there was water in the sink - in my rush to swill the stuff down I very nearly fell in. Oh how they laughed. I've never drunk so much in my life. I spent the rest of the night drinking the garden puddles and digging in the flower beds if you get my drift.

Well that's my lot for today. I cannot understand how they can eat the stuff. Do you know, they pick up the phone and in about half an hour some bloke brings it round to the door. I heard him on the phone the other night. "Do you deliver?" he said. "No sir, we do chicken, lamb and prawn, but no liver" the bloke at the other end replied. Ho Ho Ho... What do you mean it's a rotten joke! In my delicate condition it is the best I can do. What a waste of perfectly good prawns. I reckon the one I don't trust left them by the sink on purpose to try and poison me. Still, wait until he sees what I've done to his flowerbed! What a life! AlbertThe(fire-breathing)Cat.

How Many Builders Does it Take to Drink a Cup of Tea?

A very good day to you all. It has been quite pleasant here in London - a bit cold, but bright and sunny. After a hearty breakfast of prawns, I decided to go for a gentle stroll round my patch. I saw something very interesting, which I will tell you about in a minute. Before that though there have been some strange goings on with our cat biscuits. "The one I don't trust" has got it into his head that I am, well how shall I put this...... well rounded, if you get my drift. So, he only went and bought the "light low calorie" version of our favourite bickies. He never thinks these things through. Our bowl is always topped up - I insist on them never letting it get empty - so guess what happened. Yes, that's right, we ate twice as much as usual. He can't understand why we got through two bags so quickly. In fact, I've actually put a bit of weight on. Hopefully this nonsense will stop when he realises it is costing him double to feed us.

The things I have to put up with! Anyway, I thought I would tell you about something I saw this morning while doing my rounds. A lot of noise was coming from a garden just down the road, so I decided to investigate. By the time I arrived, Old Black Tom had beaten me to it - he was sitting on the back wall casting his eye over proceedings. There were half a dozen scruffy looking blokes slowly filling the garden up with bricks. "Whats going on here" I said. "They've got the builders in" replied Old Black Tom. "They are building a conservatory". "Why do they call it that?" I asked. "Well" said Old Black Tom, "it's really an extra room but by calling it that, they don't have to worry about tiresome details such as planning permission and building regulations." How does he know all this - he is a very clever cat, the fount of all knowledge.

One of them started to build a wall with the bricks, while the other five stood around drinking tea and watched him. "I'm surprised they don't put the roof on first" I said, "it will keep them dry if it rains." Old Black Tom gave me one of his withering looks. He had seen the flaw in my plan straight away - I told you he was a very clever cat. After a while, the woman who owns the house appeared, said something to the workmen and then went out. As soon as she was out of sight, they all stopped, sat down and started consulting some important looking papers - plans I expect, while drinking even more tea. Do you know the plans had lists of the runners and riders for all the horse races taking place today - I can't imagine why. Then they all gave the one in charge some money, and he wandered off down the road. The others sat around drinking even more tea and eating biscuits, just like a picnic.

The one in charge arrived back just before the owner, and do you know, by amazing co-incidence they had just started building up the bricks again. Not for long though, as it was soon time for them to go to lunch. What a busy morning they had! The thought of lunch made me hungry, so I bade Old Black Tom farewell and wandered off home.When I got back to our garden I noticed the first snowdrop had appeared - a sign of Spring perhaps. One delicate little white flower in an otherwise bleak landscape. I stood and admired it's inherent beauty, whilst pondering upon the wonders of nature, and then with one swipe of my paw it was gone. Just time for a quick roll in the flowerbed where it used to live. Wonder what's for lunch?Well that's my lot for today. Do you know, "the housekeeping staff" had a go at me about bringing half the garden into the house. Damn cheek - how did they know it was me. Also, I think I might be in the frame for the unfortunate demise of the snowdrop. These allegations are completely without foundation - just like the conservatory, Ho Ho Ho.... What a life! AlbertThe(nature-loving)Cat.

Warning - Cats Can Seriously Improve Your Health!

Hello – I’m back again. Sorry about the last few days – I was going to tell you a little story yesterday, but by the time I woke up from my afternoon nap, I had a big decision to make. Should I turn over and go back to sleep, or should I write my blog. Anyway, I had a really good kip. Now, what was I going to write about??? Oh yes, I remember. Did you know that a family pet can improve the quality of life for the people they live with? Not only that, but medical science has shown that these folks also lead longer and healthier lives. I heard all this while I was dozing in front of the telly the other evening.

It was an interesting programme, only interrupted by cynical comments from “the one I don’t trust”. Hair on the furniture, fleas, furballs, eats us out of house and home, were just a few of the more repeatable remarks he made. Clearly he doesn’t appreciate the benefits of having me around the place. The gist of the story is that having animal companions - cats and dogs in particular results in both emotional and physical well-being. Now, I’m sure the mention of dogs, is political correctness gone mad. I mean to say we all know what a damn nuisance those things are, especially that nasty little Jack Russell that lives next door – always yapping away.So, we will ignore dogs, and assume they were really talking about cats. Here are just a few of the apparent benefits of having someone like me living with you.

• Lower blood cholesterol levels – makes perfect sense. They came up with some clever medical explanation, but the real reason is obvious. Shellfish, and prawns in particular are a rich source of cholesterol. In this house I shift all the prawns that are put in front of me, so there are very few left for anyone else. I could do even more to help if only they would let me.
• Lower blood pressure – the last time they tried to put me in a cat carrier to go to see “the bloke who sticks needles in me once a year,” I got rather annoyed, and managed to claw and bite “the one I don’t trust”. His arm was leaking all over the place, so it stands to reason that if he has less blood inside him, then the pressure will drop – pretty basic stuff really.
• Quicker recovery from illness - clearly, if they have me to look after, they can't loaf around in bed all day feeling sorry for themselves can they? Imagine if they were unable to supply me with prawns - I would leave wouldn't I, and they wouldn't want that!
• Higher survival rate after serious illness - a study has shown that heart attack patients are more likely to be alive a year after they discharge from hospital. It would be very poor form if they keeled over and left us unattended. We give them the will to live.
• Fewer doctor visits - apart from the occasional tetanus shot after one of our little altercations, I don't see any need for "the one I don't trust" to go at all.
• Reduced loneliness - I have my staff go out to the shops on a frequent basis to stock up on essential supplies - prawns, etc. The perfect opportunity to meet people. I am always thinking of them aren't I?
• Pet therapy programmes - in nursing homes cats are credited with enabling elderly patients to reach out beyond their own pain and isolation and start caring about the world around them again. Stops them being selfish and moping around thinking of nobody but themselves.
• Less depression - fancy that, us cats are anti-depressants - Prozac on legs!
  
• Aids childhood development - not sure about this one. I hate kids. When our "nosy neighbours" last popped round with their evil brood, one of them was crawling all over the place, and started eating my cat biscuits. Everyone was most put out when I hissed and spat at him. Well, I had to put my paw down. Apparently he started bed-wetting again as a result of the shock. Most unusual in a sixteen year old - just my little joke, he's twelve actually!
  

Well that's your lot for today. I leave you to ponder upon the above - no home is complete without a cat. Now, if any of you out there are feeling a bit poorly and are deficient in the cat department, then I have a couple of spares that I can let you have - "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" are both available for immediate shipping at a very reasonable price. What am I bid for the pair? What a life! AlbertThe(health-giving)Cat.

Look into my eyes.....

I’m back again. You’ll be pleased to know that cats and dogs did not start falling out of the sky, so Old Black Tom must have been right. Hope you all enjoyed the history lesson. Fancy us being descended from the gods. I’ve always thought as much, I mean it does explain a lot doesn’t it. No wonder we are superior to these people that look after our worldly needs. My lot are pretty ignorant when it comes to understanding cats. I have tried to educate them, but I do really think they are beyond help.

Take today for example - late with my prawns again – that’s the second time in as many weeks would you believe! I was really annoyed, so I walked up to "the one I don’t trust" and swished my tail in his general direction. "Oh look, he’s wagging his tail, he must be happy" he said. Happy? I was livid – what does he think I am - a dog? He went to stroke me and seemed genuinely surprised when I bit his finger. "My god, the blessed thing has attacked me" he cried. Good of him to acknowledge my divine status, but he was less than reverential when he chucked me out into the garden. Although they don't seem to get the thing about us being gods, they look at their stars in the paper every day - especially "the pretty one." Fancy believing that stuff.
Anyway, purely for the purposes of research you understand, I thought I would investigate my star sign - apparently I am a Gemini - one of the heavenly twins. Seems apt, but I wonder who the other one is, certainly not Tabby or Ginger Tail, that's for sure. The characteristics of a typical Gemini are:-

• Versatile, adaptable - how true, well I can turn my paw to most things.
• Quick of mind with a rapier wit - true again, I mean all these pearls of wisdom I bestow upon you are usually laced with witty asides - what do you mean "corny old jokes you've heard before!!" How rude.
• Loves to chat and share knowledge - well I do don't I? Sometimes I ramble on for ages.
• Easily bored - I'm fed up with this already. Think I'll go for a nap - no only joking, my rapier wit again.
• A communicator - well you lot turn up every day to read what I have been up to.
• Sociable - I can be very sociable, especially at feeding time.
• Enjoys variety - sometimes, I like to nap on the bed and sometimes on the chair.
• Relies on mental analysis more than gut feelings - oh yes. I have a very analytical mind. The only gut feelings I get are when I'm hungry, which come to think of it is most of the time.
• A hunger for knowledge - and prawns!

Mmmm... well, perhaps there is something in it after all. Let's not get carried away though. I see they haven't got a star sign for the cat, a very careless omission, the nearest is Leo the lion. Makes you wonder, especially when you see the other riff-raff that gets on the list - bulls, scorpions, goats, rams, crabs, I ask you, crabs! The good news is that there is nothing that remotely resembles a dog. I suppose we should be grateful for small mercies.Well that's my lot for today. Before I go, I will show you a picture and I want you to look deep into my eyes. Pretty spooky eh? You are beginning to feel drowsy, very drowsy - go to sleep, go to sleep........... When I count to ten you will be under my spell, and you will obey my every command - send prawns, send prawns, send prawns by the bucket load........ When I click my paws, you will wake up and all you will remember is that you must send me prawns. Zzzzzzzz................... what happened, I seem to have nodded off! What a life! AlbertThe(supernatural)Cat.

Official – "It’s a Landslide…………………"

What a day – I’m glad you could join me. You’re just in time, we are going live to the count, where they are just about to make the declaration………

Old Black Tom has just come out on to the shed roof – “Quiet please, QUIET!!! By the powers invested in me by Bert, I Old Black Tom, the Returning Officer for the said constituency do solemnly swear that the votes cast for each candidate in the election were as follows:-

• Ginger Tail – Stupid Sister Party - 6 votes
• Tabby – Poncy Brother Party - 6 votes
• Albert – Prawns For All Party - 56,000 votes
  

There was one spoiled and defaced ballot paper which cast aspersions on Bert’s parentage and insinuated that he might like to go on a long journey. It was thus disqualified. I therefore duly declare that Albert is elected as “the most cute and adorable cat” in the said constituency. I will now invite the candidates to say a few words. Ginger Tail, please step forward."Ginger Tail - “Thank you Old Black Tom - I would like to thank my election team and my supporters for a superb campaign. We will return to fight another day. I would like to say congratulations to Bert, but unfortunately I can’t. The whole election from start to finish was a complete sham…... Help!…… Let go of me!...... Put me down!…... Aaaghhhhhh!….."

Old Black Tom - “Well Ginger Tail, thank you for that, and also thank you to my two “deputy returning officers”, Mad Harry and Slasher Sid for assisting you from the stage. Now Tabby, have you anything to say?”Tabby - “I most certainly have. However, my enthusiasm has suddenly waned. All I have to say is…. I demand a recount - Fix….. Fix…...Fix….. Fix….. Sorry, but I have to leave now!"

Old Black Tom - “Thank you Tabby, and may I say how impressed I was at the speed you left the shed roof. Mad Harry and Slasher Sid didn’t even have the chance to shake you warmly by the throat, sorry, paw I meant. However, I’m sure they will catch up with you later. I now call upon Albert to make his acceptance speech”Albert The Cat - “Thank you, thank you…… settle down please…… First of all, I would like to thank the returning officer, Old Black Tom, for the fair and scrupulous way in which he has discharged his duties, not forgetting the most efficient way his two deputies have also discharged theirs. Totally beyond reproach. If they would like to pop round the back of the shed afterwards, then they will receive my undying gratitude and a rather large portion of prawns. Next, I must mention my two opponents who fought honourable, but futile campaigns. For the record, it must be noted that both candidates forfeit their deposits due to their pitiful share of the vote. Even the ones they got were dubious, and could quite easily have been discounted on the grounds of hanging chards - whatever they may be. The last minute surge of two votes for Tabby was particularly dubious. However, I am feeling magnanimous, so we won’t quibble. Suffice is to say that Harry and Sid will be calling on them in the very near future to square the accounts, so to speak.My fellow cats – Ginger Tail is defeated, so is Tabby. Today I settled all family business so don't tell me that I’m not the cutest and most adorable cat. Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring a swift visit from Harry and Sid. And where there is despair, may we bring prawns.

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that our back garden is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of prawns for all is alive in our time ... who still questions the power of Old Black Tom and his henchman, tonight is your answer.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, prawns for all has become a reality”.Well how about that. What more can I say. How lucky you must feel to be witness at one of the great moments in feline history. I’m off to celebrate. The party will go on until the early hours – we’ll be drinking from the puddles and passing the cat nip (I never inhale of course!). I will be taking a well deserved rest over the weekend. Look forward to seeing you all again on Monday. What a Life! AlbertThe(victorious)Cat.

Take Time to Smell the Roses........

Just a quick post today. I am very busy. Voting closes this evening, and I have to ensure all my supporters have turned out. Not only that, but I have to finish off my victory speech for when the results are announced tomorrow - it is coming along really well, you certainly won't want to miss it. The final campaign rally went down a storm last night. There was a massive turn out of Old Black Tom, Quasimodo, a couple of mangy strays and next doors snappy little Jack Russell.

I decided to take the morning off from campaigning, especially when I saw the sun shining. After a pleasant breakfast of prawns and biscuits, I had just settled down for a nice nap on the shed roof, when lo and behold, "the one I don't trust" decided to do a bit of gardening, "a last tidy up of the year" I heard him say. I really could have done without it to be honest, but I thought I ought to keep an eye on things - supervise if you like, after all I know a bit about horticulture. Nothing like a good dig is there! He raked all the leaves up, chopped out some dead growth, and weeded the flower beds. Very good of him - it should make it a little easier for me to get to the young saplings for a spot of scratching.
Now comes the interesting bit - he had these six great big bags of the most foul, pungent stuff you could imagine. Not sure what it is, but it smells like the stuff pigs would be happy in, if you get my drift! "What's that awful pong" said Ginger Tail as she walked past with Tabby - "it reminds me of Bert's speech last night" said "my poncy brother". What can he have meant by that? Strong and powerful I expect. Anyway, "the one I don't trust" started spreading it all over the place, under the roses, digging it into the borders, the vegetable patch, and then would you believe he goes and puts some on his rhubarb - "why can't he have custard like everyone else" I thought - Oh how I laughed. Must write that one down, I might be able to use it in my victory speech!

There is a serious point here - it will soon be time for me to have a roll before lunch - no not ham roll, a roll and dig in the flower bed I mean. I have a very bad feeling that if I should go for a clean-up on the duvet afterwards, there may very well be severe consequences for him. Someone is likely to catch it in the neck from "the pretty one". Clearly he hasn't thought this through at all. Anyway, I have far more important things to worry about - it's his problem.

Well that's my lot for today. It's all I've got time for. Off to do a bit of last minute campaigning before the polls close. Don't forget, there is still time for you to vote for me. I hope to see you all again tomorrow to celebrate my pending victory. Once more for the last time - Yes we can..., Yes we can..., Yes we can..... What a Life! AlbertThe(horticultural)Cat.

"Ask Not What Bert Can Do For You........."

Only one more day of voting left, and things are looking very good indeed. By all accounts I have a substantial lead. I think the new campaign slogan that I announced yesterday has made all the difference. We just need to guard against complacency and a last minute surge in the polls for either of the rival candidates - "my stupid sister" and "my poncy brother". So if you still haven't voted, then there is still time - just go to the ballot box in the top right hand corner and place your click next to Albert - yes you can! yes you can!I am planning to hold my final campaign rally on top of next doors shed this evening. Come early to avoid disappointment, as space along the back wall is limited. Latecomers will have to sit in next doors garden where that nasty spiteful little Jack Russell lives. I shall be making a keynote speech outlining the main thrust of my manifesto. - "prawns for all"

"And so, my fellow cats: ask not what Bert can do for you - ask what you can do for Bert".

"Never in the field of feline conflict was so much owed by so many to Bert"

"I have a dream today - prawns for all".

These are just little tasters of the great oratory you can expect at tonight's rally. Tickets are available on the gate at the very reasonable price of just four prawns each.
After the rally, I shall undertake a whistle stop tour to the outer reaches of the constituency - from the big tall fence at one end to the row of trees at the other. This should be clear to all you other cats, as I have only recently re-marked the boundaries of my territory - if you know what I mean!!Well that's your lot for today - I know it seems a little presumptuous, but I have to go and work on my victory address, and what a belter it is. Unfortunately you will have to wait until Friday after the votes have been counted and Old Black Tom has announced the results. Don't forget you still have time to vote - yes you can! yes you can! What a life! AlbertThe(crusading)Cat.

Yes We Can!.....

What a fine morning - the sun is shining, perfect day for electioneering. I would have been out on the campaign trail earlier but after breakfast I decided to have a quick nap in the Autumn sunshine on top of the shed. As expected, things are looking good. Early indications from exit polls are very encouraging. However, we must not take anything for granted. The polls do not close for another three days. So if you haven't voted for me yet, there is still plenty of time. Just go to the ballot form in the top right hand corner and click next to my name. Remember "votes mean prawns" - another of my witty campaign slogans.

Now, it has come to my attention, that malicious rumours casting aspersions on my integrity are circulating. These are almost certainly being spread by my opponents - "my poncy brother", whose deceit and cunning knows no bounds, and "my stupid sister" who will stop at nothing to get her own way. The main thrust of the discontent seems to be that I am acting as the sole adjudicator. To nip this in the bud, and especially now that early indications are favourable, I have decided to appoint an independent observer to oversee proceedings, and also to act as returning officer. Who better for this role, than Wise Old Black Tom from down the road.

I went to see him bearing a small gift - half a dozen prawns. He very kindly agreed to help out, but said that he could not accept the gift as it may be misconstrued, and it could compromise him. What a fine upstanding cat - an example to us all. He even offered to look after the prawns for me while I went and did some canvassing. When I returned to collect them, you'll never guess what had happened - he had been mugged, and the prawns stolen. "I tried to fight them off" he said as he licked his lips and cleaned his whiskers! What is this world coming to?

As you can see, I've been busy working on an exclusive range of high quality campaign merchandise, featuring another new slogan - "Yes We Can!" - what do you mean you've heard it before - surely not? Someone must have stolen it from me - I have the copyright. Just let me know who else has claims, and they will hear from my lawyers. You wait until you see the T-shirts!

Well that's my lot for today. I've got far more important things to do than sit here and ramble away to you. I have to get back out on the stump. There are babies, or should that be kittens, to be kissed, speeches to be made, paws to be greased, sorry I meant shook, all in the name of democracy. Every vote counts, and don't forget, there could be a prawn in it for you. I am relying on all my supporters to turn out and vote - all together now - "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. "Yes We Can".. What a Life! AlbertThe(candidate for change)Cat.

On the Stump - Vote for Bert....

Good morning again. I had a very pleasant and restful weekend. Plenty of naps, a bit of scratching, chased “my stupid sister” round the garden, and nearly caught a bird. How come they can fly and we can’t – most unfair! Prawns were in plentiful supply, so much so, that I was in a very benevolent mood and gave “the housekeeping staff” time off. They were ever so grateful.

Now, that we have got the pleasantries out of the way let us get down to business. A brand new week, and what a big week it is. There is a very important matter that needs resolving once and for all, and as you would expect I have come up with the perfect solution. Something that started as a minor irritation, but has grown into an almighty itch – no I am not talking about the unfortunate flea problem of a couple of weeks ago. As you know, I like to illuminate these dry old postings with a few pictures. Well, every time I put up a picture of my “stupid sister”, I get lots of comments and tweets saying how cute and adorable she is. Even “my poncy brother” has his admirers. Well let me tell you this – it makes me sick!! What more have I got to do – there is only one cute and adorable cat round here and that is me!

So, what we are going to do is to have an election – it is compulsory for you to vote. Up in the top right hand corner, you will see your ballot form. All you have to do is to tick the box that says Albert. Now to ensure that the poll is carried out in a fair and impartial manner, I will be the sole adjudicator. I have given Ginger Tail and Tabby a chance to publish a short election address, a pack of lies if you ask me, but you must decide whether you are gullible enough to believe them – don’t let me influence you.

Ginger Tail – Election address

Hello – I am Bert’s cute little sister. Everyone who sees me says I am adorable. I have a pretty ginger tail with black and ginger patches on my head. My interests are charity work, helping other cats less fortunate than myself, travel, and mice. I am by far and away the best looking cat in this household – vote for me, pretty please, vote for me. Lots of love Ginger Tail xxx



Tabby – Election address

I am Tabby, Bert’s good looking brother. As you can see, I am a long haired tabby cat with a pure white front. “The pretty one” thinks I am the nicest cat and she fully endorses my candidacy. She is always telling me I am cute, and it is quite clear that I am her favourite. I sit on her lap when ever I can, and she never stops stroking me. My main interest is sucking up to "the housekeeping staff" in order to get extra prawns. Vote for me and I will let you stroke me. Tabby.


AlbertTheCat – Election address

Far be it from me to indulge in negative campaigning, but have you read the tosh above. Dreadful isn’t it. Ginger Tail was the runt of the litter I’ll have you know, and as for “my poncy brother” – he’s just a common or garden tabby with an inflated opinion of himself. What can I say about myself that you don’t already know. I have the outstanding features of the pedigree ferrel cat, the sleek figure, the finely honed physique and a cute little black chin to go with it. My good looks and intellect are only matched by my modesty. I rest my case. Do your duty - vote for Albert – there could be a prawn in it for you. Vote Albert - you know it makes sense! Pretty good slogan don't you think?

All you have to do is to cast your vote. The polls will close at midnight on Thursday, and I will announce my landslide victory, whoops sorry, the result on Friday.

Well that’s the lot for today. I’m off to do a bit of campaigning round the local neighbourhood. Must remember to take a few prawns with me. What a life! AlbertThe(right choice)Cat.

Good Housekeeping.........

Hello again. Glad you have returned for the final posting of the week. How time flies - the start of the week only seems about five days ago. Time waits for no cat as they say. They're all getting a bit excited round here - apparently Christmas is only three weeks away. Oh what great joy! I hate Christmas. Had some blinding news this morning, we have visitors coming, staying for over a week they are. If there is one thing I hate more than Christmas it's visitors, and "my poncy brother" of course - mm... that's two things. Mustn't forget the nosy neighbours and small children, I think I hate them more than Christmas as well. Anyway, to set the record straight, let's say there are at least four things I hate more than Christmas, but I don't want any of you running away with the idea that I secretly like it.

The place will be very crowded, there is barely enough room for the five of us, and with seven, there won't be room to swing a cat! A most unfortunate turn of phrase. No idea yet what I am going to do with the visitors - I already have two "housekeeping staff" on the payroll, and they seem to just about cope. I suppose if I look on them as "temporary staff", I might be able to find something to occupy them. I mean, a lot of places take on extra staff at this time of year don't they. I'll give this some thought and report back nearer the time.

There has been a little bit of good news this morning, basic provisions have been replenished. Me, Tabby and Ginger Tail were enjoying our pre-lunch nap when the front door opened, and in blundered "the one I don't trust" carrying four rather large bags of our favourite cat biscuits. "You lot are eating me out of house and home" he said ungratefully. He can be rather mean at times. "These should last you for a few weeks" he said. "They'll do me" I thought, but what about Tabby and Gingertail?
By remarkable coincidence, about half an hour later, "the pretty one" came in from the shops. "Guess what" she said. "The supermarket had prawns on Special Offer- two for the price of one, I bought four bags". Quite a bargain I thought, but at that price I'm amazed she didn't get some for Tabby and Ginger Tail as well? All this scrimping and saving, is a false economy in the long run. I mean there is plenty of room in the freezer - "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" were nosing around in there the other day, and they tell me it is jam packed with things that are of no interest to anyone - frozen peas, frozen beans, bread, and all manner of useless stuff. I've no idea why! If they had a good clear out, they could get a lot more prawns in and take real advantage of this once in a lifetime offer. I sometimes wonder why I employ them. I do think, if it wasn't for their unique ability to operate a can opener, then us cats would have no need for them at all.
To my knowledge, "the one I don't trust" has cleaned out the freezer once before. I mean to say, some things had been in there for ages. I remember he called out to her "how long can you keep a chicken in the deep freeze", "about three months" she replied. "That's odd" he said "I only put one in last night and it's dead this morning" Oh how he laughed. She gave him one of her looks. Like me, she doesn't appreciate his childish sense of humour.

Well that's my lot for now. Hope you all have a nice weekend. I plan to rest - it has been quite a week. I might start work on the Christmas duty rota. With the extra seasonal staff, it should be possible to have at least one person on duty 24 hours a day. What a life! AlbertThe(equal opportunities employer)Cat.

A Bird in the Hand........

Hello again one and all. Firstly, to all of you who bothered to write to me after yesterday's agony column, many thanks, and to those of you who didn't - well please yourselves. Everyone, except George from Manchester seemed to think it a true milestone in feline literary achievement and a much needed service. I can count the negative comments on the fingers of one paw - there were six of them. Did you know that me and most of my extended family are hexadactyls - oh yes, in fact my Great Uncle Porky put it to great use, and was an accomplished pianist, or so he told me. He used to tell me lots of interesting facts, and do you know what, some of them were true. Must get round to learning the piano one day - after all, I have mastered a computer keypad, and surely that can't be an awful lot different to a piano. I digress, someone thought that I showed too much sensitivity, and for the good of the poor saps who had written in I should be more forthright. Possibly a fair criticism, after all I am a very caring cat. Enough of that for the time being - we will do it again in the near future. Keep sending me your problems.

It was a nice sunny morning in London today. After "the one I don't trust" had served me up a barely adequate breakfast of small, in fact very small, prawns, I decided to indulge my hobby - birdwatching. Oh yes, I am a keen twitcher. There are all sorts of things flitting around in the garden. No idea what most of them are called. They are very difficult to catch - being able to fly is a neat trick, something that despite repeated practice, I have so far been unable to manage. I've worked out, that the best bet is to hide behind the bushes and then leap out at them. The Spring is the best time of year for this. I get "the housekeeping staff" to help. "The one I don't trust" plants lots of seeds, or bait, as I think of it, to tempt our little feathered friends. I have spotted the flaw in his cunning plan - the netting he puts over the top stops the birds getting at the bait. When he goes in I help out by pulling down all the netting, and sure enough, loads of birds arrive. Last time I was just about to pounce when he came running out of the back door calling my name very loud and asking if I wanted extra prawns, something about having me stuffed I think he said -very thoughtful of him, but terrible timing - the little perishers were off like a shot.

He particularly dislikes the two pigeons that live nearby. They sit on the edge of the roof, and when they fly off, they occasionally deposit something most unpleasant on the kitchen window. Him and the "pretty one" were in the garden recently when this happened, and he was most annoyed. She said "don't worry, I will go and get some tissue paper from the loo to wipe it" - bit late for that I thought, it will be miles away by now!

This mornings little escapade was bought to a shuddering halt by my "stupid sister". I had one of the things in my sights, and was coiled like a spring ready to pounce when she appeared and plonked herself on the garden table. I think you will agree, that camouflage is not really something she has got to grips with. I mean no self respecting bird, not even a blind one is going to miss her. Time for lunch I thought and wandered in.

Well that's my lot for today. One final thing before I go - I have signed up on Facebook (click here) - still trying to fathom it all out, but "my poncy brother" reckons it is not suitable for me because I haven't got any friends - how rude! Help me prove him wrong. What a life! AlbertThe(nature loving)Cat.

Cometh the Bin Man!!

Hello again. I feel remarkably good today. Getting rid of those fleas has been most uplifting - I can't understand why "the housekeeping staff" made such a fuss about it. I still haven't forgiven my "stupid sister" and "poncy brother" though. They were sitting each side of the cat flap when I came in earlier. "Long time no flea" said Tabby, rolling around laughing, "don't be so nasty" said Ginger Tail, "poor Albert, I love you aw-flea". What a pair of smirking Judases - mmm... is there such a word? Not sure about the plural of Judas - might be Judi? Anyway, just to be absolutely clear, let's put it this way, there was one smirking Judas on one side of the flap and another smirking Judas on the other side. See, when you are well educated, like what I am, there is always a way round these things.

I was up early this morning, rudely awoken by the bin men coming down the road. I woke up in the fire place - must have slept like a log! I thought I would see what goes on, because they turn up on a Wednesday every week and make an almighty row. I was watching them out of the window. There were two or three black sacks on our garden path. Apparently "the one I don't trust" puts them out every Tuesday evening - I've no idea why. All the neighbours had done the same. Anyway, this great big lorry comes along, accompanied by about half a dozen men in bright yellow jackets. They pick up the sacks and throw some of the contents into the back of the lorry - the remainder they scatter along the road. It makes quite an impressive site, bits of paper, old tin cans, chicken bones, etc.. all over the place, blowing in the wind. I've no idea what this is all about, but I have worked out how well planned it all is. You see, another man comes along the street once a week on a Tuesday and sweeps up, so that the road is all nice and clean just in time for the bin men to arrive. All very strange don't you think.
The only other thing of note to report round here today is Tabby's fur ball - I have to give it to him it was the biggest one I had ever seen, and he did extremely well to find one of the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house upon which to deposit it. All three of us were admiring it when we heard "the housekeeping staff" approach. Call it sixth sense if you like, but I had a feeling that they would not share our sense of awe and admiration, so we all legged it as fast as we could. Listening from outside the flap, I realised that they must both be learning a foreign language, because he in particular used an awful lot of words that I hadn't heard before, followed by "I can't wait until I get hold of them!". Presumably he was missing us and was looking forward to our return so he could give us some prawns.

Now, before I sign off, I have an important announcement to make - due to overwhelming popular demand, I have decided to write an occasional agony column. I will be offering my advice to other cats on all manner of things. I may also consider dogs and humans if space permits. All you have to do is drop me a quick line through the "comment" button at the bottom of this posting, or through Twitter @AlbertTheCat. Just outline your problem, nothing is off limits, and you will benefit from my perceived wisdom, all in the strictest confidence of course. I look forward to hearing from you. I don't beat about the bush, you can rest assured that I give advice that no one wants to hear - I think I got that bit right? Look forward to hearing from you.

Well that's quite enough for today. I'm off to see what nice little treat "the housekeeping staff" had in mind. What a Life. AlbertThe(very caring)Cat.

Fleas! - Moi? Surely Not.

Good day to you all. I trust you had a nice weekend. I had a much needed restful one - most enjoyable. However, something very worrying is going on here today. More of that later, but first, to tie up a few loose ends from last week. You will recall, when I left you on Friday, I was sitting beside the big white thing in the kitchen where the prawns live. My little scam worked a treat - sure enough, "the pretty one" came in and took out the prawns destined for their supper. I gave her my best cute and adorable look, rolled over on my back a couple of times and "Robert's your Dad's brother", she gave me loads of the things. It works every time - she is a little gullible after all. Nearly got rumbled by "the one I don't trust", he couldn't understand why there were so few prawns in his curry - he may have had suspicions though, as he kept giving me dirty looks and saying "look at the state of that cat - he's so full he can hardly walk".

I hope you liked the football video from Saturday - just between you and me, and in the strictest of confidence, I am thinking of setting up my own TV channel to show further video clips - AlbertTV or BertVision I am thinking of calling it - what do you think?

Anyway, back to the business in hand - a very serious matter indeed. I heard "the one I don't trust" saying he intended to treat us. Now that's very nice I thought, looking forward to extra prawns. Not a bit of it - treat us for fleas he meant. What a damn cheek! He said this right in front of me - they are so stupid, they still think we don't know what they are saying. I quickly summoned an emergency meeting with "my poncy brother" and "stupid sister". We agreed that we had been itching a bit recently. I have worked out how this happened. I reckon we caught them off of the "housekeeping staff" - you see I did notice the pair of them scratching the other evening, and they were both sitting on the settee in exactly my favourite spot! Now it doesn't take a great leap of the imagination to put two and two together and make five does it.

Well earlier today he came in with these three little blue sachets and called us as if it was prawn time. He really must think we are as thick as he is, because all three of us were off to the hills before he had a chance to shut the cat-flap.

When they went out, we crept back in so I could write today's blog for you. Ginger Tail was keeping watch at the front door and Tabby on the windowsill looking down the road. They promised to give me a shout as and when the staff returned. A case of you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours you might say. Ho Ho! I must have nodded off, because I was awoken by the sound of the cat-flap closing and voices coming from downstairs. What happened to the early warning system you all ask. I looked out of the window and saw the other two sitting in the garden - "couldn't stop, we had to flea" chortled Tabby. "Yes" said Ginger Tail, "we were itching to get out". Oh how they laughed! I had been betrayed. You wait until I get hold of the pair of them.

Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to hide under the bed. If I can keep my head down for a couple of hours, I might be able to make a break for it under the cover of darkness. I'll tell you how I got on tomorrow. What a life! AlbertTheCat (and his little six legged friends).