Writer's Block......

Hello again. I'm not really sure why you've all turned up here today. I've got nothing much to say. I think I must be suffering from writer's block, whatever that is. "Thank goodness for that!" What, how rude! We can do without that sort of comment thank you very much! Perhaps I'll just start rambling away, and see where it leads us. "Same as normal then!" I don't believe it, we can do without him as well - it's Tabby, my poncy brother. I thought he was asleep in the vegetable patch - amongst his intellectual equals! Ho Ho Ho... Bear with me while I get rid of him.............................. That's better, now where were we?

Did you all have a nice weekend? I had a very quiet one, nothing much happened. I spent some time thinking, must have been all of five minutes. It does us all good to reflect now and again I pondered as I sat in front of the mirror. What's that awful grating noise I hear you ask - I'm afraid it's the sound of a barrel being scraped. I've no sympathy for you, it's your own fault for still being here -I did warn you that this might be a rather thin offering. I'm surprised you've got this far.I suppose, there was one thing of note that happened. Ginger Tail, my stupid sister had been scratching a lot recently, and it hadn't gone unnoticed. "I think we need to flea her" said the pretty one. "We should probably do the lot of them" added the one I don't trust in a somewhat menacing manner. I was off like a robber's dog, if you'll pardon the expression, followed closely by Tabby. We sat outside the back door to watch the forthcoming entertainment. Ginger Tail was too daft to realise what was happening and continued to sleep soundly on the settee. The one I don't trust, crept up and grabbed her by the scruff of the neck, and despite much hissing and scratching - mainly from him, he soon had her in a headlock. The pretty one squeezed some evil smelling potion on to the back of her neck. Ginger Tail's neck that is, not her own neck you understand - I hope that's clear! When he released her, she spat at him, Ginger Tail that is, and then bolted out through the cat flap and hid in the Chrysanthemumumums, Chrysanthemumumums, damn and blast, I'll try again, Chrysanthemumumums....., stupid name! "Chrysanthemums, I think you mean" said Tabby in a condescending voice. "That's easy for you to say" I replied. I hate him, I really do! Anyway, she hid in the yellow flowers before taking up residence behind the watering can.Meanwhile back in the house, the one I don't trust couldn't understand why me and Tabby had shot off before he could do us as well. He really has got no idea, I mean I understand everything he says - does he think I'm thick? There's no need for you to answer that one! He was making idle threats about catching me and Tabby the next morning. Well, let me tell you this, you've got to be up pretty early in the morning to catch Bert!! "About eleven 'o' clock should do it" said Tabby. What a cheek!Well, that's my lot for today. I told you there wasn't much to talk about. Oh, one minor event I should mention in passing - it's the pretty one's birthday today, so I suppose I should wish her many happy returns. No idea how old she is, let's just say twenty nine, that should keep me in her good books, and ensure extra prawns. Mind you, don't they reckon that one cat year is the equivalent of seven of their years? Or is it the other way round? No, I think I'm right, so that would make her 29 x 7, which equals, err...... nine times seven, err...... three down carry six, err..... well, lets just say very old in cat years. Mind you though, it's not all bad - statistically speaking, those who have the most birthdays live longest! What a life! AlbertThe(thinking)Cat.

Warning - Cats Can Seriously Improve Your Health!

Hello – I’m back again. Sorry about the last few days – I was going to tell you a little story yesterday, but by the time I woke up from my afternoon nap, I had a big decision to make. Should I turn over and go back to sleep, or should I write my blog. Anyway, I had a really good kip. Now, what was I going to write about??? Oh yes, I remember. Did you know that a family pet can improve the quality of life for the people they live with? Not only that, but medical science has shown that these folks also lead longer and healthier lives. I heard all this while I was dozing in front of the telly the other evening.

It was an interesting programme, only interrupted by cynical comments from “the one I don’t trust”. Hair on the furniture, fleas, furballs, eats us out of house and home, were just a few of the more repeatable remarks he made. Clearly he doesn’t appreciate the benefits of having me around the place. The gist of the story is that having animal companions - cats and dogs in particular results in both emotional and physical well-being. Now, I’m sure the mention of dogs, is political correctness gone mad. I mean to say we all know what a damn nuisance those things are, especially that nasty little Jack Russell that lives next door – always yapping away.So, we will ignore dogs, and assume they were really talking about cats. Here are just a few of the apparent benefits of having someone like me living with you.

• Lower blood cholesterol levels – makes perfect sense. They came up with some clever medical explanation, but the real reason is obvious. Shellfish, and prawns in particular are a rich source of cholesterol. In this house I shift all the prawns that are put in front of me, so there are very few left for anyone else. I could do even more to help if only they would let me.
• Lower blood pressure – the last time they tried to put me in a cat carrier to go to see “the bloke who sticks needles in me once a year,” I got rather annoyed, and managed to claw and bite “the one I don’t trust”. His arm was leaking all over the place, so it stands to reason that if he has less blood inside him, then the pressure will drop – pretty basic stuff really.
• Quicker recovery from illness - clearly, if they have me to look after, they can't loaf around in bed all day feeling sorry for themselves can they? Imagine if they were unable to supply me with prawns - I would leave wouldn't I, and they wouldn't want that!
• Higher survival rate after serious illness - a study has shown that heart attack patients are more likely to be alive a year after they discharge from hospital. It would be very poor form if they keeled over and left us unattended. We give them the will to live.
• Fewer doctor visits - apart from the occasional tetanus shot after one of our little altercations, I don't see any need for "the one I don't trust" to go at all.
• Reduced loneliness - I have my staff go out to the shops on a frequent basis to stock up on essential supplies - prawns, etc. The perfect opportunity to meet people. I am always thinking of them aren't I?
• Pet therapy programmes - in nursing homes cats are credited with enabling elderly patients to reach out beyond their own pain and isolation and start caring about the world around them again. Stops them being selfish and moping around thinking of nobody but themselves.
• Less depression - fancy that, us cats are anti-depressants - Prozac on legs!
  
• Aids childhood development - not sure about this one. I hate kids. When our "nosy neighbours" last popped round with their evil brood, one of them was crawling all over the place, and started eating my cat biscuits. Everyone was most put out when I hissed and spat at him. Well, I had to put my paw down. Apparently he started bed-wetting again as a result of the shock. Most unusual in a sixteen year old - just my little joke, he's twelve actually!
  

Well that's your lot for today. I leave you to ponder upon the above - no home is complete without a cat. Now, if any of you out there are feeling a bit poorly and are deficient in the cat department, then I have a couple of spares that I can let you have - "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" are both available for immediate shipping at a very reasonable price. What am I bid for the pair? What a life! AlbertThe(health-giving)Cat.

On the Stump - Vote for Bert....

Good morning again. I had a very pleasant and restful weekend. Plenty of naps, a bit of scratching, chased “my stupid sister” round the garden, and nearly caught a bird. How come they can fly and we can’t – most unfair! Prawns were in plentiful supply, so much so, that I was in a very benevolent mood and gave “the housekeeping staff” time off. They were ever so grateful.

Now, that we have got the pleasantries out of the way let us get down to business. A brand new week, and what a big week it is. There is a very important matter that needs resolving once and for all, and as you would expect I have come up with the perfect solution. Something that started as a minor irritation, but has grown into an almighty itch – no I am not talking about the unfortunate flea problem of a couple of weeks ago. As you know, I like to illuminate these dry old postings with a few pictures. Well, every time I put up a picture of my “stupid sister”, I get lots of comments and tweets saying how cute and adorable she is. Even “my poncy brother” has his admirers. Well let me tell you this – it makes me sick!! What more have I got to do – there is only one cute and adorable cat round here and that is me!

So, what we are going to do is to have an election – it is compulsory for you to vote. Up in the top right hand corner, you will see your ballot form. All you have to do is to tick the box that says Albert. Now to ensure that the poll is carried out in a fair and impartial manner, I will be the sole adjudicator. I have given Ginger Tail and Tabby a chance to publish a short election address, a pack of lies if you ask me, but you must decide whether you are gullible enough to believe them – don’t let me influence you.

Ginger Tail – Election address

Hello – I am Bert’s cute little sister. Everyone who sees me says I am adorable. I have a pretty ginger tail with black and ginger patches on my head. My interests are charity work, helping other cats less fortunate than myself, travel, and mice. I am by far and away the best looking cat in this household – vote for me, pretty please, vote for me. Lots of love Ginger Tail xxx



Tabby – Election address

I am Tabby, Bert’s good looking brother. As you can see, I am a long haired tabby cat with a pure white front. “The pretty one” thinks I am the nicest cat and she fully endorses my candidacy. She is always telling me I am cute, and it is quite clear that I am her favourite. I sit on her lap when ever I can, and she never stops stroking me. My main interest is sucking up to "the housekeeping staff" in order to get extra prawns. Vote for me and I will let you stroke me. Tabby.


AlbertTheCat – Election address

Far be it from me to indulge in negative campaigning, but have you read the tosh above. Dreadful isn’t it. Ginger Tail was the runt of the litter I’ll have you know, and as for “my poncy brother” – he’s just a common or garden tabby with an inflated opinion of himself. What can I say about myself that you don’t already know. I have the outstanding features of the pedigree ferrel cat, the sleek figure, the finely honed physique and a cute little black chin to go with it. My good looks and intellect are only matched by my modesty. I rest my case. Do your duty - vote for Albert – there could be a prawn in it for you. Vote Albert - you know it makes sense! Pretty good slogan don't you think?

All you have to do is to cast your vote. The polls will close at midnight on Thursday, and I will announce my landslide victory, whoops sorry, the result on Friday.

Well that’s the lot for today. I’m off to do a bit of campaigning round the local neighbourhood. Must remember to take a few prawns with me. What a life! AlbertThe(right choice)Cat.

Cometh the Bin Man!!

Hello again. I feel remarkably good today. Getting rid of those fleas has been most uplifting - I can't understand why "the housekeeping staff" made such a fuss about it. I still haven't forgiven my "stupid sister" and "poncy brother" though. They were sitting each side of the cat flap when I came in earlier. "Long time no flea" said Tabby, rolling around laughing, "don't be so nasty" said Ginger Tail, "poor Albert, I love you aw-flea". What a pair of smirking Judases - mmm... is there such a word? Not sure about the plural of Judas - might be Judi? Anyway, just to be absolutely clear, let's put it this way, there was one smirking Judas on one side of the flap and another smirking Judas on the other side. See, when you are well educated, like what I am, there is always a way round these things.

I was up early this morning, rudely awoken by the bin men coming down the road. I woke up in the fire place - must have slept like a log! I thought I would see what goes on, because they turn up on a Wednesday every week and make an almighty row. I was watching them out of the window. There were two or three black sacks on our garden path. Apparently "the one I don't trust" puts them out every Tuesday evening - I've no idea why. All the neighbours had done the same. Anyway, this great big lorry comes along, accompanied by about half a dozen men in bright yellow jackets. They pick up the sacks and throw some of the contents into the back of the lorry - the remainder they scatter along the road. It makes quite an impressive site, bits of paper, old tin cans, chicken bones, etc.. all over the place, blowing in the wind. I've no idea what this is all about, but I have worked out how well planned it all is. You see, another man comes along the street once a week on a Tuesday and sweeps up, so that the road is all nice and clean just in time for the bin men to arrive. All very strange don't you think.
The only other thing of note to report round here today is Tabby's fur ball - I have to give it to him it was the biggest one I had ever seen, and he did extremely well to find one of the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house upon which to deposit it. All three of us were admiring it when we heard "the housekeeping staff" approach. Call it sixth sense if you like, but I had a feeling that they would not share our sense of awe and admiration, so we all legged it as fast as we could. Listening from outside the flap, I realised that they must both be learning a foreign language, because he in particular used an awful lot of words that I hadn't heard before, followed by "I can't wait until I get hold of them!". Presumably he was missing us and was looking forward to our return so he could give us some prawns.

Now, before I sign off, I have an important announcement to make - due to overwhelming popular demand, I have decided to write an occasional agony column. I will be offering my advice to other cats on all manner of things. I may also consider dogs and humans if space permits. All you have to do is drop me a quick line through the "comment" button at the bottom of this posting, or through Twitter @AlbertTheCat. Just outline your problem, nothing is off limits, and you will benefit from my perceived wisdom, all in the strictest confidence of course. I look forward to hearing from you. I don't beat about the bush, you can rest assured that I give advice that no one wants to hear - I think I got that bit right? Look forward to hearing from you.

Well that's quite enough for today. I'm off to see what nice little treat "the housekeeping staff" had in mind. What a Life. AlbertThe(very caring)Cat.

The Best Laid Plans.......

Good day readers. I trust you are all well. I left you yesterday, having been treacherously betrayed by "my poncy brother" and "stupid sister", holed up under the bed in a gallant attempt to avoid the dreaded flea treatment. I hoped to make a break for it after dark. Well, as they say, "the best laid plans of mice and men". Who on earth said that. Must have been me, there's no one else here! When has a mouse come up with anything remotely resembling a sensible plan, come to that when has a man?

Back to the matter in hand. I thought things were going well, until I heard "the one I don't trust" creeping up the stairs. Do you know what dastardly trick he played? He only waved a juicy prawn by the side of the bed. Did he really think I would fall for an old scam like that. It was a battle of wills. I refused to crack, and held out for what seemed like a lifetime - must have been at least thirty seconds. He then played his trump card - "if you don't come out I'll give the prawn to Tabby" he said. Anyway, it was an extremely tasty prawn, but unfortunately I ended up in a headlock. I managed to inflict a few scratches, and a little nip to one of his fingers, but eventually had to admit defeat. The "pretty one" appeared with the flea stuff, squirted it on my neck and it was all over in a flash. I suppose it was all for the good. I got a few extra prawns afterwards, and I certainly don't itch as much. The only irritation I have now is my "poncy brother" and "stupid sister".Looking on the bright side, I don't have to concern myself with fleas for a little while. I get de-flead once a year - whether I need it or not. After I had been "done", "the one I don't trust" decided to go fishing, well I think he did, because he said, "next thing is worms" - presumably he was going to dig for bait in the garden.

Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to settle a score with "my poncy brother" and "stupid sister". What a life! AlbertThe(flea-less)Cat.

Fleas! - Moi? Surely Not.

Good day to you all. I trust you had a nice weekend. I had a much needed restful one - most enjoyable. However, something very worrying is going on here today. More of that later, but first, to tie up a few loose ends from last week. You will recall, when I left you on Friday, I was sitting beside the big white thing in the kitchen where the prawns live. My little scam worked a treat - sure enough, "the pretty one" came in and took out the prawns destined for their supper. I gave her my best cute and adorable look, rolled over on my back a couple of times and "Robert's your Dad's brother", she gave me loads of the things. It works every time - she is a little gullible after all. Nearly got rumbled by "the one I don't trust", he couldn't understand why there were so few prawns in his curry - he may have had suspicions though, as he kept giving me dirty looks and saying "look at the state of that cat - he's so full he can hardly walk".

I hope you liked the football video from Saturday - just between you and me, and in the strictest of confidence, I am thinking of setting up my own TV channel to show further video clips - AlbertTV or BertVision I am thinking of calling it - what do you think?

Anyway, back to the business in hand - a very serious matter indeed. I heard "the one I don't trust" saying he intended to treat us. Now that's very nice I thought, looking forward to extra prawns. Not a bit of it - treat us for fleas he meant. What a damn cheek! He said this right in front of me - they are so stupid, they still think we don't know what they are saying. I quickly summoned an emergency meeting with "my poncy brother" and "stupid sister". We agreed that we had been itching a bit recently. I have worked out how this happened. I reckon we caught them off of the "housekeeping staff" - you see I did notice the pair of them scratching the other evening, and they were both sitting on the settee in exactly my favourite spot! Now it doesn't take a great leap of the imagination to put two and two together and make five does it.

Well earlier today he came in with these three little blue sachets and called us as if it was prawn time. He really must think we are as thick as he is, because all three of us were off to the hills before he had a chance to shut the cat-flap.

When they went out, we crept back in so I could write today's blog for you. Ginger Tail was keeping watch at the front door and Tabby on the windowsill looking down the road. They promised to give me a shout as and when the staff returned. A case of you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours you might say. Ho Ho! I must have nodded off, because I was awoken by the sound of the cat-flap closing and voices coming from downstairs. What happened to the early warning system you all ask. I looked out of the window and saw the other two sitting in the garden - "couldn't stop, we had to flea" chortled Tabby. "Yes" said Ginger Tail, "we were itching to get out". Oh how they laughed! I had been betrayed. You wait until I get hold of the pair of them.

Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to hide under the bed. If I can keep my head down for a couple of hours, I might be able to make a break for it under the cover of darkness. I'll tell you how I got on tomorrow. What a life! AlbertTheCat (and his little six legged friends).