Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Cometh the Bin Man!!

Hello again. I feel remarkably good today. Getting rid of those fleas has been most uplifting - I can't understand why "the housekeeping staff" made such a fuss about it. I still haven't forgiven my "stupid sister" and "poncy brother" though. They were sitting each side of the cat flap when I came in earlier. "Long time no flea" said Tabby, rolling around laughing, "don't be so nasty" said Ginger Tail, "poor Albert, I love you aw-flea". What a pair of smirking Judases - mmm... is there such a word? Not sure about the plural of Judas - might be Judi? Anyway, just to be absolutely clear, let's put it this way, there was one smirking Judas on one side of the flap and another smirking Judas on the other side. See, when you are well educated, like what I am, there is always a way round these things.

I was up early this morning, rudely awoken by the bin men coming down the road. I woke up in the fire place - must have slept like a log! I thought I would see what goes on, because they turn up on a Wednesday every week and make an almighty row. I was watching them out of the window. There were two or three black sacks on our garden path. Apparently "the one I don't trust" puts them out every Tuesday evening - I've no idea why. All the neighbours had done the same. Anyway, this great big lorry comes along, accompanied by about half a dozen men in bright yellow jackets. They pick up the sacks and throw some of the contents into the back of the lorry - the remainder they scatter along the road. It makes quite an impressive site, bits of paper, old tin cans, chicken bones, etc.. all over the place, blowing in the wind. I've no idea what this is all about, but I have worked out how well planned it all is. You see, another man comes along the street once a week on a Tuesday and sweeps up, so that the road is all nice and clean just in time for the bin men to arrive. All very strange don't you think.
The only other thing of note to report round here today is Tabby's fur ball - I have to give it to him it was the biggest one I had ever seen, and he did extremely well to find one of the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house upon which to deposit it. All three of us were admiring it when we heard "the housekeeping staff" approach. Call it sixth sense if you like, but I had a feeling that they would not share our sense of awe and admiration, so we all legged it as fast as we could. Listening from outside the flap, I realised that they must both be learning a foreign language, because he in particular used an awful lot of words that I hadn't heard before, followed by "I can't wait until I get hold of them!". Presumably he was missing us and was looking forward to our return so he could give us some prawns.

Now, before I sign off, I have an important announcement to make - due to overwhelming popular demand, I have decided to write an occasional agony column. I will be offering my advice to other cats on all manner of things. I may also consider dogs and humans if space permits. All you have to do is drop me a quick line through the "comment" button at the bottom of this posting, or through Twitter @AlbertTheCat. Just outline your problem, nothing is off limits, and you will benefit from my perceived wisdom, all in the strictest confidence of course. I look forward to hearing from you. I don't beat about the bush, you can rest assured that I give advice that no one wants to hear - I think I got that bit right? Look forward to hearing from you.

Well that's quite enough for today. I'm off to see what nice little treat "the housekeeping staff" had in mind. What a Life. AlbertThe(very caring)Cat.


  1. Yeah you will most definitely make a good agony cat-aunt or should it cat-uncle?