Thursday, 5 November 2009

The Battle of Wounded Knee

I'm absolutely livid - internet has been down for two days. No tweeting and no blog. I blame the housekeeping staff. They have very little to do, and if they can't even sort out simple things like the internet, then I have grave concerns over their suitability for more important tasks like maintaining a regular and plentiful supply of prawns. Anyway things seem to be OK this morning - prawns on time and internet working.

Today I will tell you about my old war wound, I don’t like to talk about it really. Considering the grace, agility and speed with which I move, it is hard to believe that not that long ago, I was laid up with a badly broken leg - front offside, should you ask. How did this happen I hear you cry.

Well, it was a pleasant enough evening, and after a good supper of biscuits and prawns, washed down by a nice drink from the drain, I wandered off to do the rounds before bed. All of a sudden I heard this terrible howling and hissing coming from the end of the road. I rushed to see what was going on, only pausing to see my poncy, cowardly brother heading in the opposite direction. An awful site greeted me - a pack of wild and ferocious dogs had set upon my stupid sister. There were four Alsatians, three pit bulls, a Rottweiler as big as a bear and countless others, all under the command of the nasty, yappy little Jack Russell who lives next door. Without a moments thought for my own safety I dived into the melee.

As a diversionary tactic, I went straight for the Rottweiler and sunk my claws into his neck. The whole pack turned on me allowing my stupid sister to run for cover under a bush. I single handedly fought them off, and as the battle raged, one by one they slunk away with there tails between their legs. Two of us were left standing - me and the Rottweiler. We fought tooth and claw, and as we rolled in the blood and the dirt and the gore, the weight of the huge beast was too much, and I felt my leg snap. I summoned up one last effort and went for his throat - I clung on for all I was worth and eventually the monster let out a pitiful yelp, whereupon I released my vice like grip and it scuttled away.

All was quiet, I pulled my sister from under the bush, grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and then on three legs, and over five garden walls I dragged her back home before collapsing exhausted.

When the housekeeping staff discovered me they were horrified. With blue lights flashing, I was rushed to see the "bloke who sticks needles in me once a year" - I hate him. Well to cut a long story short, I was operated on there and then - metal plates and bolts were inserted into my leg. It was touch and go for a while, but I pulled through. I was in intensive care for two months and then confined to barracks for another couple before being able to return to normal duties. How about that for a heart warming tale of courage and bravery!! I don’t talk about it much you understand. The two pictures show me just after the op, and then in intensive care.

Expect there will be more fireworks tonight. I would advise all other cats to settle down under the bed. Personally I will be sitting on the back wall enjoying the festivities.

Well that's certainly enough excitement for one day. I'm off, but I will return tomorrow. What a life! Albert the Cat.


  1. Will Albert be an indoor cat now?

  2. Michelle - I am pleased to tell you that I have made a full recovery. I roam wherever I wish! Regards, Albert the Cat.

  3. Be careful Albert! But now that I see how you really hurt your leg (although the wounded knee story was great reading!) and that there aren't mean doggies about I feel better.

  4. Hello Bert,Love your blog.Can you tell me if you get this message,Regards your cousin Fizzey in France.

  5. Oh Albert what sad pics of you. Glad to hear you have made a good recovery.