Friday, 13 November 2009

The Demon Drink!

Morning all! Hope everyone is well - oh you are, are you? I'm absolutely delighted! It's alright for some then isn't it!! I'm in a foul mood this morning. I'd keep out of my way if I were you. Can things get much worse? Look what has happened in the last few days alone - "my stupid sister" spreads false and malicious lies about my prowess as a fighter, "my poncy brother" recovers from his potentially life threatening affliction (he's still getting king size prawns by the way - makes me sick!), "the housekeeping staff" plan to put me on a diet, and then to cap it all I've got a stonking hangover. And it is raining!! This is me having a "hair of the dog" - daft expression, from the puddle!

How did this happen? Well, quite naturally, I took great umbrage over the diet issue, so I decided to go out for a drink with a few of the local tom cats, you know, a lad's night out. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I didn't get back home until this morning. What a night - can't remember too much about it, but I've got a rotten head ache. Last thing I can recall is five of us sitting on the back wall and singing "cool for cats" and then some bloke opens a window and shouts out "do you know what time it is?" I look up at the night sky and helpfully shout back "about half past three"! Now I thought he would be impressed by the cat's ability to tell the time from the stars - not a bit of it, he chucked a boot at us. How rude!

We had some deep and meaningful discussions, how the world would be a far better place if dogs hadn't been invented, do humans have any purpose apart from looking after us, you know the sort of thing. I mentioned that I was considered by the "housekeeping staff" to be too heavy. The old black tom from down the road looked me up and down and reckoned that this was far from the case. He said that in fact the problem is, I am a little too short for my weight and need to eat more prawns to make me grow taller. What sensible advice, and he should know, you should see the size of him.

When I woke up under a bush, it was hammering down with rain and I arrived home soaked to the skin. A light breakfast, a dry on the settee, followed by a nice long nap seemed the order of the day. I should be so lucky! Looked through the backdoor, and saw the housekeeping staff. They were up and about early and worst of all they had the damn vacuum cleaner out (you can see the look of horror on my face in the picture). This can only mean one thing - yes you've guessed it - we must be having visitors. I hate visitors. I mean the place really doesn't need cleaning, they did it about three weeks ago. It takes that long to get a really nice layer of hair all over the furniture - gives the place a homely feel I always think. Will be back to square one now.

Well that's my lot for today. Once the noise of that damn vacuum cleaner has stopped, I think I will creep up to the bedroom and put my head down until lunchtime. Oh dear, think I can feel a fur ball coming on - shouldn't have had that last drink from the puddle. What a life! AlbertTheCat.

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