It's a Frogs Life!

Good day to you all. What a tough weekend I've had. You will recall, the one I don't trust threatened to reduce my already meagre prawn ration if I didn't keep the blackbirds off of his newly planted grass seed. I've been out on guard duty in all weathers - thunderstorms, hail, gales, lightning, tornadoes, you name it, we've had it. "What are you talking about - nothing more than a spot of drizzle and a gentle breeze." Don't tell them that! It's my stupid sister, I wish she would shut up. Anyway, moving on , I can safely say that no blackbird has eaten even one seed. "What about those two pigeons who were so stuffed - they could hardly take off?" Look, I won't tell you again, shut up! Ooh, she is a nuisance.Yesterday was a public holiday. It poured down most of the day. Apparently it always rains on such occasions. Personally I don't agree with the things, I mean why on earth do they need another holiday - it is a real pain. The housekeeping staff just loaf about, not knowing what to do with themselves. All the time they were hanging about the place I had to pretend to be on guard duty. At least they have cleared off today leaving me in peace to go and have a nice kip on the bed. He will never know if anything has eaten the seeds - I doubt if they will grow anyway, not after I've had a good roll on them, well, the ones that are left that is. Hoe Hoe Hoe.... pay attention, that was just one of my little gardening jokes!

While I was taking a break from the arduous guard duty, I had a little stroll around the local patch. A few gardens along, there is a pond. I was looking into it, hoping one of the little fishes would come up to the top when I heard this strange croaking noise behind me. Would you believe it, a frog jumped out of the grass, straight into the pond, and splashed water all over me. It gave me quite a turn! Anyway, after I came down from the tree, I had another look, and do you know, the pond was full of little black things swimming about. Now, for the uninitiated these are called tadpoles and apparently they turn into frogs - a neat little trick, no idea how they do it.

I expect you are impressed, you didn't know that along with my many other talents - ornithology, horticulture, etc. I am also a keen naturist. Are there no ends to your talents Bert, I hear you cry. "There most certainly are." Who said that? "You mean naturalist not naturist" laughed Tabby. It's my poncy brother, what's he doing here? "A naturist is someone who likes running around without any clothes on" he said, "remember, just like you after the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year had to shave you after the unfortunate incident with the pot of green paint when you were a kitten, oh how we laughed." We won't go into that! I hate him, I really do. What does he know anyway. "Why do people who know about frogs have to take their clothes off?" I shrewdly asked. He had no answer. He really shouldn't get involved in arguments with a cat of my intellect. Anyway, how was I to know that old can was full of paint.
Well, that's my lot for today. Suppose I'd better get back on sentry duty before the one I don't trust returns. The damn pigeons will be back for their lunch I expect. I reckon they are redundant carrier pigeons. What with e-mail and text messaging they have too much time on their hands. Nothing to do all day but eat our grass seed. The things I have to put up with. What a life! AlbertThe(fully clothed)Cat.

Good News and Bad News!

Greetings folks. What a day I've had! There is some really hot news - very good news for me, but not so good for you lot. I don't know where to begin.

Probably best to start with the good news. The housekeeping staff were talking this morning, and as I like to keep abreast of what is going on around here, I was earholing their conversation from behind a chair. The one I don't trust is going away for a couple of weeks. At first I was horrified, as I assumed the pretty one would go with him, and we would be shipped off to Camp Colditz to endure the harsh regime presided over by the evil camp commandant. But no, she is staying here to look after me and the other two.

Wonderful news isn't it? I mean he is a damn nuisance and we will be well shot of him for a while. Good riddance is what I say. I can't wait for him to clear off. The pretty one is extremely gullible - I can wrap her round my little finger. I can see it now, prawns for breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper, not forgetting snacks between meals and my little treats for being good. I'm sure the menu will be far superior to the somewhat sparse rations he provides. I'll be able to sleep on the bed as well if I play my cards right - he gets a little touchy about this, especially if I come in after a bit of late night digging in the rain.What is the bad news then I hear you ask. Well, it's not that bad for me, but it could be traumatic for you lot. Now brace yourselves - you see, when he goes away he is going to take my computer with him, so I won't be able to share these rather eloquent missives with you. What, no Bert's Blog for a couple of weeks, I hear you cry. I know how distressed you must be. How will you get by? "I bet they're delighted not to have to read that rubbish for a fortnight." Who said that? It's my poncy brother, Tabby - I hate him I do really. Just wait until I get my paws on him. Yes, it's true, I will be off-line for the duration. Still, every cloud has a silver lining as they say. In recognition of my generosity in letting him take my computer, he gave me an extra handful of prawns. It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good. "That's enough corny old cliches." I wish Tabby would shut up - he is a pain in the neck. Cliches indeed, I'm fed up to the back teeth with them.Well that's your lot for today, and the next couple of weeks in fact. Must be off, that poncy brother of mine is already ingratiating himself with the pretty one. I must make sure he doesn't get more prawns than me. I will be back around the end of the month. I just hope you can get by without me. "I expect we'll manage." Who said that? How rude! What a Life! AlbertThe(Off-line)Cat.

An Idiot's Work is Never Done...

Hello again. You've probably missed me for the last couple of days, I've been keeping my head down. "Have you? we didn't notice." Who said that? How rude! Things are on a knife edge round here – the fragile truce is holding, but only just. We got off to a shaky start this morning. When the one I don’t trust surfaced, he was greeted by a rather impressive hairball that I had earlier left at the bottom of the stairs. He was less than impressed and started using all sorts of unpleasant language, mostly aimed in my direction. He had no proof at all it was me. It could quite easily have been my stupid sister or my poncy brother. It is outrageous that he should blame me. I was going to unilaterally call off our truce – this is how wars start, I thought. You can’t go around making false allegations without expecting the other side to retaliate. “Hang on a minute Bert, I thought it was you that dumped the hairball!!” Which clever reader said that? If you want to split hairs, so to speak, then I suppose you have a point, however it is the principle we are dealing with here.Anyway, he's in a foul mood. The pretty one comes home tomorrow after two weeks away. He has been cleaning the place up and my word it certainly needs it. The damn vacuum cleaner has been out - I hate that thing! He was getting stuck into it when she called him on the phone. I overheard the conversation - well his end of it. It mainly consisted of him repeating the words "yes dear" over and over again in a monosyllabic voice. That's a long word for a cat isn't it - I'll have to try and use it more often! I digress, he then said in an exasperated voice, "but I'm doing it now, I had to stop to answer the phone." I can only assume, she was issuing him with his instructions. He then called upon higher powers for assistance - well I think he did "God help us" he cried, although I did notice he had his hand over the mouthpiece as he said it! "I must go, there's someone at the door" he said as he quietly opened the front door and pushed the bell. What a nasty piece of work he is.

Well, as you can imagine, it is going to be a long job - there is furious activity, absolutely everything is being attacked with the vacuum cleaner - he even used it to clean the bath and the cooker. The noise is unbearable, banging and crashing about he is, and the language was truly awful - I must stop using it. This is no place for a sensitive cat like me, so I cleared off. When I came back for lunch a few hours later, it had quietened down. I must give him his due, you can't recognise the place. I noticed the difference immediately as I strolled through the kitchen - my paws didn't stick to the floor. He was finishing off in the lounge - he sprayed polish into the air, "smells like I have polished the furniture" he chuckled to himself, "she'll never know." See, what did I tell you - a nasty piece of work!

He was admiring his handiwork when I appeared "don't you or the other two reprobates dare mess this up before she gets back!!" he said in a threatening manner. To be honest with you I was not at all enamoured with his attitude. I immediately had a good scratch and pulled out a tuft of hair. He was apoplectic - that's another good word for a cat isn't it. I think he got my drift, because after he had cleaned up the hair, he calmed down a bit. "I suppose you want your lunch now" he said. What a stupid question, why else does he think I am here.Well, that's my lot for today. We now await the triumphant return of the pretty one tomorrow. He has to go and collect her from the airport. The big question is, do I mess the place up while he fetches her? The upside is that he will get his comeuppance, but the downside is that it might put her in a bad mood, and she could well decide not to shower me with treats to express her delight at seeing me again. I wandered off to ponder the dilemma, and saw Tabby sitting on the fence. "He's done his chores" I said. "What chores?" said Tabby. "How kind" I replied, "I'll have half a dozen prawns." Oh how I laughed. Tomorrow looks like being a little hectic, so I may not be here. Do not fear though, I will return as normal next week. What a life! AlbertThe(erudite)Cat.

A Night on the Tiles.....

What a night! As we were hoping, "the one I don't trust" cleared off yesterday evening. Not sure where he went, but I think he met up with some of his pals, or lowlife as I prefer to call them. Anyway, no sooner was he out the door, than my plan for a cultural evening at home with a select few of the local cats swung into action like a well oiled machine. Word was put out on the bush telegraph (I stuck my head out of the flap and mewed loudly), and the guests started to arrive. My poncy brother and my stupid sister were first. I didn't really want to ask them, but as I let them live here with me, I felt obliged to. They were closely followed by wise Old Black Tom. He is a very clever cat, and knows everything. "Where are Mad Harry and Slasher Sid" I asked. "No idea" he replied.

Not to worry, they soon turned up. A strange aroma preceded them - they had bought a tasty pair of half eaten kippers with them, carefully selected from a neighbours bin. How thoughtful. "You might need some of these" said Harry. "Most kind" I replied, "we are fresh out." They put them on the settee for safe keeping. Next, we heard a jingling bell sound, and Quasimodo shot through the flap looking nervously over his shoulder. Now, for new readers, you need to be aware that he has been driven insane by a little bell on his collar! "I'm being chased by an ice cream van" he cried as he dived for cover under the table, knocking over a pot plant in the process. At that very moment, there was a ring on the doorbell, and Quasimodo took the very wise precaution of climbing up the curtains, which duly fell down, along with the curtain rail. "Who was that at the door" I asked. "No idea" said Old Black Tom.What a terrible example of shoddy workmanship I thought. Not surprising though, I remember "the one I don't trust" putting the the curtain rail up just after we moved here. It was a real bodge job - he drilled the holes too big, and when he thought "the pretty one" wasn't looking, he bunged them up with bits of newspaper. He then employed a rarely used advanced technique to insert the screws - a two pound club-hammer! There's an awful lot more I can tell you about his DIY efforts, but that can wait until another day.

Anyway, we digress. Things were in full swing and we had started the party games. Our favourite is a slight variation of pin the tail on the donkey - we call it pin the collar on Quasimodo. It was great fun once we managed to catch him - Oh how we all laughed, well most of us. The game was brought to an abrupt halt by a loud crash from the kitchen. Harry had been taking a drink from the sink, when the large pile of dirty plates, dishes etc, that have accumulated over the last few days collapsed on to the floor. This came as quite a shock to Sid, who at the same time was turning out the contents of the garbage bin on to the very same floor. "Makes it easier to sort through" he advised later. Well, you can imagine the mess.Disaster! I heard a key turn in the front door. "The one I don't trust" had come home early - you really can't rely on him. He was not impressed with the sight that greeted him - smelly kippers on the settee, curtains and plaster all over the floor, the kitchen covered in garbage and broken crockery. You should have seen the scramble for the cat flap. I wouldn't have thought it possible that so many cats could get out of such a small hole in so little time. We reassembled on the back wall. The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry - who was it who said that? "Robert Burns" said Old Black Tom. "No, it couldn't have been him" I replied, "he wasn't invited. It must have been me!" Perhaps Old Black Tom is not so clever after all.

Oh well, that's my lot for today. When I crept back indoors a little later, I think he had forgiven us, because I heard him mutter under his breath "wait till I get hold of those three." I expect he is missing us and just wants to give us a cuddle - so that's nice isn't it! What a life! AlbertThe(party animal)Cat.

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness.......

Hello again. You'll no doubt be pleased to know that we are still surviving under the somewhat lax regime being presided over by "the one I don't trust." News from afar has reached us to confirm the safe arrival of "the pretty one" at her mothers place. He has told her in his regular bulletins that we are all missing her. "My poncy brother" certainly is. Well, he's missing the extra prawns he manages to scrounge from her with his grovelling and sucking up. His deceitful ways don't appear to carry much weight with "the one I don't trust."

Standards continue to drop. Not ours you understand, but his. He still hasn't bothered to clean up the kitchen - do you know, I'm sure he thinks the smoke alarm is the timer for the oven! I don't think he's bothered shaving for a couple of days now, and as I've been scratching a bit more than usual recently, I'm concerned that I may have caught something from him! Us cats are very clean creatures you know, well most of us are. After a good roll in the dirt, I always come in and clean up on the bed. Have you noticed, that we always lick and wash after we have eaten. I bet you don't know why - well pay attention then and I will tell you.Back in the mists of time when the first cat was created, said cat had to catch his own dinner. A very poor state of affairs, but it does clearly indicate that cats were around long before the "housekeeping staff" were created, otherwise the cat would not have had to concern himself with such menial tasks. When the cat caught a mouse, it decided to wash its paws and face before eating. "Why did the cat wash the mouse?" Who said that? You really are thick, I meant the cat washed it's own paws and face. I sometimes wonder why I bother.

I've lost my thread now, where was I - oh I remember - the cat put the mouse to one side and performed his ablutions - see, I told you we were very clean. When he was ready to eat, he turned round and to his horror, the mouse had run off. A very dastardly trick for the mouse to pull, I've always said that you can't trust the little critters. Anyway, being quick on the uptake, after a few million years of evolution, the penny finally dropped, and the cat decided he wouldn't be so hungry if he cleaned up after he had eaten rather than before. That's why to this very day us cats still do the same thing. This is all true I'll have you know, or did I make it up - I can't remember! Here's another interesting thing - what is the only creature that tells it's offspring to wash it's hands before it eats? Yes, you've guessed - humans. Just another example of why cats are much smarter.Well, that's my lot for today. I can't hang around here enlightening you lot. I've got better things to do. Plans continue apace for my "Albert at Home" bash. I have spread the word, and I am expecting a decent turn out. I've even invited old Quasimodo, the cat with the bell, I've told you about before - he should be good for a laugh. What do you mean it's cruel to make fun of him. I'll have you know we laugh at him not with him - or is it the other way round? Anyway, I've a hunch he won't turn up - Ho Ho Ho.... All I need now is for "the one I don't trust" to clear off for the evening. Perhaps it will be tonight. What a Life! AlbertThe(hygienic)Cat.

Home Alone - Apart From Him!!!

When I awoke bright and early this morning I wandered over to the window, and what an inspirational sight greeted me. The early morning sun was just peeping over the hedgerows, and spears of light were glistening on the lightly frosted grass, like twinkling diamonds. The wondrous hues of newly bloomed crocuses, bluebells and snowdrops - blues, yellows, purples and brilliant white against a backdrop of vivid green - a picture to behold. The dawn chorus was in full song, as blue tits, sparrows and robins joyously greeted the new day with a rich melodious cacophony of sound. Mother nature in all her glory. I sat and admired such handiwork and I knew at once what I should take full advantage of the wonderful gifts she has bestowed upon us. Yes, that's right, I went straight back to bed, stopping only for a light breakfast on the way.Well, what did you think I was going to do? I mean, mornings come round every day nearly, so there's no need to get carried away is there! After all, I need my rest. Anyway, I eventually surfaced just before lunch, and the sun was still out, so clearly I made the right decision. Time for a good scratch, and roll in the dirt before eating. I was starting to doze off in the warm sunshine, when the tranquility was broken by the sound of "my stupid sister" crashing over the back wall in hot pursuit of a large pigeon that was flying at least thirty feet above the ground. I do wonder about her at times. "You'll never catch that" I said. "I'm gaining on it" she replied as she shot past.

Next, "my poncy brother" Tabby appears out of the cat flap with a concerned look on his smug face, and comes over and sits down for a chat. He was the bearer of some very worrying news. Apparently he had overheard a telephone call between "the pretty one" and her mother. "She's visiting" said Tabby, "for a fortnight." "What!!!" I exclaimed, but we've only just got rid of her after Christmas. "No, no" said Tabby, "you don't understand, it is far worse, her mother is not coming here, 'the pretty' one is going to visit her!" The thought of two weeks in the Colditz Cattery under the supervision of the evil camp commandant filled me with dread. "It's bad, but not quite that bad" said Tabby, "she is going on her own, 'the one we don't trust' is being left behind to look after us."My initial relief quickly turned to horror. I mean, "the one I don't trust" is hardly capable of looking after himself, he's barely house trained. Surely he can't be left in charge for two whole weeks. I reckon he has been biding his time waiting for an opportunity like this to get his own back on me - I'll probably starve. Apparently she is not going until the end of the week, so there is time to hatch a plan. I think I'll let the Cats Protection people know what is going on - they keep in touch through the good offices of Twitter you know.

Well, that's my lot for today. I'm in shock. What started off as a rather pleasant day, has gone downhill very quickly. What on earth possessed her to desert us and leave him totally unsupervised. Who is going to tie his shoelaces for him? Without her around things are bound to go to pot. His view of housework is why bother, in six months time it will need doing again. What a life! AlbertThe(deserted)Cat.

Taking Liberties........

What a start to the day! You won't believe it. "The housekeeping staff" only managed to run out of our cat biscuits. What an outrage. "The one I don't trust" was dispatched to the shop with utmost haste to rectify the situation. While he was gone, I popped over next door and sure enough, there was a bowl of biscuits in the garden for the nasty little Jack Russell that lives there. Well, any port in a storm - they were quite tasty. I'd only managed a few when the damn thing started yapping away, so I made a swift exit. Unfortunately I now have this strange desire to chase sticks! Do you know, I heard the nasty thing's owner complaining, that it had started chasing everyone on a bike - she should take his bike away, that's what I say! Anyway, to put your minds at rest, the great biscuit famine is now over, and things are back to normal - well what passes for normal round here.There has been some more distressing news. All three of us are now definitely booked in for our booster jabs next Tuesday. This time, I heard it with my own ears, so I don't have to rely on "my poncy brother" for duff information. I was snoozing on the settee when"the one I don't trust" made the phone call to book us in. "Do you think Bert understood that" he chuckled as he put the phone down. What's with this "Bert", I don't remember giving the staff permission to be so familiar! Of course I understood - does he think I'm stupid! Us cats have very sensitive hearing - I can detect a fridge door opening from miles away. After the previous shambles when I spent the whole weekend hiding under the bed, I've decided to adopt new tactics. I'm going to be brave and accept the inevitable. If I'm good, there may be a treat in it for me afterwards - a few juicy prawns I expect.

Well what shall we chat about today then? I need to take my mind off the needles! I know, I discovered this recently, when they were sorting out our vaccination cards. They left the file open, and I was ferreting about inside and I found something very interesting indeed. Do you know, I've been microchipped! It appears I have my very own satellite navigation system, or something similar. I wonder how they did it, and where it is. If only I knew how to turn it on, it could be handy. If I programmed in a stroll round my patch, it would give me directions. "Turn right outside back door, climb up fence on to shed roof, jump on to back wall, proceed along wall, turn left at apple tree, jump into neighbours flowerbed, TURN BACK, TURN BACK, path blocked by Jack Russell." Oh yes, I can see it now.

"It doesn't work like that" said Tabby. "If we get taken to a cat rescue place, they can tell where we come from." What use is that I thought, I know where I come from. The more I think about this, the more worrying it becomes. Can they trace us as we wander about? I don't want the staff knowing what I get up to each day - they would be horrified! It must be an infringement of my animal rights - whatever they are! "You mean civil liberties" said Tabby, "animal rights are all about animal testing." Animal tests - I don't like the sound of that, I might get all nervous and give the wrong answers.Well that's my lot for today. I'm going to have a restful weekend ahead of what promises to be a very stressful week. Our appointment with "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" is looming. He always wanted to be a doctor you know, but he didn't have the patience - get it - patients. Oh I give up..... What a Life! AlbertThe(stressed)Cat.

Best of Breed!

I've decided to forget about the dreaded appointment with "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year." Don't worry though, you won't miss a thing - as soon as there is any news I will report back. Something rather interesting has cropped up. I was dozing in the chair, while "the one I don't trust" was reading the paper. "Look here" he said "there's a cat show on this weekend, shall we enter our lot?" and then he fell about laughing. "I wonder if they've got a category for cutest looking cat, we could enter Ginger Tail" said "the pretty one." "Yes, and we could stick Bert in the heavyweight division" he replied wiping the tears from his eyes.

Very droll I thought. He has got a childish sense of humour. When he went out, he left the paper open, and I took a look. There was a list of breed categories - now let me see Abyssinian, some more A's that I've never heard of, Birman, Burmese, a load of funny sounding C's, Donskoy - bald as a coot, Egyptian. Wait a minute, they've missed out the F's. I think F comes after E, well it did last time I looked. There's no Feral category - a surprising omission. Now being a pure bred pedigree Feral, I was most put out. Only one thing to do I thought - go and see wise Old Black Tom - he is the fount of all knowledge.I found him in his usual place, on the back wall, having a good scratch and watching the world go by. "Breed standards my boy" he said knowingly. "A list of characteristics for each breed - the judges use them to score the entrants. A bit like a product specification" he said. "What does the one for Feral say then" I asked. "Don't think anyone has ever bothered to write one" he replied. What an oversight I thought - "perhaps you should think about writing one" said Old Black Tom in a strangely high pitched voice. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought he was stifling a chuckle. What an excellent idea.

Right, I've found a standard on the internet for a Siamese - scrawny looking thing if you ask me, looks like it could do with a good meal. Anyway, I can use it as a template. Now lets just get settled down in front of the mirror and get started:-

• GENERAL - The overall appearance of the Feral must be cat like. That should stop dogs entering! It will also rule out a few of those strange looking cats up on the dump where I came from.
• PEDIGREE - Should definitely have a mother, and the father should be narrowed down to any one from no more than five.
• COLOUR - Black and white varieties take precedence over all others, especially common or garden tabbies like my "poncy brother." Dum looking ginger tailed things should be disqualified.
• PATTERN - Coat patterns can be variable, but a handsome little black beard is highly desirable.
• COAT - Long haired varieties are preferable. Made up of hair, which should detach itself by the handful, when brought into contact with furniture and carpets.
• HEAD - An essential requirement. Preferably only one, and should be located at the forward end. A mouth is present at the very front, and this is where the food goes. The mouth also contains teeth, for nipping with, to keep staff under control.
• BODY - The body is found behind the head. Usually the length will exceed the width, but in some "well developed" specimens this may be touch and go! A good rule of thumb, is the bigger the better.
• EARS - Usually in pairs located one on each side of the head. Often one may be missing as a result of past skirmishes. Should not be marked down for this feature.
• EYES - Again, usually in pairs, situated at front of head, often, but not always level with each other. A range of colours have been observed, often in the same cat.
• LEGS - Four in total, two at the front and two at the back, located at each corner. Two different variants, specifically designed for front and rear ends. Ideally matching pairs should be observed. A paw is appended to the end of each leg. In superior specimens, six toes will be found on each paw.
• TAIL - When a feral enters the room, this is the last bit to arrive. Found at the opposite end to the head. In some lesser breeds, such as the Manx, this feature is entirely missing. Slightly shorter versions, especially if teeth marks are present at the tip should not be marked down. Colours must co-ordinate with rest of coat with long black bushy ones scoring highest.

That should do the job. Do you know, I reckon I would score rather well, clean up in fact. I wonder if I can get "the housekeeping staff" to enter me. I can see it now, cat food commercials, late night chat shows - fame and fortune beckons.

Well that's your lot for today. Do you know, there is a breed of cat called a German Rex - probably a cat that looks like a daschund! What a life! AlbertThe(thoroughbred)Cat.

On The Run - Nearly......

What a weekend I’ve had! I’ve been hiding under the bed since Friday. I only popped out for essentials like breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner, supper and snacks. Oh, also for a good dig in the garden, and a few naps by the fire. Apart from these rare occasions I’ve been under the bed all the time. You should see the state of things down here, dust, fluff, hair – enough hair in fact to build another cat. What on earth do I pay "the housekeeping staff” for? Actually I don’t pay them anything but that is not the point.

Why am I in hiding, you ask. You’ve not been paying attention over the last week or so have you? We are due to go for our booster jabs tomorrow. I have been deserted by my treacherous "poncy brother" and "my stupid sister." I am lying low until later, when I plan to make good my escape. I have devised a cunning plan. Tonight, after they have blocked the flap up to trap us in the house, I'm going to cover myself in soot from the chimney, and then under the cover of darkness, stopping only for supper, I reckon I can squeeze out of the bathroom window, scramble down the drainpipe on to the shed roof and then off and away over the garden wall.Wait a minute, I can hear giggling - wonder what that's all about? It's only Tabby and Ginger Tail, I wonder what they are up to? "What a daft idea" said Tabby, "can we watch - it should be good for a laugh!" I hate him, I really do! "You won't be laughing tomorrow when you are crated up and taken to be stabbed!" I replied. "Oh yes we will" said Ginger Tail, "we're not going tomorrow, it is not until later in the week." "What! - you told me it was tomorrow - do you mean I've spent the whole weekend under the bed for nothing?" I said furiously. "We know" sniggered Tabby, "it was just a stab in the dark, we made it up - it was our little joke!" "You backstabber" I cried. Oh how they laughed. I hate him, I really do!Apparently, the card from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year," just said call to make an appointment, and as far as we know they haven't done so yet - well that's what Tabby tells me. I don't know who to believe. What is the world coming to when you can't trust your own flesh and blood. I mean, I would never do anything as devious as that. I hope the needle's blunt when it's their turn.

Well that's my lot for today. The whole weekend under the bed for nothing - can you believe it. "I am just going outside, and I may be some time" - I think Captain Oates said that. No, it couldn't have been him, there's no one else here. Wonder what did become of him though. Apparently they took a cat with them on the expedition south. Not sure how he got on with the huskies, but I bet he enjoyed chasing the penguins. His name was Snowy, on account of him being all white. He is in lots of the photographs, but is very difficult to spot! He was the first pole cat! "What do you mean it's a rotten joke" - it's the best I can manage, I'm not in a very jovial mood. What a life! AlbertThe(absconding)Cat.

The Great Escape!

There has been some terrible business here today. You'll never guess what has happened. Our confidence yesterday that "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" had forgotten about us was totally misplaced. The appointment card arrived in the post this morning. Before I could do anything, "the one I don't trust" picked it up and said "they've got to go to the vet for their boosters next week - that'll cost me an arm and a leg!" How mean can he be? Surely it is a small price to pay for having me live with him! Anyway, if I have my way, I'll save him a few bob by doing a runner.

Now, should I let "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" in on it, or should I just leave them in complete ignorance. Probably the latter, after all, I don't want them spooking the staff. If they block the flap up too soon, it will foil my escape. "Have you heard" said Tabby as he walked past, "we are booked in for our jabs next week." I was aghast! "How do you know that?" I said. "Oh they were talking about it earlier - apparently it is on Tuesday, and they plan to shut us in on Monday night." said Tabby - "Ginger Tail knows as well, we weren't going to tell you." What a treacherous, deceitful brother I have - I hate him I really do.Anyway, this is no time for fighting amongst ourselves. That can wait until afterwards. In our hour of need, we must stand together for the common good. I immediately summoned a meeting of the escape committee on the back step. "Any bright ideas?" I said. "Yes" said Ginger Tail, "why don't we just go and get it over with - they always catch us in the end". "I think she's right" said Tabby. Well, I couldn't believe my ears at such defeatist talk. Clearly I needed to rally the troops.

"We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in the kitchen, we shall fight on the bed, we shall fight in the lounge, with growing confidence and hissing and spitting, we shall defend ourselves, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the settee, we shall fight on the landing and on the stairs; we shall never surrender."

Stirring stuff eh? "No, I think we should give up" said Tabby. "You can always hide up the chimney like you did last year" sniggered Ginger Tail. There was no need to bring that up! "What happened" I hear you cry. It was most unfortunate, I'm sure it had been made narrower, anyway I became wedged in. "The one I don't trust" wanted to leave me there until I had lost a few pounds - eventually he had to stick his hand up and drag me out by the scruff of the neck - I was covered in soot! Oh how he laughed! Black cats weren't lucky for him though - I took a lump out of his thumb.So, it looks like I am on my own. I think I'll clear off now, or shall I wait until after supper. I think I'll wait until after the weekend - after all, it is very cold outside. Maybe I'll dig a tunnel.

Well that's my lot for today. Did I tell you what happened last time we went to see "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year?" Well, "the one I don't trust" asked if there was anything he could do to stop us purring. "Why do you want to do that" said the vet. "Because relatives are visiting, and I don't want them to think we are pleased to see them!" What a nasty piece of work he is! What a life! AlbertThe(Houdini)Cat.

That Newton Chap Has a Lot to Answer For..........

Well, here we are then. Monday again. Don't they come round quickly - the last one only seems about a week ago. I hope you all had a nice weekend. I had a very restful time, hardly got out of bed. We were all up bright and early this morning though to keep watch for the postman. Still no sign of the reminder card from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year," so we can relax for another day.

I'm keeping a low profile at the moment. I was walking around on the kitchen tops early this morning before "the housekeeping staff" surfaced - all part of my daily inspection of the premises you understand. I feel it is my duty to make sure everything is in order - and also of course to see if they have left anything worth eating lying around. Quite often there are rich pickings to be had, especially if they have been too lazy to clear up last night's meal before bed. Anyway, while I was there, I was having a quick drink from the sink and lost my balance. As I stumbled, my tail caught a vase of flowers which crashed on to the floor. You can imagine the commotion. I was off and out the flap like a robbers dog, if you will pardon the expression."The one I don't trust" came blundering down the stairs - "Ow" he said as he stubbed his toe in the dark. He then proceeded to use some very strange words - he must be learning French! Oh how I laughed - from a safe distance of course. "My poncy brother" was slow out of the blocks and was spotted exiting the flap - now hopefully they will put two and two together and come up with five, and he will be in the frame. No prawns for him today I bet, unless he ingratiates himself with "the pretty one."Just to be on the safe side, I am hiding under the bed - it was too cold outside. Why did the vase fall off? I blame that Isaac Newton fellow for inventing gravity. Before him, I expect the vase would have floated gently down to the ground. He has got a lot to answer for - I hope that apple landing on his bonce gave him a rotten headache. Now if cats had invented gravity, it would stop about two feet above the ground. Also, without gravity, us cats would be able to fly - we could have caught all the birds by now. I have attempted flying. I can do it downwards, but upwards is much more difficult - the best I have managed is about a second before being brought back down to earth with a nasty bump!

Now before I go, I have just noticed something strange about my blog - "there's an awful lot of strange things about his blog if you ask me!" What? How rude, who said that? No, seriously I have noticed text and pictures up the right hand side that have got nothing to do with me - advertisements! How did they get there? Looks like they were written by a bloke called Adsby Google - what a funny name. He must have hacked into my site. I've had a quick look at a few of them - do you know they keep changing. There's all sorts of rubbish encouraging the "housekeeping staff" to buy shoddy products for us cats. I'd steer well clear if I was you.

Well, that's my lot for today. Adsby must think that you folks who look at this stuff I churn out are a rum lot! There was an advert earlier for people with a "drink problem" - whatever that is. Drinking is easy, apart from nearly falling into the sink this morning that is. What a life! AlbertThe(gravity defying)Cat.

The Cat's Out The Bag!

Have you all missed me? No! Not any of you! I don't know why I bother. "The one I don't trust" went away yesterday, and do you know what, he only took my computer with him. What a cheek. Anyway, I'm back.

We had a bit of "a do" over the weekend. "My poncy brother" developed a pronounced limp(L-I-M-P, pronounced limp) which gradually got worse. Oh, you should have seen the fuss he made. He will do anything for a bit of sympathy. "The pretty one" was all over him - you'd think he was at deaths door. She even gave him extra prawns - sometimes even I am astonished at just how gullible she can be. I had a good look at him, and all I could see was a small cut on his rear offside leg - a minor scratch. No comparison with my old war wound that I never talk about. "Oh no, he's not going to start rambling on about that again is he?" Who said that? Have I told you about it before then? Surely not - I don't like to mention it.Apparently Tabby had been doing a bit of ratting, and one of the smaller ones nipped him - oh how I laughed. Yesterday, there was talk of taking him to see "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year." This raised my hopes, that perhaps it wasn't quite so trivial after all. "The one I don't trust" was against the idea - all he was worried about was being relieved of more of his cash. "Give it a few days," he grumbled "he has to go and have his booster soon, we can kill two birds with one stone". What a mean man. Unfortunately my hopes have been dashed, as this morning Tabby seems to be on the mend. However, he does still have to go and have his jabs, so there is still something amusing to look forward to.This brings us on to the very serious business of the day. "Don't know what you're laughing at" said Ginger Tail as she walked past. "All our jabs are due at the same time - if his is due, then so are ours!" She's right you know, she's not so stupid after all. The awful truth dawned - it only seems a year since we last went. As the words were leaving her lips, the post came through the door, and there lying on the mat was a threatening letter from said bloke who sticks needles in us, telling "the housekeeping staff" that under pain of dire retribution and in exchange for an inordinate sum of money we are required to attend his seedy establishment for our booster vaccination and annual health check later this month! The cat was out of the bag, so to speak. How can a failed medic run such a scam - in any other walk of life it would be considered extortion and he would be banged to rights!

Annual health check - I don't like the sound of that - they are bound to weigh me. I did notice, that my due date is three days after the other two. I managed to escape last year before they crated me up - one of life's little triumphs. They got me next time though - despite my iron willpower, I succumbed to their dirty underhand trickery - they put a handful of prawns in the cat carrier. I have shredded the card so at least I've delayed the dreaded moment. They are bound to send another one.Well, that's your lot for today. I have important matters to attend to. I have to devise a rota for the three of us to keep guard on the letterbox. Before that, I think I will limp over to see "the pretty one" - should be worth a prawn or two. What a life! AlbertThe(needle phobic)Cat.

Warning - Cats Can Seriously Improve Your Health!

Hello – I’m back again. Sorry about the last few days – I was going to tell you a little story yesterday, but by the time I woke up from my afternoon nap, I had a big decision to make. Should I turn over and go back to sleep, or should I write my blog. Anyway, I had a really good kip. Now, what was I going to write about??? Oh yes, I remember. Did you know that a family pet can improve the quality of life for the people they live with? Not only that, but medical science has shown that these folks also lead longer and healthier lives. I heard all this while I was dozing in front of the telly the other evening.

It was an interesting programme, only interrupted by cynical comments from “the one I don’t trust”. Hair on the furniture, fleas, furballs, eats us out of house and home, were just a few of the more repeatable remarks he made. Clearly he doesn’t appreciate the benefits of having me around the place. The gist of the story is that having animal companions - cats and dogs in particular results in both emotional and physical well-being. Now, I’m sure the mention of dogs, is political correctness gone mad. I mean to say we all know what a damn nuisance those things are, especially that nasty little Jack Russell that lives next door – always yapping away.So, we will ignore dogs, and assume they were really talking about cats. Here are just a few of the apparent benefits of having someone like me living with you.

• Lower blood cholesterol levels – makes perfect sense. They came up with some clever medical explanation, but the real reason is obvious. Shellfish, and prawns in particular are a rich source of cholesterol. In this house I shift all the prawns that are put in front of me, so there are very few left for anyone else. I could do even more to help if only they would let me.
• Lower blood pressure – the last time they tried to put me in a cat carrier to go to see “the bloke who sticks needles in me once a year,” I got rather annoyed, and managed to claw and bite “the one I don’t trust”. His arm was leaking all over the place, so it stands to reason that if he has less blood inside him, then the pressure will drop – pretty basic stuff really.
• Quicker recovery from illness - clearly, if they have me to look after, they can't loaf around in bed all day feeling sorry for themselves can they? Imagine if they were unable to supply me with prawns - I would leave wouldn't I, and they wouldn't want that!
• Higher survival rate after serious illness - a study has shown that heart attack patients are more likely to be alive a year after they discharge from hospital. It would be very poor form if they keeled over and left us unattended. We give them the will to live.
• Fewer doctor visits - apart from the occasional tetanus shot after one of our little altercations, I don't see any need for "the one I don't trust" to go at all.
• Reduced loneliness - I have my staff go out to the shops on a frequent basis to stock up on essential supplies - prawns, etc. The perfect opportunity to meet people. I am always thinking of them aren't I?
• Pet therapy programmes - in nursing homes cats are credited with enabling elderly patients to reach out beyond their own pain and isolation and start caring about the world around them again. Stops them being selfish and moping around thinking of nobody but themselves.
• Less depression - fancy that, us cats are anti-depressants - Prozac on legs!
  
• Aids childhood development - not sure about this one. I hate kids. When our "nosy neighbours" last popped round with their evil brood, one of them was crawling all over the place, and started eating my cat biscuits. Everyone was most put out when I hissed and spat at him. Well, I had to put my paw down. Apparently he started bed-wetting again as a result of the shock. Most unusual in a sixteen year old - just my little joke, he's twelve actually!
  

Well that's your lot for today. I leave you to ponder upon the above - no home is complete without a cat. Now, if any of you out there are feeling a bit poorly and are deficient in the cat department, then I have a couple of spares that I can let you have - "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" are both available for immediate shipping at a very reasonable price. What am I bid for the pair? What a life! AlbertThe(health-giving)Cat.

What Did Astrology Ever Do For Us?

Good day to you all. I trust I find you well. I bet you've checked your stars this morning after yesterday's thought provoking piece. I'm just going to have a look at mine - here we are, Gemini, now what does it say:-

Time is a great healer and can bring about incredible transformations. Great healer? There is nothing wrong with me - who said "you could have fooled me." I think it was that "poncy brother" of mine. Transformations - well we all get older, I mean that's not exactly mind blowing stuff is it? Sometimes, though, you struggle with time, because you lead such a hectic life. Well I do don't I? Only this morning, I went for a little stroll after breakfast, and when I got back, there was hardly time to fit in a nap before my mid-morning snack. It's all go. You must make allowances for others, as they cannot all manage more than one thing at a time as well as you can. Very true - do you know while I am writing this, I am chewing on a prawn as well. Whoops, I've just dropped it. It's gone under the table. Ow, I've banged my head trying to pick it up. Very soon, your dreams will come true, but in months not weeks. I was hoping it would be sooner - so I've got to put up with my "poncy brother" and "stupid sister" for a while longer.This Zodiac stuff isn't all it's cracked up to be. Anyway, on to more important matters. I was looking over the fence this morning hoping to annoy the nasty little Jack Russell that lives over there. Sure enough, out he came yapping away, bouncing all over the place, closely followed by his owner who dragged him back in. Strange how dogs have owners isn't it? I mean I have staff to look after me, but an owner - no I don't think anyone has ever owned a cat. I mean my stay at this place is only temporary. If a better offer comes along, I'm off. I told Ginger Tail of my plans, and she said I was a very ungrateful cat.

"Ungrateful!" I said. "What have the housekeeping staff ever done for us?"

"They took us in when we were born under a bush up at the dump" she said.

"Apart from that?" I replied.

"They let us live in their house" she said.

"I thought it was our house, but anyway, apart from that" I replied.

"They feed us when we are hungry" she said.

"Not enough prawns though are there, but anyway, apart from that" I replied.

"They give us somewhere nice and warm to sleep" she said.

"Of course they do, but apart from that?" I replied.

"They look after us if we are not well" she said.

"Yes, yes, yes, I know, but apart from that?" I replied.

"They make sure no harm comes to us" she said.

"Yes, but apart from that what have they ever done or us?" I said triumphantly.

Just as I thought, she had no answer. Having lost the argument, she walked away shaking her head. I think she realises how futile it is to get involved in philosophical debate with a cat of my intellect. Now where's that prawn I dropped earlier. Ow, I've banged my head again.Well, that's my lot for today. I think I'll hang around a little longer and see if things improve. I told you that the woman over the back wall had taken a shine to me. She got a bit uppity when I had a little dig under her roses mind you, but we can probably patch things up. Always good to have a contingency plan. What a life! AlbertThe(sore-headed)Cat.

Watch Out - There's a Hacker About...

Hello - you are in for a pleasant surprise today. You were expecting another load of drivel from Bert, that awful brother of mine weren't you. Well you are wrong, guess who this is - it's me, Tabby, his good looking brother. I've managed to hack into his account on the computer. It wasn't difficult, his password "prawns4me" was on a post-it note stuck to the screen. Now I have to be quick, before Bert gets back - he's out in the garden at the moment chasing snow flakes. He really is a very stupid cat. I hope you haven't been taken in by a lot of the rubbish he writes - he lives in a world of his own, he's off with the fairies most of the time.

Bearing in mind how thick he is, it is amazing that he has learnt to use a computer. Do you know the other day, he was grumbling to himself about the screen going black. Took him ages to work out the thing was not switched on. When he overcame this mighty technical challenge he thought there was something wrong with his screensaver - it disappeared every time he moved the mouse! Another time, I was walking past, and he had an error message up - it said "press any key to continue". Half an hour later, I walked past again and he was still sitting there with that gormless look on his face, "What's up" I said. "I've looked everywhere, but I still cant find the ANY key" he replied. When he first started doing his blog, it was not unusual to find typists correction fluid on the screen would you believe!

There's an awful lot I can tell you about him. Hardly know where to start. Oh no, I can hear him coming. It will have to wait for another day. He will be livid when he finds out what I have been up to - time to make myself scarce - I'm off to see "the pretty one", she'll look after me - I might even get a prawn if I suck up to her, afterall she is a little gullible, not that I would take advantage you understand. Bye for now. TabbyThe(good looking)Cat.
What's been going on here then. That "poncy brother" of mine has just run off. He's been up to no good I bet. What a damn cheek, he has been writing on my blog. How did he get into my account, what with all the security measures I have installed? I mean to say, after the previous unfortunate incident when "my stupid sister" managed to log in, I changed the password and put it in a safe place - on a post-it note stuck to the screen. Who would think of looking there - not me, that's for sure, I keep wondering where it is.Well that'll have to be my lot for today - I can't hang around here like I usually do waffling to you lot. I've got important things to do. I have to beef up my security. "Are you going to install new software?" I hear you ask. Not exactly, I have something far more effective in mind - I'm off to see Mad Harry and Slasher Sid. For a small consideration, I'm sure they will be more than happy to show Tabby what re-booting is all about, if you get my drift! What a life! AlbertThe(seriously compromised)Cat.

The Big Grey Thing Outside the Back Door......

I hope you are all surviving the snow and cold weather – not really sure what I make of it. Spent a considerable amount of time yesterday chasing snow flakes, but every time I caught one it disappeared – where do they go? We had a good few inches of the stuff in the garden – it changed from “the big green thing outside the back door” into “the big white thing outside the back door.” But then this morning, it has changed again to the "big grey thing outside the back door." It is all wet and slushy, most unpleasant. The good news is that we didn't run out of essential supplies like prawns and cat biscuits.I think I've just about had enough of the snow – it is interesting to start with, but the novelty soon wears off. A bit like relatives I suppose – nice when they arrive, but after a couple of days you can’t wait to get shot of them.

I trust you all enjoyed the "agony column" from last week. I have had a mixed response. Some of you thought I was a little harsh. Well, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and as you know I am never afraid to give advice that no one wants to hear. I bet when you saw the title of today's little offering, you thought that George from Manchester had paid me a visit - Ho Ho Ho. A little joke just for my regular readers!This is a miserable time of year - not just the weather, but "the housekeeping staff" appear to have gone down with some terrible disease - swine flu I expect. "The one I don't trust" is in a bad way. Sniffing and groaning all the time, and as for coughing, he is making more noise that the nasty yappy little Jack Russell that lives next door. It really is most distressing - it kept me awake all last night. If he had any consideration, he would have gone outside and slept in the shed - he can be very selfish at times.

I have noticed though that he is working on a remedy - liberal doses of brandy. It doesn't appear to be working, but he isn't giving up just yet. "The pretty one" doesn't share his enthusiasm for alternative medicine, in fact she seems quite opposed to his methods. That's the trouble with some people, they are very stuck in their ways and not prepared to be open minded and try new approaches - homeopathy, acupuncture, alcohol, etc. Anyway, let's hope they get better soon, I'm fed up with them moping around the house. If they're too sick to go to the shops we might run out of prawns. Now that really would be serious.Oh well, that's my lot for today. I leave you to ponder on this - why do they call it swine flu? Do pigs get it? I expect they do - hence the expression "sick as a pig." Perhaps they come out in rashers! Probably not a problem, I mean most of them will be cured anyway! What do you mean, "you've heard them before." Surely not! What a Life! AlbertThe(alternative)Cat.

Don't Count Your Cats.....

Hello again. Weather is looking a bit grim. It is very cold today. "My poncy brother" tried to take a drink out of the old watering can in the garden, and his tongue stuck to it - most unfortunate. Oh how I laughed. I was not slow to take advantage, popped round behind him and nipped his tail - I hate him!
Well, today I thought I would tell you about something I heard recently. "The one I don't trust" was talking to "the pretty one" and he said, "do you know cats can't count." What on earth is he on about I thought, where does he get such rubbish? Me, Tabby and Ginger Tail, looked at him in astonishment - yes, all four of us, Ho.. Ho.. Ho... just my little joke. Apparently he had read it in a book. I can count a lot better than he can, after all he has only got five digits on each hand, whereas I have six on each paw, a mark of my good breeding you understand. My father, elder brother and cousin also had six toes - what do you mean they were probably one and the same cat! How rude - my mother, my auntie and my grandma would be most deeply offended - both of them! Who says we can't count.

Being naturally inquisitive, I felt it beholden upon me to find out for you just how they came up with this daft idea, so I did a bit of research. Now, pay attention, you might learn something. When mummy cat has kittens, she hides them under a bush or somewhere similar, to keep them safe from dogs and other such undesirables. After a few days, she moves them to keep the dogs guessing, I expect. One at a time, she grabs hold of them by the scruff of the neck and carries them to their new abode. In our litter, there was me, Tabby, Ginger Tail, Spotty and Little Torty - yes that's right, seven of us. Naturally I was moved first, being the most important, although Tabby reckons it was because being the heaviest, mum wanted to get the hard work out of the way first! Damn cheek! Anyway after she has been back for the last one, she returns once more. Based on this fleeting observation, they have concluded that mum can't count and just keeps going back until there are no kittens left. What they don't realise is that the only reason mum goes back is to see if anyone has left any food out for her.The quality of the research is pitiful. It brings into question all the other clever things they claim to have discovered. Personally, I have always had doubts about the world being round, I mean we'd all roll off wouldn't we, and how on earth they got to the moon is any one's guess, perhaps they didn't! What about this global warming lark - could have done with a bit of that earlier when Tabby's tongue got stuck to the watering can. They should leave the clever stuff to the cats, and just concentrate on what they do best - looking after us.

Well that's your lot for today. An appropriate note upon which to finish is a little story my Great Uncle Porky used to tell me when I was a kitten. Not many people know this, but when they first started sending rockets into space, they put dogs inside to see what would happen to them - I ask you, a dog! Anyway, eventually they sent a man into space, and he was accompanied by a cat. When they got into orbit, there were two envelopes labelled "instructions". The first one was for the cat and it read - "plot course, check systems, monitor fuel load, undertake experiments, carry out space walk, fire engines to return to earth, adjust boosters for re-entry, deploy parachutes, etc....." The second one was for the human, and it read "feed the cat!". What a Life! AlbertThe(numerate)Cat.

Arise Sir Bert..............

..........."Albert, it is very good of you to make time to come and see me today. I have rescheduled this investiture to fit in with your busy schedule. I realise that if you had come any earlier you would have missed your breakfast prawns. My husband and I would not want to impose on such an important event," said The Queen.

"I am most deeply obliged Your Majesty," I replied.

"Now, we must get down to business" said The Queen. "I have a load of riff-raff lined up outside waiting for their gongs. If you would be so kind as to kneel on the cushion, we can begin".

"For outstanding services in the field of feline literature and for keeping the palace mouse population under control, Albert is duly appointed to the order of Knight of the Bath - he could certainly do with one, just my little joke" said The Queen. "Arise Sir Albert The Cat"

"Be careful with that sword, you could have my ear off" I said.

"Now that the formalities are out of the way, can we have a quiet word Bert - you don't mind if I call you Bert do you?" The Queen said.

"Not at all Ma'am" I replied.

"I am getting fed up with these pesky corgis running around all over the palace and yapping away. I am thinking of getting rid of them and replacing them with a whole load of cats. What do you think Bert?"

"Well Your Majesty, in my humble opinion it is an excellent idea," I said.

"I'm glad you agree," said The Queen. "I will get on to it first thing in the morning, and I would like to offer you, Sir Bert, the position of First Royal Cat - what have you got to say to that?"

"I am deeply honoured Your Majesty" I replied.

"You will of course have permanent residence in Buckingham Palace, and have your very own staff from the Royal Household. All of your living expenses will be covered, and there will be unlimited prawns. One further thing, I tell you this in strictest confidence you understand, I am very disappointed with my offspring - a bunch of wasters - I am thinking of disinheriting them. I would like to make you heir to the throne - King Albert The First, what do you think of that?" said The Queen.

"Before I accept, there are a couple of things. Firstly, "my poncy brother", and "stupid sister" can I put them in The Tower?" I asked.

"Good idea" said The Queen, "I do it all the time to people who get on my nerves. Lord Lucan is still in there, sharing a cell with Shergar - do you know I had a win-double riding on that horse and he came in third!".

"Excellent" I said. "What about my current housekeeping staff - they are fairly inept, but I have grown strangely fond of them. They would be lost without me. Perhaps you could find a menial position for "the pretty one" in the kitchen, and as for "the one I don't trust", well it is hard to know what to suggest - perhaps something with a shovel in the Royal Stables?"

"No problem at all," said The Queen, "I will get Philip on the job tomorrow."

"In that case I accept" I said.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.................. "arise Sir Bert,....... arise Sir Bert,........ wake up Sir Bert,....... wake up you stupid cat,.......... wake up you idiot"................. said Tabby, "King Albert indeed - you have been dreaming again".
Surely not - it was all a dream. I'm here laying in my bed with that "poncy brother" of mine pushing his way in. Oh what a disappointment. I didn't even get a mention in The New Years Honours List can you believe. Must be one of you lot not being able to keep the little secret I let you in on yesterday. I won't trust you again!

Well that's my lot. I always thought I had royal blood in my veins - not sure how it got there. All that remains, is to wish all of you a very happy and prosperous new year. What a Life! AlbertThe(not so very regal)Cat.