Thursday, 18 March 2010

An Idiot's Work is Never Done...

Hello again. You've probably missed me for the last couple of days, I've been keeping my head down. "Have you? we didn't notice." Who said that? How rude! Things are on a knife edge round here – the fragile truce is holding, but only just. We got off to a shaky start this morning. When the one I don’t trust surfaced, he was greeted by a rather impressive hairball that I had earlier left at the bottom of the stairs. He was less than impressed and started using all sorts of unpleasant language, mostly aimed in my direction. He had no proof at all it was me. It could quite easily have been my stupid sister or my poncy brother. It is outrageous that he should blame me. I was going to unilaterally call off our truce – this is how wars start, I thought. You can’t go around making false allegations without expecting the other side to retaliate. “Hang on a minute Bert, I thought it was you that dumped the hairball!!” Which clever reader said that? If you want to split hairs, so to speak, then I suppose you have a point, however it is the principle we are dealing with here.Anyway, he's in a foul mood. The pretty one comes home tomorrow after two weeks away. He has been cleaning the place up and my word it certainly needs it. The damn vacuum cleaner has been out - I hate that thing! He was getting stuck into it when she called him on the phone. I overheard the conversation - well his end of it. It mainly consisted of him repeating the words "yes dear" over and over again in a monosyllabic voice. That's a long word for a cat isn't it - I'll have to try and use it more often! I digress, he then said in an exasperated voice, "but I'm doing it now, I had to stop to answer the phone." I can only assume, she was issuing him with his instructions. He then called upon higher powers for assistance - well I think he did "God help us" he cried, although I did notice he had his hand over the mouthpiece as he said it! "I must go, there's someone at the door" he said as he quietly opened the front door and pushed the bell. What a nasty piece of work he is.

Well, as you can imagine, it is going to be a long job - there is furious activity, absolutely everything is being attacked with the vacuum cleaner - he even used it to clean the bath and the cooker. The noise is unbearable, banging and crashing about he is, and the language was truly awful - I must stop using it. This is no place for a sensitive cat like me, so I cleared off. When I came back for lunch a few hours later, it had quietened down. I must give him his due, you can't recognise the place. I noticed the difference immediately as I strolled through the kitchen - my paws didn't stick to the floor. He was finishing off in the lounge - he sprayed polish into the air, "smells like I have polished the furniture" he chuckled to himself, "she'll never know." See, what did I tell you - a nasty piece of work!

He was admiring his handiwork when I appeared "don't you or the other two reprobates dare mess this up before she gets back!!" he said in a threatening manner. To be honest with you I was not at all enamoured with his attitude. I immediately had a good scratch and pulled out a tuft of hair. He was apoplectic - that's another good word for a cat isn't it. I think he got my drift, because after he had cleaned up the hair, he calmed down a bit. "I suppose you want your lunch now" he said. What a stupid question, why else does he think I am here.Well, that's my lot for today. We now await the triumphant return of the pretty one tomorrow. He has to go and collect her from the airport. The big question is, do I mess the place up while he fetches her? The upside is that he will get his comeuppance, but the downside is that it might put her in a bad mood, and she could well decide not to shower me with treats to express her delight at seeing me again. I wandered off to ponder the dilemma, and saw Tabby sitting on the fence. "He's done his chores" I said. "What chores?" said Tabby. "How kind" I replied, "I'll have half a dozen prawns." Oh how I laughed. Tomorrow looks like being a little hectic, so I may not be here. Do not fear though, I will return as normal next week. What a life! AlbertThe(erudite)Cat.


  1. Great pictures of you and Tabby, Bert!...So glad the pretty one will be back tomorrow so you'll get extra cuddles and extra prawns!!...xo...Calle, Halle, Sukki

  2. Hi, Bert! I'm glad that finally the pretty one will be back tomorrow. You know? I thing you should continue your truce and don't mess up the place. The one you don't trust will accuse you inmediately and the pretty one will get angry. Your prawn's share will be in danger. Be cool, buddy, just wait one more day.

  3. Oh, I'm so happy the "pretty one" comes home tomorrow. I suppose we have to give "the one you don't trust" some credit for trying anyway. At least he cleaned the place up.

  4. Sir Pinky the Cat19 March 2010 at 01:19

    He didn't really dust, did he? I vote that you have the biggest dust bunny you can find waiting when the pretty one gets back. That way you won't get in trouble for messing stuff up, and he will for not cleaning properly.

  5. Have a good weekend Bert, hope you'll get lots of loving and treats from the Pretty One.
    Jake the red tabby

  6. Hey there Bert! Wow - Dad's doing the same thing here! "She" has been gone now since Wednesday, and tonight he's dangerous underfoot! I'm up here with the computer because it's about the only safe place currently. Decided the computer chair could be dangerous when he finally collapses after trying to accomplish all this before tomorrow. The chair is pretty comfy and you never know when a nap may call my name....anyway, I got off track there for a moment, sorry. So like the pretty one has been gone for how long?!? This is serious! Yes, I'm with Sir Pinky, find the killer dust bunny. And oh yeah, how about a big ole furrball to match?!?! I'll do it, if you'll do it and then we can compare notes! What fun!!!