Tuesday, 23 March 2010

A Short Guide to Bertspeak!

It has come to my attention, that some of you lot out there keep asking the same two questions - "What on earth is he going on about?" or "who on earth is he going on about?" I can only assume, that some of the more erudite terminology I use goes above your heads - quite understandable, after all not all cats are articulated like what I am. What I thought I would do is provide you with a glossary of terminology and a cast list to enhance your enjoyment of these little offerings. So, without further ado, let's make a start.

My stupid sister - a strange looking cat with a daft expression. Predominantly white, with a silly ginger tail. Goes by the name of Ginger Tail - how original is that? Gets on your nerves.

My poncy brother - a scruffy, common or garden tabby. Goes by the name of Tabby - you can see they put a lot of thought into this can't you!! A thoroughly deceitful and self serving cat whose sole objective in life is to ingratiate himself with the pretty one in the hope of acquiring extra prawns. I hate him, I really do.Housekeeping staff - the two people who I grace with my presence and allow to take care of my day to day needs. A temporary arrangement until I find something more suitable. Primary responsibility is to provide a plentiful supply of prawns.

The one I don't trust - the more devious of the two staff. Totally untrustworthy. I'm sure he doesn't like me, but then the feeling is mutual. Left unsupervised, he would probably leave us to starve. Takes orders from the pretty one.

The pretty one - chief of staff. The more photogenic of the two. See, I told you I was articulate - that's not a bad word for a cat is it? She adores us, particularly me, I expect. Very gullible, especially in the presence of Tabby who will stop at nothing to suck up to her to get extra prawns. Has he no shame? Oooh I hate him I really do.

Jack Russell
- a pathetic little dog that lives next door, and is always yapping away. Thick as a plank. Tormenting the thing can lead to hours of amusement.

Quasimodo - deranged cat with a collar and bell round it's neck. The constant tinkling of the bell has sent him quite mad and deaf as a post. Believes he is being chased by fire engines, police cars and ice cream salesmen.

Mad Harry and Slasher Sid - two disreputable characters who prowl the local neighbourhood. They live in a little place called No-fixed-abode - no idea where that is. Tend to dine out regularly in only the best dustbins. You are well advised to keep on their good side if you get my drift! They know how to return a favour!Old Black Tom - local sage. He is the fount of all knowledge, and knows everything - it's true, he told me so himself. Over 100 years old - he told me that as well.

Great Uncle Porky - a big influence on me when I was a kitten. I learnt a lot from him. He told me all sorts of things, many of which were true.

The bloke who sticks needles in us once a year - a wretched, sadistic, sweaty little man. Every year without fail we are crated up and taken to his seedy premises, where in exchange for inordinate sums of cash he sticks needles in us. Tells wicked lies to anyone that will listen - said that I was overweight! Sends the one I don't trust into near apoplexy when the bill arrives.

The big green thing outside the back door - the garden. Filled with all sorts of things purely for my amusement - bulbs for me to dig up, flowers for me to swat, seed beds to dig in, and birds to chase. An adventure playground. Maintained by the one I don't trust whose favourite game is hunt the bulb - a bit like hide and seek, he hides them, I dig them up.

The big white thing in the kitchen - this is where the prawns live. Stuffed full of the things. I can think of no other use for it. Haven't yet managed to open the door - one of the reasons why I retain the housekeeping staff.

Prawns - staple diet of cats. Called shrimps on the other side of the pond - no idea why. Only leads to confusion.

Camp Colditz - an austere establishment where we are sent infrequently when the housekeeping staff go away. The evil camp commandant oversees a strict regime of twice daily slopping out and starvation rations. There is no time off for good behaviour. The escape committee meets after lights out, so far to no good effect, but I have it on good authority that the tunnel is nearing completion.

Well, that's your lot for today. I'm sure you all feel truly enlightened. I think I missed my vocation - I should have been a teacher. Do you know, I've started writing an educational book - I've already got the page numbers done. What a life! AlbertThe(tutorial)Cat.


  1. Thanks for the info Albert! We had guessed pretty well on what/who most of those things were but it was nice to be updated on those we were not sure of!

  2. Thanks for clarifying things for us. I member having to ask you bout prawns a couple of months ago cuz I don't get any of those. Staff round here really needs to get with the program!

  3. Albert: Thanks so much. Fantastic blog! I am so glad to know all the background. You are truly a gifted writer and now it is all clear to me....



  4. Bert, you are an erudite with a quite large vocabulary. Mom loves to read your blog everyday, and so do I. I'm happy to tell you that I already knew all the terminology you just presented. That's how important you are, my friend. Ola kala!

  5. Bert, you are a silly boy; thanks for the slang education...We have to tell you we think your siblings are awesome just like you; you're a great looking family!... xo...Calle, Halle, Sukki

  6. Bert, if you really want to hide those bulbs, I have some rabbit siblings who are interested in assisting by purchasing them. What has the one you don't trust planted? They'll take any seeds he has too. If you think your siblings are bad, just be glad their not rabbits. Those creatures are totally garden obsessed. It might be fun to see the one you don't trust confused, and wondering what happened to his seeds and bulbs, though. He might even think he's loosing his mind and didn't plant them.

  7. Thanks for the Bertspeak lesson Albert. As one kitty from across the pond this helps a lot.