Friday, 30 October 2009

My stupid sister

Late again with the blog - have had a very strenuous day annoying the neighbours dog, a spiteful little thing, a Jack Russell I believe. It makes an awful yapping noise. I get great pleasure from sitting on top of the shed and hissing at it. This makes the foolish thing bounce up and down and work itself up into a real lather - Oh how I laugh! It is as thick as a plank - I saw it's owner throwing a stick for it the other day and the dog only went and chased it - a stick, it actually chased a stick! Can you imagine a cat doing that? - no neither can I. Apparently it also chases cars - one wonders what it would actually do if it ever managed to catch one?Enough of this. As regular readers will know, I posted a picture of my stupid sister yesterday, well the back of her head anyway. Amazingly enough one of my twitter followers tweeted me and asked to see a picture of her face - I have no idea why. So, here are a few pictures of her.Her name is Ginger Tail - not very original is it? She is completely gaga and a real pain in the neck! I try and chase her off, but she is too quick for me. She was the runt of the litter and why the housekeeping staff decided to keep her, is a mystery to me. I even think that "the one I don't trust" likes her best. Apparently when we were born under the bush, the first thing the housekeeping staff saw was a little ginger tail and this is how she got her name. Next time I will tell you how I got my name, and my stupid brother got his. I will also let you into a secret (in strictest confidence of course) that my stupid brother finds most embarrassing!!Well that's all for now - I trust you all have a good weekend. Remember now don't overdo it. Take plenty of rest and eat plenty of prawns. What a life! Albert the Cat.

Thursday, 29 October 2009

The old man

Well readers, another day, and I am pleased to say that after the disasters of yesterday things are looking up. My breakfast prawns were dished up on time. Gave "the one I don't trust" a quick nip on the finger as he was feeding me. I find this to be a very effective way of keeping the staff on their toes. Things are getting a bit slack around here.

Today I will tell you a bit about my dad. As you know I come from a long and distinguished line of pure bred pedigree ferrel cats. My family tree goes right back to when the council first established the refuse dump. The old boy was undisputed king of the dump. He had no time for humans, apart from when food was on offer of course. I learnt a lot from him. There is a scurrilous rumour going around that a big-headed mangy old tabby may also have claims to be my father. I wish to put a stop to these slanderous allegations immediately. They cannot possibly be true as my mother, a most virtuous cat, assures me that this is not the case, although she does tend to be a bit vague on the subject. Strangely my stupid sister has the same colouring as my dad, and my poncy brother has the same markings as that mangy old tabby, whereas I am the same colour as my uncle!This is a picture of the old man in a typical pose - he tended not to rush around too much, and lived life at a very leisurely pace.

Well that's my lot for today. The housekeeping staff cleaned the place up earlier, so I have given them a couple of hours off this evening. Just enough time for me to have a good scratch and replenish the hairs on the furniture. What a life! Albert the Cat.

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

My poncy brother and stupid sister

Things are going from bad to worse around here. Both of the housekeeping staff were up and out early this morning, before I had even gone to bed (it was a very busy night, but more about that later). The "one that I don't trust" failed in his duties, so there were no breakfast prawns for me. A very serious case of neglect - I may contact the Cat's Protection League. To make things worse, when "the pretty one" came back, that poncy brother of mine was all over her like a rash. I've never seen fawning like it - rubbing round her legs, making pitiful squeaks, purring, licking, etc. - a truly nauseating performance. Then guess what, she only goes and gives him a handful of prawns. She falls for it every time. When I arrived on the scene they had all gone. To calm my fury, I immediately rushed to the newly painted shed and scratched it for all I was worth. Just so you can see what I am up against, here is a picture of my poncy brother in one of his more sickening poses.
Eventually "the one I don't trust" returned. He is on very thin ice! To try and get back in my good books, he did at least give me some prawns - better late than never, but my poncy brother and stupid sister both got in on the act. As you can imagine, my poncy brother is full of himself - keeps telling anyone that will listen that he has had double prawns today - I can't stand him.

As I was saying earlier, it was a very busy night. Between the three of us, we managed to catch a small rat. Not much of a challenge for a cat of my hunting skills, but a bit of sport none the less. I supervised from the top of the shed, while my troops did the dirty deed. The housekeeping staff are strangely unreceptive to this sort of thing. I'll never forget the time I brought them a dead blackbird to the bedroom. They were most ungrateful, considering it was still warm. Bearing this in mind, I left explicit instructions for my stupid sister to dispose of the evidence. What did she do? Left the damn thing in the middle of the lawn. Guess who got the blame - yes me.
This is my stupid sister looking at my computer screen. She does the same with mirrors you know - I rest my case!

Well that's my lot, I doubt if there's much chance of any more prawns today so I think I'll clear off for a few hours and sleep on the neighbours shed. They are bound to worry about me, but they should have thought about that earlier. See you tomorrow. I may tell you something about the old man - a fine ginger tom. Albert The Cat.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

What a hectic day!

Hello readers. I'm running behind schedule today, hence the very late posting. I can't understand what happened - by the time I got up at the crack of noon it was almost time for my afternoon nap. Had a quick stroll round the estate, dug up a few of his bulbs and had a nice drink from the drain - very tasty. Chased my stupid sister around the bushes, flattening a few plants in the process,a spot of lunch, a quick roll in the dirt and then I adjourned to the bedroom to spruce up on the clean sheets.

I was going to tell you more about my family today, but that will have to wait until tomorrow. Must try to get up a bit earlier. Albert The Cat.

Monday, 26 October 2009

A new week.

Hope you all had a pleasant weekend. I certainly did. As you know, Sunday is a day of rest, and that is exactly what I did. Yesterday, I gave the housekeeping staff the afternoon off and when they had disappeared I had a good scratch on the sofa and covered it in hair, which is just how I like it, and dozed off. Only complaint, is that they could have left the telly switched on.

Something very strange and worrying has happened, my breakfast prawns have been an hour late, both yesterday and today - what is going on? My poncy brother reckons that they have messed around with the clocks. He is too thick to tell the time, so I have no idea how he knows. I remember this happening before, and it took 6 months to get it sorted out! Have any other cats out there had similar problems?

Time for my afternoon nap. I will return tomorrow. Albert the Cat.

Friday, 23 October 2009

More about me

Bit late today. After a long lie in this morning, I had a nice sleep in the sun - very tiring. It is so difficult to fit everything into my busy schedule. Well, yesterday I told you a little about myself. Today I will tell you about where I live. As you know I was born in the garden of a very expensive house in an exclusive part of London. After considering my options, I decided to honour the owners with not only my presence, but that of my stupid sister and poncy brother. However, things are not always as they seem. Shortly after settling in, the newly appointed housekeeping staff decided to move - I was not even consulted. Before I could make alternative arrangements, all three of us were caged up and shipped off to our new abode a few miles away. Me in a cage - the indignity of it! On inspection, I decided that the new facilites, although being totally inadequate, would suffice on a temporary basis.

I am still living there, but nothing should be read into this. I am always on the look out for something better. To keep the housekeeping staff on their toes, I often wander off for the best part of a whole day - I find this to be very effective and would recommend it to you other cats. When I return I am greeted with worried faces and given extra prawns as a token of their pleasure at seeing me again. I would stay away longer, but feel it would be very bad mannered not to pop back and eat the food they put out for me. Talking of food, I will sign off now and have a quick nap before tea. I plan to rest this weekend, to recover from a very busy week. I will return on Monday. Perhaps I will tell you more about my stupid sister and poncy brother - maybe even some pictures of them. Bye for now. Albert The Cat.

Thursday, 22 October 2009

All about me

I was born under a bush in the garden of a very exclusive house next to the council tip. My mother was a fine virtuous black and white cat. My father was a handsome ginger tom, or possibly a mangy old tabby with a great big head - my mother seemed a little unsure. There were 5 of us in the litter. My poncy tabby brother and our stupid ginger tailed sister who I allow live with me. They are called Tabby and Ginger Tail - how original is that? The two others - Spotty and Little Tortoiseshell disappeared - not really sure what happened to them, but more of that on another day.

The two people in the house who my mother decided should take care of us have subsequently been taken on as my housekeeping staff. They are still on trial, but have so far proved to be satisfactory. I call one of them "the pretty one", and she likes stroking me, so I occasionally oblige her. My poncy brother tries every trick in the book to ingratiate himself with her - it is sickening to watch, but she still prefers me. The other one, I don't trust at all, although he does at least provide me with a regular, though frugal, supply of prawns and as any servant worth his salt knows, these are the staple diet of all cats. Well I must go now, I have just noticed that the one I don't trust is digging the garden. I think I will go and roll in the dirt and kick earth on to the lawn before trampling over a few plants. After that I plan to adjourn to the bedroom to clean myself up on the duvet and take a little nap. Pop back tomorrow to find out more. Bye for now.

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

My Plans

Well readers - I thought I would start off by telling you a little bit about my plans. I intend to use this blog to offer my thoughts on all manner of things, particularly those of interest to the cat world. However, you ignorant people will also benefit from my thoughts. Before getting into this, over the next week or so, I will be telling you all about me, and my little family - my stupid sister and my poncy brother who really gets on my nerves! More about her and him later. Then there are the two people whose role in life is to serve me - I usually refer to them as the housekeeping staff. Once we have got this out of the way, I will be enlightening you on my varied daily activities, as well as offering advice. I may even do an agony column - I am always straight to the point and not afraid to give you the advice you don't want to hear. Well that's enough to whet your appetite - pop back tomorrow to find out more about me. I'm off for a few prawns before lunch.

Albert The Cat.

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Coming soon!

It won't be long now before I start writing my regular observations.

Friday, 16 October 2009

Test posting