It's a Frogs Life!

Good day to you all. What a tough weekend I've had. You will recall, the one I don't trust threatened to reduce my already meagre prawn ration if I didn't keep the blackbirds off of his newly planted grass seed. I've been out on guard duty in all weathers - thunderstorms, hail, gales, lightning, tornadoes, you name it, we've had it. "What are you talking about - nothing more than a spot of drizzle and a gentle breeze." Don't tell them that! It's my stupid sister, I wish she would shut up. Anyway, moving on , I can safely say that no blackbird has eaten even one seed. "What about those two pigeons who were so stuffed - they could hardly take off?" Look, I won't tell you again, shut up! Ooh, she is a nuisance.Yesterday was a public holiday. It poured down most of the day. Apparently it always rains on such occasions. Personally I don't agree with the things, I mean why on earth do they need another holiday - it is a real pain. The housekeeping staff just loaf about, not knowing what to do with themselves. All the time they were hanging about the place I had to pretend to be on guard duty. At least they have cleared off today leaving me in peace to go and have a nice kip on the bed. He will never know if anything has eaten the seeds - I doubt if they will grow anyway, not after I've had a good roll on them, well, the ones that are left that is. Hoe Hoe Hoe.... pay attention, that was just one of my little gardening jokes!

While I was taking a break from the arduous guard duty, I had a little stroll around the local patch. A few gardens along, there is a pond. I was looking into it, hoping one of the little fishes would come up to the top when I heard this strange croaking noise behind me. Would you believe it, a frog jumped out of the grass, straight into the pond, and splashed water all over me. It gave me quite a turn! Anyway, after I came down from the tree, I had another look, and do you know, the pond was full of little black things swimming about. Now, for the uninitiated these are called tadpoles and apparently they turn into frogs - a neat little trick, no idea how they do it.

I expect you are impressed, you didn't know that along with my many other talents - ornithology, horticulture, etc. I am also a keen naturist. Are there no ends to your talents Bert, I hear you cry. "There most certainly are." Who said that? "You mean naturalist not naturist" laughed Tabby. It's my poncy brother, what's he doing here? "A naturist is someone who likes running around without any clothes on" he said, "remember, just like you after the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year had to shave you after the unfortunate incident with the pot of green paint when you were a kitten, oh how we laughed." We won't go into that! I hate him, I really do. What does he know anyway. "Why do people who know about frogs have to take their clothes off?" I shrewdly asked. He had no answer. He really shouldn't get involved in arguments with a cat of my intellect. Anyway, how was I to know that old can was full of paint.
Well, that's my lot for today. Suppose I'd better get back on sentry duty before the one I don't trust returns. The damn pigeons will be back for their lunch I expect. I reckon they are redundant carrier pigeons. What with e-mail and text messaging they have too much time on their hands. Nothing to do all day but eat our grass seed. The things I have to put up with. What a life! AlbertThe(fully clothed)Cat.

I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud etc.............

I hope you all had a nice weekend. An uneasy truce has broken out here. A mutual understanding has developed between me and the one I don't trust - he seems to be serving up a reasonable number of prawns, and in return, I've stopped messing the place up too much. Let's hope we can get through until the end of the week, when the pretty one returns without any further unpleasantness.

The weather has taken a turn for the better - Spring has definitely sprung. Now that my crocuses have all been used up, I had a look round the garden this morning to see what I will have to play with next. I reckon it is going to be the daffodils - a host of golden ones in fact! Just a little bit of culture there for my well versed readers, both of you. There are plenty of them as well, daffodils that is, not well versed readers - I should have lots of fun swatting them over the next week or two. Probably best that I don't start until next week or he could construe my actions as being in breach of our truce!I think the Spring weather has got to him as well. He spent most of yesterday planting seeds in little trays. When they grow a bit he is going to plant them outside for me to play with. Now being a very perceptive cat, I have sensed that we may have a teeny weeny problem when the pretty one gets back. You see, he has filled the kitchen with these little trays - everywhere they are, on the windowsill, the worktops, some are even in the dark in the food cupboards - I don't think she is going to be very impressed when she sees it all.

The other problem is I don't know how long I can keep up this good behaviour charade. I was wandering around on the kitchen worktops as part of my nightly inspection of the premises and these little seed trays full of soil were all over the place. How I didn't tread in one I don't know - natural grace and agility I thought as I turned round and knocked a dish into the sink. I had to summon up all of my amazing self control to stop myself having a good dig. I'm not sure how long I will be able to keep it up for though - I mean one little dig won't hurt will it?

Q W E R T Y - sorry about that, my stupid sister is trying to swat a spider on the keyboard.

Well, that's my lot for today. As we're on the subject of gardening, have I told you my carrot joke? "Oh no, not another of his rotten jokes" who said that? How rude. Two women were sitting in the garden when one pointed and said "my husband died on that very spot there just as he was about to pull up some carrots for our dinner." "How awful, what happened" replied her friend. "I opened a can of peas" she said. Oh well, please yourselves. What a life! AlbertThe(conciliatory)Cat.

A Night on the Tiles.....

What a night! As we were hoping, "the one I don't trust" cleared off yesterday evening. Not sure where he went, but I think he met up with some of his pals, or lowlife as I prefer to call them. Anyway, no sooner was he out the door, than my plan for a cultural evening at home with a select few of the local cats swung into action like a well oiled machine. Word was put out on the bush telegraph (I stuck my head out of the flap and mewed loudly), and the guests started to arrive. My poncy brother and my stupid sister were first. I didn't really want to ask them, but as I let them live here with me, I felt obliged to. They were closely followed by wise Old Black Tom. He is a very clever cat, and knows everything. "Where are Mad Harry and Slasher Sid" I asked. "No idea" he replied.

Not to worry, they soon turned up. A strange aroma preceded them - they had bought a tasty pair of half eaten kippers with them, carefully selected from a neighbours bin. How thoughtful. "You might need some of these" said Harry. "Most kind" I replied, "we are fresh out." They put them on the settee for safe keeping. Next, we heard a jingling bell sound, and Quasimodo shot through the flap looking nervously over his shoulder. Now, for new readers, you need to be aware that he has been driven insane by a little bell on his collar! "I'm being chased by an ice cream van" he cried as he dived for cover under the table, knocking over a pot plant in the process. At that very moment, there was a ring on the doorbell, and Quasimodo took the very wise precaution of climbing up the curtains, which duly fell down, along with the curtain rail. "Who was that at the door" I asked. "No idea" said Old Black Tom.What a terrible example of shoddy workmanship I thought. Not surprising though, I remember "the one I don't trust" putting the the curtain rail up just after we moved here. It was a real bodge job - he drilled the holes too big, and when he thought "the pretty one" wasn't looking, he bunged them up with bits of newspaper. He then employed a rarely used advanced technique to insert the screws - a two pound club-hammer! There's an awful lot more I can tell you about his DIY efforts, but that can wait until another day.

Anyway, we digress. Things were in full swing and we had started the party games. Our favourite is a slight variation of pin the tail on the donkey - we call it pin the collar on Quasimodo. It was great fun once we managed to catch him - Oh how we all laughed, well most of us. The game was brought to an abrupt halt by a loud crash from the kitchen. Harry had been taking a drink from the sink, when the large pile of dirty plates, dishes etc, that have accumulated over the last few days collapsed on to the floor. This came as quite a shock to Sid, who at the same time was turning out the contents of the garbage bin on to the very same floor. "Makes it easier to sort through" he advised later. Well, you can imagine the mess.Disaster! I heard a key turn in the front door. "The one I don't trust" had come home early - you really can't rely on him. He was not impressed with the sight that greeted him - smelly kippers on the settee, curtains and plaster all over the floor, the kitchen covered in garbage and broken crockery. You should have seen the scramble for the cat flap. I wouldn't have thought it possible that so many cats could get out of such a small hole in so little time. We reassembled on the back wall. The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry - who was it who said that? "Robert Burns" said Old Black Tom. "No, it couldn't have been him" I replied, "he wasn't invited. It must have been me!" Perhaps Old Black Tom is not so clever after all.

Oh well, that's my lot for today. When I crept back indoors a little later, I think he had forgiven us, because I heard him mutter under his breath "wait till I get hold of those three." I expect he is missing us and just wants to give us a cuddle - so that's nice isn't it! What a life! AlbertThe(party animal)Cat.

While the Cat's Away........

Apologies for not reporting back yesterday, but I was still in a state of shock after the recent news. I'm afraid it has been confirmed – I heard the staff talking about the “pretty one’s” visit to see her mother with my own ears. Not that I don’t trust “my poncy brother” you understand, I mean he is as honest as the day is long, I don’t think! After his recent jape regarding our trip to see “the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year,” you can’t be too careful. So she is off at the end of the week, and we are being left in the less than capable hands of “the one I don’t trust.”

“This could work in our favour” said Ginger Tail. “What do you mean by that” I said. “Blackmail” she whispered furtively. Now as you know, we do not usually expect anything sensible to spout forth from the mouth of “my stupid sister.” This should be good I thought, coming from a cat that has spent most of the last two days crashing into things whilst chasing an airborne pigeon! “If 'the pretty one' comes back from her visit and something bad has happened to one of us, his life won’t be worth living will it?” she said. “He will have to make sure that we are well fed, contented, and in tip top condition when she returns, and the house will have to be spic and span.”The penny dropped, as did my jaw. I'm staggered. She is absolutely right. As soon as “the pretty one” gets back, there will be a roll call and a full inspection of the premises. This is the first time in living memory that Ginger Tail has ever said anything worth listening to. We can make his life an absolute misery – I’m going to enjoy this. I can see it now – we will take it in turns to go missing for hours at a time. I'll have to organise a rota – best that I do my stint outside of normal feeding times. As for the house, we are all highly skilled at messing the place up. In all likelihood we can turn him into a gibbering wreck – well more so than he is now.

Things are definitely looking up. "They certainly are - I've been looking up for two days now and my neck hurts" said Ginger Tail haring off as the pigeon flew overhead. I think we can safely regard her moment of inspiration as a one-off!Well that's my lot for today. I'm getting quite excited already at the thought of all the mischief I can get up to. By the end of two weeks, I will have him eating out of my paw. Mmmm... better if I was eating out of his I reckon! As they say, while the cat's away, the mice will play or more accurately, while "the pretty one's" away, Bert will play. Ho Ho Ho.... What a life! AlbertThe(sneaky)Cat.

Home Alone - Apart From Him!!!

When I awoke bright and early this morning I wandered over to the window, and what an inspirational sight greeted me. The early morning sun was just peeping over the hedgerows, and spears of light were glistening on the lightly frosted grass, like twinkling diamonds. The wondrous hues of newly bloomed crocuses, bluebells and snowdrops - blues, yellows, purples and brilliant white against a backdrop of vivid green - a picture to behold. The dawn chorus was in full song, as blue tits, sparrows and robins joyously greeted the new day with a rich melodious cacophony of sound. Mother nature in all her glory. I sat and admired such handiwork and I knew at once what I should take full advantage of the wonderful gifts she has bestowed upon us. Yes, that's right, I went straight back to bed, stopping only for a light breakfast on the way.Well, what did you think I was going to do? I mean, mornings come round every day nearly, so there's no need to get carried away is there! After all, I need my rest. Anyway, I eventually surfaced just before lunch, and the sun was still out, so clearly I made the right decision. Time for a good scratch, and roll in the dirt before eating. I was starting to doze off in the warm sunshine, when the tranquility was broken by the sound of "my stupid sister" crashing over the back wall in hot pursuit of a large pigeon that was flying at least thirty feet above the ground. I do wonder about her at times. "You'll never catch that" I said. "I'm gaining on it" she replied as she shot past.

Next, "my poncy brother" Tabby appears out of the cat flap with a concerned look on his smug face, and comes over and sits down for a chat. He was the bearer of some very worrying news. Apparently he had overheard a telephone call between "the pretty one" and her mother. "She's visiting" said Tabby, "for a fortnight." "What!!!" I exclaimed, but we've only just got rid of her after Christmas. "No, no" said Tabby, "you don't understand, it is far worse, her mother is not coming here, 'the pretty' one is going to visit her!" The thought of two weeks in the Colditz Cattery under the supervision of the evil camp commandant filled me with dread. "It's bad, but not quite that bad" said Tabby, "she is going on her own, 'the one we don't trust' is being left behind to look after us."My initial relief quickly turned to horror. I mean, "the one I don't trust" is hardly capable of looking after himself, he's barely house trained. Surely he can't be left in charge for two whole weeks. I reckon he has been biding his time waiting for an opportunity like this to get his own back on me - I'll probably starve. Apparently she is not going until the end of the week, so there is time to hatch a plan. I think I'll let the Cats Protection people know what is going on - they keep in touch through the good offices of Twitter you know.

Well, that's my lot for today. I'm in shock. What started off as a rather pleasant day, has gone downhill very quickly. What on earth possessed her to desert us and leave him totally unsupervised. Who is going to tie his shoelaces for him? Without her around things are bound to go to pot. His view of housework is why bother, in six months time it will need doing again. What a life! AlbertThe(deserted)Cat.

On The Run - Nearly......

What a weekend I’ve had! I’ve been hiding under the bed since Friday. I only popped out for essentials like breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner, supper and snacks. Oh, also for a good dig in the garden, and a few naps by the fire. Apart from these rare occasions I’ve been under the bed all the time. You should see the state of things down here, dust, fluff, hair – enough hair in fact to build another cat. What on earth do I pay "the housekeeping staff” for? Actually I don’t pay them anything but that is not the point.

Why am I in hiding, you ask. You’ve not been paying attention over the last week or so have you? We are due to go for our booster jabs tomorrow. I have been deserted by my treacherous "poncy brother" and "my stupid sister." I am lying low until later, when I plan to make good my escape. I have devised a cunning plan. Tonight, after they have blocked the flap up to trap us in the house, I'm going to cover myself in soot from the chimney, and then under the cover of darkness, stopping only for supper, I reckon I can squeeze out of the bathroom window, scramble down the drainpipe on to the shed roof and then off and away over the garden wall.Wait a minute, I can hear giggling - wonder what that's all about? It's only Tabby and Ginger Tail, I wonder what they are up to? "What a daft idea" said Tabby, "can we watch - it should be good for a laugh!" I hate him, I really do! "You won't be laughing tomorrow when you are crated up and taken to be stabbed!" I replied. "Oh yes we will" said Ginger Tail, "we're not going tomorrow, it is not until later in the week." "What! - you told me it was tomorrow - do you mean I've spent the whole weekend under the bed for nothing?" I said furiously. "We know" sniggered Tabby, "it was just a stab in the dark, we made it up - it was our little joke!" "You backstabber" I cried. Oh how they laughed. I hate him, I really do!Apparently, the card from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year," just said call to make an appointment, and as far as we know they haven't done so yet - well that's what Tabby tells me. I don't know who to believe. What is the world coming to when you can't trust your own flesh and blood. I mean, I would never do anything as devious as that. I hope the needle's blunt when it's their turn.

Well that's my lot for today. The whole weekend under the bed for nothing - can you believe it. "I am just going outside, and I may be some time" - I think Captain Oates said that. No, it couldn't have been him, there's no one else here. Wonder what did become of him though. Apparently they took a cat with them on the expedition south. Not sure how he got on with the huskies, but I bet he enjoyed chasing the penguins. His name was Snowy, on account of him being all white. He is in lots of the photographs, but is very difficult to spot! He was the first pole cat! "What do you mean it's a rotten joke" - it's the best I can manage, I'm not in a very jovial mood. What a life! AlbertThe(absconding)Cat.

The Great Escape!

There has been some terrible business here today. You'll never guess what has happened. Our confidence yesterday that "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" had forgotten about us was totally misplaced. The appointment card arrived in the post this morning. Before I could do anything, "the one I don't trust" picked it up and said "they've got to go to the vet for their boosters next week - that'll cost me an arm and a leg!" How mean can he be? Surely it is a small price to pay for having me live with him! Anyway, if I have my way, I'll save him a few bob by doing a runner.

Now, should I let "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" in on it, or should I just leave them in complete ignorance. Probably the latter, after all, I don't want them spooking the staff. If they block the flap up too soon, it will foil my escape. "Have you heard" said Tabby as he walked past, "we are booked in for our jabs next week." I was aghast! "How do you know that?" I said. "Oh they were talking about it earlier - apparently it is on Tuesday, and they plan to shut us in on Monday night." said Tabby - "Ginger Tail knows as well, we weren't going to tell you." What a treacherous, deceitful brother I have - I hate him I really do.Anyway, this is no time for fighting amongst ourselves. That can wait until afterwards. In our hour of need, we must stand together for the common good. I immediately summoned a meeting of the escape committee on the back step. "Any bright ideas?" I said. "Yes" said Ginger Tail, "why don't we just go and get it over with - they always catch us in the end". "I think she's right" said Tabby. Well, I couldn't believe my ears at such defeatist talk. Clearly I needed to rally the troops.

"We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in the kitchen, we shall fight on the bed, we shall fight in the lounge, with growing confidence and hissing and spitting, we shall defend ourselves, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the settee, we shall fight on the landing and on the stairs; we shall never surrender."

Stirring stuff eh? "No, I think we should give up" said Tabby. "You can always hide up the chimney like you did last year" sniggered Ginger Tail. There was no need to bring that up! "What happened" I hear you cry. It was most unfortunate, I'm sure it had been made narrower, anyway I became wedged in. "The one I don't trust" wanted to leave me there until I had lost a few pounds - eventually he had to stick his hand up and drag me out by the scruff of the neck - I was covered in soot! Oh how he laughed! Black cats weren't lucky for him though - I took a lump out of his thumb.So, it looks like I am on my own. I think I'll clear off now, or shall I wait until after supper. I think I'll wait until after the weekend - after all, it is very cold outside. Maybe I'll dig a tunnel.

Well that's my lot for today. Did I tell you what happened last time we went to see "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year?" Well, "the one I don't trust" asked if there was anything he could do to stop us purring. "Why do you want to do that" said the vet. "Because relatives are visiting, and I don't want them to think we are pleased to see them!" What a nasty piece of work he is! What a life! AlbertThe(Houdini)Cat.

The Cat's Out The Bag!

Have you all missed me? No! Not any of you! I don't know why I bother. "The one I don't trust" went away yesterday, and do you know what, he only took my computer with him. What a cheek. Anyway, I'm back.

We had a bit of "a do" over the weekend. "My poncy brother" developed a pronounced limp(L-I-M-P, pronounced limp) which gradually got worse. Oh, you should have seen the fuss he made. He will do anything for a bit of sympathy. "The pretty one" was all over him - you'd think he was at deaths door. She even gave him extra prawns - sometimes even I am astonished at just how gullible she can be. I had a good look at him, and all I could see was a small cut on his rear offside leg - a minor scratch. No comparison with my old war wound that I never talk about. "Oh no, he's not going to start rambling on about that again is he?" Who said that? Have I told you about it before then? Surely not - I don't like to mention it.Apparently Tabby had been doing a bit of ratting, and one of the smaller ones nipped him - oh how I laughed. Yesterday, there was talk of taking him to see "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year." This raised my hopes, that perhaps it wasn't quite so trivial after all. "The one I don't trust" was against the idea - all he was worried about was being relieved of more of his cash. "Give it a few days," he grumbled "he has to go and have his booster soon, we can kill two birds with one stone". What a mean man. Unfortunately my hopes have been dashed, as this morning Tabby seems to be on the mend. However, he does still have to go and have his jabs, so there is still something amusing to look forward to.This brings us on to the very serious business of the day. "Don't know what you're laughing at" said Ginger Tail as she walked past. "All our jabs are due at the same time - if his is due, then so are ours!" She's right you know, she's not so stupid after all. The awful truth dawned - it only seems a year since we last went. As the words were leaving her lips, the post came through the door, and there lying on the mat was a threatening letter from said bloke who sticks needles in us, telling "the housekeeping staff" that under pain of dire retribution and in exchange for an inordinate sum of money we are required to attend his seedy establishment for our booster vaccination and annual health check later this month! The cat was out of the bag, so to speak. How can a failed medic run such a scam - in any other walk of life it would be considered extortion and he would be banged to rights!

Annual health check - I don't like the sound of that - they are bound to weigh me. I did notice, that my due date is three days after the other two. I managed to escape last year before they crated me up - one of life's little triumphs. They got me next time though - despite my iron willpower, I succumbed to their dirty underhand trickery - they put a handful of prawns in the cat carrier. I have shredded the card so at least I've delayed the dreaded moment. They are bound to send another one.Well, that's your lot for today. I have important matters to attend to. I have to devise a rota for the three of us to keep guard on the letterbox. Before that, I think I will limp over to see "the pretty one" - should be worth a prawn or two. What a life! AlbertThe(needle phobic)Cat.

Warning - Cats Can Seriously Improve Your Health!

Hello – I’m back again. Sorry about the last few days – I was going to tell you a little story yesterday, but by the time I woke up from my afternoon nap, I had a big decision to make. Should I turn over and go back to sleep, or should I write my blog. Anyway, I had a really good kip. Now, what was I going to write about??? Oh yes, I remember. Did you know that a family pet can improve the quality of life for the people they live with? Not only that, but medical science has shown that these folks also lead longer and healthier lives. I heard all this while I was dozing in front of the telly the other evening.

It was an interesting programme, only interrupted by cynical comments from “the one I don’t trust”. Hair on the furniture, fleas, furballs, eats us out of house and home, were just a few of the more repeatable remarks he made. Clearly he doesn’t appreciate the benefits of having me around the place. The gist of the story is that having animal companions - cats and dogs in particular results in both emotional and physical well-being. Now, I’m sure the mention of dogs, is political correctness gone mad. I mean to say we all know what a damn nuisance those things are, especially that nasty little Jack Russell that lives next door – always yapping away.So, we will ignore dogs, and assume they were really talking about cats. Here are just a few of the apparent benefits of having someone like me living with you.

• Lower blood cholesterol levels – makes perfect sense. They came up with some clever medical explanation, but the real reason is obvious. Shellfish, and prawns in particular are a rich source of cholesterol. In this house I shift all the prawns that are put in front of me, so there are very few left for anyone else. I could do even more to help if only they would let me.
• Lower blood pressure – the last time they tried to put me in a cat carrier to go to see “the bloke who sticks needles in me once a year,” I got rather annoyed, and managed to claw and bite “the one I don’t trust”. His arm was leaking all over the place, so it stands to reason that if he has less blood inside him, then the pressure will drop – pretty basic stuff really.
• Quicker recovery from illness - clearly, if they have me to look after, they can't loaf around in bed all day feeling sorry for themselves can they? Imagine if they were unable to supply me with prawns - I would leave wouldn't I, and they wouldn't want that!
• Higher survival rate after serious illness - a study has shown that heart attack patients are more likely to be alive a year after they discharge from hospital. It would be very poor form if they keeled over and left us unattended. We give them the will to live.
• Fewer doctor visits - apart from the occasional tetanus shot after one of our little altercations, I don't see any need for "the one I don't trust" to go at all.
• Reduced loneliness - I have my staff go out to the shops on a frequent basis to stock up on essential supplies - prawns, etc. The perfect opportunity to meet people. I am always thinking of them aren't I?
• Pet therapy programmes - in nursing homes cats are credited with enabling elderly patients to reach out beyond their own pain and isolation and start caring about the world around them again. Stops them being selfish and moping around thinking of nobody but themselves.
• Less depression - fancy that, us cats are anti-depressants - Prozac on legs!
  
• Aids childhood development - not sure about this one. I hate kids. When our "nosy neighbours" last popped round with their evil brood, one of them was crawling all over the place, and started eating my cat biscuits. Everyone was most put out when I hissed and spat at him. Well, I had to put my paw down. Apparently he started bed-wetting again as a result of the shock. Most unusual in a sixteen year old - just my little joke, he's twelve actually!
  

Well that's your lot for today. I leave you to ponder upon the above - no home is complete without a cat. Now, if any of you out there are feeling a bit poorly and are deficient in the cat department, then I have a couple of spares that I can let you have - "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" are both available for immediate shipping at a very reasonable price. What am I bid for the pair? What a life! AlbertThe(health-giving)Cat.

What Did Astrology Ever Do For Us?

Good day to you all. I trust I find you well. I bet you've checked your stars this morning after yesterday's thought provoking piece. I'm just going to have a look at mine - here we are, Gemini, now what does it say:-

Time is a great healer and can bring about incredible transformations. Great healer? There is nothing wrong with me - who said "you could have fooled me." I think it was that "poncy brother" of mine. Transformations - well we all get older, I mean that's not exactly mind blowing stuff is it? Sometimes, though, you struggle with time, because you lead such a hectic life. Well I do don't I? Only this morning, I went for a little stroll after breakfast, and when I got back, there was hardly time to fit in a nap before my mid-morning snack. It's all go. You must make allowances for others, as they cannot all manage more than one thing at a time as well as you can. Very true - do you know while I am writing this, I am chewing on a prawn as well. Whoops, I've just dropped it. It's gone under the table. Ow, I've banged my head trying to pick it up. Very soon, your dreams will come true, but in months not weeks. I was hoping it would be sooner - so I've got to put up with my "poncy brother" and "stupid sister" for a while longer.This Zodiac stuff isn't all it's cracked up to be. Anyway, on to more important matters. I was looking over the fence this morning hoping to annoy the nasty little Jack Russell that lives over there. Sure enough, out he came yapping away, bouncing all over the place, closely followed by his owner who dragged him back in. Strange how dogs have owners isn't it? I mean I have staff to look after me, but an owner - no I don't think anyone has ever owned a cat. I mean my stay at this place is only temporary. If a better offer comes along, I'm off. I told Ginger Tail of my plans, and she said I was a very ungrateful cat.

"Ungrateful!" I said. "What have the housekeeping staff ever done for us?"

"They took us in when we were born under a bush up at the dump" she said.

"Apart from that?" I replied.

"They let us live in their house" she said.

"I thought it was our house, but anyway, apart from that" I replied.

"They feed us when we are hungry" she said.

"Not enough prawns though are there, but anyway, apart from that" I replied.

"They give us somewhere nice and warm to sleep" she said.

"Of course they do, but apart from that?" I replied.

"They look after us if we are not well" she said.

"Yes, yes, yes, I know, but apart from that?" I replied.

"They make sure no harm comes to us" she said.

"Yes, but apart from that what have they ever done or us?" I said triumphantly.

Just as I thought, she had no answer. Having lost the argument, she walked away shaking her head. I think she realises how futile it is to get involved in philosophical debate with a cat of my intellect. Now where's that prawn I dropped earlier. Ow, I've banged my head again.Well, that's my lot for today. I think I'll hang around a little longer and see if things improve. I told you that the woman over the back wall had taken a shine to me. She got a bit uppity when I had a little dig under her roses mind you, but we can probably patch things up. Always good to have a contingency plan. What a life! AlbertThe(sore-headed)Cat.

Watch Out - There's a Hacker About...

Hello - you are in for a pleasant surprise today. You were expecting another load of drivel from Bert, that awful brother of mine weren't you. Well you are wrong, guess who this is - it's me, Tabby, his good looking brother. I've managed to hack into his account on the computer. It wasn't difficult, his password "prawns4me" was on a post-it note stuck to the screen. Now I have to be quick, before Bert gets back - he's out in the garden at the moment chasing snow flakes. He really is a very stupid cat. I hope you haven't been taken in by a lot of the rubbish he writes - he lives in a world of his own, he's off with the fairies most of the time.

Bearing in mind how thick he is, it is amazing that he has learnt to use a computer. Do you know the other day, he was grumbling to himself about the screen going black. Took him ages to work out the thing was not switched on. When he overcame this mighty technical challenge he thought there was something wrong with his screensaver - it disappeared every time he moved the mouse! Another time, I was walking past, and he had an error message up - it said "press any key to continue". Half an hour later, I walked past again and he was still sitting there with that gormless look on his face, "What's up" I said. "I've looked everywhere, but I still cant find the ANY key" he replied. When he first started doing his blog, it was not unusual to find typists correction fluid on the screen would you believe!

There's an awful lot I can tell you about him. Hardly know where to start. Oh no, I can hear him coming. It will have to wait for another day. He will be livid when he finds out what I have been up to - time to make myself scarce - I'm off to see "the pretty one", she'll look after me - I might even get a prawn if I suck up to her, afterall she is a little gullible, not that I would take advantage you understand. Bye for now. TabbyThe(good looking)Cat.
What's been going on here then. That "poncy brother" of mine has just run off. He's been up to no good I bet. What a damn cheek, he has been writing on my blog. How did he get into my account, what with all the security measures I have installed? I mean to say, after the previous unfortunate incident when "my stupid sister" managed to log in, I changed the password and put it in a safe place - on a post-it note stuck to the screen. Who would think of looking there - not me, that's for sure, I keep wondering where it is.Well that'll have to be my lot for today - I can't hang around here like I usually do waffling to you lot. I've got important things to do. I have to beef up my security. "Are you going to install new software?" I hear you ask. Not exactly, I have something far more effective in mind - I'm off to see Mad Harry and Slasher Sid. For a small consideration, I'm sure they will be more than happy to show Tabby what re-booting is all about, if you get my drift! What a life! AlbertThe(seriously compromised)Cat.

Conciousness - the short time between naps....

I hope you are all well. I'm taking things very easy. I've decided I need a bit of a rest. Life has been hectic recently, what with the Christmas festivities, our esteemed visitors, the prestigious award, nearly getting a knighthood, and then to cap it all the damn snow. It's cold and slushy outside, so I have taken to my bed. No point in pushing yourself to the limits is there. I mean, hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? If a thing is worth doing, then someone else will have done it already, so best leave it to them."My stupid sister" reckons I am just being lazy, but how little she knows. Being a well educated cat, I have of course studied Physics - whatever that is. Anyway, did you know that one of the laws of dynamics, or something similar, is that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Makes sense therefore to use as little of it as possible. I'm all in favour of conservation. While we are addressing such matters, another important law of Physics that I wholeheartedly agree with is that a body will remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of a refrigerator door.So you can see, there is a lot more to all this loafing around than meets the eye. It can be quite tiring. I wonder if "the housekeeping staff" would bring my meals to my bed - not much to ask is it. Perhaps if I let them stroke me, I mean,they do say there is no such thing as a free lunch. Personally I have never bought in to that daft idea - there is around here, as well as free breakfast, free dinner, free supper and free snacks. Quite right too. The staff should realise by now how lucky they are to have me.Well that's my lot for today. I'm going back to sleep. Hope I wake up in time for my tea. I expect I will - after all, us cats still know what is going on even when we appear to be out like a light. Oh yes, we are always alert, nothing gets past me. "Tea was served up over an hour ago." "Who said that" I asked. "Me" said Tabby, "you were asleep, we didn't like to wake you." Oh how he laughed. I hate him I really do. What a life! AlbertThe(sleepy but alert)Cat.

Don't Count Your Cats.....

Hello again. Weather is looking a bit grim. It is very cold today. "My poncy brother" tried to take a drink out of the old watering can in the garden, and his tongue stuck to it - most unfortunate. Oh how I laughed. I was not slow to take advantage, popped round behind him and nipped his tail - I hate him!
Well, today I thought I would tell you about something I heard recently. "The one I don't trust" was talking to "the pretty one" and he said, "do you know cats can't count." What on earth is he on about I thought, where does he get such rubbish? Me, Tabby and Ginger Tail, looked at him in astonishment - yes, all four of us, Ho.. Ho.. Ho... just my little joke. Apparently he had read it in a book. I can count a lot better than he can, after all he has only got five digits on each hand, whereas I have six on each paw, a mark of my good breeding you understand. My father, elder brother and cousin also had six toes - what do you mean they were probably one and the same cat! How rude - my mother, my auntie and my grandma would be most deeply offended - both of them! Who says we can't count.

Being naturally inquisitive, I felt it beholden upon me to find out for you just how they came up with this daft idea, so I did a bit of research. Now, pay attention, you might learn something. When mummy cat has kittens, she hides them under a bush or somewhere similar, to keep them safe from dogs and other such undesirables. After a few days, she moves them to keep the dogs guessing, I expect. One at a time, she grabs hold of them by the scruff of the neck and carries them to their new abode. In our litter, there was me, Tabby, Ginger Tail, Spotty and Little Torty - yes that's right, seven of us. Naturally I was moved first, being the most important, although Tabby reckons it was because being the heaviest, mum wanted to get the hard work out of the way first! Damn cheek! Anyway after she has been back for the last one, she returns once more. Based on this fleeting observation, they have concluded that mum can't count and just keeps going back until there are no kittens left. What they don't realise is that the only reason mum goes back is to see if anyone has left any food out for her.The quality of the research is pitiful. It brings into question all the other clever things they claim to have discovered. Personally, I have always had doubts about the world being round, I mean we'd all roll off wouldn't we, and how on earth they got to the moon is any one's guess, perhaps they didn't! What about this global warming lark - could have done with a bit of that earlier when Tabby's tongue got stuck to the watering can. They should leave the clever stuff to the cats, and just concentrate on what they do best - looking after us.

Well that's your lot for today. An appropriate note upon which to finish is a little story my Great Uncle Porky used to tell me when I was a kitten. Not many people know this, but when they first started sending rockets into space, they put dogs inside to see what would happen to them - I ask you, a dog! Anyway, eventually they sent a man into space, and he was accompanied by a cat. When they got into orbit, there were two envelopes labelled "instructions". The first one was for the cat and it read - "plot course, check systems, monitor fuel load, undertake experiments, carry out space walk, fire engines to return to earth, adjust boosters for re-entry, deploy parachutes, etc....." The second one was for the human, and it read "feed the cat!". What a Life! AlbertThe(numerate)Cat.

Arise Sir Bert..............

..........."Albert, it is very good of you to make time to come and see me today. I have rescheduled this investiture to fit in with your busy schedule. I realise that if you had come any earlier you would have missed your breakfast prawns. My husband and I would not want to impose on such an important event," said The Queen.

"I am most deeply obliged Your Majesty," I replied.

"Now, we must get down to business" said The Queen. "I have a load of riff-raff lined up outside waiting for their gongs. If you would be so kind as to kneel on the cushion, we can begin".

"For outstanding services in the field of feline literature and for keeping the palace mouse population under control, Albert is duly appointed to the order of Knight of the Bath - he could certainly do with one, just my little joke" said The Queen. "Arise Sir Albert The Cat"

"Be careful with that sword, you could have my ear off" I said.

"Now that the formalities are out of the way, can we have a quiet word Bert - you don't mind if I call you Bert do you?" The Queen said.

"Not at all Ma'am" I replied.

"I am getting fed up with these pesky corgis running around all over the palace and yapping away. I am thinking of getting rid of them and replacing them with a whole load of cats. What do you think Bert?"

"Well Your Majesty, in my humble opinion it is an excellent idea," I said.

"I'm glad you agree," said The Queen. "I will get on to it first thing in the morning, and I would like to offer you, Sir Bert, the position of First Royal Cat - what have you got to say to that?"

"I am deeply honoured Your Majesty" I replied.

"You will of course have permanent residence in Buckingham Palace, and have your very own staff from the Royal Household. All of your living expenses will be covered, and there will be unlimited prawns. One further thing, I tell you this in strictest confidence you understand, I am very disappointed with my offspring - a bunch of wasters - I am thinking of disinheriting them. I would like to make you heir to the throne - King Albert The First, what do you think of that?" said The Queen.

"Before I accept, there are a couple of things. Firstly, "my poncy brother", and "stupid sister" can I put them in The Tower?" I asked.

"Good idea" said The Queen, "I do it all the time to people who get on my nerves. Lord Lucan is still in there, sharing a cell with Shergar - do you know I had a win-double riding on that horse and he came in third!".

"Excellent" I said. "What about my current housekeeping staff - they are fairly inept, but I have grown strangely fond of them. They would be lost without me. Perhaps you could find a menial position for "the pretty one" in the kitchen, and as for "the one I don't trust", well it is hard to know what to suggest - perhaps something with a shovel in the Royal Stables?"

"No problem at all," said The Queen, "I will get Philip on the job tomorrow."

"In that case I accept" I said.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.................. "arise Sir Bert,....... arise Sir Bert,........ wake up Sir Bert,....... wake up you stupid cat,.......... wake up you idiot"................. said Tabby, "King Albert indeed - you have been dreaming again".
Surely not - it was all a dream. I'm here laying in my bed with that "poncy brother" of mine pushing his way in. Oh what a disappointment. I didn't even get a mention in The New Years Honours List can you believe. Must be one of you lot not being able to keep the little secret I let you in on yesterday. I won't trust you again!

Well that's my lot. I always thought I had royal blood in my veins - not sure how it got there. All that remains, is to wish all of you a very happy and prosperous new year. What a Life! AlbertThe(not so very regal)Cat.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life………..

How are we all then? Hope you survived the festivities. What a let down they turned out to be. Do you know that most of those presents round our tree weren't for me after all. Most of them were for the damn housekeeping staff. What did I get you all ask – a little fishing rod type thing with a tinsel covered mouse on the end of a bit of string. Apparently I am supposed to chase it and get excited when they dangle it in front of me. I could hardly contain myself!

What a depressing state of affairs. Weather is rotten, dark most of the day, housekeeping staff miserable as sin, roll on Spring. I think I am suffering from the post-Christmas blues. This set me thinking – don’t sound so surprised – I do occasionally, why do most of us feel down at this time of year?
I did some research on the internet and I am correct - statistically this is the most depressing time of year – in fact as far as suicides are concerned, then this is definitely the most popular time to top yourself – if you are that way inclined of course. Now, us cats don’t really go along with suicide. Probably because we have nine lives. I expect feeding time would arrive before we even got past attempt three, and we would lose interest. Anyway, these humans are a strange lot.

Guess what I have discovered from the statistics:-

• Christmas is the most popular time for suicides, mm.... not sure if popular is the right word, but you get my drift – I suppose you can understand it, if people are on their own they may get a bit down.
  
  
• Sunday evening is the most popular time of week – people depressed about going back to work after the weekend I expect.
  
  
• Scandinavia has a higher prevalence that any where else. Not surprised, apparently it does not get light during the winter. All very gloomy.
  
  
• The veterinary profession is more prone to it than any other – I reckon this is because they have a chip on their shoulder about being failed medics, and also it is easy for them to do it – one quick jab and Bob's your uncle! People with low self esteem are always putting themselves down, so to speak – just my little joke! Now, compare this with say, a carpenter – by the time he had got half way through sawing his head off, he would probably have lost the enthusiasm. Not exactly quick and painless is it?

I know this is a morbid subject, but in this post-Christmas period, it is most appropriate don't you think. My mind started wandering and I came up with an interesting thought - what would happen if they had a Veterinary Convention in Norway in December, when Christmas fell on a Sunday – I ask you? A real bundle of laughs that would be - they would be collecting them up in wheelbarrows on Boxing Day.
Well that’s my lot for today - I will leave you to ponder on that chilling thought. Do you know, while I was doing my research, I went to the library and asked if they would lend me a book on suicide – they said no, on account that I wouldn’t bring it back! Oh how they laughed! Another of my little jokes. What a life! AlbertThe(very morose)Cat.

Bert's Christmas Message...

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

Quite right too - no self respecting mouse would wander around here. Well, here we are then, Christmas Eve. The big day has almost arrived. I have just sent "the housekeeping staff" out to get last minute provisions - prawns and cat biscuits I expect. I hope they use their initiative and get me a special treat - half a side of fresh salmon would be quite acceptable. They have taken our esteemed visitors with them, so that they can buy me something. I'm looking forward to opening all my presents tomorrow.

Now it's at times like this, that we should count our blessings and remember those less well off than ourselves - dogs for instance. No, just my little joke, we don't give a damn about them. What I am really getting at is those cats whose staff have neglected them and gone away for the holiday period. These poor creatures will by now be banged up in catteries. I know from personal experience how awful this can be. A few years ago me, Tabby and Ginger Tail were dispatched unceremoniously to Camp Colditz for a whole week over Christmas, while the staff went off and enjoyed themselves. "Poor Bert" I hear you cry.

What a week that was - confined to our cell 24 hours a day, starvation rations, slopping out morning and night, and lights off at 8PM sharp. The picture below shows us just starting our sentence. So you cats out there who have been deserted, you have my sympathy. If I was you, I would spend the time plotting your revenge - shredding the furniture, hairballs on the carpet, dead mice under the bed - you know the sort of thing. All you poor imprisoned pussy cats - rest assured that while we are tucking in to our prawns and fresh salmon, and laying in front of a nice warm fire, we will be thinking of you if we remember.
Christmas is a time of peace and goodwill to all cats, except "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" of course. Christmas is a time for giving. Not just the nice presents that I hope you have all bought for me, but what I really mean is our favourite charities. Take for example the Cats Protection people - what magnificent work they do finding homes for stray cats. You should all search your consciouses and consider taking in a poor homeless moggy. I would myself, but obviously we are overcrowded here already. We had one of these charity people knock on our door the other day just after some of the Christmas decorations had mysteriously been pulled down - "I'm collecting for the local cats home" he said. The one that I don't trust replied tersely "I've got three you can have!". Wonder what he meant by that? Three bags of money I expect - he can be quite generous at times.

Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to get stuck in to the festivities. Before I go though I would like to thank my legions of readers, all five of you, for your support. I hope you all have a very Happy Christmas. I will return after the holiday. What a life! AlbertThe(philosophical)Cat.

Tis the Season to be Jolly............

Hello again. Last day of the week. You'll all be pleased to know that when I looked out into the garden this morning there was not a polar bear in sight. What a relief. Even though the snow seems to be disappearing - I still haven't worked out where it goes by the way, I don't think we should let our guard down just yet.

Strange things going on round here today, "the housekeeping staff" have started to bring the garden into the house! Fancy that. The scruffy old pine tree that he acquired a few days ago is now in the lounge. Whenever I bring bits of the garden indoors, mud, grass, etc.. I get shouted at, and now he brings a whole tree inside and nothing is said. I think it has a lot to do with this Christmas thing they keep going on about. Two big boxes have appeared from the loft, full of sparkly silver things, brightly coloured baubles and strings of flashing lights. Now if I'm not mistaken, at the weekend, they intend to hang all this stuff on the tree. Imagine, an indoor scratching post covered with lots of new toys. I can see endless hours of amusement ahead. Perhaps this Christmas lark won't be so bad after all. I'm getting quite excited.

As I'm not really sure what Christmas is all about, I went and spoke to Wise Old Black Tom, the fount of all knowledge. He told me that many years ago, a little baby boy called Santa was born in a stable. "Why was he born in a stable" I asked. "Because all the hotels were full up on account of it being Christmas" he said. What a clever cat, he knows everything. What happened next I hear you ask. Well, three blind mice, I think he said three blind mice, bearing gifts, followed a shining star, and it led them to the stable where the new born child was laying in a manger. I got a bit confused at this point, as its difficult to imagine blind mice following a star. Perhaps they had guide dogs. I wonder what presents they took with them - cheese I expect.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, this is the reason why we celebrate Christmas every year. Now anything that involves receiving presents can't be all bad. I wonder what "the housekeeping staff" will get me? A great big box of prawns I hope. I must be very difficult to buy for - I mean to say what do you get the cat who has got everything? I asked Old Black Tom whether I needed to get presents for "my stupid sister" or "my poncy brother". He said that cats don't usually give presents to other cats, but it was traditional in these parts to give a small token of appreciation to black cats, just for good luck you understand. "A few prawns are usually quite acceptable" he said. Now, I never realised that, and guess who is the only black cat I know - yes you're right, Old Black Tom. Isn't it a good job he told me.
Well that's the lot for today, and in fact for this week. Looks like it could be a busy weekend round here. Hopefully by the time we meet up again on Monday the indoor scratching post will be on display in all it's glory! I can't wait to get my Santa Claws into it - Ho Ho Ho!!! Don't forget now, keep your eyes open for polar bears. What a life! AlbertThe(Festive)Cat.