Arise Sir Bert..............

..........."Albert, it is very good of you to make time to come and see me today. I have rescheduled this investiture to fit in with your busy schedule. I realise that if you had come any earlier you would have missed your breakfast prawns. My husband and I would not want to impose on such an important event," said The Queen.

"I am most deeply obliged Your Majesty," I replied.

"Now, we must get down to business" said The Queen. "I have a load of riff-raff lined up outside waiting for their gongs. If you would be so kind as to kneel on the cushion, we can begin".

"For outstanding services in the field of feline literature and for keeping the palace mouse population under control, Albert is duly appointed to the order of Knight of the Bath - he could certainly do with one, just my little joke" said The Queen. "Arise Sir Albert The Cat"

"Be careful with that sword, you could have my ear off" I said.

"Now that the formalities are out of the way, can we have a quiet word Bert - you don't mind if I call you Bert do you?" The Queen said.

"Not at all Ma'am" I replied.

"I am getting fed up with these pesky corgis running around all over the palace and yapping away. I am thinking of getting rid of them and replacing them with a whole load of cats. What do you think Bert?"

"Well Your Majesty, in my humble opinion it is an excellent idea," I said.

"I'm glad you agree," said The Queen. "I will get on to it first thing in the morning, and I would like to offer you, Sir Bert, the position of First Royal Cat - what have you got to say to that?"

"I am deeply honoured Your Majesty" I replied.

"You will of course have permanent residence in Buckingham Palace, and have your very own staff from the Royal Household. All of your living expenses will be covered, and there will be unlimited prawns. One further thing, I tell you this in strictest confidence you understand, I am very disappointed with my offspring - a bunch of wasters - I am thinking of disinheriting them. I would like to make you heir to the throne - King Albert The First, what do you think of that?" said The Queen.

"Before I accept, there are a couple of things. Firstly, "my poncy brother", and "stupid sister" can I put them in The Tower?" I asked.

"Good idea" said The Queen, "I do it all the time to people who get on my nerves. Lord Lucan is still in there, sharing a cell with Shergar - do you know I had a win-double riding on that horse and he came in third!".

"Excellent" I said. "What about my current housekeeping staff - they are fairly inept, but I have grown strangely fond of them. They would be lost without me. Perhaps you could find a menial position for "the pretty one" in the kitchen, and as for "the one I don't trust", well it is hard to know what to suggest - perhaps something with a shovel in the Royal Stables?"

"No problem at all," said The Queen, "I will get Philip on the job tomorrow."

"In that case I accept" I said.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.................. "arise Sir Bert,....... arise Sir Bert,........ wake up Sir Bert,....... wake up you stupid cat,.......... wake up you idiot"................. said Tabby, "King Albert indeed - you have been dreaming again".
Surely not - it was all a dream. I'm here laying in my bed with that "poncy brother" of mine pushing his way in. Oh what a disappointment. I didn't even get a mention in The New Years Honours List can you believe. Must be one of you lot not being able to keep the little secret I let you in on yesterday. I won't trust you again!

Well that's my lot. I always thought I had royal blood in my veins - not sure how it got there. All that remains, is to wish all of you a very happy and prosperous new year. What a Life! AlbertThe(not so very regal)Cat.