Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Christmas - Bah Humbug!!!

Good morning one and all, well it might not be so good. Things were going well, I thought I had a fine new toy, but now I’m not so sure. Let’s take a step back to last Friday. Regular readers will know that a scruffy old pine tree appeared in the lounge. As I predicted, “the housekeeping staff” decorated it over the weekend. It is covered in all manner of shiny things, lights and dangly balls. When you give them a good clout with your paw, the whole thing shakes and the staff get very agitated. All good fun. There is even a strange little fellow dressed in red with a white beard sitting on top. I haven’t managed to knock him off yet. “My poncy brother” reckons he can climb up to get at him. I am encouraging him to have a go. Just to be on the safe side, I think I will make myself scarce when he makes his attempt.

NOW PAY ATTENTION all of you because this is very serious - I believe there is a major conspiracy afoot. The humans are planning to get rid of us cats. Surely not I hear you cry - but sadly it is true, and after all we've done for them! I heard the staff talking about ways to “cat-proof” the tree. This is all very worrying – there appear to be lots of hazards. I say again, all you cats out there need to pay attention here, it gets a bit scary. Apparently tinsel is very bad for us when we eat it – why on earth I would want to eat bits of silver paper I don't know – they must think I am as daft as they are. Now if they hung prawns all over the tree, then that would be a different matter all together. They have read somewhere that cats don’t like orange peel and that if they put it round the bottom of the tree, then the smell will repel us. Have you ever heard such rubbish in your life. I bet they never asked a cat for an opinion. If they really want to use smells to keep us away, they should ask Mad Harry and Slasher Sid. When they leave smells around, most cats who have any regard for their own safety steer well clear – if they know what’s good for them! They should bottle the stuff and sell it – they’ll make a fortune.
It gets worse - there are lights on the tree, and if we chew through the wires, we get frazzled! Many of the little toys on the tree are made of something called chocolate. Despite “the pretty one” being addicted to the stuff, it can be poisonous to us cats. The tree is in a little stand, with water in the bottom. We must not drink this water because nasty stuff comes out of the tree that makes us barf! In addition to the tree, they have also bought in prickly twigs covered in red berries called Holly, and apparently the berries are poisonous to cats. What are they up to? I can only come to one conclusion - they are out to get us.
As you now see, this Christmas lark is not all it is cracked up to be – I reckon it is a deliberate attempt to get rid of us – a major conspiracy in fact. What a good job I have rumbled their little plan. Spread the word - we need to be on our guard. Personally I plan to knock our tree over at the earliest opportunity. I think you should all do the same.

Well that’s my lot for today. I hope you cats have taken heed of my warnings. If you've still got nine lives left, then you may want to take a chance, but if like me you've been around a bit, so to speak, then you need to take great care out there! What a life! AlbertThe(not so festive)Cat.


  1. How cute. Thanks for the bits of wisdom. We sometimes forget about the "little" dangers that can cause major problems.

  2. Well, we don't have a real tree in the house,they never use tinsel, or decorations that I can whap off the branch and break. They are no fun. Once I discovered that the shiny balls do not break when you play soccer with them I gave up. Now it's a jsut a prety tree with a few token presents under it, none of which are for me. I still gravate to the hot vent in the floor, who needs a cold tree you can't play with I ask? have a Merry Christmas Albert.

  3. Albert,

    I'm Ranger the cat, and need to tell you there are other things you can do to make up for your disappointment. First, sit in the tree. Select a sturdy bottom branch and crouch low so they won't see you. Then, watch them call your name and search the entire building in vain. It's fun. I'm speaking from experience. Or, you can make your way to the top, teeter a bit, and then leap for a soft spot as the tree and all its finery topples to the floor. That's fun, too. The ornaments are easier to bat around when they're on the floor. Enjoy.