Thursday, 25 February 2010

Doing the Rounds....

Hello again. I took the day off yesterday to recover from recent events. By sleeping at full speed, I managed to wake up early this morning feeling greatly invigorated. I thought a bit of fresh air would do me good, and as it appeard to be quite a nice morning, after breakfast, I decided to go for a stroll and catch up with the local gang.I had a look over next door, and sure enough, the nasty little Jack Russell started yapping away as soon as it saw me. I stayed just long enough for it's owner to come and drag it away. A bit further along the back wall, I came across wise Old Black Tom - he is a very clever and important cat, he told me so himself. "What's occuring?" I asked. "Not much" he said knowingly. "I'm watching the world go by." I sat with him for a while. "Where's it going then" I asked. "Where's what going?" he said. "The world of course" I replied. He gave me one of his withering looks, so I decided to press on.

In the distance, I could hear a tinkling bell - must be Quasimodo I thought. He's as mad as a hatter - driven insane by the little bell on his collar. I've told you all about him before. I wandered off to see if I could get any sense out of him. He came towards me at great rate of knots. "What's up with you" I shouted at him. "About half past ten" he said as he dashed past. I forgot to tell you he is deaf as well. I eventually found him hiding under a bush. "Get down here quickly" he said "or they will see you." "Who" I asked "The firemen" he said nervously, "They are chasing me, can't you hear the bells?" Next minute, a phone rang in a nearby house, and he was off like a flash - saved by the bell I thought!

A bit further along the wall, I heard a loud noise like the sound of a dustbin lid falling on to the ground. Hurtling down the garden came Mad Harry carrying a tasty fishbone, and Slasher Sid covered in what was once a nourishing meat stew, closely followed by an irate red faced woman with a bucket of water. Presumably she was bringing them something to drink after their lunch - how thoughtful. When things calmed down they told me that they had been sampling the delights of her bin and she had taken umbrage.

Now as we know from past missives, it is very sensible to keep on the right side of Harry and Sid - if you know what I mean. Rumour has it that they were trapped once and taken to the local cat and dog home, but after a few days they were thrown out for attacking a Rottweiller! Clearly not to be messed with. You never know when their services might be required, so I told them that they must pop round to our place some time, and have a good ferret around in our bin. I bid them farewell. I had this strange feeling that I should return home, call it a sixth sense if you like, all us cats have it - hunger it's called. Time for lunch.Well that's my lot for today. When I got back, "My poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" were in the garden playing with my crocuses. "Make sure you leave some for me to dig up" I told them. The first daffodils have started to appear. They reminded me of what happened to the nasty little Jack Russell last year. It was stupid enough to swallow a daffodil bulb and made itself ill. It was rushed to the vets, and never being slow to spot an opportunity to extract cash, the vet said that they would have to keep the dog in for observation. "How long for" cried the owner. "Don't worry" said the vet, "it will be out in the Spring." Ho Ho Ho.. Oh please yourselves! AlbertThe(wandering)Cat.

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Bert is Resting..

After the recent trials and tribulations (see below), I am enjoying a well earned kip. I will be back tomorrow. Regards, Bert.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

An Appointment with the Devil......

What a day! What a day! We've just got back from our visit to see "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year." Thank goodness that's all over for a little while - a year probably. I had second thoughts this morning, and decided to make a run for it. As the appointment was this afternoon, I thought it best to wait until after lunch - I mean there's no point in missing out on a meal is there. So I played it very casual by loafing around on the settee. I could see "the one I don't trust" looking very smug. "I don't think they know what is going on" he said to "the pretty one." Just to be on the safe side, I moved closer to the flap.

Just before lunch, he put his coat on and went out of the front door. Excellent I thought, just time for a short nap before I'm off. What a sly and deceitful person he is. Unbeknown to me it was all part of his grand plan. He crept around the side of the house, and blocked the flap from the outside. How underhand can you get - I was trapped. Oh he did look pleased with himself when he came back in. I was furious, and dived for cover under the stairs. "There's no escape now" said Ginger Tail. "Best give in gracefully."Unfortunately she was right, so cometh the hour, we were all unceremoniously crated up. It really is most undignified. We soon arrived at this seedy looking establishment - it smells most unpleasant. The hard faced receptionist pointed us in the direction of the waiting room, checking only that "the one I don't trust" had remembered his wallet! Do you know, there were even dogs waiting in the queue. What is this world coming to. When it was our turn, the three of us were taken into the inner sanctum where "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" plies his evil trade. "Let's have the troublemaker" he said sadistically. That's good I thought, Tabby is going first. But no, I was dragged out of my box on to the table. I'll give him troublemaker. I must be one of his more important clients, because I noticed the words "WATCH THIS ONE" in big red letters on my file. "Is he overweight" said "the pretty one." The sweaty little failed medic prodded me about and said "yes he definitely is." Outrageous I thought, I demand a second opinion. "You're fat" chuckled Tabby from inside his box.Time for the jab - do you know it was all over before I had time to bite him. I can't understand what the fuss was all about. "Does it hurt" asked "the pretty one." "Only when I give you my bill" he replied with a wicked grin on his face.

Now here is the funny part, when Tabby and Ginger Tail were done, he said that they were overweight as well. Mind you, he can talk - looks like he's shifted a few pies in his time! Anyway, he then went on to say even though I am the heaviest, in actual fact, the other two are proportionately fatter than me, because I am a much bigger cat - strong and muscular I think he meant to say. So there's a turn up for the book. All that was left, was to pay the bill. "The one I don't trust" went pale when he saw it. As we left, he was mumbling something about whether they wanted the shirt off his back as well. No idea what they would do with that.Well, that's your lot for today. You will be pleased to know, that we are safely back home. Before going for a stroll, I had a few well deserved prawns. When I got outside, I noticed a new sign on the next door neighbours gate "Beware of the Dog" it said. I nearly fell over laughing - I mean, it is only a silly little Jack Russell - perhaps the owner's worried that someone might trip over it! What a Life! AlbertThe(immune)Cat.

Monday, 22 February 2010

Star of Stage and Screen......Possibly!

What a lousy day! I hope the weather is better where you are - it is tipping down here. Most unpleasant. I have hardly been out of the house. I would consider moving to warmer climes, if only I knew where they were.

Me and Tabby were rudely awoken at the crack of lunchtime by "the one I don't trust." Crashing and banging about he was, as he struggled to get the cat boxes out from the back of the cupboard. He was using some very choice language, when he thumped, what he laughingly calls his head, on a shelf. "Ow" he said, followed by some further words I've never heard before. Oh how I laughed! This is all part of the preparation for our trip tomorrow to see "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year."We better not let them see the boxes" he said, "or they will realise something is wrong." I give up on him I really do. It's a pity they haven't got a vaccine for stupidity - if they had, we could get him done while we're there tomorrow. I've decided to ignore the whole shabby proceedings for the time being although I still intend to make things as difficult as possible for him.Due to the rotten weather, I've spent some time watching telly recently. I saw an episode of Postman Pat, starring Jess, the black and white cat. I could have played that part, it was made for me. Never mind, I wonder if they need a stunt double? There was an old Tom and Jerry cartoon. That Tom is the same colour as me, and lets be honest here - he is useless. The damn mouse runs rings round him. He even comes off second best with the dog, Spike, that lives next door. Surely they could have got a more clued up cat. If they ever do a remake, I must be in the frame for the lead role - Bert and Jerry, has a nice ring to it don't you think.Do you know, I reckon the same dumb cat that plays Tom, also plays Sylvester in the long running feud with Tweety Pie. He looks a bit like me as well. "I tort I saw a puddy tat....." well, let me tell you, that silly little yellow bird wouldn't see me coming! "Thufferin' Thuccotash" indeed! I think us black and white cats get a raw deal you know - why are we always portrayed as being stupid and gullible. "What do you mean, very life-like! Who said that?" How rude. It is discrimination, that's what it is. Even Scratchy loses out to Itchy. We need some positive role models? I think I should put myself forward, after all, a film of the life story of a literary cat, like what I am, is bound to be a blockbuster. I could write the screenplay myself, and play the lead role. I can see it now, the bright lights, the red carpet covered in cat hair, the Oscars, what ever they are, celebrity interviews.........

Well that's my lot for today. I have lots to do. I wonder which film studio would be interested - 20th Century Puss, or Purramount. It would have to be filmed in black and white of course, Ho Ho Ho... What a life! AlbertThe(star struck)Cat.

Friday, 19 February 2010

Taking Liberties........

What a start to the day! You won't believe it. "The housekeeping staff" only managed to run out of our cat biscuits. What an outrage. "The one I don't trust" was dispatched to the shop with utmost haste to rectify the situation. While he was gone, I popped over next door and sure enough, there was a bowl of biscuits in the garden for the nasty little Jack Russell that lives there. Well, any port in a storm - they were quite tasty. I'd only managed a few when the damn thing started yapping away, so I made a swift exit. Unfortunately I now have this strange desire to chase sticks! Do you know, I heard the nasty thing's owner complaining, that it had started chasing everyone on a bike - she should take his bike away, that's what I say! Anyway, to put your minds at rest, the great biscuit famine is now over, and things are back to normal - well what passes for normal round here.There has been some more distressing news. All three of us are now definitely booked in for our booster jabs next Tuesday. This time, I heard it with my own ears, so I don't have to rely on "my poncy brother" for duff information. I was snoozing on the settee when"the one I don't trust" made the phone call to book us in. "Do you think Bert understood that" he chuckled as he put the phone down. What's with this "Bert", I don't remember giving the staff permission to be so familiar! Of course I understood - does he think I'm stupid! Us cats have very sensitive hearing - I can detect a fridge door opening from miles away. After the previous shambles when I spent the whole weekend hiding under the bed, I've decided to adopt new tactics. I'm going to be brave and accept the inevitable. If I'm good, there may be a treat in it for me afterwards - a few juicy prawns I expect.

Well what shall we chat about today then? I need to take my mind off the needles! I know, I discovered this recently, when they were sorting out our vaccination cards. They left the file open, and I was ferreting about inside and I found something very interesting indeed. Do you know, I've been microchipped! It appears I have my very own satellite navigation system, or something similar. I wonder how they did it, and where it is. If only I knew how to turn it on, it could be handy. If I programmed in a stroll round my patch, it would give me directions. "Turn right outside back door, climb up fence on to shed roof, jump on to back wall, proceed along wall, turn left at apple tree, jump into neighbours flowerbed, TURN BACK, TURN BACK, path blocked by Jack Russell." Oh yes, I can see it now.

"It doesn't work like that" said Tabby. "If we get taken to a cat rescue place, they can tell where we come from." What use is that I thought, I know where I come from. The more I think about this, the more worrying it becomes. Can they trace us as we wander about? I don't want the staff knowing what I get up to each day - they would be horrified! It must be an infringement of my animal rights - whatever they are! "You mean civil liberties" said Tabby, "animal rights are all about animal testing." Animal tests - I don't like the sound of that, I might get all nervous and give the wrong answers.Well that's my lot for today. I'm going to have a restful weekend ahead of what promises to be a very stressful week. Our appointment with "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" is looming. He always wanted to be a doctor you know, but he didn't have the patience - get it - patients. Oh I give up..... What a Life! AlbertThe(stressed)Cat.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Best of Breed!

I've decided to forget about the dreaded appointment with "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year." Don't worry though, you won't miss a thing - as soon as there is any news I will report back. Something rather interesting has cropped up. I was dozing in the chair, while "the one I don't trust" was reading the paper. "Look here" he said "there's a cat show on this weekend, shall we enter our lot?" and then he fell about laughing. "I wonder if they've got a category for cutest looking cat, we could enter Ginger Tail" said "the pretty one." "Yes, and we could stick Bert in the heavyweight division" he replied wiping the tears from his eyes.

Very droll I thought. He has got a childish sense of humour. When he went out, he left the paper open, and I took a look. There was a list of breed categories - now let me see Abyssinian, some more A's that I've never heard of, Birman, Burmese, a load of funny sounding C's, Donskoy - bald as a coot, Egyptian. Wait a minute, they've missed out the F's. I think F comes after E, well it did last time I looked. There's no Feral category - a surprising omission. Now being a pure bred pedigree Feral, I was most put out. Only one thing to do I thought - go and see wise Old Black Tom - he is the fount of all knowledge.I found him in his usual place, on the back wall, having a good scratch and watching the world go by. "Breed standards my boy" he said knowingly. "A list of characteristics for each breed - the judges use them to score the entrants. A bit like a product specification" he said. "What does the one for Feral say then" I asked. "Don't think anyone has ever bothered to write one" he replied. What an oversight I thought - "perhaps you should think about writing one" said Old Black Tom in a strangely high pitched voice. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought he was stifling a chuckle. What an excellent idea.

Right, I've found a standard on the internet for a Siamese - scrawny looking thing if you ask me, looks like it could do with a good meal. Anyway, I can use it as a template. Now lets just get settled down in front of the mirror and get started:-
  • GENERAL - The overall appearance of the Feral must be cat like. That should stop dogs entering! It will also rule out a few of those strange looking cats up on the dump where I came from.
  • PEDIGREE - Should definitely have a mother, and the father should be narrowed down to any one from no more than five.
  • COLOUR - Black and white varieties take precedence over all others, especially common or garden tabbies like my "poncy brother." Dum looking ginger tailed things should be disqualified.
  • PATTERN - Coat patterns can be variable, but a handsome little black beard is highly desirable.
  • COAT - Long haired varieties are preferable. Made up of hair, which should detach itself by the handful, when brought into contact with furniture and carpets.
  • HEAD - An essential requirement. Preferably only one, and should be located at the forward end. A mouth is present at the very front, and this is where the food goes. The mouth also contains teeth, for nipping with, to keep staff under control.
  • BODY - The body is found behind the head. Usually the length will exceed the width, but in some "well developed" specimens this may be touch and go! A good rule of thumb, is the bigger the better.
  • EARS - Usually in pairs located one on each side of the head. Often one may be missing as a result of past skirmishes. Should not be marked down for this feature.
  • EYES - Again, usually in pairs, situated at front of head, often, but not always level with each other. A range of colours have been observed, often in the same cat.
  • LEGS - Four in total, two at the front and two at the back, located at each corner. Two different variants, specifically designed for front and rear ends. Ideally matching pairs should be observed. A paw is appended to the end of each leg. In superior specimens, six toes will be found on each paw.
  • TAIL - When a feral enters the room, this is the last bit to arrive. Found at the opposite end to the head. In some lesser breeds, such as the Manx, this feature is entirely missing. Slightly shorter versions, especially if teeth marks are present at the tip should not be marked down. Colours must co-ordinate with rest of coat with long black bushy ones scoring highest.
That should do the job. Do you know, I reckon I would score rather well, clean up in fact. I wonder if I can get "the housekeeping staff" to enter me. I can see it now, cat food commercials, late night chat shows - fame and fortune beckons.

Well that's your lot for today. Do you know, there is a breed of cat called a German Rex - probably a cat that looks like a daschund! What a life! AlbertThe(thoroughbred)Cat.

Monday, 15 February 2010

On The Run - Nearly......

What a weekend I’ve had! I’ve been hiding under the bed since Friday. I only popped out for essentials like breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner, supper and snacks. Oh, also for a good dig in the garden, and a few naps by the fire. Apart from these rare occasions I’ve been under the bed all the time. You should see the state of things down here, dust, fluff, hair – enough hair in fact to build another cat. What on earth do I pay "the housekeeping staff” for? Actually I don’t pay them anything but that is not the point.

Why am I in hiding, you ask. You’ve not been paying attention over the last week or so have you? We are due to go for our booster jabs tomorrow. I have been deserted by my treacherous "poncy brother" and "my stupid sister." I am lying low until later, when I plan to make good my escape. I have devised a cunning plan. Tonight, after they have blocked the flap up to trap us in the house, I'm going to cover myself in soot from the chimney, and then under the cover of darkness, stopping only for supper, I reckon I can squeeze out of the bathroom window, scramble down the drainpipe on to the shed roof and then off and away over the garden wall.Wait a minute, I can hear giggling - wonder what that's all about? It's only Tabby and Ginger Tail, I wonder what they are up to? "What a daft idea" said Tabby, "can we watch - it should be good for a laugh!" I hate him, I really do! "You won't be laughing tomorrow when you are crated up and taken to be stabbed!" I replied. "Oh yes we will" said Ginger Tail, "we're not going tomorrow, it is not until later in the week." "What! - you told me it was tomorrow - do you mean I've spent the whole weekend under the bed for nothing?" I said furiously. "We know" sniggered Tabby, "it was just a stab in the dark, we made it up - it was our little joke!" "You backstabber" I cried. Oh how they laughed. I hate him, I really do!Apparently, the card from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year," just said call to make an appointment, and as far as we know they haven't done so yet - well that's what Tabby tells me. I don't know who to believe. What is the world coming to when you can't trust your own flesh and blood. I mean, I would never do anything as devious as that. I hope the needle's blunt when it's their turn.

Well that's my lot for today. The whole weekend under the bed for nothing - can you believe it. "I am just going outside, and I may be some time" - I think Captain Oates said that. No, it couldn't have been him, there's no one else here. Wonder what did become of him though. Apparently they took a cat with them on the expedition south. Not sure how he got on with the huskies, but I bet he enjoyed chasing the penguins. His name was Snowy, on account of him being all white. He is in lots of the photographs, but is very difficult to spot! He was the first pole cat! "What do you mean it's a rotten joke" - it's the best I can manage, I'm not in a very jovial mood. What a life! AlbertThe(absconding)Cat.

Thursday, 11 February 2010

The Great Escape!

There has been some terrible business here today. You'll never guess what has happened. Our confidence yesterday that "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" had forgotten about us was totally misplaced. The appointment card arrived in the post this morning. Before I could do anything, "the one I don't trust" picked it up and said "they've got to go to the vet for their boosters next week - that'll cost me an arm and a leg!" How mean can he be? Surely it is a small price to pay for having me live with him! Anyway, if I have my way, I'll save him a few bob by doing a runner.

Now, should I let "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" in on it, or should I just leave them in complete ignorance. Probably the latter, after all, I don't want them spooking the staff. If they block the flap up too soon, it will foil my escape. "Have you heard" said Tabby as he walked past, "we are booked in for our jabs next week." I was aghast! "How do you know that?" I said. "Oh they were talking about it earlier - apparently it is on Tuesday, and they plan to shut us in on Monday night." said Tabby - "Ginger Tail knows as well, we weren't going to tell you." What a treacherous, deceitful brother I have - I hate him I really do.Anyway, this is no time for fighting amongst ourselves. That can wait until afterwards. In our hour of need, we must stand together for the common good. I immediately summoned a meeting of the escape committee on the back step. "Any bright ideas?" I said. "Yes" said Ginger Tail, "why don't we just go and get it over with - they always catch us in the end". "I think she's right" said Tabby. Well, I couldn't believe my ears at such defeatist talk. Clearly I needed to rally the troops.

"We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in the kitchen, we shall fight on the bed, we shall fight in the lounge, with growing confidence and hissing and spitting, we shall defend ourselves, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the settee, we shall fight on the landing and on the stairs; we shall never surrender."

Stirring stuff eh? "No, I think we should give up" said Tabby. "You can always hide up the chimney like you did last year" sniggered Ginger Tail. There was no need to bring that up! "What happened" I hear you cry. It was most unfortunate, I'm sure it had been made narrower, anyway I became wedged in. "The one I don't trust" wanted to leave me there until I had lost a few pounds - eventually he had to stick his hand up and drag me out by the scruff of the neck - I was covered in soot! Oh how he laughed! Black cats weren't lucky for him though - I took a lump out of his thumb.So, it looks like I am on my own. I think I'll clear off now, or shall I wait until after supper. I think I'll wait until after the weekend - after all, it is very cold outside. Maybe I'll dig a tunnel.

Well that's my lot for today. Did I tell you what happened last time we went to see "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year?" Well, "the one I don't trust" asked if there was anything he could do to stop us purring. "Why do you want to do that" said the vet. "Because relatives are visiting, and I don't want them to think we are pleased to see them!" What a nasty piece of work he is! What a life! AlbertThe(Houdini)Cat.

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

The Times They are a Changing!

Greetings folks and fellow cats. Still no sign of the appointment card from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year". The postman came and went this morning with no sign of it - they've probably forgotten about us by now. I reckon our very swift shredding of the original may have nipped this outrage in the bud. I think we can relax - I may stand down the guard. At the end of the day, us cats are just a little too clever.

Talking of buds, I heard some very worrying news on the telly last night. Something about Spring arriving 11 days early this year. Whose idea was that? Why can't these damn scientists just leave things as they are - I was quite happy with the existing arrangements. What a load of rubbish I thought, but there it was in black and white on the BBC website. So, this morning I went out into the garden to investigate. Now, we all know a snowdrop appeared recently - I soon put a stop to that - Ho Ho Ho.... Well, another one has appeared, along with some yellow crocuseseses, or whatever they are called. Now I've checked back in my diary, and it appears that it was nearing the end of February before I swatted my first crocus last year!

There must be some truth in this nonsense after all. My initial thought was - "what the heck, time for a nap," and I was wandering back to bed when something most disturbing hit me. The article referred to the food chain being disrupted. Apparently bees and the like can't be bothered to get up early to do what ever they do to the flowers, the upshot being no fruit and seeds. Now as I never eat fruit and seeds, I don't see what concern this is of mine. However, it then went on to say that even those at the top of the food chain will be effected. Now, I can assure you that round here, no one comes higher in the food chain than yours truly!! Must be why my prawns were late this morning. I must go and wake up all the bees - lazy little perishers.And another thing, where have those 11 days gone - do we get them back, or are they lost forever. I think we should be told, I mean someone must have them somewhere! What will they do with them - I bet they add them back on when we're not looking. Probably tag them on to the Winter. Is my birthday 11 days earlier - am I 11 days older? Have I missed out on 11 breakfasts, dinners and suppers - not to mention the accompanying snacks? Mark my words, no good will come of it. Things like time should be left well alone. Where will it end? If they keep making things earlier, I will have to get up before I go to bed! Aaaaggggghhhhhhhh.......... my brain is hurting! I must rest it.That's my lot for today. I'm off for a lie down in a darkened room. I bet they blame it all on global warming they usually do! Well tell me this then, if Spring is earlier and things are hotting up, why is it snowing outside? Answer that one then - not so clever now are you! What a life! AlbertThe(most distressed)Cat.

Monday, 8 February 2010

That Newton Chap Has a Lot to Answer For..........

Well, here we are then. Monday again. Don't they come round quickly - the last one only seems about a week ago. I hope you all had a nice weekend. I had a very restful time, hardly got out of bed. We were all up bright and early this morning though to keep watch for the postman. Still no sign of the reminder card from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year," so we can relax for another day.

I'm keeping a low profile at the moment. I was walking around on the kitchen tops early this morning before "the housekeeping staff" surfaced - all part of my daily inspection of the premises you understand. I feel it is my duty to make sure everything is in order - and also of course to see if they have left anything worth eating lying around. Quite often there are rich pickings to be had, especially if they have been too lazy to clear up last night's meal before bed. Anyway, while I was there, I was having a quick drink from the sink and lost my balance. As I stumbled, my tail caught a vase of flowers which crashed on to the floor. You can imagine the commotion. I was off and out the flap like a robbers dog, if you will pardon the expression."The one I don't trust" came blundering down the stairs - "Ow" he said as he stubbed his toe in the dark. He then proceeded to use some very strange words - he must be learning French! Oh how I laughed - from a safe distance of course. "My poncy brother" was slow out of the blocks and was spotted exiting the flap - now hopefully they will put two and two together and come up with five, and he will be in the frame. No prawns for him today I bet, unless he ingratiates himself with "the pretty one."Just to be on the safe side, I am hiding under the bed - it was too cold outside. Why did the vase fall off? I blame that Isaac Newton fellow for inventing gravity. Before him, I expect the vase would have floated gently down to the ground. He has got a lot to answer for - I hope that apple landing on his bonce gave him a rotten headache. Now if cats had invented gravity, it would stop about two feet above the ground. Also, without gravity, us cats would be able to fly - we could have caught all the birds by now. I have attempted flying. I can do it downwards, but upwards is much more difficult - the best I have managed is about a second before being brought back down to earth with a nasty bump!

Now before I go, I have just noticed something strange about my blog - "there's an awful lot of strange things about his blog if you ask me!" What? How rude, who said that? No, seriously I have noticed text and pictures up the right hand side that have got nothing to do with me - advertisements! How did they get there? Looks like they were written by a bloke called Adsby Google - what a funny name. He must have hacked into my site. I've had a quick look at a few of them - do you know they keep changing. There's all sorts of rubbish encouraging the "housekeeping staff" to buy shoddy products for us cats. I'd steer well clear if I was you.

Well, that's my lot for today. Adsby must think that you folks who look at this stuff I churn out are a rum lot! There was an advert earlier for people with a "drink problem" - whatever that is. Drinking is easy, apart from nearly falling into the sink this morning that is. What a life! AlbertThe(gravity defying)Cat.

Friday, 5 February 2010

On Her Majesty's Service...

Hello - just a very short posting. I wasn't going to do one today, but I knew you would all be worrying about our impending set-to with "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year." I had both Tabby and Ginger Tail stationed by the window this morning waiting for the postman, but there was still no sign of the appointment card. All he delivered was the usual rubbish.
"The one I don't trust" must be more important than I thought, because he had a letter from The Queen, a brown envelope from Her Majesty's Government inviting him to send money. Times must be hard - the global recession, whatever that is, must be starting to bite. I took the precaution of shredding the letter as for some reason the brown ones always seem to make him angry. The last one he got sent him into a state of near apoplexy - he went off on a foul mouthed diatribe about begging letters and squeezing blood out of stones. Apparently they think he is a charity and he has to pay for a bunch of "ne'er do wells, skivers, lickspittles and wasters" all out of his own pocket. I'd have thought looking after us would have been enough for him! He even suggested that he should send them the shirt off his own back - what a kind and noble gesture!

There was another letter for "the pretty one" telling her that she had been fortunate enough to win a prize in the Swaziland National Lottery, and all she had to do was call this telephone number and send a sum of money, in cash to a place called PO Box - wonder where that is? I had no idea she even entered such things. I smelt a rat at first, but then I'm always doing that - Ho Ho, just a little joke for you other cats out there. Seriously though, I soon realised it was genuine, because it said that the money was only to cover their legitimate expenses, so that's alright then, and the telephone number was premium rate - yes premium rate, not ordinary rate, but premium, and the call could last up to fifteen minutes. Obviously they have an awful lot of good news to tell her. She must have won a very big prize. Perhaps she will buy us all presents. Probably best that I don't shred this letter.

Well, that's my lot for today. I'm running out of time. It's been a very busy day, and I can't hang around here chatting away to you lot. Do you know I even missed my afternoon nap - I slept right through it. I hope you all have a nice weekend - see you next week. What a Life! AlbertThe(taxing)Cat.

Thursday, 4 February 2010

The Origin of Species According to Bert!

Hello folks. Things are still very tense around here. All three of us were waiting for the postman this morning, but fortunately there were no further reminders from "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year" about our dreaded appointment. We must remain vigilant at all times - I wouldn't put it past him to phone up. Mmm.... I wonder if I can chew through the telephone cable? Best get Tabby to do it in case it's dangerous. Anyway, enough of this, I feel very tired today. Only got up for breakfast, and that wasn't much to speak of, a small hand full of prawns - I don't usually get out of bed for less than a dozen! "How can you be tired, you've only just got up?" I hear you say. Us cats need our sleep - did you know, that often we spend up to 23 hours a day kipping, napping, or otherwise dead to the world. If I didn't get up early, I would never fit it all in.Once the postman had cleared off, I decided to go for a wander round my patch - thought a breath of fresh air might do me good. The garden looks very scruffy at this time of year, needs a good tidy up if you ask me. No one has asked me mind, but if they did, then that is what I would tell them. Have to get "the one I don't trust" on the job. I don't know what on earth he does with himself all day. Why do all the leaves disappear in the winter? One of life's little mysteries. I reckon it's to make it easier for us cats to see the birds. Probably back in the mists of time before humans had evolved to look after us, we had to fend for ourselves, and as food may have been a bit scarce in the winter, the great pussy cat in the sky decided to to blow away all the leaves so that we could see the little perishers.Now pay attention here, because I am going to let you in on something - did you know, humans were monkeys once? Yes, monkeys. Can you believe it - well, yes you can can't you. I mean there is a remarkable similarity. By the look of them, I reckon some folks evolved from monkeys a lot later than others. Take my lot, probably about five or six years ago, before my time. I'm sure I would have remembered something like that happening. I have it on good authority that they are going to change into pigs next, in fact it may already have started - when "the one I don't trust" came in the other night after a few drinks with his pals, he went to sleep in front of the telly and made some awful grunting noises. I'm sure I heard "the pretty one" call him a swine. This is all a bit worrying, because I don't think pigs can work a can opener - we could be back to fending for ourselves.Anyway, I've started to ramble on again - back to my stroll. I noticed that quite a few Spring flowers have braved the weather and have put their heads above the parapet. These must be the ones that escaped my digging frenzy in the Autumn when I played hunt the bulb with "the one I don't trust". Oh how I laughed, hours of endless fun - I think he must have enjoyed it as well, although you wouldn't have known it - miserable so and so! After the unfortunate incident with the snowdrop last week, it is probably best that I let them grow a bit more before I play with them, after all, I'm sure that is what they are for. You can see that in addition to my main hobby, ornithology, I also take a keen interest in horticulture.Well that's my lot for today. I'm off to check that the "housekeeping staff" haven't turned into anything else while my backs been turned. Better take a look in the mirror to make sure I'm still a cat - you can't be too careful. The only thing I'm planning to turn into in the near future is my bed. Can probably make time to fit in a spot of supper first. What a life! AlbertThe(evolving)Cat.

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

The Cat's Out The Bag!

Have you all missed me? No! Not any of you! I don't know why I bother. "The one I don't trust" went away yesterday, and do you know what, he only took my computer with him. What a cheek. Anyway, I'm back.

We had a bit of "a do" over the weekend. "My poncy brother" developed a pronounced limp(L-I-M-P, pronounced limp) which gradually got worse. Oh, you should have seen the fuss he made. He will do anything for a bit of sympathy. "The pretty one" was all over him - you'd think he was at deaths door. She even gave him extra prawns - sometimes even I am astonished at just how gullible she can be. I had a good look at him, and all I could see was a small cut on his rear offside leg - a minor scratch. No comparison with my old war wound that I never talk about. "Oh no, he's not going to start rambling on about that again is he?" Who said that? Have I told you about it before then? Surely not - I don't like to mention it.Apparently Tabby had been doing a bit of ratting, and one of the smaller ones nipped him - oh how I laughed. Yesterday, there was talk of taking him to see "the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year." This raised my hopes, that perhaps it wasn't quite so trivial after all. "The one I don't trust" was against the idea - all he was worried about was being relieved of more of his cash. "Give it a few days," he grumbled "he has to go and have his booster soon, we can kill two birds with one stone". What a mean man. Unfortunately my hopes have been dashed, as this morning Tabby seems to be on the mend. However, he does still have to go and have his jabs, so there is still something amusing to look forward to.This brings us on to the very serious business of the day. "Don't know what you're laughing at" said Ginger Tail as she walked past. "All our jabs are due at the same time - if his is due, then so are ours!" She's right you know, she's not so stupid after all. The awful truth dawned - it only seems a year since we last went. As the words were leaving her lips, the post came through the door, and there lying on the mat was a threatening letter from said bloke who sticks needles in us, telling "the housekeeping staff" that under pain of dire retribution and in exchange for an inordinate sum of money we are required to attend his seedy establishment for our booster vaccination and annual health check later this month! The cat was out of the bag, so to speak. How can a failed medic run such a scam - in any other walk of life it would be considered extortion and he would be banged to rights!

Annual health check - I don't like the sound of that - they are bound to weigh me. I did notice, that my due date is three days after the other two. I managed to escape last year before they crated me up - one of life's little triumphs. They got me next time though - despite my iron willpower, I succumbed to their dirty underhand trickery - they put a handful of prawns in the cat carrier. I have shredded the card so at least I've delayed the dreaded moment. They are bound to send another one.Well, that's your lot for today. I have important matters to attend to. I have to devise a rota for the three of us to keep guard on the letterbox. Before that, I think I will limp over to see "the pretty one" - should be worth a prawn or two. What a life! AlbertThe(needle phobic)Cat.