Warning - Cats Can Seriously Improve Your Health!

Hello – I’m back again. Sorry about the last few days – I was going to tell you a little story yesterday, but by the time I woke up from my afternoon nap, I had a big decision to make. Should I turn over and go back to sleep, or should I write my blog. Anyway, I had a really good kip. Now, what was I going to write about??? Oh yes, I remember. Did you know that a family pet can improve the quality of life for the people they live with? Not only that, but medical science has shown that these folks also lead longer and healthier lives. I heard all this while I was dozing in front of the telly the other evening.

It was an interesting programme, only interrupted by cynical comments from “the one I don’t trust”. Hair on the furniture, fleas, furballs, eats us out of house and home, were just a few of the more repeatable remarks he made. Clearly he doesn’t appreciate the benefits of having me around the place. The gist of the story is that having animal companions - cats and dogs in particular results in both emotional and physical well-being. Now, I’m sure the mention of dogs, is political correctness gone mad. I mean to say we all know what a damn nuisance those things are, especially that nasty little Jack Russell that lives next door – always yapping away.So, we will ignore dogs, and assume they were really talking about cats. Here are just a few of the apparent benefits of having someone like me living with you.

• Lower blood cholesterol levels – makes perfect sense. They came up with some clever medical explanation, but the real reason is obvious. Shellfish, and prawns in particular are a rich source of cholesterol. In this house I shift all the prawns that are put in front of me, so there are very few left for anyone else. I could do even more to help if only they would let me.
• Lower blood pressure – the last time they tried to put me in a cat carrier to go to see “the bloke who sticks needles in me once a year,” I got rather annoyed, and managed to claw and bite “the one I don’t trust”. His arm was leaking all over the place, so it stands to reason that if he has less blood inside him, then the pressure will drop – pretty basic stuff really.
• Quicker recovery from illness - clearly, if they have me to look after, they can't loaf around in bed all day feeling sorry for themselves can they? Imagine if they were unable to supply me with prawns - I would leave wouldn't I, and they wouldn't want that!
• Higher survival rate after serious illness - a study has shown that heart attack patients are more likely to be alive a year after they discharge from hospital. It would be very poor form if they keeled over and left us unattended. We give them the will to live.
• Fewer doctor visits - apart from the occasional tetanus shot after one of our little altercations, I don't see any need for "the one I don't trust" to go at all.
• Reduced loneliness - I have my staff go out to the shops on a frequent basis to stock up on essential supplies - prawns, etc. The perfect opportunity to meet people. I am always thinking of them aren't I?
• Pet therapy programmes - in nursing homes cats are credited with enabling elderly patients to reach out beyond their own pain and isolation and start caring about the world around them again. Stops them being selfish and moping around thinking of nobody but themselves.
• Less depression - fancy that, us cats are anti-depressants - Prozac on legs!
  
• Aids childhood development - not sure about this one. I hate kids. When our "nosy neighbours" last popped round with their evil brood, one of them was crawling all over the place, and started eating my cat biscuits. Everyone was most put out when I hissed and spat at him. Well, I had to put my paw down. Apparently he started bed-wetting again as a result of the shock. Most unusual in a sixteen year old - just my little joke, he's twelve actually!
  

Well that's your lot for today. I leave you to ponder upon the above - no home is complete without a cat. Now, if any of you out there are feeling a bit poorly and are deficient in the cat department, then I have a couple of spares that I can let you have - "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" are both available for immediate shipping at a very reasonable price. What am I bid for the pair? What a life! AlbertThe(health-giving)Cat.

"Ask Not What Bert Can Do For You........."

Only one more day of voting left, and things are looking very good indeed. By all accounts I have a substantial lead. I think the new campaign slogan that I announced yesterday has made all the difference. We just need to guard against complacency and a last minute surge in the polls for either of the rival candidates - "my stupid sister" and "my poncy brother". So if you still haven't voted, then there is still time - just go to the ballot box in the top right hand corner and place your click next to Albert - yes you can! yes you can!I am planning to hold my final campaign rally on top of next doors shed this evening. Come early to avoid disappointment, as space along the back wall is limited. Latecomers will have to sit in next doors garden where that nasty spiteful little Jack Russell lives. I shall be making a keynote speech outlining the main thrust of my manifesto. - "prawns for all"

"And so, my fellow cats: ask not what Bert can do for you - ask what you can do for Bert".

"Never in the field of feline conflict was so much owed by so many to Bert"

"I have a dream today - prawns for all".

These are just little tasters of the great oratory you can expect at tonight's rally. Tickets are available on the gate at the very reasonable price of just four prawns each.
After the rally, I shall undertake a whistle stop tour to the outer reaches of the constituency - from the big tall fence at one end to the row of trees at the other. This should be clear to all you other cats, as I have only recently re-marked the boundaries of my territory - if you know what I mean!!Well that's your lot for today - I know it seems a little presumptuous, but I have to go and work on my victory address, and what a belter it is. Unfortunately you will have to wait until Friday after the votes have been counted and Old Black Tom has announced the results. Don't forget you still have time to vote - yes you can! yes you can! What a life! AlbertThe(crusading)Cat.

Good Housekeeping.........

Hello again. Glad you have returned for the final posting of the week. How time flies - the start of the week only seems about five days ago. Time waits for no cat as they say. They're all getting a bit excited round here - apparently Christmas is only three weeks away. Oh what great joy! I hate Christmas. Had some blinding news this morning, we have visitors coming, staying for over a week they are. If there is one thing I hate more than Christmas it's visitors, and "my poncy brother" of course - mm... that's two things. Mustn't forget the nosy neighbours and small children, I think I hate them more than Christmas as well. Anyway, to set the record straight, let's say there are at least four things I hate more than Christmas, but I don't want any of you running away with the idea that I secretly like it.

The place will be very crowded, there is barely enough room for the five of us, and with seven, there won't be room to swing a cat! A most unfortunate turn of phrase. No idea yet what I am going to do with the visitors - I already have two "housekeeping staff" on the payroll, and they seem to just about cope. I suppose if I look on them as "temporary staff", I might be able to find something to occupy them. I mean, a lot of places take on extra staff at this time of year don't they. I'll give this some thought and report back nearer the time.

There has been a little bit of good news this morning, basic provisions have been replenished. Me, Tabby and Ginger Tail were enjoying our pre-lunch nap when the front door opened, and in blundered "the one I don't trust" carrying four rather large bags of our favourite cat biscuits. "You lot are eating me out of house and home" he said ungratefully. He can be rather mean at times. "These should last you for a few weeks" he said. "They'll do me" I thought, but what about Tabby and Gingertail?
By remarkable coincidence, about half an hour later, "the pretty one" came in from the shops. "Guess what" she said. "The supermarket had prawns on Special Offer- two for the price of one, I bought four bags". Quite a bargain I thought, but at that price I'm amazed she didn't get some for Tabby and Ginger Tail as well? All this scrimping and saving, is a false economy in the long run. I mean there is plenty of room in the freezer - "my poncy brother" and "my stupid sister" were nosing around in there the other day, and they tell me it is jam packed with things that are of no interest to anyone - frozen peas, frozen beans, bread, and all manner of useless stuff. I've no idea why! If they had a good clear out, they could get a lot more prawns in and take real advantage of this once in a lifetime offer. I sometimes wonder why I employ them. I do think, if it wasn't for their unique ability to operate a can opener, then us cats would have no need for them at all.
To my knowledge, "the one I don't trust" has cleaned out the freezer once before. I mean to say, some things had been in there for ages. I remember he called out to her "how long can you keep a chicken in the deep freeze", "about three months" she replied. "That's odd" he said "I only put one in last night and it's dead this morning" Oh how he laughed. She gave him one of her looks. Like me, she doesn't appreciate his childish sense of humour.

Well that's my lot for now. Hope you all have a nice weekend. I plan to rest - it has been quite a week. I might start work on the Christmas duty rota. With the extra seasonal staff, it should be possible to have at least one person on duty 24 hours a day. What a life! AlbertThe(equal opportunities employer)Cat.

A Wet Thursday Morning.....

I'm bored! Miserable start to the day in London - grey and wet outside. I was going to take a stroll, but don't fancy getting wet. It is a sad state of affairs, when having only been up for about an hour, the highlight of the day has already passed. For those of you that haven't guessed, that was breakfast - not bad this morning, the prawns were fresh from the freezer, just how I like them. I have the "housekeeping staff" thaw them under the hot tap for me. Don't know what to do now. Must find something to occupy myself during the endless hours that stretch out before me until lunchtime. Now what can I get up to? Let's take a look in my Filofax and see what is on the "to do" list for today:-

1. Get up - task completed.
2. Ablutions and good scratch - task completed.
   
3. Eat breakfast - task completed.
4. Steal some of Tabby's breakfast - task partly completed.
5. Post breakfast nap- task completed.
6. Another good scratch, deposit hair on furniture - task completed.
   
7. Pull a few threads out of the back of the settee - possible, but a bit risky. I might get thrown out in the rain.
8. Chase "stupid sister" round garden and knock flowerpots over - to be carried forward until rain stops.
9. Dig up bulbs and throw mud on to lawn - ditto 8.
10. a) Roll on plants and get covered in mud - ditto 8.
    b) Clean up on duvet
    
11. Feign hairball attack as "pretty one" comes downstairs. Always gets a laugh, but again likely to be thrown out.
12. Look out of window.
    
13. Procrastinate - can't be bothered. Carry forward until tomorrow.
14. Mid-morning snack.
15. Pre-lunch nap.
    
16. Eat lunch.
17. Afternoon nap.
18. Scratch.
19. Tea-time.
20. Nap.
21. Supper
22. Prowl.
23. Pre-bed snack.
24. Final scratch.
25. Bed.
    

I suppose when you look at it, there is no reason to be bored - quite a busy schedule really. Don't know where to start. Perhaps I'll go and look out the window for a while and get that ticked off. Wonder what's going on? We have a great big hole in the road outside our gate - I think the council came about a week ago, dug some pipes up and then just disappeared. I told "my poncy brother" about the hole, and he assured me that someone is looking in to it! That put my mind at rest. Can't understand why he walked off chuckling. He gets on my nerves. You know how he is always sucking up to the "pretty one". Well, he gets really jealous if she pays me any attention - can turn quite nasty in fact. I think deep down, he knows that she prefers me. Only the other day, she was taking a picture of me, to put beside her bed I expect, when quick as a flash his great big ugly mush is shoved into the shot. What's worse, "the pretty one" thought it hilarious. Dreadfully bad manners I thought, still there's no accounting for taste is there.

Nothing much else going on out there today - a few dogs taking their owners for a walk - wonder why the owners have to be on leads. Good job us cats don't have to have ours in tow all the time. Absolute chaos - I can't imagine my lot being that keen on walking along the back wall and then climbing over the shed, let alone crawling under the decking for a spot of late night mousing in the nosy neighbours garden, can you? No, I can't see us cats putting up with that sort of nonsense.

Well that's the lot for today. I'm going to see if I can squeeze in an extra unscheduled nap. It must be lunchtime soon. What a life! AlbertThe(very organised)Cat.

Good Ideas Can Seriously Damage Your Health!

Would you believe it! Would you Adam and Eve it! I've discovered that a cruel and fiendish hoax has been perpetrated upon my good self. I told you yesterday that I had detailed my "stupid sister" to spy and report back on the visit of the nosy neighbours and their ill-disciplined brood. The upshot was that despite my sylph like figure, the very serious threat of being put on a diet was back on the agenda. You can imagine the distress this caused.

Well, it now appears that Ginger Tail - "my stupid sister" thought it would be a good idea to play a little joke. Her report of the proceedings was a complete fabrication. She made the whole lot up. I smelt a rat (so to speak), when I saw her and "my poncy brother", Tabby, whispering to each other and then giggling. "What's afoot" I asked - "about twelve inches" chuckled Tabby as he dived for cover under the bed - Oh how they laughed!

Ginger Tail only let on when I bribed her with half a dozen of my reserve stash of prawns - what is this world coming to, deception and dishonesty all around. It was hard work pilfering those prawns while "the housekeeping staff" had their backs turned. They saw me eyeing them up and "the one I don't trust" said "No" in a very stern voice. All of us cats understand that when humans say "no" what it really means is "not when I'm looking".

Naturally I am livid, but at least I don't need to concern myself about the diet for the time being. In fact, prawns were in plentiful supply this morning. I've told "my stupid sister", that next time she has a good idea she could end up covered in concrete. Good ideas can be very bad for your health. I've tried to avoid having good ideas ever since my great uncle Porky, a very wise cat, told me that when you have a good idea you end up covered in concrete! He had a good idea once, he thought it was a good idea to take a nap inside a cement mixer - he woke up covered in concrete.

Do not fear, I will get my revenge on the other two. Who was it that said "revenge is a dish best served cold"? Of course, it was me, I just said it.

Well that's your lot for today. I'm off out for a stroll while the sun is still shining. Might pop over to the nosy neighbours garden for a dig. I reckon they were in on this little scam. What a life! AlbertTheCat.