It's a Dogs Life.....

Hello folks. Well, as we thought, I got the blame for the snowdrop incident. There’s no justice is there? Just you wait until the crocuses, crocuseses..., croci, whatever??? appear – I’ll get my own back then. I’ve had quite a traumatic morning, a very narrow escape in fact. Almost used up one of my nine lives. “Thank goodness you’re safe" I hear you cry? I said, “Thank goodness you’re safe" I hear you cry – must be going a bit deaf. You need to speak up a bit. Anyway, I had popped over next door to do a bit of digging. Now usually, I keep my eyes open for the nasty little Jack Russell. Well, I must have let my guard down, because the damn thing crept up on me.

The shock of it – I just got to the apple tree by the back fence, scrambled up, closely followed by said Jack Russell snapping away at my tail. We were about ten feet off the ground when the stupid mutt remembered it couldn’t climb trees, and fell backwards, landing on the ground with a satisfying thump. Unfortunately it was only stunned, and was soon back on its feet, yapping away, making one hell of a din. Eventually the owner came and dragged it away. When I got home, I was in dire need of a few prawns to aid my recovery.

I ask you, what is the point of dogs? I mean, they serve no useful purpose at all - nothing but a nuisance. What if dogs had not been invented, and nobody had ever seen one? “Marvellous” you cry – yes I know, but that’s not my point. Imagine if a boffin invented the dog today, and then someone mass produced them. How on earth would the poor salesmen be able to shift such a product? Can you imagine the sales pitch when he knocked on the door……….

“Good day to you madam, can I interest you in an exciting new product called the dog”

What does it do?

“Good question madam – it comes to live in your house”

What do I have to do with it then?

“Well, when it is raining, you just tie a piece of rope round its neck and drag it up and down the road for half an hour and get soaking wet”

Really? Is that all?

“No, No, there is much more. You feed it at least three times a day. They prefer expensive cuts of finest meat”

What does it do then?

“Quite often, it is sick on the carpet, before going out into the garden and making a most dreadful mess”

Has it got any other endearing features?

“Oh yes, plenty. It carries around small black things that make it scratch incessantly. Occasionally these leap off, and land on you, and you start scratching as well – hours of endless fun”

Mmmm. I’m not sure.

“Oh come, come madam, there’s even more. It leaves hair all over the place, allowing you to vacuum at least once a day. It emits a most unpleasant smell, especially when wet. It chews lumps out of the furniture. The de-luxe version also chases cars. You can throw a stick for it to run after”

What do I do when it brings the stick back?

“You throw it away again”

Is that it then?

“Certainly not – it makes a charming yapping sound, and occasionally bites. It has to be surgically removed from visitors legs – a touching display of affection, and last but not least, you can regularly take it to see a failed medic who will stick needles in it before relieving you of large sums of cash – HOW MANY DO YOU WANT?”

No, it would never sell. You’re far better off with a cat – clean, friendly, cheap, loyal - we’re no trouble at all are we.Well that’s my lot for today. Before I go, a little dog story – a man went in to a bar, and saw a dog. He said to the chap standing next to it, “does your dog bite?” “No" he replied. The man stroked the dog and it bit him. “Ow” he said – well he would wouldn’t he. “You said your dog doesn't bite.” “He’s not my dog” said the chap, “mine’s at home.” Oh how he laughed. What do you mean you've heard it before? What a life! AlbertThe(dog loving)Cat.

Conciousness - the short time between naps....

I hope you are all well. I'm taking things very easy. I've decided I need a bit of a rest. Life has been hectic recently, what with the Christmas festivities, our esteemed visitors, the prestigious award, nearly getting a knighthood, and then to cap it all the damn snow. It's cold and slushy outside, so I have taken to my bed. No point in pushing yourself to the limits is there. I mean, hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? If a thing is worth doing, then someone else will have done it already, so best leave it to them."My stupid sister" reckons I am just being lazy, but how little she knows. Being a well educated cat, I have of course studied Physics - whatever that is. Anyway, did you know that one of the laws of dynamics, or something similar, is that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Makes sense therefore to use as little of it as possible. I'm all in favour of conservation. While we are addressing such matters, another important law of Physics that I wholeheartedly agree with is that a body will remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of a refrigerator door.So you can see, there is a lot more to all this loafing around than meets the eye. It can be quite tiring. I wonder if "the housekeeping staff" would bring my meals to my bed - not much to ask is it. Perhaps if I let them stroke me, I mean,they do say there is no such thing as a free lunch. Personally I have never bought in to that daft idea - there is around here, as well as free breakfast, free dinner, free supper and free snacks. Quite right too. The staff should realise by now how lucky they are to have me.Well that's my lot for today. I'm going back to sleep. Hope I wake up in time for my tea. I expect I will - after all, us cats still know what is going on even when we appear to be out like a light. Oh yes, we are always alert, nothing gets past me. "Tea was served up over an hour ago." "Who said that" I asked. "Me" said Tabby, "you were asleep, we didn't like to wake you." Oh how he laughed. I hate him I really do. What a life! AlbertThe(sleepy but alert)Cat.

In the Bleak Mid-Winter......

Well what a turn up for the book. Only a couple of days ago we were discussing the merits of global warming and now, would you believe it, this morning it has started to snow. Must be a huge shock to those ring necked parakeets that have moved in. At least it should keep the ostriches at bay for a bit longer.

The big green thing outside the backdoor - garden to the uninitiated, is slowly turning white. If it carries on like this, then "my stupid sister" will be nearly invisible! All you will be able to see is two ears and a tail. I tell you what though, it is very cold on the paws. Perhaps I will put a pair of socks, no hang on two pairs of socks, on my Christmas list when I write to Santa. To make matters worse, "the pretty one" has got a a friend round for coffee. You know by now what I think of visitors - don't like them at all, so instead of being curled up in the warm, I have been stuck outside waiting for them to clear off.

Fortunately there is only a little bit of the stuff at the moment, but if we get much more the whole place could grind to a halt. Very worrying - what will happen if we get snowed in? I hope we have enough prawns and cat biscuits to keep us going. I suppose the Cats Protection people could ship in fresh supplies by helicopter - I am in regular contact through the good offices of twitter you know. I must start making contingency plans. Now, there is a small pond in one of the gardens just along the road. It is full of little fishes. Do you know, when I first saw them I was absolutely amazed - I had no idea fishes swam around in ponds did you? I thought they came in tins, just for us. So far I have been spectacularly unsuccessful in catching them. I have spent a lot of time trying, but the water is a bit too wet for my liking. What if the pond freezes over - bet it will give the little fellows a terrible headache when they come up for air!What else is there? The woman over the back wall use to be good for a few tit-bits, but she hasn't been speaking to me since I unearthed one of her prize shrubs. In fact she was most rude the last time I popped over to see her. No, I think in the short term the best bet is to be first in the food queue and try to snaffle some of Tabby and Ginger Tails grub as well as my own.

Well that's the lot for today. I'm going to stay in the warm and keep a very close eye on the food dish. If things get much worse, I will be expecting you all to send food parcels. They might even release a charity record for us - something by Cat Stevens perhaps? What a Life! AlbertThe(soon to be starving)Cat.