Friday, 29 January 2010

It's a Dogs Life.....

Hello folks. Well, as we thought, I got the blame for the snowdrop incident. There’s no justice is there? Just you wait until the crocuses, crocuseses..., croci, whatever??? appear – I’ll get my own back then. I’ve had quite a traumatic morning, a very narrow escape in fact. Almost used up one of my nine lives. “Thank goodness you’re safe" I hear you cry? I said, “Thank goodness you’re safe" I hear you cry – must be going a bit deaf. You need to speak up a bit. Anyway, I had popped over next door to do a bit of digging. Now usually, I keep my eyes open for the nasty little Jack Russell. Well, I must have let my guard down, because the damn thing crept up on me.

The shock of it – I just got to the apple tree by the back fence, scrambled up, closely followed by said Jack Russell snapping away at my tail. We were about ten feet off the ground when the stupid mutt remembered it couldn’t climb trees, and fell backwards, landing on the ground with a satisfying thump. Unfortunately it was only stunned, and was soon back on its feet, yapping away, making one hell of a din. Eventually the owner came and dragged it away. When I got home, I was in dire need of a few prawns to aid my recovery.

I ask you, what is the point of dogs? I mean, they serve no useful purpose at all - nothing but a nuisance. What if dogs had not been invented, and nobody had ever seen one? “Marvellous” you cry – yes I know, but that’s not my point. Imagine if a boffin invented the dog today, and then someone mass produced them. How on earth would the poor salesmen be able to shift such a product? Can you imagine the sales pitch when he knocked on the door……….

Good day to you madam, can I interest you in an exciting new product called the dog

What does it do?

Good question madam – it comes to live in your house

What do I have to do with it then?

Well, when it is raining, you just tie a piece of rope round its neck and drag it up and down the road for half an hour and get soaking wet

Really? Is that all?

No, No, there is much more. You feed it at least three times a day. They prefer expensive cuts of finest meat

What does it do then?

Quite often, it is sick on the carpet, before going out into the garden and making a most dreadful mess

Has it got any other endearing features?

Oh yes, plenty. It carries around small black things that make it scratch incessantly. Occasionally these leap off, and land on you, and you start scratching as well – hours of endless fun

Mmmm. I’m not sure.

Oh come, come madam, there’s even more. It leaves hair all over the place, allowing you to vacuum at least once a day. It emits a most unpleasant smell, especially when wet. It chews lumps out of the furniture. The de-luxe version also chases cars. You can throw a stick for it to run after

What do I do when it brings the stick back?

You throw it away again

Is that it then?

Certainly not – it makes a charming yapping sound, and occasionally bites. It has to be surgically removed from visitors legs – a touching display of affection, and last but not least, you can regularly take it to see a failed medic who will stick needles in it before relieving you of large sums of cash – HOW MANY DO YOU WANT?

No, it would never sell. You’re far better off with a cat – clean, friendly, cheap, loyal - we’re no trouble at all are we.Well that’s my lot for today. Before I go, a little dog story – a man went in to a bar, and saw a dog. He said to the chap standing next to it, “does your dog bite?” “No" he replied. The man stroked the dog and it bit him. “Ow” he said – well he would wouldn’t he. “You said your dog doesn't bite.” “He’s not my dog” said the chap, “mine’s at home.” Oh how he laughed. What do you mean you've heard it before? What a life! AlbertThe(dog loving)Cat.


  1. Albert I understand where you are coming from, there are some nice dogs and some not so nice. I have a 6 stitch scar on my nose as proof.

  2. Bert,
    There are dogs and there are dogs and I wish there weren't dogs because I just don't get the attention I deserve when a dog is around and their big tails sweep me across the face. Whew! What a touchy subject! Here's another dog-in-a-bar joke: A dog limps into a bar. "Can I help you," says the bartender. The dog says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

  3. oh, I has to be careful with dis one - some of my best friends on Twitter are doggies! he he - so dey really is good for something.

  4. My oh my Albert,I'm so glad you made it over the fence and saved one of your lives.. I hope you stay out of that dogs yard from now on, you can't trust a Jack Russell Terrier. Eat some prawns and sleep the whole weekend-you deserve it.

  5. I think I will resist all comments on this one. Working on the cat sales pitch for my bloggie. BOL

  6. Oops. Our comment seems to have disappeared.

    Three of us are dogs and we like them!

  7. I loved your article it has great information. I think you and your readers might be interested in another article I found, about pets and dry eyes.

  8. Well I'm a dog, albeit only a medium size one, and I'd like to protest, well, just a little bit. We are useful for LOTS of things, in fact so many things I don't know where to even start listing them all... so here's just one - How about our most important job of protecting the ones who feed the cats the prawns. BOL got ya there... By the way, I LOVE cats. x x Teagan x x