"Ask Bert" Yet Again - Even More Agony!

Hello once again, and welcome back after the Easter break. I trust you all had a nice time. I did - I had a really good kip, and feel fully refreshed and raring to go. I didn't know what to write about today so I have delved into my busy postbag. You'll all be delighted to know, that I am going to do another of my ever popular agony columns - "Ask Bert". This is where I offer advice to all you poor saps out there with personal problems who have written in seeking my wise and caring counsel. "Blimey, he's really scraping the barrel today!" Who said that, how rude! You will no doubt be aware that we have done this a couple of times before with excellent results. I don't beat about the bush. I am not afraid to give advice that no one wants to hear! So, without further ado, lets get stuck in.

Dear Bert - I am a well rounded cat, who enjoys the finer things in life. My staff look after me reasonably well, even if they are a little sparing with the fresh salmon. I really do not have a care in the world, but recently I have started to worry about my sleeping habits. I only sleep for 23 hours a day and think I may be suffering from insomnia. Please help. Your etc... Basil.

Dear Basil - Let me put your mind at rest. I have checked back through the records, and there are no known cases of a cat suffering from insomnia. Have you tried counting sheep? I tried counting prawns once, but it just made me hungry. Imagine sheep jumping over a fence.... one sheep, two sheep, three sheep, four sheep, five sheep, six shee.... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...... Where am I? What happened? I must have dropped off. I think you get my drift. Yours etc... Bert.

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Dear Bert - I am suffering from amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I may have forgotten this before. Please help. Yours etc..., name and address forgotten.

Dear whoever you are - How long have you had amnesia - probably for as long as you can remember. If I was you, I would try and forget all about it, in fact you may have done so already. There is little point in me giving you much more advice, as you will only forget it. Yours etc... Bert.

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Dear Bert - I am a snappy little Jack Russell, and I don’t usually talk to cats. However, I am being plagued by a big fat black and white one who lives next door to me. He sits on the wall, just out of my reach and hisses at me. The other day I got so angry that I went out into the road and chased someone on a bike. What should I do? Yours etc... Jack.

Dear Jack - Firstly, I am amazed that your owner lets you have a bike! Secondly, you should not insinuate that the black and white cat is fat. I suspect he is just well built. Treat the cat with respect. Perhaps if you left some of your delicious chicken pieces in the garden - next to the shed by the back wall would be good, then he may stop hissing at you. Yours etc... Bert.

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Dear Bert – I am a desperate cat who has written to you in strictest confidence twice previously. I followed your advice to the letter. Despite now being able to stand on my hind legs and pick up buns with my nose, I have failed to make the grade as an elephant. The circus owner has allowed me to stay on, but only if I keep the circus free from rodents. This brings me back to my original problem, which you diagnosed as musophobia - fear of mice. Yours etc... Name and address supplied.

Dear Anonymous - I think I recall our previous correspondence. It's you isn't it - George from Manchester. I can assure you that your identity is safe with me, as is your shameful secret. I believe you are incurable, but looking on the bright side, your predicament does at least give me the opportunity to tell my elephant joke. "What do you get if you cross an elephant with a cat? - Very nervous mice!" Ho Ho Ho. I expect you are laughing along with us and feeling better already. Yours etc... Bert.

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Dear Bert - Allow me to introduce myselves. I have a split personality. This makes life very complicated, especially at meal times. I eat all of my food, and there is none left for me. What should I do? Yours etc... Chip (and Dale).

Dear Chip (and Dale) - I think you need to shape up. The problem is all in the mind. If you came to see me, the first thing I would do is to bang your head together! You remind me of a pair of curtains - pull yourself together. Yours etc... Bert.

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Dear Bert - I have an unpleasant medical condition. My claws grow very quickly, and dig into my paws. This is bad enough, but to make matters worse, my staff take me to the vet on a regular basis to have them clipped. Is there a cure! Yours etc... Claude.

Dear Claude - I believe humans suffer from something similar called ingrown toenails - what ever that is. Let us hope it is nothing minor! I fear your condition may be hereditary. I had a friend once who had the same problem - he was told feet run in the family. Look on the bright side, I had another friend, and noses ran in his family. Yours etc... Bert.

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Well, that's my lot for today. You can only take so much of this stuff can't you. What a depressing postbag that was. Do you know, there was even a letter from a cat claiming to suffer from low self esteem - I had to tell him it was very common among losers! I'm going for a lie down. What a life! AlbertThe(compassionate)Cat.

The Big Grey Thing Outside the Back Door......

I hope you are all surviving the snow and cold weather – not really sure what I make of it. Spent a considerable amount of time yesterday chasing snow flakes, but every time I caught one it disappeared – where do they go? We had a good few inches of the stuff in the garden – it changed from “the big green thing outside the back door” into “the big white thing outside the back door.” But then this morning, it has changed again to the "big grey thing outside the back door." It is all wet and slushy, most unpleasant. The good news is that we didn't run out of essential supplies like prawns and cat biscuits.I think I've just about had enough of the snow – it is interesting to start with, but the novelty soon wears off. A bit like relatives I suppose – nice when they arrive, but after a couple of days you can’t wait to get shot of them.

I trust you all enjoyed the "agony column" from last week. I have had a mixed response. Some of you thought I was a little harsh. Well, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and as you know I am never afraid to give advice that no one wants to hear. I bet when you saw the title of today's little offering, you thought that George from Manchester had paid me a visit - Ho Ho Ho. A little joke just for my regular readers!This is a miserable time of year - not just the weather, but "the housekeeping staff" appear to have gone down with some terrible disease - swine flu I expect. "The one I don't trust" is in a bad way. Sniffing and groaning all the time, and as for coughing, he is making more noise that the nasty yappy little Jack Russell that lives next door. It really is most distressing - it kept me awake all last night. If he had any consideration, he would have gone outside and slept in the shed - he can be very selfish at times.

I have noticed though that he is working on a remedy - liberal doses of brandy. It doesn't appear to be working, but he isn't giving up just yet. "The pretty one" doesn't share his enthusiasm for alternative medicine, in fact she seems quite opposed to his methods. That's the trouble with some people, they are very stuck in their ways and not prepared to be open minded and try new approaches - homeopathy, acupuncture, alcohol, etc. Anyway, let's hope they get better soon, I'm fed up with them moping around the house. If they're too sick to go to the shops we might run out of prawns. Now that really would be serious.Oh well, that's my lot for today. I leave you to ponder on this - why do they call it swine flu? Do pigs get it? I expect they do - hence the expression "sick as a pig." Perhaps they come out in rashers! Probably not a problem, I mean most of them will be cured anyway! What do you mean, "you've heard them before." Surely not! What a Life! AlbertThe(alternative)Cat.

"Ask Bert" Again! More Agony..............

Well, as promised, we are going to do another of the ever popular “Ask Bert” agony columns today – what do you mean “oh no not that again!” This is where I offer advice to unfortunate friends who have written to me in desperation. My vast experience in counselling and my caring nature are ideally suited to helping these poor saps. Right, where shall we start – I’ve had a large postbag.

Dear Bert - I have a problem. How can I get my staff to give me more tuna. They think I should eat kibble, with tuna being a special treat. So, how do I convince them that it's healthy for me to eat just tuna? Mario da cat.

Dear Mario – Kibble? Kibble? What on earth is that? I suggest you stop eating it with immediate effect. I make a point of not eating anything that I’ve never heard of. The only exception is if I’m hungry. Now as for the tuna – once they see you wasting away, I’m sure they will try to tempt you with all sorts of nice treats. Eat the tuna, but refuse the rest. When you are suffering from malnutrition and at death’s door they will see sense. If they try to tempt you with prawns or fresh salmon, then to get rid of the stuff, you should send it to me. I’m always willing to help out in such circumstances. AlbertTheCat.

Dear Bert – I feel insignificant. Everyone ignores me. Please help. Cyril.

Dear.... mmm.... whatever your name is. I can’t be bothered. What’s next. AlbertTheCat.





Dear Bert - "My Mom's" vacations are almost over, so I'll be left at home looking out for my stepbrother and stepsisters. I'll miss Mom, but I have to find something to do between naps. Do you have any suggestions? Pirulo Furry.

Dear Pirulo Furry – what a strange name you have! I have diagnosed your problem immediately. Referring to your staff as “Mom” is the giveaway – it implies you look up to her, rather than down. Never forget, that we are in charge. They need to know their place. So, you must make “your Mom” feel guilty. Ignore her, apart from at feeding time of course. Just before she leaves for work, give her something to think about - try dumping a hairball on the carpet - never fails. If she tries to pick you up, bite her. I find a quick nip to be very effective. Keeps them on their toes. What to do while she is out? Shredding the furniture should ward off boredom. She’ll soon get the message. As for your stepbrothers and sisters, then I speak from grim personal experience – they are a complete and utter nuisance. If you do come up with any bright ideas for getting rid of them, then please let me know. AlbertTheCat.

Dear Bert – I am a “rescue cat”, and as such I don’t know how old I am and my staff seem confused as to when my birthday is. How can I find my age, and when is my birthday? Regards, Harold.

Dear Harry – it really doesn’t matter how old you are. I expect, like me you were born at a very early age. I suggest you think back to your earliest memory, probably your first prawn, think how long ago that was and add one to it – that should be near enough. The main issue is your birthday, after all we need to make sure you don’t miss out on presents. Now if you play your cards right, you should end up with two “birthdays” a year – your real one and the anniversary of being sprung from the rescue centre. The Queen has two birthdays a year, and what's good enough for her, is certainly good enough for you. Two lots of presents – can’t be bad can it? AlbertTheCat.

Dear Bert – I wrote to you recently regarding my embarrassing personal problem, which you so cleverly diagnosed as musophobia. Since taking your advice, I have taken refuge under the bed, and I think I am an elephant. In the strictest of confidence, please help. Name and address supplied.

Dear Anonymous - It’s you again isn’t it? - George from Manchester. I really do think you are a helpless case, in fact you are becoming a bit of a nuisance. Your pathological fear of mice may be incurable. I suggest you embrace your new life as an elephant. Practice standing on your hind legs and picking up buns with your nose. Once you have cracked this, run away and join a circus. AlbertTheCat.

Dear Bert – I am at my wits end. After forgetting my breakfast prawns this morning, the staff left home, and before they got to the end of the road they had a car crash. Both were taken to hospital. They were discharged after treatment and returned home to find the house had been burgled. Then he had a phone call to say that he had lost his job. As you can imagine they are distraught – what should I do? Tiddles.

Dear Tiddles – you should bite them! How dare they forget your prawns. AlbertTheCat.





Well, that’s my lot. This counselling lark is not all it is cracked up to be. One could get very depressed. Some of you cats are very mixed up. Take my brother, he's convinced he’s got everything under the sun. The only thing he doesn’t think he’s got is hypochondria. All this talk of prawns is making me hungry – I’m off. What a life! AlbertThe(caring)Cat.

2010 - What's it all about?

Well, here we are then. The New Year has arrived. Doesn't seem much different to the last one does it? Can't understand what all the fuss was about. Still, it's good to get back in the old routine. "The one I don't trust" took all the Christmas decorations down this morning. There is a definite case of double standards around here - during the last fortnight when I have pulled a few things off the Christmas Tree, I have been shouted at and chased out. This morning, he takes the whole lot down and nothing is said. I had got quite use to the tree - the little silver balls especially. I never did manage to get the strange fellow dressed in red with the white beard off of the top - not for want of trying though. The poor old tree is back out in the garden - a very sorry site, it is virtually bald - all the pointy bits fell off on to the lounge floor. Very painful when they stick in your paws. I think he has swept most of them up, but no doubt "the pretty one" will find a few he has missed!

Our esteemed visitors, the pretty one's mother and father, departed yesterday. I thought they were here to stay. I kept them on their toes by being quite friendly towards them - I could see how surprised and unsettled this made them feel - reverse psychology I think they call it - no idea what it means. Anyway, the most important thing is that the settee by the window upon which they appeared to take root, is now vacated and available again to my good self for my occasional naps. The only real downside, was that "the one I don't trust" spent so much time running around and looking after them, he neglected his primary duties, which as we all know involve caring for me and keeping me well supplied with prawns. Anyway, things were back to normal this morning - prawns on time, mind you I could have managed a few more.
I haven't got a clue what to write about today. All bound to be an anti-climax, a bit after the Lord Mayor's show really after recent triumphs - the richly deserved award for the blog and very nearly getting a mention in the New years Honours List. I think I will have to wait for the Queen's Birthday Honours for the inevitable knighthood - do you know we share the same birthdays - well near enough. One thing is for sure, I won't be letting any of you lot in on it after one of you blew the gaff last week.

Now, as we all need something to cheer us up, I thought we would do another agony column later in the week - always good for a laugh. The last one went down a storm, apart from in Manchester where poor George is still under the bed hiding from the mice. Apparently he now thinks he is an elephant! Well, you can't win them all. So, what I want you to do, is to send me in your personal problems and I will do my best to answer them for you. Remember, the more embarrassing, the better. I may even reply to dog questions, although having said that, I will probably be overwhelmed - what a mixed up bunch they are. Send your questions via the "comment" link at the bottom of this dry old posting, or via the good offices of Twitter - @AlbertTheCat or via Facebook - Albert Cat.

Well that's my lot for today. Before I go, I thought I would tell you a little story to show just how perceptive my counselling work can be. "The one I don't trust" was complaining of feeling unwell the other day - a ringing in the ears apparently. They don't have a clue do they - no one thought to ask the obvious question - "does it stop when you answer the phone?" What a Life! AlbertThe(very perceptive)Cat.

A Bird in the Hand........

Hello again one and all. Firstly, to all of you who bothered to write to me after yesterday's agony column, many thanks, and to those of you who didn't - well please yourselves. Everyone, except George from Manchester seemed to think it a true milestone in feline literary achievement and a much needed service. I can count the negative comments on the fingers of one paw - there were six of them. Did you know that me and most of my extended family are hexadactyls - oh yes, in fact my Great Uncle Porky put it to great use, and was an accomplished pianist, or so he told me. He used to tell me lots of interesting facts, and do you know what, some of them were true. Must get round to learning the piano one day - after all, I have mastered a computer keypad, and surely that can't be an awful lot different to a piano. I digress, someone thought that I showed too much sensitivity, and for the good of the poor saps who had written in I should be more forthright. Possibly a fair criticism, after all I am a very caring cat. Enough of that for the time being - we will do it again in the near future. Keep sending me your problems.

It was a nice sunny morning in London today. After "the one I don't trust" had served me up a barely adequate breakfast of small, in fact very small, prawns, I decided to indulge my hobby - birdwatching. Oh yes, I am a keen twitcher. There are all sorts of things flitting around in the garden. No idea what most of them are called. They are very difficult to catch - being able to fly is a neat trick, something that despite repeated practice, I have so far been unable to manage. I've worked out, that the best bet is to hide behind the bushes and then leap out at them. The Spring is the best time of year for this. I get "the housekeeping staff" to help. "The one I don't trust" plants lots of seeds, or bait, as I think of it, to tempt our little feathered friends. I have spotted the flaw in his cunning plan - the netting he puts over the top stops the birds getting at the bait. When he goes in I help out by pulling down all the netting, and sure enough, loads of birds arrive. Last time I was just about to pounce when he came running out of the back door calling my name very loud and asking if I wanted extra prawns, something about having me stuffed I think he said -very thoughtful of him, but terrible timing - the little perishers were off like a shot.

He particularly dislikes the two pigeons that live nearby. They sit on the edge of the roof, and when they fly off, they occasionally deposit something most unpleasant on the kitchen window. Him and the "pretty one" were in the garden recently when this happened, and he was most annoyed. She said "don't worry, I will go and get some tissue paper from the loo to wipe it" - bit late for that I thought, it will be miles away by now!

This mornings little escapade was bought to a shuddering halt by my "stupid sister". I had one of the things in my sights, and was coiled like a spring ready to pounce when she appeared and plonked herself on the garden table. I think you will agree, that camouflage is not really something she has got to grips with. I mean no self respecting bird, not even a blind one is going to miss her. Time for lunch I thought and wandered in.

Well that's my lot for today. One final thing before I go - I have signed up on Facebook (click here) - still trying to fathom it all out, but "my poncy brother" reckons it is not suitable for me because I haven't got any friends - how rude! Help me prove him wrong. What a life! AlbertThe(nature loving)Cat.

“Ask Bert”……Real Agony!

I hope you all had a pleasant weekend. I have been working very hard on your behalf, trying to resolve some of your problems, and my word do you have problems! I didn’t realise what a mixed up bunch of cats we had out there. As promised, today I present the first of what I expect to become a regular feature – my very own agony column entitled “Ask Bert”. Anyway, without further ado, let us dive straight in.........

Dear Bert,
I am a cute little ginger tailed cat living in West London with my brother, a great big black and white thing. My problem is that he is a very greedy cat, and tries to eat my food. Fortunately he is not very bright and me and my other brother, Tabby, can easily outwit him. However, he is getting on my nerves and ideally I would like to get rid of him. What should I do?
Yours etc…Ginger Tail.

Dear Ginger Tail, I sympathise with your problem. However, you should think yourself very lucky. Like you, not only do I have a troublesome brother, a poncy tabby thing, but a stupid little ginger tailed sister as well. Funnily enough, she thinks she is cute! I have been trying for ages to get rid of her, but she is too clever by half. If you come up with any bright ideas, then please do let me know. AlbertTheCat

Dear Bert,
I am a good looking Tabby cat living in West London with my brother, a great big black and white thing. My problem is that he is a very greedy cat, and tries to eat my food. Fortunately he is not very bright and me and my sister, Ginger Tail, can easily outwit him. However, he is getting on my nerves and ideally I would like to get rid of him. What should I do?
Yours etc…Tabby.

Dear Tabby, What a remarkable coincidence. I also have a troublesome brother, a poncy tabby thing who thinks he is good looking. Like you, I have been trying to get rid of him for ages. However, you should count your blessings, I have a ginger tailed sister to put up with as well. She thinks she is cute. My advice to you is to keep a close eye on your brother. In my experience, he probably steals your food while you are having your afternoon nap – well, that’s what I would do if I was your big black and white brother. If you come up with any better ideas, then please let me know. AlbertTheCat

Dear Bert,
I have a very delicate problem of a personal nature. I have not been able to discuss this with anyone else, and am at my wits end. I am ashamed to show my face in the neighbourhood. I have tried to hide my “problem” from the other cats, but I think they suspect something is wrong. Every time I walk past, they squeak at me! It is hard to admit to this, but I am scared of mice. There, I have finally said it. It brings into question my whole being as a cat, and my self-esteem is at rock bottom. Please don’t tell anyone. You are my last hope. Please help.
Yours in desperation, Name and address withheld.

Dear anonymous (or should I say anony-mouse – just my little joke!), You suffer from a condition known to us experts as musophobia – a pathological fear of mice. Many congratulations – you are the first recorded case in the feline world. That must make you feel a whole lot better. It is well known that elephants are prone to this. I know it is highly unlikely, but first thing to do is look in a mirror and check that you are actually a cat. A big long nose is the giveaway. Now we have eliminated that possibility, let me put your mind at rest regarding your inferiority complex – it is not a complex – you are inferior, no self respecting cat is afraid of mice.

Now, George from Manchester, you can rest assured that your shameful secret is safe with me. My advice is always given in the strictest of confidence. A complete wimp like you needs to pull yourself together and shape up. I recommend aversion therapy - confront your problem head-on. Be brave, cover yourself in cream cheese, make squeaking noises, and go for a walk down the back alley after dark. If this doesn’t do the trick, then I suggest you hide under the bed and hang your head in shame. Well, I hope this helps. You probably feel on the mend already. AlbertTheCat.

Dear Bert,
From reading your blog, I understand that your housekeeping staff provide you with a regular and plentiful supply of juicy prawns. I have to survive on meagre rations of lean chicken, fresh salmon, minced fillet steak and tuna. Sometimes, the tuna comes out of a can would you believe. I feel I am being sorely neglected. What should I do?
Yours etc… Fat Larry.

Dear Fat Larry, You have my deepest sympathy. Clearly your staff are treating you in a cruel and heartless manner. You need to make your displeasure clear to them. I suggest you go on hunger strike. I realise that this may be difficult what with all that mouth watering food in your bowl. However, I am sure I can help you. In exceptional circumstances such as these, I am prepared to do house calls. I will pop round and make sure you do not yield to temptation. Will be there within the hour, just packing the knife and fork. AlbertTheCat.

Well that’s enough problems for today. I hope my caring and sympathetic advice has been of help to our poor misunderstood friends. If any of you sad losers have issues that you feel would benefit from my expertise then please do drop me a line either through the “comment” link at the bottom or through Twitter @AlbertTheCat. I regret that I cannot enter into personal correspondence but please be assured, I will publish the most juicy and embarrassing ones – all in the strictest of confidence you understand. What a Life! AlbertThe(listening)Cat.