“Ask Bert”……Real Agony!

I hope you all had a pleasant weekend. I have been working very hard on your behalf, trying to resolve some of your problems, and my word do you have problems! I didn’t realise what a mixed up bunch of cats we had out there. As promised, today I present the first of what I expect to become a regular feature – my very own agony column entitled “Ask Bert”. Anyway, without further ado, let us dive straight in.........

Dear Bert,
I am a cute little ginger tailed cat living in West London with my brother, a great big black and white thing. My problem is that he is a very greedy cat, and tries to eat my food. Fortunately he is not very bright and me and my other brother, Tabby, can easily outwit him. However, he is getting on my nerves and ideally I would like to get rid of him. What should I do?
Yours etc…Ginger Tail.

Dear Ginger Tail, I sympathise with your problem. However, you should think yourself very lucky. Like you, not only do I have a troublesome brother, a poncy tabby thing, but a stupid little ginger tailed sister as well. Funnily enough, she thinks she is cute! I have been trying for ages to get rid of her, but she is too clever by half. If you come up with any bright ideas, then please do let me know. AlbertTheCat

Dear Bert,
I am a good looking Tabby cat living in West London with my brother, a great big black and white thing. My problem is that he is a very greedy cat, and tries to eat my food. Fortunately he is not very bright and me and my sister, Ginger Tail, can easily outwit him. However, he is getting on my nerves and ideally I would like to get rid of him. What should I do?
Yours etc…Tabby.

Dear Tabby, What a remarkable coincidence. I also have a troublesome brother, a poncy tabby thing who thinks he is good looking. Like you, I have been trying to get rid of him for ages. However, you should count your blessings, I have a ginger tailed sister to put up with as well. She thinks she is cute. My advice to you is to keep a close eye on your brother. In my experience, he probably steals your food while you are having your afternoon nap – well, that’s what I would do if I was your big black and white brother. If you come up with any better ideas, then please let me know. AlbertTheCat

Dear Bert,
I have a very delicate problem of a personal nature. I have not been able to discuss this with anyone else, and am at my wits end. I am ashamed to show my face in the neighbourhood. I have tried to hide my “problem” from the other cats, but I think they suspect something is wrong. Every time I walk past, they squeak at me! It is hard to admit to this, but I am scared of mice. There, I have finally said it. It brings into question my whole being as a cat, and my self-esteem is at rock bottom. Please don’t tell anyone. You are my last hope. Please help.
Yours in desperation, Name and address withheld.

Dear anonymous (or should I say anony-mouse – just my little joke!), You suffer from a condition known to us experts as musophobia – a pathological fear of mice. Many congratulations – you are the first recorded case in the feline world. That must make you feel a whole lot better. It is well known that elephants are prone to this. I know it is highly unlikely, but first thing to do is look in a mirror and check that you are actually a cat. A big long nose is the giveaway. Now we have eliminated that possibility, let me put your mind at rest regarding your inferiority complex – it is not a complex – you are inferior, no self respecting cat is afraid of mice.

Now, George from Manchester, you can rest assured that your shameful secret is safe with me. My advice is always given in the strictest of confidence. A complete wimp like you needs to pull yourself together and shape up. I recommend aversion therapy - confront your problem head-on. Be brave, cover yourself in cream cheese, make squeaking noises, and go for a walk down the back alley after dark. If this doesn’t do the trick, then I suggest you hide under the bed and hang your head in shame. Well, I hope this helps. You probably feel on the mend already. AlbertTheCat.

Dear Bert,
From reading your blog, I understand that your housekeeping staff provide you with a regular and plentiful supply of juicy prawns. I have to survive on meagre rations of lean chicken, fresh salmon, minced fillet steak and tuna. Sometimes, the tuna comes out of a can would you believe. I feel I am being sorely neglected. What should I do?
Yours etc… Fat Larry.

Dear Fat Larry, You have my deepest sympathy. Clearly your staff are treating you in a cruel and heartless manner. You need to make your displeasure clear to them. I suggest you go on hunger strike. I realise that this may be difficult what with all that mouth watering food in your bowl. However, I am sure I can help you. In exceptional circumstances such as these, I am prepared to do house calls. I will pop round and make sure you do not yield to temptation. Will be there within the hour, just packing the knife and fork. AlbertTheCat.

Well that’s enough problems for today. I hope my caring and sympathetic advice has been of help to our poor misunderstood friends. If any of you sad losers have issues that you feel would benefit from my expertise then please do drop me a line either through the “comment” link at the bottom or through Twitter @AlbertTheCat. I regret that I cannot enter into personal correspondence but please be assured, I will publish the most juicy and embarrassing ones – all in the strictest of confidence you understand. What a Life! AlbertThe(listening)Cat.