The Return of Bert.....

Greetings one and all. I'm back. "About time too!" Who said that? How rude. Have you missed me? I said, have you missed me? Don't all shout at once will you. Well, the one I don't trust finally returned from his travels yesterday, and gave me my computer back. I've no idea where he has been. Everything seems to be getting back to normal. In a funny sort of way, I have quite missed him. Life has been pleasant without him, I mean the pretty one has spoilt us rotten, but without the little triumphs I enjoy in my ongoing battle with him, life somehow lacks a challenge.

He seemed quite pleased to see me - I think. Well, he gave me Tabby and Ginger Tail a decent handful of prawns each this morning. The first thing he did when he got back, was to take a look round the garden. Before he went away, he had spent a lot of time planting all manner of things. He even went to great lengths to protect seeds and plants from unwelcome visitors and pests. Now, I'm sure he didn't mean to include me in this, because I had no trouble in getting under the netting and through his amateurish fences to dig in my usual places. They present no challenge at all to a cat of my outstanding intellect. "Tell them how you got your head stuck in the hole in the fence" - it's that poncy brother of mine. I wish he would clear off.Anyway, moving swiftly on, the one I don't trust didn't seem all that impressed with my efforts. His main wrath however was reserved for the birds. He has planted some seed on the bare patches of scruffy grass that he laughingly calls a lawn. While he was standing at one end of the garden, a blackbird landed at the other and duly commenced to tuck in. In a state of near apoplexy he ran after it. The blackbird scooped up a final beakful of seed before flitting up on to the fence and chirping cheerfully in his general direction. This made things worse - he came towards me shaking his fist - "three cats on the payroll" he said, "and I've got birds eating the damn grass seed." He then threatened all three of us with reduced prawn rations if we didn't buck our ideas up. What an outrage I thought. I'm not standing for that.

What can I do to show him who is in charge round here. He has some cumbercu plants - I think that's what they are called. Small marrows I believe. Being a keen horticulturist, I am aware that they are classified as squashes - why are they called that I hear you ask. Obvious really, when I roll around it squashes them, Ho Ho Ho.....Well that's my lot for today. Just time to tell you about the little red things he has planted - most peculiar they are. Do you know I can hear them talk, very quietly though, in a whisper in fact. Unusual for a vegetable don't you think? They must be hoarse radishes! Ho Ho Ho.... I don't know where I get them from. Please yourselves, I thought it was funny. In case he is serious about his malicious threat to deprive me of prawns, I have decided to take up guard duty to keep the pesky blackbirds away. See you all next week. What a life! AlbertThe(ever alert)Cat.

Off with a Bang, or Going with the Flow!

What a pleasant surprise for you lot. You didn't expect to hear from me again until next week, did you? This is a little bonus. You will recall, the last time I wrote, the one I don't trust was going away until next week - excellent news, but the drawback being that he took my computer with him. Well, would you believe it, he only went and turned up on the doorstep this morning. You could have knocked me down with a feather. We have been enjoying a rare old time - the pretty one has spoilt us rotten. Extra prawns, sleeping all night (and most of the day) on the bed, no abuse when digging holes in the garden - it's been truly wonderful, how life should be.

Why has he come back early I hear you cry. Apparently he was supposed to get on an aeroplane this morning but a volcano erupted! I immediately dived under the bed, you can't be too careful can you! I'm sure I would have noticed a volcano going off, I mean, not much gets past me! It would have woken me up. He insists it's true though.Apparently the volcano is a little way north of here - in the next road I expect. It has chucked out so much ash and dust, that nothing is allowed to fly. What an opportunity I thought - I rushed straight out into the garden to see what the birds were up to. I mean if they can't fly, it should be easy for me to catch the little critters. Much to my disappointment, no one seems to have told them, because they were still flitting about as usual. They ought to be careful though, I mean if they fly over the top of the volcano they will roast - Mmmmmm.... roast pigeon, very tasty!

As regular readers know, we live in London, near the airport, so aeroplanes fly over our back garden all day, and most of the night! Damn nuisance they are - every time I doze off, another one goes over the top. Now come to think of it, we haven't seen one for days now, so there must be some truth in this. I wonder how long this will go on for - until the dust settles I expect, Ho Ho Ho..... There is some good news - the return home by the one I don't trust is only temporary. He is off again tomorrow, having made alternative arrangements to travel by train. Not sure where he is off to, don't really care actually, as long as he goes! He is going to take my computer again, so I won't be back until next week when he returns.Well, that's my lot for today. It's all I've got time for. I was going to tell you all about my recent exploits in the garden but that will have to wait. To cut a long story short, he planted lots of seeds before he went away, and then devised a cunning plan to stop me rolling on top of them. When he finds out his plan failed there could well be a volcano closer to home - he will blow his top! I've always said he was full of hot air! I'm off to look for the volcano, I can smell roast pigeon. See you next week. What a Life! AlbertThe(quaking)Cat.

Good News and Bad News!

Greetings folks. What a day I've had! There is some really hot news - very good news for me, but not so good for you lot. I don't know where to begin.

Probably best to start with the good news. The housekeeping staff were talking this morning, and as I like to keep abreast of what is going on around here, I was earholing their conversation from behind a chair. The one I don't trust is going away for a couple of weeks. At first I was horrified, as I assumed the pretty one would go with him, and we would be shipped off to Camp Colditz to endure the harsh regime presided over by the evil camp commandant. But no, she is staying here to look after me and the other two.

Wonderful news isn't it? I mean he is a damn nuisance and we will be well shot of him for a while. Good riddance is what I say. I can't wait for him to clear off. The pretty one is extremely gullible - I can wrap her round my little finger. I can see it now, prawns for breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper, not forgetting snacks between meals and my little treats for being good. I'm sure the menu will be far superior to the somewhat sparse rations he provides. I'll be able to sleep on the bed as well if I play my cards right - he gets a little touchy about this, especially if I come in after a bit of late night digging in the rain.What is the bad news then I hear you ask. Well, it's not that bad for me, but it could be traumatic for you lot. Now brace yourselves - you see, when he goes away he is going to take my computer with him, so I won't be able to share these rather eloquent missives with you. What, no Bert's Blog for a couple of weeks, I hear you cry. I know how distressed you must be. How will you get by? "I bet they're delighted not to have to read that rubbish for a fortnight." Who said that? It's my poncy brother, Tabby - I hate him I do really. Just wait until I get my paws on him. Yes, it's true, I will be off-line for the duration. Still, every cloud has a silver lining as they say. In recognition of my generosity in letting him take my computer, he gave me an extra handful of prawns. It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good. "That's enough corny old cliches." I wish Tabby would shut up - he is a pain in the neck. Cliches indeed, I'm fed up to the back teeth with them.Well that's your lot for today, and the next couple of weeks in fact. Must be off, that poncy brother of mine is already ingratiating himself with the pretty one. I must make sure he doesn't get more prawns than me. I will be back around the end of the month. I just hope you can get by without me. "I expect we'll manage." Who said that? How rude! What a Life! AlbertThe(Off-line)Cat.

Bert's Nature Notes.

Well here we are again. After yesterday's extravaganza, something a little more mundane but very educational. I went for a gentle stroll round the estate this morning, and thought I would share with you some of my observations. As you know, I am a keen ornithologist and horticulturist - whatever they are! It is a very interesting time of year in the garden you know. All the little things that disappeared during the winter have started to come back. The first thing of interest I noticed was a small brown and red thing flitting amongst the flowers, first one of the year. A sight to behold - a thing of rare beauty. It nearly bought a tear to my eye. I think they are called flutterbies, or something like that. Great fun to chase, but not good eating, very little flavour I find. The one I don't trust gets very agitated when I charge through the flowerbed to get at them.The trees and bushes are turning green, in fact many are bejewelled with yellow, pink, blue and white blossom that cascades gently to the ground in the breeze, like delicate flakes of snow, forming a pristine carpet of wondrous colours. I soon changed that - it was all over my favourite digging spot would you believe! Looks like a mud heap now.

I was disturbed by the sound of buzzing, and upon investigation, I saw a bumble bee that had just roused itself from it's winter slumber. It was busy darting from flower to flower. What an industrious little creature I thought, a lesson to us all. Apparently they make honey - no idea how they do it, but you have to admire them. I've seen a pot of the stuff in the kitchen. How the little fellows can lift it I do not know, and as for screwing on the lid, well that's anybodies guess. Now a word of warning to you other cats. Do not chase bees! They can seriously damage your health. They get very angry and pack a real punch. In my experience, anything in nature with black and yellow stripes is bad news - leave well alone. Take the tiger for example, we haven't got too many round here, but you wouldn't want to bump into one down the back alley when out for a bit of late night ratting would you?The dawn chorus filled the still early morning air with a breathtaking cacophony of melodious sound. Dreadful din, gave me a headache! What do you mean I wasn't up at dawn - who said that? Anyway, I'm sure it would have sounded just like that if I was up. The birds were flying around carrying twigs and bits of grass to construct their nests. A couple of pigeons have started to build in a tree in my garden. Damn cheek - I'll have to get that shifted, I mean no self respecting cat has a birds nest in his back garden do they?

Watching all the activity made me feel quite tired, so I decided to go inside for a snack and a lie down. On the way I paused to look at some beautiful little flowers that had just appeared. I took a sniff of their fragrant perfume and immediately sneezed! Anemonem.., anemononem.., anemononons.., anemonononies.., grrrrrr..... little pink things, they are called. I was so annoyed at their silly name, that I swatted one and sat on three more. That'll teach them I thought.

Well that's your lot for today. I hope you have enjoyed the little nature lesson. I expect you have learnt a lot. As you can see, it is a very special time of year or us nature lovers. We all have a role to play in caring for our environment. It was only the other day as I was walking through the kitchen that I was reminded of my own carbon paw print. "What on earth has that cat been walking in" shouted the one I don't trust. What a life! AlbertThe(eco-friendly)Cat.

"Ask Bert" Yet Again - Even More Agony!

Hello once again, and welcome back after the Easter break. I trust you all had a nice time. I did - I had a really good kip, and feel fully refreshed and raring to go. I didn't know what to write about today so I have delved into my busy postbag. You'll all be delighted to know, that I am going to do another of my ever popular agony columns - "Ask Bert". This is where I offer advice to all you poor saps out there with personal problems who have written in seeking my wise and caring counsel. "Blimey, he's really scraping the barrel today!" Who said that, how rude! You will no doubt be aware that we have done this a couple of times before with excellent results. I don't beat about the bush. I am not afraid to give advice that no one wants to hear! So, without further ado, lets get stuck in.

Dear Bert - I am a well rounded cat, who enjoys the finer things in life. My staff look after me reasonably well, even if they are a little sparing with the fresh salmon. I really do not have a care in the world, but recently I have started to worry about my sleeping habits. I only sleep for 23 hours a day and think I may be suffering from insomnia. Please help. Your etc... Basil.

Dear Basil - Let me put your mind at rest. I have checked back through the records, and there are no known cases of a cat suffering from insomnia. Have you tried counting sheep? I tried counting prawns once, but it just made me hungry. Imagine sheep jumping over a fence.... one sheep, two sheep, three sheep, four sheep, five sheep, six shee.... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...... Where am I? What happened? I must have dropped off. I think you get my drift. Yours etc... Bert.

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Dear Bert - I am suffering from amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I may have forgotten this before. Please help. Yours etc..., name and address forgotten.

Dear whoever you are - How long have you had amnesia - probably for as long as you can remember. If I was you, I would try and forget all about it, in fact you may have done so already. There is little point in me giving you much more advice, as you will only forget it. Yours etc... Bert.

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Dear Bert - I am a snappy little Jack Russell, and I don’t usually talk to cats. However, I am being plagued by a big fat black and white one who lives next door to me. He sits on the wall, just out of my reach and hisses at me. The other day I got so angry that I went out into the road and chased someone on a bike. What should I do? Yours etc... Jack.

Dear Jack - Firstly, I am amazed that your owner lets you have a bike! Secondly, you should not insinuate that the black and white cat is fat. I suspect he is just well built. Treat the cat with respect. Perhaps if you left some of your delicious chicken pieces in the garden - next to the shed by the back wall would be good, then he may stop hissing at you. Yours etc... Bert.

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Dear Bert – I am a desperate cat who has written to you in strictest confidence twice previously. I followed your advice to the letter. Despite now being able to stand on my hind legs and pick up buns with my nose, I have failed to make the grade as an elephant. The circus owner has allowed me to stay on, but only if I keep the circus free from rodents. This brings me back to my original problem, which you diagnosed as musophobia - fear of mice. Yours etc... Name and address supplied.

Dear Anonymous - I think I recall our previous correspondence. It's you isn't it - George from Manchester. I can assure you that your identity is safe with me, as is your shameful secret. I believe you are incurable, but looking on the bright side, your predicament does at least give me the opportunity to tell my elephant joke. "What do you get if you cross an elephant with a cat? - Very nervous mice!" Ho Ho Ho. I expect you are laughing along with us and feeling better already. Yours etc... Bert.

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Dear Bert - Allow me to introduce myselves. I have a split personality. This makes life very complicated, especially at meal times. I eat all of my food, and there is none left for me. What should I do? Yours etc... Chip (and Dale).

Dear Chip (and Dale) - I think you need to shape up. The problem is all in the mind. If you came to see me, the first thing I would do is to bang your head together! You remind me of a pair of curtains - pull yourself together. Yours etc... Bert.

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Dear Bert - I have an unpleasant medical condition. My claws grow very quickly, and dig into my paws. This is bad enough, but to make matters worse, my staff take me to the vet on a regular basis to have them clipped. Is there a cure! Yours etc... Claude.

Dear Claude - I believe humans suffer from something similar called ingrown toenails - what ever that is. Let us hope it is nothing minor! I fear your condition may be hereditary. I had a friend once who had the same problem - he was told feet run in the family. Look on the bright side, I had another friend, and noses ran in his family. Yours etc... Bert.

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Well, that's my lot for today. You can only take so much of this stuff can't you. What a depressing postbag that was. Do you know, there was even a letter from a cat claiming to suffer from low self esteem - I had to tell him it was very common among losers! I'm going for a lie down. What a life! AlbertThe(compassionate)Cat.

One Born Every Minute!

I think I've just about recovered from yesterdays unfortunate incident with the curry. I didn't get up too early this morning, and by the time I went down for breakfast, Tabby and Ginger Tail were already out and about. I put on my best pitiful look and stared longingly at the pretty one. She immediately rushed to the fridge, and served up some prawns. I've still got the old magic I thought to myself. I carefully checked to make sure they were not poisoned with curry and then devoured them. They hardly touched the sides. Very nice I thought, wonder what's for main course.

Just as I was licking my lips, Tabby and Ginger Tail came charging in through the flap. "You'll never guess" said Tabby, "we've found a magic tree." "Yes" said Ginger Tail, "it's grown overnight in the garden over the back wall." What a load of rubbish I thought. "What's magic about it then?" I asked. "Prawns are growing on it" said Tabby, "there are big fat juicy prawns growing on it." Now, as you can imagine, I was a little sceptical, because we all know where prawns come from don't we - yes, that's right, the big white thing in the kitchen. "Little pink things have grown on the tree overnight" said Ginger Tail, "if you know the magic secret, they turn into prawns." "Little pink things? You stupid cat" I said, "they're buds, anyway how do you know the magic secret." "Wise Old Black Tom told us" she said confidently.

That changed everything, because Old Black Tom is a very clever cat - he knows absolutely everything. If he told them, it must be true. "What's the magic secret then." I asked. "Not telling," Ginger Tail replied. After much pleading, Tabby let me in on it. "What you have to do is walk round the tree three times, scratch the tree trunk as hard as you can for five minutes, jump into the flowerbed, roll in the tulips, and then sit outside the back door and mew as loud as you can with your eyes shut. When you open your eyes, the tree is covered in big juicy prawns."

So off I went. If I hadn't know better, I could have sworn I heard giggling as I left. I climbed over the wall, and sure enough, the tree was just as they said, covered in little pink things. Now, I've had a few run-ins with the woman over the back wall, I think she may be a witch - there is a broomstick propped up against the wall which is a bit of a giveaway. She has no sense of humour, in fact she took great umbrage when I started ferreting about in her roses. She was nowhere to be seen, so I started off by walking round the tree three times. I scratched the trunk for all I was worth, and dived headlong into the tulips - I flattened them! Now for the "piece de resistance" - I sat outside the back door and mewed at the top of my voice with my eyes firmly closed. When I opened them, what a sight greeted me - the witch was standing over me with a bucket of cold water which she then promptly chucked all over yours truly.I was off like a shot. As I went in through the flap, Tabby and Ginger Tail were rolling on the floor convulsed with laughter. "Is it raining?" enquired Tabby, "I thought the sun was out - how did you get on with her prize magnolia?" "Do you know what day it is?" asked Ginger Tail. "32nd March" I replied. "No" she said, "it's 1st April - your special day" "April fool" they cried in unison. Grrrrr... I hate them, I really do.

Well that's my lot for today. Do you know, in the rush to evacuate the woman's garden, I forgot to check out the magic tree to see how many prawns had appeared. Once the witch has calmed down, I will go and have a look - I don't want my stupid brother or my poncy sister stealing them. All that remains is for me to wish you all a pleasant Easter. I'm going to have a well earned rest. I will see you all next week. What a life! AlbertThe(gullible)Cat.

Variety is the Spice of Life....

Hello. I'm not feeling too good at all today. What a night I've had! I blame the housekeeping staff, and in particular the one I don't trust. If it wasn't for their slovenly habits I wouldn't be in this state. After supper last night I decided to go and do a bit of ratting - along with ornithology and horticulture, it is one of my favourite hobbies. I met up with Mad Harry and Slasher Sid, and we went to one of our chosen spots - the communal garbage bins round the back of a nearby apartment block. We didn't have much luck, but you should have seen the size of the one that got away!

After a couple of hours it started to rain so I decided to call it a night and wandered back home. I was feeling a bit peckish, and as everyone else had gone to bed I thought I would have a little look around to see if there was anything on offer. I was walking along the kitchen top by the sink and sure enough, there was a stack of dirty plates, pots, pans, etc. How bone idle I thought, they haven't bothered to do the washing up after supper. However, my contempt for their laziness was soon overcome by delight - I couldn't believe my eyes. Inside one of the pots were lots of really juicy prawns, although they were covered in a rather strange smelling sauce.Too good to be true I thought, and was about to sample one, when I heard Tabby come into the kitchen. "I wouldn't eat those if I were you" he said, "they won't do you any good." Surely he didn't think I would fall for that old trick. He's not having any I thought, he's just trying to curry favour. Quick as a flash, I scoffed the lot. "You haven't eaten them have you?" asked Tabby in amazement. He called to Ginger Tail, "he's only gone and eaten those prawns!" Ginger Tail came running over, and they both stood there and gawped at me. At this point I smelt a rat, which is more than I'd managed earlier. What do they know that I don't? "Guess what they had for supper last night" said Ginger Tail? "Big fat prawns," I replied. "Prawn curry!" said Ginger Tail. All of a sudden, this strange feeling came over me. My mouth was on fire, and I swear steam was coming out of my ears. Good job there was water in the sink - in my rush to swill the stuff down I very nearly fell in. Oh how they laughed. I've never drunk so much in my life. I spent the rest of the night drinking the garden puddles and digging in the flower beds if you get my drift.

Well that's my lot for today. I cannot understand how they can eat the stuff. Do you know, they pick up the phone and in about half an hour some bloke brings it round to the door. I heard him on the phone the other night. "Do you deliver?" he said. "No sir, we do chicken, lamb and prawn, but no liver" the bloke at the other end replied. Ho Ho Ho... What do you mean it's a rotten joke! In my delicate condition it is the best I can do. What a waste of perfectly good prawns. I reckon the one I don't trust left them by the sink on purpose to try and poison me. Still, wait until he sees what I've done to his flowerbed! What a life! AlbertThe(fire-breathing)Cat.

Seeing the Light....

Good news - you'll never guess what happened yesterday, and the day before! My breakfast prawns were served on time. Same again today. For the last six months or so, they have been exactly one hour late everyday. Hopefully, we can now put this outrage behind us and move on. I wonder why the housekeeping staff have been getting up an hour earlier?

I asked Tabby, my poncy brother if he knew anything about this strange phenomenon. He had no idea but suggested we see if Ginger Tail my stupid sister knew. What a daft idea I thought, there is no chance of her knowing, she is as thick as a plank. She took an IQ test once, and the results came back negative! "It's because the housekeeping staff went forward an hour in time" she said confidently. "What! They've invented time travel" I chuckled. See, I told you she was thick. Oh how me and Tabby laughed. This could be a rich source of amusement I thought. "Why did they do that then" I asked. "They think it gives them extra daylight" she replied. I told you this would be good! "How does that work then" I said. She thought for a minute - you can tell when she's thinking, a blank expression appears and her mouth drops open. After what seemed an eternity she said "well, 7am becomes 8am and 8am becomes 9am and 9am becomes.." "OK" I said, "I think we get your drift."It was all getting very confusing, when Tabby chipped in, "well what happens in the evening? Surely 7pm becomes 8pm and 8pm becomes 9pm and 9pm becomes.." "Enough" I cried "this is all getting too ridiculous for words, that would mean they get extra darkness in the morning, and part of today becomes tomorrow."At once I had spotted the flaw in her stupid idea. "That's right" said Ginger Tail, "they haven't worked that out yet - after all, they are not very bright are they." Have you ever heard such a cock and bull story. Ginger Tail went for a lie down in a dark room, to rest what she laughingly calls her brain. I don't think I will worry myself unduly, best just to be grateful that the prawns are back to normal. All this thinking has made my brain hurts as well. Think I will go for a nap. Perhaps my idea of time travel was nearer the mark after all. I'm surprised cats haven't invented it yet. Just think, I could have my breakfast, jump into my time machine, go back a bit and then have it all over again.

Well, that's my lot for today. Wise Old Black Tom, who knows everything, told me once that he could travel back in time. At first I didn't believe him, but he proved it to me. He said "today I will travel back in time - if I am successful, you will find that Wednesday will follow Tuesday and cats will rule the earth." You can't argue with facts like that can you. Finally, the reason the blog was missing yesterday is all this mucking about with time. "You do talk some rubbish" said Tabby, "I suppose you being asleep on the bed all afternoon had nothing to do with it!" I hate him, I really do. What a life! AlbertThe(confused)Cat.

Beware of the Dog, or Should that be Cat?

Well here we are at the end of another week. I went out this morning to look for our new friend Riley who moved in yesterday. He shouldn't be hard to spot, he is the size of a bus! I wandered along the back wall until I came to his house, but there was no sign of him. Perhaps his owners have carried out their threat to keep him in the house for a while to acclimatise to his new surroundings - another stupid human misunderstanding. All they need to do is make sure the food bowl is regularly topped up, and we won't roam too far away.

I was wondering where he was when I looked up - he was staring forlornly out of the bedroom window. Perhaps I can spring him I thought. There is a large apple tree with branches close to the window, so I climbed up and hopped across on to the sill, whereupon Riley leaned on the window and pushed it open, knocking yours truly off the sill. Fortunately the ground broke my fall. No, I jest, I actually landed in the compost heap, so apart from my pride, no damage was done. I rose to my feet, with all the dignity I could muster. Riley was looking down, "do you want something old boy" he enquired. "I thought you were locked in" I said. "So did my owner" he chuckled. He scrambled down the tree, and we went and sat on the back wall. "Do you mind moving downwind a bit old boy" he said, "you do rather smell."It seems the compost heap was rather a mixed blessing. It reminded me of a story my Great Uncle Porky once told me. He was taken to see the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year because his feet were smelling and his nose was running - the vet said he was built upside down! Ho Ho Ho.. just one of Uncle Porky's little jokes. "Come on, I'll show you round the patch" I said and we strolled off. First stop was our place. I introduced him to Tabby and Ginger Tail. He towered over them and they greeted him somewhat nervously. "What's that rotten smell" said Tabby. "Bert fell in the compost heap" said Riley - Oh how they all laughed. I hate that poncy brother of mine, I really do!

I told Riley to beware of the nasty snappy little Jack Russell that lives next door. We all jumped up on to the wall and sure enough, he was out in the garden. The site of all four of us sent him into a frenzy - he was jumping up and down at the wall, yapping away. We just sat there and hissed at him. "He does go on doesn't he?" said Riley, who then proceeded to hop down off the wall into the garden. We looked on in horror as the nasty thing charged towards Riley. "Get out of there" I shouted. Riley cast me a contemptuous glance, and then walked slowly towards the thing.

The mutt was apoplectic by the time it got to Riley, who just stared at it. Riley lifted one of his massive paws and and cuffed the thing on the side of the head. It rolled over three times and came to rest in a rose bush - Riley hissed, the dog whimpered and scampered away with it's tail between it's legs. "Don't think he'll cause too many problems" said Riley, picking up one of the mutts old bones and gently crunching it in his huge jaws. "Would you like a piece" he asked as he rejoined us on the wall. We all very politely declined his kind offer. "Can't imagine why they've got a Beware of the Dog sign on the gate" he said, "probably worried about someone treading on it" he mused.Well that's my lot for today. Riley decided he'd had enough excitement and it was time for his pre-lunch nap. "Where abouts in the house do you sleep" I asked. "Anywhere I damn well like!" he replied. I hope you enjoy your lunch I thought - probably half a side of beef! The rest of the tour will wait for another day. I suppose I had better go indoors and clean up on the settee, I mean the housekeeping staff will not want to see me in this state will they? Have a good weekend. I will return next week. What a life! AlbertThe(fragrant)Cat.

New Kid on the Block!

Hello again. I have had a very interesting day. I rose early, at the crack of lunchtime, although I had been up for a short while earlier, not wanting to miss out on breakfast you understand. Standards are slipping in this establishment - I mean, breakfast in bed is not asking a lot really is it? Anyway, we'll let that pass for the time being. I decided to go for a gentle stroll.

I found wise Old Black Tom in his usual place sitting on the back wall a few houses along. He is a very clever cat - he knows absolutely everything. There was an awful lot of noise coming from a nearby house. "What's happening here" I asked. "No idea" said Tom. We decided to go and investigate. Must be careful I thought, we all know what curiosity did to the cat! We crept along the wall and over a shed roof until we could see in the window. What a site greeted us - people rushing round with boxes, carrying furniture, laying carpets and drinking vast quantities of tea. "Looks like new people are moving in" said Tom. We watched for a while - a fellow in a brown coat was unpacking a glass vase when it fell on the floor and smashed. "Quick, sweep up the bits and hide it before the owner comes back" said his mate, "if she sees it, she will go mad." How kind I thought, going to all that trouble so as not to upset her.After most of the boxes had been unpacked, the two brown coated chaps carried in a large packing case - it looked very heavy. When they opened it we had the shock of our lives. Inside was the biggest cat carrier you ever did see. "Can't wait to see what's inside that" said Tom. "I can" I replied nervously, "it must be huge - probably a lion!" The woman, told the men to be careful not to let it out. Too late, the beast inside clawed one of the men through the grill and they dropped it. The container burst open, and the biggest ginger tom I've ever seen hoved into view. It looked at the men, growled, hissed and spat. With fear in their eyes they immediately fled the room, and were halfway up the stairs when they bumped into the owner. "The things escaped" said one of them. "Which way is it going" enquired the owner. "Well you don't think we're chasing it do you?" he wittily replied as he rushed past. They say that crossing on the stairs brings bad luck - it certainly did for him, she hit him with a frying pan she had just unpacked.

Meanwhile, the cat approached the back door and gave it a shove, but unfortunately it was closed. Not to be deterred, he took two paces back, lunged forward, put his shoulder to the door and emerged blinking into the sunlight. He started walking towards us. "I'm off" I said. "No, no" said Tom, "we should introduce ourselves, he could be a useful addition to the local gang." He joined us on the shed roof. "Hello, I'm Tom, and here behind me is Bert" said Tom. "Nice to meet you, my name is Riley. Who is your invisible friend?" "What" said Tom turning around, "Bert, come down out of that tree at once - he's not going to eat you!" Maybe not, but you can't be too careful can you? I jumped down and shook paws with Riley - he nearly crushed mine. I reckon he has got a bit of lion in him you know - probably ate one for breakfast."Just moved in?" I asked. "Yes" replied Riley. We were rudely interrupted by the owner rushing out into the garden calling Riley in a worried voice. "How dare they crate me up like that." said Riley. "My lot are really stupid, they have this daft idea that they should keep me confined to barracks for a few weeks until I forget where I used to live. They think I will try and return. Why would I do such a thing - nothing to go back for, I mean to say, I saw with my own eyes all the food being taken out of the refrigerator and loaded into the removal van." Riley hissed at the owner just to keep her on her toes. "I think I'll go back in a couple of hours after they have unpacked the cat food - it'll do her good to worry about me. Make her appreciate me even more." Mmmm.... a cat after my own heart I thought.

Well, that's my lot for today. I'll have to think about organising a little welcome party for our new friend. I think it is very important that I keep on the right side of him. I think we should roll out the red carpet, covered in cat hair of course, for him. After all, he told me that he is used to the finer things in life. His owner spoils him something rotten apparently. Must be what they mean by The Life of Riley! What a life! AlbertThe(smarmy)Cat.

A Short Guide to Bertspeak!

It has come to my attention, that some of you lot out there keep asking the same two questions - "What on earth is he going on about?" or "who on earth is he going on about?" I can only assume, that some of the more erudite terminology I use goes above your heads - quite understandable, after all not all cats are articulated like what I am. What I thought I would do is provide you with a glossary of terminology and a cast list to enhance your enjoyment of these little offerings. So, without further ado, let's make a start.

My stupid sister - a strange looking cat with a daft expression. Predominantly white, with a silly ginger tail. Goes by the name of Ginger Tail - how original is that? Gets on your nerves.

My poncy brother - a scruffy, common or garden tabby. Goes by the name of Tabby - you can see they put a lot of thought into this can't you!! A thoroughly deceitful and self serving cat whose sole objective in life is to ingratiate himself with the pretty one in the hope of acquiring extra prawns. I hate him, I really do.Housekeeping staff - the two people who I grace with my presence and allow to take care of my day to day needs. A temporary arrangement until I find something more suitable. Primary responsibility is to provide a plentiful supply of prawns.

The one I don't trust - the more devious of the two staff. Totally untrustworthy. I'm sure he doesn't like me, but then the feeling is mutual. Left unsupervised, he would probably leave us to starve. Takes orders from the pretty one.

The pretty one - chief of staff. The more photogenic of the two. See, I told you I was articulate - that's not a bad word for a cat is it? She adores us, particularly me, I expect. Very gullible, especially in the presence of Tabby who will stop at nothing to suck up to her to get extra prawns. Has he no shame? Oooh I hate him I really do.

Jack Russell - a pathetic little dog that lives next door, and is always yapping away. Thick as a plank. Tormenting the thing can lead to hours of amusement.

Quasimodo - deranged cat with a collar and bell round it's neck. The constant tinkling of the bell has sent him quite mad and deaf as a post. Believes he is being chased by fire engines, police cars and ice cream salesmen.

Mad Harry and Slasher Sid - two disreputable characters who prowl the local neighbourhood. They live in a little place called No-fixed-abode - no idea where that is. Tend to dine out regularly in only the best dustbins. You are well advised to keep on their good side if you get my drift! They know how to return a favour!Old Black Tom - local sage. He is the fount of all knowledge, and knows everything - it's true, he told me so himself. Over 100 years old - he told me that as well.

Great Uncle Porky - a big influence on me when I was a kitten. I learnt a lot from him. He told me all sorts of things, many of which were true.

The bloke who sticks needles in us once a year - a wretched, sadistic, sweaty little man. Every year without fail we are crated up and taken to his seedy premises, where in exchange for inordinate sums of cash he sticks needles in us. Tells wicked lies to anyone that will listen - said that I was overweight! Sends the one I don't trust into near apoplexy when the bill arrives.

The big green thing outside the back door - the garden. Filled with all sorts of things purely for my amusement - bulbs for me to dig up, flowers for me to swat, seed beds to dig in, and birds to chase. An adventure playground. Maintained by the one I don't trust whose favourite game is hunt the bulb - a bit like hide and seek, he hides them, I dig them up.

The big white thing in the kitchen - this is where the prawns live. Stuffed full of the things. I can think of no other use for it. Haven't yet managed to open the door - one of the reasons why I retain the housekeeping staff.

Prawns - staple diet of cats. Called shrimps on the other side of the pond - no idea why. Only leads to confusion.

Camp Colditz - an austere establishment where we are sent infrequently when the housekeeping staff go away. The evil camp commandant oversees a strict regime of twice daily slopping out and starvation rations. There is no time off for good behaviour. The escape committee meets after lights out, so far to no good effect, but I have it on good authority that the tunnel is nearing completion.

Well, that's your lot for today. I'm sure you all feel truly enlightened. I think I missed my vocation - I should have been a teacher. Do you know, I've started writing an educational book - I've already got the page numbers done. What a life! AlbertThe(tutorial)Cat.

Back to Normal....

Here we are again – happy as can be, all good friends and jolly good company! Who said that? No one else here, it must have been me. Yes, everything is getting back to normal, and surprisingly we all appear to be getting along OK. The pretty one returned last Friday, to a warm welcome. I made sure that Tabby, Ginger Tail as well as my good self were all in attendance when she arrived. I thought it would stand us in good stead, and sure enough she insisted on giving us some prawns as a treat. The only downside, was the grovelling performance of my poncy brother – he was all over her like a rash. I’m sure he got an extra prawn – I hate him, I really do!

The inspection of the premises passed off without any major hitches. The bodged attempts at the housework by the one I don’t trust just before she returned appears to have passed muster. I decided against messing the place up while he fetched her - it would probably have had a negative effect on the welcome home prawns.After the trauma of the last fortnight with the one I don’t trust in sole charge things are now much more relaxed. So relaxed, I had the best nights sleep in a long while. I slept like a log – woke up in the fireplace! Ho Ho Ho.. just one of my little jokes. That reminds me of a story Great Uncle Porky once told me. Apparently he was dragged off to see the bloke who sticks needles in us once a year, and while he was there he told the chap that he hadn’t slept for days. “I’ll give you something to help you sleep at night” he said. Uncle Porky clawed him for not paying attention – he had no trouble with nights, they were fine – it was the days when he couldn’t sleep. Uncle Porky was an exceptionally lazy cat. He had many other admirable qualities as well.Well that’s my lot for today. I'm off back to bed. It's good to have the pretty one back. At least she will ensure that we are kept in the manner to which we have become accustomed. I'm sure she is happy to see us, but I'm not so sure about him though. She certainly hasn't missed his childish sense of humour. They were sitting watching telly last night, when he said, "I think Bert wants to go out." "How do you know" she asked. "He's put his hat and coat on, what do you think?" he replied, in fits of hysterical laughter. It's a good job he laughs at his own jokes - no one else round here does. What a Life! AlbertThe(soporific)Cat.

An Idiot's Work is Never Done...

Hello again. You've probably missed me for the last couple of days, I've been keeping my head down. "Have you? we didn't notice." Who said that? How rude! Things are on a knife edge round here – the fragile truce is holding, but only just. We got off to a shaky start this morning. When the one I don’t trust surfaced, he was greeted by a rather impressive hairball that I had earlier left at the bottom of the stairs. He was less than impressed and started using all sorts of unpleasant language, mostly aimed in my direction. He had no proof at all it was me. It could quite easily have been my stupid sister or my poncy brother. It is outrageous that he should blame me. I was going to unilaterally call off our truce – this is how wars start, I thought. You can’t go around making false allegations without expecting the other side to retaliate. “Hang on a minute Bert, I thought it was you that dumped the hairball!!” Which clever reader said that? If you want to split hairs, so to speak, then I suppose you have a point, however it is the principle we are dealing with here.Anyway, he's in a foul mood. The pretty one comes home tomorrow after two weeks away. He has been cleaning the place up and my word it certainly needs it. The damn vacuum cleaner has been out - I hate that thing! He was getting stuck into it when she called him on the phone. I overheard the conversation - well his end of it. It mainly consisted of him repeating the words "yes dear" over and over again in a monosyllabic voice. That's a long word for a cat isn't it - I'll have to try and use it more often! I digress, he then said in an exasperated voice, "but I'm doing it now, I had to stop to answer the phone." I can only assume, she was issuing him with his instructions. He then called upon higher powers for assistance - well I think he did "God help us" he cried, although I did notice he had his hand over the mouthpiece as he said it! "I must go, there's someone at the door" he said as he quietly opened the front door and pushed the bell. What a nasty piece of work he is.

Well, as you can imagine, it is going to be a long job - there is furious activity, absolutely everything is being attacked with the vacuum cleaner - he even used it to clean the bath and the cooker. The noise is unbearable, banging and crashing about he is, and the language was truly awful - I must stop using it. This is no place for a sensitive cat like me, so I cleared off. When I came back for lunch a few hours later, it had quietened down. I must give him his due, you can't recognise the place. I noticed the difference immediately as I strolled through the kitchen - my paws didn't stick to the floor. He was finishing off in the lounge - he sprayed polish into the air, "smells like I have polished the furniture" he chuckled to himself, "she'll never know." See, what did I tell you - a nasty piece of work!

He was admiring his handiwork when I appeared "don't you or the other two reprobates dare mess this up before she gets back!!" he said in a threatening manner. To be honest with you I was not at all enamoured with his attitude. I immediately had a good scratch and pulled out a tuft of hair. He was apoplectic - that's another good word for a cat isn't it. I think he got my drift, because after he had cleaned up the hair, he calmed down a bit. "I suppose you want your lunch now" he said. What a stupid question, why else does he think I am here.Well, that's my lot for today. We now await the triumphant return of the pretty one tomorrow. He has to go and collect her from the airport. The big question is, do I mess the place up while he fetches her? The upside is that he will get his comeuppance, but the downside is that it might put her in a bad mood, and she could well decide not to shower me with treats to express her delight at seeing me again. I wandered off to ponder the dilemma, and saw Tabby sitting on the fence. "He's done his chores" I said. "What chores?" said Tabby. "How kind" I replied, "I'll have half a dozen prawns." Oh how I laughed. Tomorrow looks like being a little hectic, so I may not be here. Do not fear though, I will return as normal next week. What a life! AlbertThe(erudite)Cat.

I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud etc.............

I hope you all had a nice weekend. An uneasy truce has broken out here. A mutual understanding has developed between me and the one I don't trust - he seems to be serving up a reasonable number of prawns, and in return, I've stopped messing the place up too much. Let's hope we can get through until the end of the week, when the pretty one returns without any further unpleasantness.

The weather has taken a turn for the better - Spring has definitely sprung. Now that my crocuses have all been used up, I had a look round the garden this morning to see what I will have to play with next. I reckon it is going to be the daffodils - a host of golden ones in fact! Just a little bit of culture there for my well versed readers, both of you. There are plenty of them as well, daffodils that is, not well versed readers - I should have lots of fun swatting them over the next week or two. Probably best that I don't start until next week or he could construe my actions as being in breach of our truce!I think the Spring weather has got to him as well. He spent most of yesterday planting seeds in little trays. When they grow a bit he is going to plant them outside for me to play with. Now being a very perceptive cat, I have sensed that we may have a teeny weeny problem when the pretty one gets back. You see, he has filled the kitchen with these little trays - everywhere they are, on the windowsill, the worktops, some are even in the dark in the food cupboards - I don't think she is going to be very impressed when she sees it all.

The other problem is I don't know how long I can keep up this good behaviour charade. I was wandering around on the kitchen worktops as part of my nightly inspection of the premises and these little seed trays full of soil were all over the place. How I didn't tread in one I don't know - natural grace and agility I thought as I turned round and knocked a dish into the sink. I had to summon up all of my amazing self control to stop myself having a good dig. I'm not sure how long I will be able to keep it up for though - I mean one little dig won't hurt will it?

Q W E R T Y - sorry about that, my stupid sister is trying to swat a spider on the keyboard.

Well, that's my lot for today. As we're on the subject of gardening, have I told you my carrot joke? "Oh no, not another of his rotten jokes" who said that? How rude. Two women were sitting in the garden when one pointed and said "my husband died on that very spot there just as he was about to pull up some carrots for our dinner." "How awful, what happened" replied her friend. "I opened a can of peas" she said. Oh well, please yourselves. What a life! AlbertThe(conciliatory)Cat.